“A Well-Trained Wife" is an intense - and I’m talking INTENSE - memoir about her life in the extreme Quiverfull movement. Think the Duggars and “Keep Sweet: Pray and Obey”. Tia’s story pulls you into a world where being a "good Christian wife" meant living by suffocating, secret rules, and hiding a life of abuse behind a wholesome facade. When Tia realized her kids were on the path to becoming the next generation of victims, she faced a heart-pounding choice: stay trapped or make a daring escape to save them.

Be mindful of the serious trigger warnings here (religious trauma, IPV, etc) but you’ll be rooting for Tia as you would a friend. I also recommend the audiobook (now out!) which is narrated by the author.

There are some books I read that I just want to skywrite the importance of. Tia Levings has bared her soul in this unputdownable memoir filled with heart, grit, and jaw-dropping courage. Being part of the homeschool community, but not having made the choice for religious reasons, I have been caught off guard a few times by brow-raising comments from homeschool moms. Some have admitted they can only vote for whomever the husband decides, that they have to get approval for homeschool curriculum from their husbands even though they are the primary teacher, and that they did not want to have a gaggle of children, but it wasn't their choice. I have been told that the husband is the only one who is able lead the family to heaven, that they must tolerate their husband's cruelty because divorce is not an option, and that the bible says they should be submissive to their spouse under any and all circumstances. Many of these comments have left me scratching my head, but it wasn't until I read this eye-opening book that I realized that many of these women have no choice in these matters. Not only have they been raised in this belief system, but these realities are also a closely guarded secret that many never reveal. This book shines light on the fact that many ultra-conservative Christian women are in an abusive situation that they cannot escape and includes some horrific details that absolutely broke my heart. It angers me to no end when people hide behind their religion, but to use religion in such a perverse way that excuses domestic violence is evil on another level. I have been a Christian all my life, but I refuse to accept that Christ would ever sanction abuse in any form, especially within the family unit.

This book sheds light on religious extremism and how it can infiltrate family life, communities, and even politics. Tia Levings I am in awe of you for speaking out🙏🏼.

Many thanks to partners, St. Martin's Press and NetGalley for this gifted review copy.

Tia Levings is a tween when the family moves from Michigan to Florida. Tia’s mother is thinking that joing a church would help them get use to their new surroundings. The family joined a Baptist church which adolescent Tia was leery of but eventually accepted. She joins the youth group, attends a summer camp and goes to a Christian school. These influences provided a steady stream of fundamentalist doctrine that led the author to ignore past numerous red flags and marry her abusive boyfriend at age 19. Believing that his behavior was partly caused by her not being submissive enough, She thought that if she tried to appease him by yielding to his demands he would be happier. Instead it created his tyrannical view of biblical patriarchy. When Tia failed to meet his expectations, he spanked her with a belt and mandated sex as a necessary part of the discipline process. He required her to follow all his new rules that if not followed would be punished. He even had more rules for the children. She was successful to it at first but knew that his punishment could be applied to anything he thought was wrong to do. She wanted to leave but had four children and no job skills or money. Besides divorce was a sin. She had always told her family that everything was okay so she didn’t think they would believe her if she asked them for help. What will Tia decide to do?

Her biography shows “no punches” in the nearly 15 years of oppression and abuse, painting a visceral portrait of her then black and white world.
This book gave me information about overcoming religious trauma in that it peels back the layers of Christian fundamentalism, exposing why it’s so attractive to people hungry for confidence and belief in their faith. I won’t forget Tia as her life amazes me.

I am rounding this book up to 4 1/2 stars. This is one of those memoirs that is so good, but you get so mad at the same time. The situations the author was put in by her husband absolutely infuriated me. And it is so sad to say that someone’s unfortunately situation makes for a good story. But it’s true. Her resiliency and her power to push through is empowering. I also appreciated her commentary on how these patriarchal beliefs are still seen in society in relation to Trump, his campaigns and the people he campaigns to.

Thank you so much to St. Martins Press for a gifted copy!

