Why Do We Stay by Stephanie Quayle
Information: B-
Self Help Parts: B-
Memoir parts: B
Best Aspect: Very personal detailed telling of being in a toxic relationship.
Worst Aspect: Most of the self-help parts are things one can google.
Recommend: Yes.

Weaving her personal story with expert definitions and advice, the author shares her dramatic history of toxic relationships. A helpful resource to people experiencing emotional abuse in romantic relationships, it guides the reader through how to recognize they're in one, how to get out, and how to grieve and heal. Half memoir and half self-help book, the incredible autobiographical tale will keep you turning the pages.

Actually, I would give this book 3.5 stars if half stars were allowed.

Stephanie went from being a tutor for a young girl to the girlfriend of the girl's father. She thought she knew him on so many levels, yet she still found herself always wondering if he was seeing other women. When she would see him appear to flirt with others, she would ask him later about his intentions and he always told her she was crazy. Yes, gaslighting was his style and it made her wonder if she was overreacting as he claimed. She learned later that she was right to doubt him and not doubt her own feelings. She couldn't believe she had allowed herself to be treated that way for so long.

She resolved not to fall into that trap again, yet found herself in a serious relationship with a man who was also cheating on her while swearing he was not. She realized there was a pattern here and decided to work on changing that aspect of herself that was drawn to men who would abuse her love and trust.

Similar to 12 step program advice, she does not offer specific advice as every relationship is different and there is no "one size fits all" fix. Rather she basically says "this worked for me and maybe you should try it" advice instead. Do the work, find what your trigger is and then you won't be likely to fall for that kind of person who would abuse you.

It is not easy and it would be years before she could succeed, but if you don't try, you will keep getting what you have been allowing. Do the work and your chance of finding people who treat you right will be much easier.

The necessity of this books existence breaks my heart. I feel this book deep in my bones. Domestic violence needs to end. Thank you Netgalley for my advanced copy.

I appreciate the messages of warning, hope, and solidarity contained in this text.  I’ve experienced the heartbreaking recollections of many women who have survived horrific entrapment and abuse . . . I acknowledge each one with great empathy. This account seemed more like a woman scorned by a narcissistic and untrustworthy lover. I have also read many an unpolished manuscript in my day without judgment of small imperfections. The atrocious formatting of the pages that were delivered to me almost made this woman’s personal tragedy unreadable. I can’t place the entire aversion on the formatting though. At times the author comes across as exploitative . . . wallowing in toxicity and victimhood as a way to promote herself as an artist . . . which is equally unpalatable. I have recently learned that there is an audio rendition of this book being made available soon. I’m sure the full account is best told by its owner and may land much better. If you are interested, I would recommend that format as superior to this particular version.

I'd like to thank NetGalley for an advanced copy of Why Do We Stay for my unbiased evaluation.  2 stars

With amazing insight, Stephanie Quayle shares her story, one so personal yet written in a way that others can relate to. Her words allow the things she has learned in life to penetrate their own damaged hearts on the way to finding healing too.

WHY DO WE STAY great question.
The answer is simple, we are afraid
1. to be alone
2. to be alone with yourself

BEING ALONE today is not <normal> being without a partner, husband, etc... it is simply understood that you have someone, and what kind of person he is is another question. People today base their relationship on sexuality, and passion is not a sustainable foundation. Because we can also feel passion towards others. So many are tied to someone sexually and everything else is unstable - there is no partnership, friendship, empathy, etc

BEING ALONE WITH YOURSELF many are insecure and do not have enough courage to pave their own way, that's why they are looking for someone

but the saddest thing is being ALONE and having someone next to you - and not having LOVE

If I could speak all languages,
and I wouldn't have love,
I would be brass that groans
or a tinkling cymbal,
just dust and smoke without love.


If I had the gift of prophecy
and knew the secrets of all knowledge.
If by the power of faith I were to move above,
without love I am nothing.


Love is patient,
love is benevolent,
she does not envy
do not boast, do not be arrogant;
she's not polite, she doesn't ask for her own,
she is not irritable, forgives, forgets evil.


Prophecy, it will disappear;
tongues, tongues will be silent;
Knowledge, it will disappear;
Only love will never end...


Love is patient,
love is benevolent,
she does not envy
do not boast, do not be arrogant;
she's not polite, she doesn't ask for her own,
she is not irritable, forgives, forgets evil.