Deciding to start a family and have children is a personal choice and in today’s world where so many couples we know choose not to have children, my husband and I had many discussions around why we wanted to. I was intrigued to learn about What Are Children For?: On Ambivalence and Choice and decided to see the other side of the decision - when people don’t quite know yet what they want to do.

I don’t need to look far to find the last generation where everyone had kids. My parents' generation was that. I know of no married uncles or aunts who chose not to have kids. I picked up What Are Children For? to understand the choices or situations for couples to decide not to have children. Anastasia Berg and Rachel Wiseman present a thorough review of surveys, literature and opinions around ambivalence and the final choice to have kids.

I enjoyed the introduction “Under pressure” written by Rachel and the first chapter “The Externals” of this book. It laid out the historical background around the rise of ambivalence around having children. I heard from both men and women from different walks of life, sharing the thoughts that hold them back. I learned about a course that has been available since the 1990s for couples to take and help them figure out if having children is right for them. A number of factors can affect the decision including but not limited to age, financial stability, society pressure, personal values, religious influence, etc. In reading other reviews, there may be other aspects that could have been considered.

I don’t go out of my way to read feminist point of views and as I finished the first chapter, I was curious what feminists think of motherhood. The second chapter “The Dialectic of Motherhood” did a great job of reviewing those different perspectives and the futuristic settings that some feminists think childbirth would eventually move to.

The third chapter is where this book felt like it no longer took a neutral stance on childbirth. As an avid reader, I thought I would like an analysis of how motherhood and choice to have kids is portrayed in literature. The third chapter’s name “Analysis Paralysis” ended up being just that. Firstly, I got the distinct impression that it was an academic literature review. The writing was not engaging anymore. It was very analytical and structured like arguments. I had heard some of the novels mentioned in the chapter but not most of them. The plot of many of the novels was analyzed in detail so now I have read spoilers. I struggled so much with this chapter. I wanted to be interested but I could not figure out why I was not. So I took a break and returning a few months later showed me the problem. What made this chapter very hard to read was the fact that most, if not all (because I can’t remember anymore) books covered did not have a positive spin on motherhood and pregnancy. Some of the women did go ahead and have children, but a lot of times, it felt like reading long dissatisfied monologues that were followed by analysis of those monologues which only proved the authors’ points that deciding to have children is life changing in a negative way.

Anyway, I kept going and made it to the final chapter of the book “To be or…?”. It was almost as frustrating as chapter three. The emphasis changed from feminism and literature to broader topics like global warming that influence the choice to have children. It was the experiences and thoughts of everyday people like me with day jobs that made the start of this book such an interesting read. But by this chapter, I was reading climate activists' takes on whether they want children or not (and books and essays about this) and celebrities and movie producers on their thoughts and how they manage creative work with families, or their outright disgust at the idea of having children. Anti-natalist arguments were analyzed in depth. It was physiologically quite dense, countering each argument. I felt that the examples chosen here were primarily antenatal and providing pro-natal commentary would have made this more balanced. Overall, the conclusion was that the answer to whether to have kids or not is a personal choice.

The conclusion of the book, “Hello from the other side”, is written by Anastasia where she contemplates at length about how to answer the question “how is motherhood?” for herself from the time her daughter is born to almost two years old when she and her husband are thinking of another child. The book redeemed itself a little bit at this point. I felt that even though the author had children, she continued to have mixed feelings about that choice, or maybe had to continue to justify the positive against the challenges.

Having children is a personal choice and it is a huge life change no doubt. Maybe some people accept the changes in lifestyle children bring with grace. For others, it might take years to let go of how life used to be before children. Some parts of What Are Children For? explores the struggles of going from ambivalence to making the choice to have children and the shock of how much they truly change life. It is a choice that was made, not one that was an innate draw, like it is for some couples who instinctively know if they want children or not. Maybe the struggle of parenthood is harder in the case of looking very closely on why something matters when our heart isn’t sure and has to be convinced. Maybe once we are committed, some of us can adjust to the changes better than others. I do not know. Personal experiences are varied and just like no pregnancy or child is the same as another, ambivalence and the final decision to have or not have children is also very personal and would look different for every person.

What role does this book play to that effect?

All in all, I really wanted to like What Are Children For? It had the makings of a great book, one that could have been a resource for someone looking to read a book about ambivalence and how to navigate it. If it had stayed neutral to ambivalence rather than showing a negative picture of childbirth and motherhood through its mostly one sided research, I would have recommended it. But the way it is, I cannot recommend to someone looking to read neutral resources about whether to have children. It is more focused on the not and though that is a legit approach to getting to why, I felt the tone was more negative than positive. After the first chapter, the book feels too academic and the philosophical arguments may not be an approach that all readers can engage in.

Many thanks to the publisher for a review copy of this book for my honest thoughts.