How well I remember the time Levings lived through. I went to a Bill Gothard seminar myself during my college years. As a Christian bookseller, I sold the books that influenced the movement she describes. I had no idea of the extent some males went in controlling and subjugating women. I wish a memoir like this one could in no way represent actual events. I am familiar enough with the people and books she mentions, however, that I believe her memoir represents a sad but real aspect of Christian extremism.

Levings' book is a timely memoir as there is currently a resurgence of this movement from decades ago. It was not a pleasant memoir to read as I would rather that this aspect of Christianity did not exist. I do recommend this book, however, as we need to be aware of the potential when some Christian teaching is taken to the extreme by those who delight in the power it gives over others.

I received a complimentary egalley of this book from the publisher. My comments are an independent and honest review.

This book is really interesting. It has adult themes (sex, swearing, adult content) but it's a raw look at the issue of when people focus on religion for religion sake and not a relationship with Jesus Christ ... as well as people who choose to reject God altogether. It really made me think and want to pray for the people who are caught in the deceit some are being taught by the fundamental churches that focus on religion and getting their needs met instead of the true gospel.

I was given a complimentary copy of this book by Netgalley. I was not forced to review it and all honest opinions are exclusively mine.

**⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ | A Brave and Eye-Opening Memoir**

Tia Levings’ *A Well-Trained Wife: My Escape from Christian Patriarchy* is a powerful and courageous memoir that sheds light on the often-hidden world of Christian patriarchy. Levings recounts her harrowing journey from a life of control and oppression to one of freedom and self-discovery. Her storytelling is raw and honest, providing a deeply personal account that also serves as a broader critique of the systems that perpetuate gender inequality. The book is both heart-wrenching and inspiring, offering hope to others facing similar struggles. Levings’ resilience and determination make this a must-read for anyone interested in issues of faith, feminism, and personal liberation.

I love books about unpacking religious trauma, and that is absolutely what you’re going to get if you pick up A Well-Trained Wife. WOW, did my heart just break for Tia right from the start!

Tia Levings starts with a dramatic opening, then eases us backward in time to help show readers how she reached that point. From childhood, church serves as more of a point of fear-mongering than a source of comfort for her. As a child, she has extreme anxiety about the rapture and her general wickedness, despite being so young. As she grows, her people pleasing and conflict aversion tendencies lead her further into very fundamentalist church sectors. By the time she’s married with four children, her life is a terrifying picture of a woman living through domestic violence.

I found this fascinating right from the start, and really appreciated the vulnerability Levings employed as she shares her story. I also appreciate that she shares the aftermath of leaving as well, although I do think it dragged out just a bit. But seeing what her life shaped into after fleeing a dangerous situation was really wonderful, and I imagine was quite healing to write.

There are some big trigger warnings for this, so be kind to yourself and check those out if needed.

Overall, I recommend this one. It’s a frightening look at a world that is far more common than we think.

A Well-Trained Wife by Tia Levings is a difficult, but extremely important read. This is not just the story of one woman's escape from her abusive husband; it is a warning for our country. If we do not wish to end up in a Handmaid's Tale society, we need to pay attention to the cautionary tales told by those who got out, like Levings. The scariest part? These events didn't take place in the last century, or even a generation ago. They are happening NOW. And the leaders who perpetuate these patriarchal systems in their churches wish to impose them onto our society via government control.

Please read this book, and share it with everyone you know. If you have been a victim of abuse, or have witnessed it in your family, be cautioned that this will likely trigger difficult memories and feelings. But know that this is ultimately a story of healing and empowerment, and it might just help you or someone you know to have the courage to get out of their abusive relationship.

Thank you to the author Tia Leving, publishers St. Martin's Press, and NetGalley for an advance digital copy of A WELL-TRAINED WIFE. All views are mine.

I could clean, plan , and come on command, but I couldn’t make myself feel happy. p151

[Submission] is not a cage. It’s a vacuum. As you give, the container squeezes harder, removing all air. p157

Some books are so important they don't even have to be good. This book is good, but not great, and yet I've given it five stars because I think the work is extremely important. Abuse narratives are always important because they expose the patriarchy; this story is even more critical than usual because of how important and powerful the particular branch of patriarchy was who abuse her. The Evangelical Christian Church.

