Overall I really enjoyed this story and how mostly supportive the parents were of their gender dysphoric child. I was pretty frustrated that when Poppy was outed there was no discussion about the immense societal pressures that lead people to make the choice to detransition and that lead to trans people dying by suicide. While Poppy had family support, she was still meant to hide who she is from her friends and peers and was bullied and rejected when she was outed. I did appreciate that the nuances of gender affirming care was discussed because informed consent of medical care with children is a very complex topic that not many adults or parents consider.

This book is incredibly moving, and heartfelt. It will open your eyes in new ways about parenthood and acceptance and loving your children for who they are, not what you, or society, wants them to be. It’s about family, and breaking gender norms, and stereotypes. It’s a fairy tale within a story and how change comes to everyone. We are always in between who we are, and who we’re becoming.

Beautiful. Moving. Heartfelt. Important.

Edited: I just did a reread of this via audiobook. Gabra Zackman gives a sincere performance.

Thank you, NetGalley, for the audiobook in exchange for an honest review.

Laurie Frankel is quickly becoming one of my go to authors and this is only the second book I've read by her. This Is How It Always Is was touching, real, and raw. I loved how the family handled the son wanting to be a girl, and just the parenting style in this book in general. Frankel displayed transgender representation in this novel with such respect and grace--while also including the negative side, the stigma. This book was so easy to listen to! Highly recommend!.

Oh, my heart!

This has been on my book shelf for so long. I’m so annoyed I waited to so long to finally read it.

I could have written this review full quotes from this amazing novel - Frankel’s writing is sublime. Here are two that particularly resonated with me.

“You can’t tell people what to be, I’m afraid,” said Rosie. “You can only love and support who they already are.”

“I wish for my child, for all our children, a world where they can be who they are and become their most loved, blessed, appreciated selves.”

I don’t know that any words I write can do this book justice. I laughed, I cried, I felt.

A most beautiful story about parenting. About emotional growth, about how families and family members deal with gender dysphoria and harmful societal norms that negatively (and cruelly) affect individuals.

It’s a beautifully written book, the audio narration was simply brilliant. I just loved everything about this heartbreaking, yet amazing story. A book I think everyone should read and/or listen to … and one I’ll be thinking of for a long time.

Many thanks to the wonderful team @macmillanaudio for gifting me an ALC 🙏🎧

* This review will be posted to my Instagram account in the near future.

Rosie and Penn are married with five boys, but they have a secret. A secret they don’t know how to keep. They’re not ready to share it, but navigate the ups and downs. This is a story about how children and life are ever evolving.

This is a heavy read/listen for most, I’d say. Heavier if you’re a parent. Topics that deserve attention in today’s society, in my opinion.

Thanks to Net Galley, Laurie Frankel, and Flatiron books for the copy! Published in 2018!

This book was amazing. I laughed and I cried. As a parent and an educator, it was a story that I needed to read. I have recommended it to all my close friends and colleagues. The story is full of hope, shame, love, and questions that we as parents may not be able to answer. But it leaves you with hope that no matter what, we are all different. These differences just reveal themselves at different times and different situations.

Rosie and Pen have a big, raucous family. 5 boys.. or is it? When their youngest, Claude, wants nothing more than to be a girl when he grows up, and wear dresses and have princesses in bedtime stories, Rosie and Pen decide to support Claude in becoming Poppy. And Poppy is happy, as are her whole family, until they feel threatened and have to move. In their new homes, while not everyone was happy to move, Poppy thrives, until things come to light and her whole life is turned upside down. How do you parent a child through this tumultuous time with no experience with it whatsoever? How do you keep the whole family together and your marriage strong? Frankel guides this family through and we get to go along for the ride.

This book. This story. These people's lives. An absolutely incredible story that was hard to read at times. These are the types of books that put you in the shoes of someone you would never be otherwise, which benefits all of society. Frankel has great character development and the sometimes switch of character perspective was a good change of pace when needed. Storyline was hard at times, poetic at others. I've never read Frankel before but will be looking into her other stuff! 5 stars

This was such a surprise to me! I can’t believe that I hadn’t picked this one up earlier. Such a relevant topic. I loved the characters. So many heartbreaking moments…I started crying in Lowes so that was embarrassing.

This is about a family with a secret. They try to keep this secret to protect their child but when their secret comes out, they wonder if they were really protecting their child at all. This is a trying and heartbreaking and heartwarming story all wrapped up in one. It deals with transgenderism and gender identity roles in general and how this family navigates these situations. Now I need to pick up everything by Laurie Frankel.

I listened to the audiobook and thought the narrator did an amazing job.

I received this book in exchange for my honest opinion.

