How do I review this beautiful story and do it justice? To start, I’d say the overarching theme of this book is “you love your kids no matter what” and your job as a parent is to help your kids find happiness. What do you do when your kindergartener son wants to wear a dress to school & tells you they are a girl? You pivot & make it work for them. I loved these characters & I feel like Penn & Rosie are fictional parents that demonstrate how hard being a parent is. The other four boys sometimes suffered in the effort to help Claude/Poppy be happy and live their best life but they loved their family. The story can be very heavy at times but the trip to Thailand and the ending made it worth reading through. I will be thinking about this story for a while.

The narrator was wonderful and I enjoyed listening to the story.

Thanks to NetGalley and MacMillan Audio for a copy of this audiobook.

As a parent of a teen who suffered with dysphoria, this book brought more heartbreaking understanding to this topic but was very hard for me to read. That said, I think it was well-written with compassion and understanding for this emotionally-charged and relevant topic

Thank you to NetGalley and the Publisher for this ARC in exchange for an honest review.

It's no wonder that this story was included in the Reese's Book Club! What a heartwarming, raw and captivating story about a little boy, Claude, at age five, who decides that when he grows up, he wants to wear dresses and be a girl.

Gender is such a hot topic. This story follows the journey and judgements that one can experience, and how it effects not only the person, but also their whole family. How a simple protective instinct of your children can potentially be a trigger.

This is such a thought-provoking story, where the parents were asked to assign genders to such activities and items to help understand that there is so much grey out there. It really makes you realize how much we, as a society, have a predetermined understanding of gender roles and assignments - and how that can impact and hold us back.

I highly suggest this to everyone with an open mind. As an enlightening read, it will really make you think.

Beautiful , poignant and important. A must read for every person. The way that Frankel handles the very complex subject matter of gender dysphoria is stunning and comprehensive. The way that she wore the fairytale into the story was magical. All of the characters were well developed and I fell in love with all of them.

This is How It Always Is an emotional, honest & touching story. This is a story of love, family and acceptance. It is also the story of young Claude who has gender dysphoria. Claude is the youngest of Rosie & Penn's five children and the result of their final attempt at having a daughter after 4 boys. Claude was a special child and a perfect addition to the family. He walked and talked at 9 months and was baking 3-tier cakes and writing and illustrating mysteries at age 3. By the time Claude was 5, what he wanted more than anything was to "grow up and become a little girl". Not only are the characters relatable and genuine, the plot so relevant right now. The patience, empathy & understanding that’s shown throughout is truly beautiful. I could not stop listening to this book. Beautifully written! Beautifully read!

This book was complex for me. The acceptance and freedom given to Poppy made me cry because it is so idealistic but there were definitely parts I found lacking. I think the biggest let down was how they kept building and building this sense of foreboding and the “big event” that it culminated in was a pretty big let down since it seemed unavoidable to me.

It was interesting to see how even parents who are maybe doing things right still manage to do things so wrong/backwards.

Complex read and a good intro to what is a complicated and hard experience for families to go through together.

I do think the mothers subconscious (that’s me being a bit generous) anti-transness was addressed and challenged a bit more.

I could not stop listening to this book! Such an emotional, beautiful novel that explores complex families and the secrets they tell themselves - and others. It was so incredibly thoughtful and nuanced in how it approached difficult topics of acceptance and inclusion. Would highly recommend this book!



The book follows Rosie and Penn and how they navigate parenting their five children. They struggle with what to do that is “best” or “right” for their children, particularly with their youngest. After trying for a girl - and ending up with four boys - they tried again for a fifth, ending up with Claude. Claude is a bright, creative, precocious child who wants to wear dresses and become a lady scientist and play princess. After letting Claude be their true self, they encounter a terrifying series of events that causes them to uproot their lives to the Pacific Northwest. In moving, Claude became Poppy and the family decided to keep a big secret that ends up unraveling over time and blowing up disastrously, leaving the family to pick up the pieces.



Frankel is a phenomenal writer, writing about each of the family members rawly and beautifully while also capturing a clear tone and appropriate pacing throughout. I was hooked from the start! I really loved the use of Penn’s stories throughout, which was so cleverly done. I also appreciated both Rosie’s and Poppy’s character developments throughout - they felt very real and waded into difficult decisions. It also opens up a lot of conversations to occur about trans youth and violence against the LGBTQIA+ community broadly speaking, which really speaks to the current moment aptly.