"Your children will direct all their anger at him toward you, because you are here and safe and they can trust you not to leave when they get emotional....” ...[There] wasn’t a healthy way to hold absent men responsible for their own reputations. Somehow, I had to spread my arms wider and hold it all. p249

Three (or more) things I loved:

1. I think this book does a really good job of showing what it's like to be in a cult, the psychological hell that it is. Faith turns into fear, turns into rage. “Where’s your new baby?” “She’s dead.” “Oh, I’m so sorry, honey . . . I guess sometimes God needs a new rose for his garden.” Fuck God and his garden of dead babies. ...Worse than the cashier was the procession of sad Christians who didn’t know what to say with their cream-of-crap casseroles. p129

2. Such a fascinating topical intersection, I'm pleased she was able to make so much space for this in this book. It astonished me to see that men who venerated women, instead of relegating them to merely functional vessels to be filled and fucked and fiddled with, were different kinds of men. Father Stephen didn’t speak of women as if they were objects. They were important enough to name. They had identities and faces, stories and sometimes, voices. p201

3. There are detailed and numerous descriptions of cruelty to animals and animal suffering in this book. I would have appreciated a content warning, but I would have been okay if there hadn't been a scene which mindlessly prejudices feral cats as being diseased, and then describes the innocent animals equally mindless murder.

Three (or less) things I didn't love:

This section isn't only for criticisms. It's merely for items that I felt something for other than "love" or some interpretation thereof.

1. God did kill mothers. He was in control, not us. If I didn’t submit, he’d teach me a lesson too. I knew now God could take anyone, at any time, and I didn’t want to lose my family. A year later, I didn’t have stomachaches only on Sundays— I had them every day. Loc. 174

2. I'm surprised how personal the narrative is, I guess. What I like about THE EXVANGELICALS for example is the mixture of personal narrative, religious commentary, and religious background or history. This narrative, on the other hand, is told primarily using the author's memories for the timeline.

3. The dangers of premarital SEX included pregnancy and GONGA-RHEA. p35 I mean...I feel like I'm being punked. My assistive reader couldn't pronounce this mutilation of gonorrhea, so I had to peer through my perpetual blur to see GONGA-RHEA. I can't figure out, with the way this is written, if this is what the author's virginal ears first heard? Is this what her miseducating elders actually said it was? Is she being hyperbolic to reflect her elders' general attitudes about basic sexual science? I can't tell, and that's on the author, who really has a responsibility to write clearly because she is writing about such an important topic.

4. A concerned mother could find a wisdom booklet to match any burning concern she had for her family. p100 Disconcerting that parents wouldn't parent, but would rather funnel this doctrine through to their children.

5. Look, I'm not questioning this author's experience, but good doctors don't diagnose MS off of symptoms or a single visit. Her doctors apparently said there wasn't a test for MS, and there is no one single test. There are like ten, and they run all of them over a great deal of time. And still, it can be very difficult to diagnose MS. Beyond all that, I'm so glad the author found answers and solutions for her condition!

Rating: 🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀 /5 of God's roses
Recommend? Yes!
Finished: Aug 15 '24
Format: Digital arc, Kindle, NetGalley
Read this book if you like:
👤 memoirs
🕊 cult escape stories
💇‍♀️ women's coming of age
🌤 redemption stories
👨‍👩‍👦‍👦 family stories/drama

This is such a well-done memoir and so important, especially at with the rise of “trade-wives” on social media. I was raised in evangelicalism with lots of connections to the IBLP and when I see homeschool kids and submissive wives, I flinch for them (though I know not every story is the same). I like that Well-Trained Wife shows the gradual route into the terrifying reality of off-grid, abused wife life. I think people wonder how anyone could find themselves in horrible circumstances, but the path honestly made sense and I found myself sympathizing so deeply with Tia. This book is graphic and heard to swallow, but well-written and palatable for tough topics. I read a lot of memoirs and I feel like endings often drag- like the author can’t stop until they really feel their points been made- and this one did slightly drag for me in the end, but overall it’s an excellent book I’d definitely recommend.