Ooof. I had mixed feelings about this one! Let me explain: In the story, Rosie and Penn are parents to 5 kids. They discover that their youngest (AMAB) is trans when she is pretty young. They help her to socially transition, and even move from their small town to a place where she can live authentically while keeping her tran-ness a secret to protect her. This later blows up in their face when classmates discover the truth when Poppy is 10 years old.
My mixed feelings: I loved the dad, Penn. He was gentle and accepting and a genius storyteller. He unconditionally loved all his children. Poppy's brothers' were all wonderful and nuanced (and protective and loving). And although I empathized with Rosie's doubt and worries, her unease bothered me. She kept wishing Poppy would choose the "easier" path of living as a boy. And I cringed every time they deadnamed and misgendered Poppy, even though it was a obvious choice to use it as a way to show the difference between Poppy and "Claude." Why did the author feel the need for Poppy to be seen as two different kids?
The author herself speaks of raising a trans child in real life, so I see where this could be a helpful window to a person who is helping raise a trans, enby, or questioning child. But as a parent of a trans kiddo, I found myself angry, as well. Because it doesn’t need to be some big family crisis. This book was released 7 years ago, and so much has changed in our knowledge of the need for trans-affirming health care for minors since then, so the fact that Rosie, as a medical doctor, is the hesitant parent is infuriating.
Overall, the book certainly preaches love-is-love acceptance, but held so many triggers for me that it was a bit of a wash.
*****
I received this eARC from @netgalley and publisher @macmillan.audio in exchange for an honest review.

I heard a lot about this book and I'm glad I listened to the audio. The book wasn't perfect, and the dialogue was unrealistic, but I really cared about these people by the end. Life is difficult even if you conform and fit in, and Poppy just wanted to be Poppy. It broke my heart to see her struggling even as her parents tried so hard to support her without really knowing how best to.
The narrator was fantastic, with just the right amount of restrained emotion. Thanks so much to NetGalley for letting me listen to this audiobook

Parenting is HARD. Parenting through challenges in a judgmental world can be more intense than you ever imagined. This is a powerful story about parenting, specifically parenting a trans kid. It touches on many of the points seen in mainstream media about the topic and helps the reader to appreciate the difficulty.

"This is how it always is. You have to make these huge decisions on behalf of your kid, this tiny human whose fate and future is entirely in your hands, who trusts you to know what’s good and right and then to be able to make that happen. You never have enough information. You don’t get to see the future. And if you screw up, if with your incomplete, contradictory information you make the wrong call, well, nothing less than your child’s entire future and happiness is at stake. It’s impossible. It’s heartbreaking. It’s maddening. But there’s no alternative.”

As a parent myself, I felt that the uncertainty of the parents portrayed in the book could apply to many aspects of raising kids, though many aren't as sensitive as this one. It was a worthwhile read with many lessons, and I will recommend it to others.

Wow! I had seen this book for quite some time on shelves, so when the opportunity came to listen to it here, I jumped at it. Did I know the subject matter going in? No. Did I mind the mystery of not knowing the premise of the storyline? Also no.

Sometimes you have to jump in, feet first, and experience the twists and turns of a book. Life is much the same. And the subject matter of this book really kept me listening. I absolutely loved the way the author told so many sides. No sugar coating feelings but truly giving a well-rounded viewpoint of how Poppy lived in this world. It also gave insight on her parents and her brothers. The way in which they absorbed then lived with the way their stories would all unfold was something I held on to. But most of all? I loved the fact that it wasn’t an easy answer. Each path had multiple routes and multiple reactions. There’s no definitive path and I think not conforming to expectations of this world is what this books explains. Absolutely well written in so many ways. I loved it. And this was my first book by this author.

This is How it Always Is was an incredibly emotional and story about a family’s love and support for each other. I loved the rawness and the imperfection of the characters throughout the story.

Penn and Rosie are the parents of five boys, or so they thought, until their youngest child Claude says he wants to be a girl. The parents are incredibly supportive and soon, they have a daughter named Poppy. My favorite part of Penn and Rosie’s characters was how honest they felt, and how they weren’t perfect and made mistakes but were able to learn and do better in the future.

There were so many good lessons on parenthood, not just of transgender children, but for parents in general and how to raise your kids to be good people.

The only part about this book that I didn’t like was the trip taken to Thailand at the end - it seemed completely out of place with the rest of the novel and felt unrealistic which made the ending fall a little flat for me.

I listened to this on audiobook and I loved the narrator, Gabra Zackman. I will definitely be looking out for more books narrated by her in the future!

Overall, I really enjoyed the book and would definitely recommend it if you are looking for an emotional, feel-good story with a happy ending.

I received an audiobook from the publisher through NetGalley in exchange for my honest review.

Thank you to Macmillan Audio and NetGalley for a copy of this audiobook in exchange for an honest review.

WOW! How did I not read/listen to this book sooner? What a heart wrenching story about a family and their trials and tribulation with a child who is confused about their gender identity. So many thought provoking points and forward thinking that I could not have imagined. This was truly a touching story that every parent should read.

[Absolutely loved it]

This is such a special read. The writing is incredible and the characters are just perfect, they will stay with me forever. I absolutely loved my reread on audio, the narration was great. Highly recommend checking this one out if you haven’t already.

Thank you to the publisher and @netgalley for providing a free advanced copy of this audiobook in exchange for an honest review.