What are Children For was a really interesting and nuanced read. I appreciated the insight, as I am childfree by choice. I would certainly hope this is considered when people are thinking of having children.

This is a thick read but so worth it. It is so dense with information and stories that I did find it a bit difficult to carry on with at some points, but it was super well written and explores motherhood from so many different angles. I really enjoyed it, though it did take me a long time to get through.

Overall, this was a quick read that didn’t break new ground for me but summarised some of the interesting issues around the decision to have or forgo having children. There were some great literary tie-ins.

I’m long past the decision of whether or not to parent. However it was a reasonably interesting exercise to read this discussion on making the decision to have kids these days, and to reflect on my own experience. Berg and Wiseman’s book is most relevant to the West, and speaks mostly of women, which puts me in their target audience.

This non-fiction exploration is a mix of essay and research summary, in four parts:

-The Externals: things like finances, personal freedoms, happiness, career and how that impacts the decision

-The Dialectic of Motherhood: A brief history of the evolving feminist view of motherhood

-Analysis Paralysis: A fascinating review of the literature of mothering.

-To Be Or…?: Should we even have kids (climate change, suffering…etc)?

These are bookended by personal reflections by Wiseman and Berg and these sections were the most compelling. Otherwise, this is a combination of an overview of key historical and contemporary ideas in the field mixed with author observations and can be slightly dry. I found the analysis of the current spate of literature by women on the issue of motherhood interesting. The authors provide an interest-piquing analysis of Elena Ferrante’s The Lost Daughter, which happens to be sitting unread on my shelf. After reading this, it won’t remain unread for long.

I also liked the review of the philosophy of whether having children is justified in this world of suffering. It’s a legitimate question, but ultimately one that may remain more of an intellectual exercise than truly forming the basis for most folks’ decision making around parenthood.

This will particularly appeal to those who are contemplating parenthood, or perhaps grandparenthood!

Thanks to St. Martin's Press and NetGalley for a gifted copy.

I really enjoyed this exploration on having children. As a woman with children, I was curious to read more about the anti-natalist movement that has seemingly increased in popularity. I found it super interesting to hear about many adults choosing not to have children due to unrealistically high expectations of how much money they should have, what assets they should possess prior to having children, and fears related to the climate and contributing to "the problem." Within the context of our present day, it is no wonder the birth rates are continuing to drop in almost every country in the world. I think much of the argument that people have against having children is rooted in our individualistic (versus collectivist) culture.

This book has a lot of references to feminist texts, often citing the works of Rachel Cusk and Sheila Heti. This provides the reader with additional materials to seek out to read more about direct experiences with motherhood and ambivalence. I don't necessarily think this book would be a directly helpful guide for those struggling with the decision to have children. While there is exploration of different arguments - including climate change, not finding a suitable partner, financial concerns, and self-interest - there is (perhaps obviously) no direct path to coming to a conclusion for yourself. I would also say that the authors perspectives on motherhood seem to skew slightly negative, which is obviously not everyone's experience who chooses to have children. Overall, I really enjoyed this. One critique I have is I didn't experience a different voice for each of the authors and felt a bit confused as to who was speaking in the conclusion of the book.

Thank you to NetGalley, St. Martin's Press, and the authors Anastasia Berg and Rachel Wiseman for an ARC on the interesting topic of having children!

I appreciate the book's premise and liked it overall, but it's not the guide it bills itself as. The summary describes 'WHAT ARE CHILDREN FOR?' as an "argument" with "guidance" on how to overcome parenthood ambivalence. However, it's more of a collection of various people's thoughts on having children throughout history. The authors definitely add to these perspectives, but as someone who is absolutely the target audience for this book, I didn't find much of what I would consider guidance or advice. Still, I did enjoy reading what various people, including many prominent feminist voices, thought about motherhood and the choice to bear children.

I had a problem with how this book unnecessarily spoils other books that are mentioned, though. If you plan to read 'WHAT ARE CHILDREN FOR?' and don't want spoilers for the fiction books DETRANSITION BABY by Torrey Peters and THE LOST DAUGHTER by Elena Ferrante, read with caution. I've already read the former, and I no longer feel I need to read the latter. There were other books mentioned with spoilers that I don't remember, but those were the main two.

Fiction spoilers aside, cultural criticism plays a big part in the makeup of this book, and the authors do a good job with this. 'WHAT ARE CHILDREN FOR?' is culturally conscious, historically and generally informative, and social justice-oriented, which makes it a solid book on the pros and cons of having children. I wish it were described more accurately because anyone who is researching what modern vs. previous decades women thought about having children would find it a helpful resource. It's meant to be a guidebook but never makes it there. It gets stuck in the intellectual weeds, but I like intellectual weeds, so I don't regret spending time in this book. (Rating: 3.75 stars, rounded up to 4)

*This review is based on a digital ARC provided by the publisher via NetGalley. All opinions are 100% honest and my own.