This book took me quite awhile to get through, but that is because I needed to be in the right mindset to confront grief in order to read it. I would recommend this to anyone who has faced a loss, and needs some encouraging words to make it through the day. This book will bring you to tears at times, but will also lift you up and give you the encouragement you need to keep going. It feels like chatting with a friend who is being up front and honest with you about their story. Definitely recommend, but be prepared to face your own feelings when you do.

Being a therapist, I don't read a ton of mental health content because it just feels like work and reading is my escape. However, I've read a few of Clare Mackintosh's thrillers over the last year (yeah, did you know she's the lady who did The Last Party|60305071??) and when I saw this I picked it up. This is exactly what it promises. Mackintosh experienced deep grief many years ago with the loss of her infant child. At some point she had put into the world via the internet a list of 18 assurances or promises about grief. It gained enough attention that she felt compelled to write a book to flush out each assurance. The chapters are structured around these assurances. Mackintosh uses her own experience of grief to provide evidence for why she believes each thing to be true. I can't remember all of them right now but I finished last night and the last chapter was called "I promise you won't forget." I just loved that one. I think a fear of forgetting is so central to so many folks' experience of grief that I see. Anyway, like any book covering such a deeply personal but also universal experience like grief, there are things in this book that will really resonate for people and there are things that will not hit quite right or even maybe feel super untrue to some people but I can't imagine someone reading this who has known some level of grief and not getting something from it. I won't be afraid to recommend this to clients in my work. I am glad it exists.

Here are some of the quotes that resonated with me. If they make you feel something too then maybe this book is for you?

"My extremities were numb and tingling, as though my blood had taken one look at the distance required to travel there and decided against it."

"The early stages of grief are about survival. We pick a path through the shelled-out remains of our life, and it takes time to find our way home again."

"Throughout our lives we love many people, and the loss of each one is its own devastation."

"Grief is a chronic debilitating illness, with symptoms that come and go. It can't be cured, only managed."

"This tree must have fallen many, many years ago: the ground is settled, and the earth as built up again around the base. If it had been alone in the middle of a field when it toppled, it would have crashed to the ground and died. But this tree grew in a forest. It stood surrounded by other trees--some smaller, some larger--and when it fell, all those years ago, it was caught by these other trees. Its roots were wrenched from the ground: nerve endings exposed and vulnerable, brittle and dead. But just enough of them still reach into the earth to keep it alive. It rests in the arms of others, who have silently kept it from falling to the ground. They have saved it. They continue to save it. The slant of this huge trunk is absurd. It lurches across the path like a drunkard bent on self-destruction. Surely a tree cannot grow at such an angle? But slowly, carefully, over months and years the branches learned to adapt. They changed their path, twisted upward, and pushed their way toward the sky. And so the tree grows. It makes no pretense at normality: it leans upon others, and it finds a way to live, and to breathe, and to grow."

"It can feel,, for a long time, as though we're only pretending to be happy, and not only do I think that's okay, I think it can help us become truly happy. The more we smile, the more normal it begins to feel, even if we haven't smiled for a long time. Science backs this up: our brain can't tell the difference between a pretend smile and a real one; both trigger the release of chemicals that make us feel good."

As someone who actively experiences deaths and grief on a regular. I believe I received this book at the perfect time.

I’m a big believer that time fixes so many pains in life..I loved the hope that filled this book. It’s comforting to know it won’t be this intense forever.

As a survivor of repeated infant loss, I had to read and digest this book in small increments. Though my losses were decades ago, reading Claire Macintosh brought back so many long buried memories of the searing pain, heartache and confusion that followed that it took my breath away. Had social media existed in the early ‘80, it would have been a huge comfort to have connected with women in similar situations and helpful to know that those of us in a club we never asked to join were (probably) going to be ok. How I wish there were such thoughtful, truthful and hopeful essays such as I Promise It Won’t Always Hurt Like. Thank you, thank you NetGalley and Sourcebooks for my advanced copy.