I originally wrote this review when I read the physical copy of the book in February 2023 (Audiobook review at the bottom):

This Is How It Always Is by Laurie Frankel tells the story of a family who are crazy and special in their own ways, and have one truly exceptional member - the youngest. When parents Penn and Rosie try for their fifth child, they are hoping for their first girl, but we don't always get exactly what we wish for. Claude is the youngest member of the busy household and is the only one who requests princesses in the bedtime stories, bikinis as bathing suits and purses disguised as lunch boxes. Rosie, Penn and all of Claude's siblings wonder and worry at times, but it isn't until Kindergarten when things start to hit a boiling point. Evidently Claude's purse is distracting and the only appropriate bathroom is the one by the nurse's office, and Claude is welcome to change his name and pronouns and wear a dress but otherwise it is just too complicated for Kindergarten. The family somehow navigates this mess together and accepts Claude no matter what he is wearing, things get scary when a playdate at the home of a very homophobic parent turns into harassment and threats of violence, the family decide they are not safe in Wisconsin anymore.

In Seattle the family starts fresh, with Claude registering for school as Poppy, a little girl on the inside and pretty much mostly outside as well. Poppy grows, shines and thrives for four years, meanwhile her brothers struggle a bit in their own ways and Rosie and Penn continue to navigate work and a busy family. When the kids at school finally find out the truth about what is in Poppy's pants, her whole family seem to go crashing down with her, completely at a loss for how to navigate yet another tough situation. In their own ways, each of the family members takes some time to really reflect on what kind of secrets are worth hiding inside, which ones you need to share with the world and which ones are ones you need to protect because they don't belong to you. And sometimes, it takes seeing things in a completely different light to fully understand your own experiences.

This book was SO well written. The author explains in her note at the end that while she does have a child who is transgender, she wrote a fictional story as her daughter's story is not hers to tell. That being said, it was clear that the author had personal experiences with these issues as she handled them so extremely well, even when her characters fumbled. Despite being a story about a big family, all of the characters were very well developed and were quite easy to visualize. It is clear this author has a way of observing human nature and transforming it into writing (much like her character Penn!). I caught glimpses of writing that reminded me of Liane Moriarty who is actually quoted on the front of the book. So if you're a Moriarty fan like me, this might just be the book for you!

Audiobook review:
The narrator was great and the story was as easy to follow as in the written version. people who prefer audiobooks will definitely enjoy this one and it was such a great story that listening to it was a great opportunity to relax and enjoy a good story. Thanks to Netgalley and the publisher for giving me the chance to listen to and review this audiobook!

Sometimes a book just falls into your lap, like the universe knows what you need. I had never heard of this book, and may not have picked it up even if I had. However, it was available to me on NetGalley, so I decided to give it a try.

The narrative style and cadence was captivating. While this story is about a trans child, its really about that child's parents and how they grapple with trying to do right by their child. It's messy and as much as it's full of sadness and missteps, it's also full of so much joy and discovery for the whole family. I think, in some ways, this novel embodies RIng Theory on some level - allowing us to explore and consider and sit with the difficulties of being someone who loves and cares for a trans child, without burdening trans folks or overshadowing their stories. Because the point of Ring Theory is not that people in the outer rings don't have needs, just that those needs shouldn't be dumped on the person in the center.

As I was reading, I started to wonder how the author came to write this story, and I learned that she herself has a trans child, and that she gained notoriety when she started discussing that on the national stage in the 2010s. I appreciate that this story, while fiction, draws from her very real experiences. It does leave me curious about how trans folks - both adults and children - might feel about this story.

I’m glad I came across this book and had the opportunity to read it! It was heartwarming to watch a family try so hard to protect their trans child/sibling. And as a queer person it was affirming to know that even the most loving family can’t protect you from the world, but also that world will always surprise you.

Absolutely BEATIFUL. Loved this book, love the narration, loved the characters. I've been meaning to read this one for a long time, and I'm SO glad I did. It makes you think, makes you laugh, makes you cry. An important story and I'm a better person for having read it.

In a heartwarming tale of love and acceptance, a family grapples with a secret that they never intended to keep. Penn and Rosie, loving parents to five children, find themselves navigating the complexities of their youngest child's identity. Claude, who yearns to be known as Poppy, is a princess and a night fairy at heart. As the family embarks on a journey of self-discovery and acceptance, they face challenges, heartache, and ultimately, find joy in embracing Poppy for who she truly is.

This poignant story beautifully captures the struggles and triumphs of Poppy's fifth-grade year, weaving in elements of fairy tales and social challenges. It highlights the complexities of supporting a queer child and the uncertainties that come with navigating this journey. The author skillfully portrays the family's unwavering love for Poppy while acknowledging the absence of a clear roadmap in such situations.

A progressive book with issues that are not discussed as much as they should be. I think this books is a great start to a more inclusive society and allows the reader to begin to understand the world of LBGTQ. Gender dysmorphia literature is not a genre I have seen much of. Kudos for Laurie Frankel at helping break the barriers placed in front of people.