Thank you Macmillan Audio and NetGalley for the ARC!!

I adored this book. I think it should be required reading for every person before having children, and anyone who interacts with children as a profession. It was so well written. I am so thankful I received this audiobook. I will be thinking about it and have such a book hangover!

In a Nutshell: A beautiful contemporary fiction about a little boy who isn’t a boy. Emotional, realistic, thought-provoking. Well-written almost all the way. Highly recommended.

Story Synopsis:
Ever since her younger sister Poppy died of cancer during her childhood, Rosie has wanted a daughter named Poppy. But when she has five boys with her writer husband Penn, she accepts that “Poppy” will just be a dream.
When her youngest, Claude, is five, he says that he wants to be a girl when he grows up. And maybe even before that. Thus begins a long game of what to reveal and what to keep secret., where to encourage Claude and where to dissuade him, how to keep the family united when little things are driving them apart. Giving them all a thread of hope is a fairy tale.
The story comes to us in the limited third person perspectives of Claude, Rosie, and Penn.


Bookish Yays:
😍 The handling of the plot – The author takes a complicated and possibly controversial premise, and pens it in the most beautiful way possible. I loved the intricacies of the writing, with the perfect balance between descriptions, musings, and action.
😍 The core theme of Claude being a transgender child. It is so sensitively handled that I couldn’t help feel awed by the beauty and the pain of the author’s words. It’s easy to wish for a binary world just so that children won’t go through such identity trauma. However, gender is not two-toned but a rainbow, and such books will help readers be more aware and more understanding. (At least, I hope so.)
😍 Claude – What beautiful character development for this little child! Every time he (I use the masculine pronoun deliberately – you will know why if you read the story) faced a new challenge, I felt like giving him a tight hug. Never before have I seen a transgender person’s “identity crisis”, if I can call it that, written so genuinely.
😍 Rosie and Penn – This couple is so in sync with each other and so focussed on their children’s requirements that they give close competition to Isabel and Nate Pullman from R.J. Palacio’s Wonder for being the best fictional parents, ever! I also love how they don’t allow being parents come in their way of being a couple.
😍 Several other impactful characters in the story, with my favourites being Claude’s grandmother Carmelo, his best friend Aggie and the eccentric pseudo-therapist Mr. Tongo. Claude’s four elder brothers also have a prime role in the proceedings, with the twins being the most memorable for me.
😍 The realistic depiction of what it means to be a family, complete with priorities and procrastinations, calm and chaos, fun and fights. Loved it!
😍 The multifarious discussions over gender roles in society, partly through the role reversal of the “provider” in the marriage, via Rosie’s being a doctor and Penn’s being struggling author, and partly through Claude’s discussions about what girls and boys can do.. All offer much fodder for thought.
😍 The emotions – Oh my! I can’t remember the last time I felt so overwhelmed while reading a novel. I love books that make me wonder what I would do if I were in a particular character’s position. In this novel, all three main characters - Rosie, Penn and Claude – made me put myself in their shoes repeatedly. Each of them had so much to deal with that their burdens became mine. As a parent, my heart broke whenever Claude struggled with something new, but it was Rosie, with our common maternal link, with whom I resonated most.
😍 I liked how Penn applied his authorial skills to narrate a customised bedtime story to his boys, and he didn’t stop even after the boys were grown up. His using the fairy tale in a metaphorical way to help his boys sort through their problems was a great glimpse at his parenting style. The fairy tale also adds a touch of magic to the story.
😍 Usually, such books seem to come with an agenda or a message. After all, with such a powerful topic, it is easy to slip into social commentary. However, the best part of this book is that it makes no social declarations at all. It throws plenty our way, but at the end, the decision taken by the couple and their child is theirs alone and not advocated as a blanket solution for all. It highlights how everyone’s needs are distinct and the one-size-fits-all approach doesn’t work in real life.
😍 The ending: Just enough of hope, just enough of happiness. To me, the best kind of books are ones that end with a smile on my face and tears in my eyes. This is easily one of them.
😍 Don’t miss the author’s note! It WILL make you look at the whole story with a fresh perspective.

Bookish Nays:
😣 Without going into spoilers, all I can say is that the part of the story that is set in Thailand is the weakest. To some extent, I can see why it was included, but I wish it had been better handled. It adds nothing great to the book, and deviates from the core plot. Also, it offers a very patronising and stereotypical picture of the beautiful country. As someone who has actually been to Thailand, I wasn’t happy with this lopsided and inaccurate portrayal as it was overly “white-saviour” in approach.