Thank you to Netgalley and the publisher for allowing me to read and review an advanced copy of this novel. I highly enjoyed it and will be recommending it.

Clare Mackintosh writes from her heart. I found I Promise it Won’t Always Hurt Like This to be a difficult read. True and to the heart of the matter, Mackintosh takes on the hard conversations.

This is a beautifully written book filled with love and an abundance of hope. A must-read for anyone who has lost a child and feels they will never be able to breathe again without the excruciating pain of this terrible loss.

Thank you very much @netgalley for the Advanced Reader Copy of I Promise It Won't Always Hurt Like This by Clare Mackintosh. She is the author of several mystery/crime novels, but this is a sort of memoir. Her son died 18 years ago at 5 weeks old, and this book brings her through the pain, and how she kind of came out of it. She uses her pain and feelings to let others know that she understands, and channels her personal grief in a way that may be able to help others. Even though the pain never goes away, time actually does help to heal. It is very sad but also uplifting. I think this would be a good gift for someone who has experienced the death of a loved one, particularly (but not only) a child. Beautifully written, raw and poignant. #ipromiseitwontalwayshurtlikethis #claremackintosh #netgalley #bookstagram #lovetoread #booksthatheal

As someone who lost her father years ago and more recently lost her uncle, this book came at such a good time for me.

there are 18 assurances at about grief. Everyone has experienced grief in one form or another. This had all the feels and I high recommend it

I loved this book so much and want to give it to anyone who has experienced grief. Mackintosh has a gift for putting often hard to describe feelings into words, and I found myself crying throughout the book, and ended up highlighting significant parts of each chapter. I love the structure of the 18 "assurances," and even if they were just in a list without the accompanying chapters, they would be salve to a grieving person. I lost someone very close to me a few years ago, and as I was reading, I just kept thinking how incredibly helpful and comforting it would have been to have the 18 assurances at the time, since early grief is so disorienting and feels like it will never get better.

I will be purchasing a hard copy for my library, and while I wish there wasn't a need for this type of book, I'm glad it exists and will share with others as we will all experience loss at some point in our lives.

Thank you to the author, publisher and Netgalley for the eARC.

Sometimes it’s bookish serendipity when a book lands in your lap at the most perfect time. I didn’t know I needed Mackintosh’s book right now, but her honest approach to grief and her realistic advice are just what I needed.

If I’m being honest, I’ve felt guilty grieving. There is so much hurt in our world, young children are dying of cancer, friends have lost their husbands, friends have lost their siblings, and people are dying much too young and too soon. I was lucky enough to have my dad in my life for 51 years. I know how special that is. But, Clare Mackintosh reminded me “loving other people doesn’t make it easier to lose someone; it simply gives you a reason to keep going.”

In her book, a much different book than her previous ones, Mackintosh writes of the debilitating grief after their five-week-old son, a twin, died from meningitis. You might know Clare Mackintosh for her compelling and thrilling crime mysteries. A former police officer, she left the force after her son died and began writing. But, writing this book never crossed her mind until she wrote this Twitter thread on the anniversary of his death in 2020 went viral and it gave her the idea for the book.

Mackintosh honestly shares the deep despair she felt after her son’s death as well as how she dealt with the death of her father. Surprisingly, grief is universal, but it is also unique to each person who is missing someone we love. So, even though I haven’t lost a child, I could still relate to her emotions and struggles.

In college, I lost two of my closest friends in separate accidents one year apart. As a newly married wife, I lost my father-in-law and seven years later my mother-in-law. As a young parent, my nephew was killed in a car accident. I’m not a stranger to grief and each loss has affected me in different ways. In December, my father passed away peacefully after 91 years of a wonderful life. Honestly, some days, I don’t even think about it, and others I’m crippled by the loss and can’t stop the tears from flowing.

“Grief was my own grim reaper, looming over happy times, reminding me how easily they could be snatched away.”