I received an ARC of this book from NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.

This book provided a fascinating glimpse into the life of a woman who was a Christian fundamentalist.

This book was a hard read, but an important one. I especially appreciated the ways that Levings describes her teenager years and really showcases the ways that patriarchal Christianity enables and sets women up for abusive relationships before they’ve ever gotten into one.

Levings descriptions of the abuse and the ways she managed to escape were intensely real and familiar to me in a lot of ways.

The chapter titles themselves were powerful, it took me a moment of reading before I realized that if you read them all as one sentence they write out “Groom a wife in the way she should go and when she is free she will depart from it” and I am glad she departed from it.

The synopsis of this book hooked me in right away - a woman coming to terms with her reality and trying to break the cycle? Count me in!
That being said, I found myself never to be excited while reading this. Of course, the topic is somber and hard, but I felt like the story was just dragging on. I was constantly hoping for it to get better or to have more substance and that was just never the case.
Does this book have an audience? Certainly. Was it for me? No.

Reading this book made me feel shocked and furious. I had to put Tia's beautiful book down a few times to take deep breaths because I was crying so much.

Tia Levings was raised in a fundamentalist Christian religion where wives submit to their husbands and do not question their choices. She talks about growing up in a very restrictive environment and how she eventually worked up the guts to escape her abusive marriage and town in pursuit of equality. She explains the harmful doctrines of patriarchy and demonstrates the unsettling ways in which they have crept into our culture and the church.

I'm amazed by Levings's strength and insight; this was an amazing book. Despite everything that she has been through, she remains kind, loving, and optimistic.

The story was written in an amazing way. I have nothing but praise for this book. Though I believe many people should read it, this book should be tackled cautiously due to its sensitive subjects.

This book was so engrossing and well written that I finished an 11 hour audiobook in about 24 hours. I just could not stop listening. Your heart will break over and over and over for Tia and her children. The brainwashing and scare tactics utilized on Tia and her contemporaries are truly horrifying. There is no doubt that this is a very toxic and dangerous culture, and I think it is quite important for everyone in today’s society to be informed on the realities of it.

Another fantastic memoir.

This book is so revealing and heartbreaking but, at the same time, very inspiring and honest.

I can honestly say there were times I cried reading this book. I felt so upset and horrified at some of the situations the author went through. I kept hoping that she would find the light at the end of the tunnel, and even though it took time, she did, and I was so happy and relieved for her. Nobody should experience these kinds of things in life. However, it seems like the author managed to learn a lot, and now she uses her experiences to help other people.

I appreciate the author sharing her story.

Thank you, St. Martin's Press and NetGalley, for the free advanced copy in exchange for an honest review.

Wow, this was a hard but valuable book to read. In the majority of chapters Levings narrates her biography well, helping the reader picture her life and life choices from childhood through her escape with her children from a dangerous and toxic way of life. I was only slightly familiar with some of the extreme fundamentalist groups and practices she outlines; but she bravely and clearly shows readers many of the fearful, gut-wrenching episodes that comprised her life and her children’s with a domineering and seemingly unhinged husband who blindly accepted increasingly more extreme and harmful philosophies. The last parts of the book painfully detailed her many efforts and therapy techniques to acknowledge and mend her decades-long trauma brought on by acquiescing to the horrid circumstances she was sucked into. I just cannot imagine how her relative recovery and her children’s successful journeys to adulthood were even possible.

In this memoir I learned more about some of the horrors of Christian fundamentalism. Not having a lot of insight into these lives this book was very jarring.

It wasn’t just blatant abuse, rape, gaslighting but the overall understanding that a church that is supposed to provide safety and protection would knowingly allow and teach how a man, or head of household, can abuse their wife through domestic disciple.

This book was incredibly interesting and a total page turner. Tia’s retelling of her trauma and escape is mesmerizing.

Could NOT take my eyes off this book, I read it in two days! The writing is immersive and recognizable. Though I was never a trad wife, I did have an abuse ex and Levings nailed how terror paralyzes you. The scariest thing is that this is still an on-going issue - people running for office right now have expressed that women shouldn't vote! What the heck! We will not go back!