🎧 The Audiobook Experience:
The audiobook, clocking at a little more than 11 hrs, is narrated by Gabra Zackman. She is very good at bringing this audiobook to life, except for one thing: she keeps her volume the same, no matter whether the character is whispering or shrieking or just speaking casually. She does add emotions to her lines, but a little modification upwards or downwards on the decibel level would have helped much, especially during intense scenes such as arguments between two characters.
I am quite bugged that the audio ARC didn’t include the Author’s Note. It was so vital to this story! I’d rather have read the author’s note than the included preview of her upcoming book. Thankfully, I had the digital edition of this book on my Kindle, and hence read the Author’s Note from there.


At its heart, this is just the story of a family that is ready to do anything for one of its members. But the width and depth of the story spans so much more than this simple one-line premise. Though I am not happy with the representation of Thailand, I still feel that this book is a must-read, not just for its authentic portrayal of transgender issues but for its heartfelt depiction of what it truly means to be a family.

Definitely recommended to all readers who seek a beautiful story about a little *boy* and his family, and how they realise that "this is how it always is."

4.5 stars. (Rounding up despite the Thailand factor as I loved everything else!)

My thanks to Macmillan Audio and NetGalley for the ALC of “This Is How It Always Is”. This review is voluntary and contains my honest opinion about the audiobook.

Thanks to MacMillan Audio & NetGalley for providing an audio ARC in exchange for an honest review.

I wasn't expecting to like this book much, but it's surprisingly charming. However, it's not particularly realistic. Rosie and Penn are the perfect parents to all of their kids, but especially Poppy/Claude. The children are mostly perfect (the tiniest of behavioral hiccups for the oldest after the family moves thousands of miles away and makes everyone start over bc Rosie encounters a transwoman in the ER who has been attacked). Another review described the book as a fairy tale, and that about says it. Perhaps, since Frankel is herself the mother of a trans kid, she wrote the parents the way she wished she had been? At any rate, the story overall does not ring true and hinges on the extreme privilege of being a well-to-do white kid with parents who can spirit you off to wherever you need to go on a journey of discovery.

The characters, while enjoyable, are not very believable, but this was still a good read. As I mentioned, it's quite charming, and Poppy/Claude is a delightful kid, if wise beyond their years.

Parenting is the hardest job there is. This book is ultimately about parenting a child with gender dysphoria, which was done so beautifully and with so much grace. I wish all trans kids had parents like these. I wish everyone, including transphobic people, read this book with an open heart. The real gem of the story is the father, Penn. His ability to see to the very deepest core of those he loves, and somehow love them more for the things that many would consider faults. I am a family physician so there were a few things that irked me. You can’t go from ER to FM. They are different residencies. This book downplays family medicine which is anything but simple or easy. This is such a small part of an otherwise meaningful book that I did not let that change my rating. I did relate to the unrealistic expectations for doctors that they should put career before family. Overall, I laughed, cried, and learned more about the kind of parent I want to be. I agree with Penn that an easy life is not what I want for my kids, instead I wish for a fulfilling life.

This was an amazing audio book and a great narrator. I really liked how thought provoking many parts were. I could tell the author really did a lot a research in how to approach many of those sensitive topics that comes with talking about a young child who is struggling with gender identity. This is a book I think everyone needs to read.

This Is How It Always Is by Laurie Frankel, narrated by Gabra Zackman is the kind of audiobook that made me take longer walks, do more housework, and drive around the block so I could keep listening to this family's story. The story moved me, making me laugh and cry along with the characters, and many, many times hitting me between the eyes with a truth about how life and parenting evolves over time. It is a wonderful, timely story that I will not soon forget.

My favorite moment in the book is when in a conversation between parents, Penn comforts Rosie by telling her "this is how it always is"--parents never know whether what we do is the right choice, but we have to make the best decision we can, and hope for the best. Throughout the book, this statement was demonstrated in its stark reality. I also enjoyed the multicultural perspective of gender that Rosie and Claude experienced through Kay's story. This book should be required reading.

The audio narration, by Gabra Zackman, was perfection. Her voice felt parental, almost, and soothing even though the events were sometimes unsettling. This audio version also had an excerpt from Laurie Frankel's upcoming book, Family, Family, which is up next on my digital TBR. I'm looking forward to it!