What I loved about this book is that it felt like I was having a conversation with the author. It wasn’t preachy or condescending or clinical. She shares the guilt she felt after her son died just 5 weeks after his birth, never leaving the NICU while his twin brother was living and growing. She was angry and felt like she must have done something wrong to cause his death. Her work suffered and somehow she still had to parent another child in the NICU. Mackintosh realized that she and her husband grieved differently, but both were deeply sad and struggling. She became overwhelmed with the simple tasks of life and some days had to let her grief take over. She was loved by friends and family, some who said and did the right things and others who didn’t while also knowing they meant well but infuriated her.

“…we have to give in to our emotions-sadness, anger, tearfulness-and this is equally true of happiness. Don’t analyze it, don’t try to measure or justify it. Just feel it. It’s okay to not be okay, but it’s just as okay to feel good.”

Mackintosh left nothing unsaid and had me in tears multiple times because she put into words exactly what I had been feeling. I don’t wish this experience on anyone and yet, each of us will have to grieve the loss of someone we love at some point in our life. Mackintosh’s 18 promises are a guide for the hard days ahead and remind you that the sadness doesn’t ever end, but it does get better.

“Experts can help us build a toolkit for grief, but we’re the only ones who can try each tool out and see what fits.”

If you’ve experienced a loss or know someone who has, this book will offer hope, encouragement, validation, and a way to navigate the hard days.

Not for the faint of heart if you are hurting, probably best read some time after the death of a loved one, but then it is well worth it.
Emotional and heartfelt.

Although several of this author’s books are on my TBR, I’ve never read her work before. This is a departure from her fiction writing and it must have been a difficult project for her. This grief guide is, in a word, perfection.

In this memoir, she is extremely vulnerable and transparent. Her baby boy died at 5 weeks old. I can only imagine, through her heartbreaking story-telling here, how this must feel.

While this book won’t help someone “get over it” (c’mon people, stop using this phrase, it’s rude and mean and not at all helpful), the 18 assurances are comforting. The writing is stunning and I’m considering buying the audio.

I started reading this book six months after I lost my Dad and in many ways it was an answer to prayer to help my grieving process. I have never know what it is to lose a child and I cannot begin to even imagine the the gambit of emotions that one goes through who has. In this book Claire Mackintosh bares her soul as she shares the battles of dealing with the loss of a child and the war that truly never ends. Through her grief and experience you can find strength and resources to help in your own battle with grief. As she
mentions it is something that never goes away and at random times out of the blue it will side swipe you out of nowhere. Through her honest struggle you can see how to respond to those who are going through the loss and if you are the one who has lost a child how to cope with it. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Everyone does it on their own time table. This is a book that I recommended to my niece six months after she lost her precious baby girl at nine months due to cord strangulation. It gave her hope that she wasn’t the only one and that out there was someone who could understand to their core what she was struggling with. Grief and loss is a universal event that in my opinion isn’t discussed enough in the western culture and this a book that needs to be read and discussed.

This is a book that I will come back to in the future. The author’s perspective and candour on grief was beautifully honest and moving.

This book is fine in small doses. It can definitely be read out of order in regard to chapters. It’s feels surface, rather than deep understanding. Definitely not something to help process emotion or sit down and read for hours.

A meditative journey through grief. It is a book about sorrow and about hope. Beautifully written.
Many thanks to Sourcebooks and to Netgalley for providing me with a galley in exchange for my honest opinion.

I’ve been a fan of Clare Mackintosh’s fiction books and was intrigued by her debut into nonfiction. It won’t always hurt like this is incredibly moving and powerful and I’m sure will go on to help many who are grieving. I really appreciated her introduction where she makes clear to the reader to only read what resonates with them and isn’t too painful to read. I read this like a book and I’m glad I did. I know there are chapters I’ll go back to in a future time of need.
Thank you to the author, Netgalley and Sourcebooks for the eARC in exchange for my honest review.

This didn't work for me as a generalized reflection on grief because it's really specific to the author's loss of her infant son. I would have wanted to hear reflections on losing one twin and how that changes in raising the remaining twin. I really did not get anything out of this but maybe another reader would if they have suffered the loss of a child.