Thank you to Netgalley and Macmillan Audio for the audio copy of This Is How It Always Is by Laurie Frankel, read by Gabra Zackman. The opinions in this review are my own.

Laurie Frankel's This Is How It Always Is, is a tender story about big love in the face of big changes. It's a book that doesn’t shy away from exploring the hard questions and the different ways to move forward.
I read the audio book version. Gabra Zackman does an excellent job of pulling the reader in. With her voice she conveys all the love, tenderness and various emotions throughout the book.
5 year old Claude is the baby of the family, in a family with all boys. He's a typical kid in all the ways that matter but he's struggling. He loves wearing dresses and playing dress up. Claude also knows that she's actually a little girl.
Claude's parents, Rosie and Penn, are confused but supportive. They just want Claude to be happy and healthy. They really have no idea what any of this means or what's the best way to move forward.
Soon they'll realize that change, all sorts of change, is simply what parenting has always been.

"You have to help him see that if he's disappearing from the world, that's too high a price to pay for fitting in."

This was just one of many lines from this family drama that I highlighted. What a lovely story about a lovely family. I really loved getting to see a regular family deal with both very big and very small, everyday things. This story just felt very "real." I loved the banter between Rosie and Quinn, and their very real marriage that had its ups and its downs. I loved reading about their boys, who were all very different, but also very well developed. And then there was Poppy. I just loved Poppy. How could you read this and not love Poppy?

I thoroughly enjoyed my time with this family. Just a lovely, lovely story.

Overall I really enjoyed this story and how mostly supportive the parents were of their gender dysphoric child. I was pretty frustrated that when Poppy was outed there was no discussion about the immense societal pressures that lead people to make the choice to detransition and that lead to trans people dying by suicide. While Poppy had family support, she was still meant to hide who she is from her friends and peers and was bullied and rejected when she was outed. I did appreciate that the nuances of gender affirming care was discussed because informed consent of medical care with children is a very complex topic that not many adults or parents consider.

This book is incredibly moving, and heartfelt. It will open your eyes in new ways about parenthood and acceptance and loving your children for who they are, not what you, or society, wants them to be. It’s about family, and breaking gender norms, and stereotypes. It’s a fairy tale within a story and how change comes to everyone. We are always in between who we are, and who we’re becoming.

Beautiful. Moving. Heartfelt. Important.

Edited: I just did a reread of this via audiobook. Gabra Zackman gives a sincere performance.

Thank you, NetGalley, for the audiobook in exchange for an honest review.

Laurie Frankel is quickly becoming one of my go to authors and this is only the second book I've read by her. This Is How It Always Is was touching, real, and raw. I loved how the family handled the son wanting to be a girl, and just the parenting style in this book in general. Frankel displayed transgender representation in this novel with such respect and grace--while also including the negative side, the stigma. This book was so easy to listen to! Highly recommend!.

Oh, my heart!

This has been on my book shelf for so long. I’m so annoyed I waited to so long to finally read it.

I could have written this review full quotes from this amazing novel - Frankel’s writing is sublime. Here are two that particularly resonated with me.

“You can’t tell people what to be, I’m afraid,” said Rosie. “You can only love and support who they already are.”

“I wish for my child, for all our children, a world where they can be who they are and become their most loved, blessed, appreciated selves.”

I don’t know that any words I write can do this book justice. I laughed, I cried, I felt.

A most beautiful story about parenting. About emotional growth, about how families and family members deal with gender dysphoria and harmful societal norms that negatively (and cruelly) affect individuals.

It’s a beautifully written book, the audio narration was simply brilliant. I just loved everything about this heartbreaking, yet amazing story. A book I think everyone should read and/or listen to … and one I’ll be thinking of for a long time.

Many thanks to the wonderful team @macmillanaudio for gifting me an ALC 🙏🎧

* This review will be posted to my Instagram account in the near future.

Rosie and Penn are married with five boys, but they have a secret. A secret they don’t know how to keep. They’re not ready to share it, but navigate the ups and downs. This is a story about how children and life are ever evolving.

This is a heavy read/listen for most, I’d say. Heavier if you’re a parent. Topics that deserve attention in today’s society, in my opinion.

Thanks to Net Galley, Laurie Frankel, and Flatiron books for the copy! Published in 2018!