This book was amazing. I laughed and I cried. As a parent and an educator, it was a story that I needed to read. I have recommended it to all my close friends and colleagues. The story is full of hope, shame, love, and questions that we as parents may not be able to answer. But it leaves you with hope that no matter what, we are all different. These differences just reveal themselves at different times and different situations.

Rosie and Pen have a big, raucous family. 5 boys.. or is it? When their youngest, Claude, wants nothing more than to be a girl when he grows up, and wear dresses and have princesses in bedtime stories, Rosie and Pen decide to support Claude in becoming Poppy. And Poppy is happy, as are her whole family, until they feel threatened and have to move. In their new homes, while not everyone was happy to move, Poppy thrives, until things come to light and her whole life is turned upside down. How do you parent a child through this tumultuous time with no experience with it whatsoever? How do you keep the whole family together and your marriage strong? Frankel guides this family through and we get to go along for the ride.

This book. This story. These people's lives. An absolutely incredible story that was hard to read at times. These are the types of books that put you in the shoes of someone you would never be otherwise, which benefits all of society. Frankel has great character development and the sometimes switch of character perspective was a good change of pace when needed. Storyline was hard at times, poetic at others. I've never read Frankel before but will be looking into her other stuff! 5 stars

This was such a surprise to me! I can’t believe that I hadn’t picked this one up earlier. Such a relevant topic. I loved the characters. So many heartbreaking moments…I started crying in Lowes so that was embarrassing.

This is about a family with a secret. They try to keep this secret to protect their child but when their secret comes out, they wonder if they were really protecting their child at all. This is a trying and heartbreaking and heartwarming story all wrapped up in one. It deals with transgenderism and gender identity roles in general and how this family navigates these situations. Now I need to pick up everything by Laurie Frankel.

I listened to the audiobook and thought the narrator did an amazing job.

I received this book in exchange for my honest opinion.

Ooof. I had mixed feelings about this one! Let me explain: In the story, Rosie and Penn are parents to 5 kids. They discover that their youngest (AMAB) is trans when she is pretty young. They help her to socially transition, and even move from their small town to a place where she can live authentically while keeping her tran-ness a secret to protect her. This later blows up in their face when classmates discover the truth when Poppy is 10 years old.
My mixed feelings: I loved the dad, Penn. He was gentle and accepting and a genius storyteller. He unconditionally loved all his children. Poppy's brothers' were all wonderful and nuanced (and protective and loving). And although I empathized with Rosie's doubt and worries, her unease bothered me. She kept wishing Poppy would choose the "easier" path of living as a boy. And I cringed every time they deadnamed and misgendered Poppy, even though it was a obvious choice to use it as a way to show the difference between Poppy and "Claude." Why did the author feel the need for Poppy to be seen as two different kids?
The author herself speaks of raising a trans child in real life, so I see where this could be a helpful window to a person who is helping raise a trans, enby, or questioning child. But as a parent of a trans kiddo, I found myself angry, as well. Because it doesn’t need to be some big family crisis. This book was released 7 years ago, and so much has changed in our knowledge of the need for trans-affirming health care for minors since then, so the fact that Rosie, as a medical doctor, is the hesitant parent is infuriating.
Overall, the book certainly preaches love-is-love acceptance, but held so many triggers for me that it was a bit of a wash.
*****
I received this eARC from @netgalley and publisher @macmillan.audio in exchange for an honest review.

I heard a lot about this book and I'm glad I listened to the audio. The book wasn't perfect, and the dialogue was unrealistic, but I really cared about these people by the end. Life is difficult even if you conform and fit in, and Poppy just wanted to be Poppy. It broke my heart to see her struggling even as her parents tried so hard to support her without really knowing how best to.
The narrator was fantastic, with just the right amount of restrained emotion. Thanks so much to NetGalley for letting me listen to this audiobook

Parenting is HARD. Parenting through challenges in a judgmental world can be more intense than you ever imagined. This is a powerful story about parenting, specifically parenting a trans kid. It touches on many of the points seen in mainstream media about the topic and helps the reader to appreciate the difficulty.

"This is how it always is. You have to make these huge decisions on behalf of your kid, this tiny human whose fate and future is entirely in your hands, who trusts you to know what’s good and right and then to be able to make that happen. You never have enough information. You don’t get to see the future. And if you screw up, if with your incomplete, contradictory information you make the wrong call, well, nothing less than your child’s entire future and happiness is at stake. It’s impossible. It’s heartbreaking. It’s maddening. But there’s no alternative.”

As a parent myself, I felt that the uncertainty of the parents portrayed in the book could apply to many aspects of raising kids, though many aren't as sensitive as this one. It was a worthwhile read with many lessons, and I will recommend it to others.

Wow! I had seen this book for quite some time on shelves, so when the opportunity came to listen to it here, I jumped at it. Did I know the subject matter going in? No. Did I mind the mystery of not knowing the premise of the storyline? Also no.

Sometimes you have to jump in, feet first, and experience the twists and turns of a book. Life is much the same. And the subject matter of this book really kept me listening. I absolutely loved the way the author told so many sides. No sugar coating feelings but truly giving a well-rounded viewpoint of how Poppy lived in this world. It also gave insight on her parents and her brothers. The way in which they absorbed then lived with the way their stories would all unfold was something I held on to. But most of all? I loved the fact that it wasn’t an easy answer. Each path had multiple routes and multiple reactions. There’s no definitive path and I think not conforming to expectations of this world is what this books explains. Absolutely well written in so many ways. I loved it. And this was my first book by this author.

This is How it Always Is was an incredibly emotional and story about a family’s love and support for each other. I loved the rawness and the imperfection of the characters throughout the story.

Penn and Rosie are the parents of five boys, or so they thought, until their youngest child Claude says he wants to be a girl. The parents are incredibly supportive and soon, they have a daughter named Poppy. My favorite part of Penn and Rosie’s characters was how honest they felt, and how they weren’t perfect and made mistakes but were able to learn and do better in the future.

There were so many good lessons on parenthood, not just of transgender children, but for parents in general and how to raise your kids to be good people.

The only part about this book that I didn’t like was the trip taken to Thailand at the end - it seemed completely out of place with the rest of the novel and felt unrealistic which made the ending fall a little flat for me.

I listened to this on audiobook and I loved the narrator, Gabra Zackman. I will definitely be looking out for more books narrated by her in the future!

Overall, I really enjoyed the book and would definitely recommend it if you are looking for an emotional, feel-good story with a happy ending.

I received an audiobook from the publisher through NetGalley in exchange for my honest review.

Thank you to Macmillan Audio and NetGalley for a copy of this audiobook in exchange for an honest review.

WOW! How did I not read/listen to this book sooner? What a heart wrenching story about a family and their trials and tribulation with a child who is confused about their gender identity. So many thought provoking points and forward thinking that I could not have imagined. This was truly a touching story that every parent should read.

[Absolutely loved it]

This is such a special read. The writing is incredible and the characters are just perfect, they will stay with me forever. I absolutely loved my reread on audio, the narration was great. Highly recommend checking this one out if you haven’t already.

Thank you to the publisher and @netgalley for providing a free advanced copy of this audiobook in exchange for an honest review.

I originally wrote this review when I read the physical copy of the book in February 2023 (Audiobook review at the bottom):

This Is How It Always Is by Laurie Frankel tells the story of a family who are crazy and special in their own ways, and have one truly exceptional member - the youngest. When parents Penn and Rosie try for their fifth child, they are hoping for their first girl, but we don't always get exactly what we wish for. Claude is the youngest member of the busy household and is the only one who requests princesses in the bedtime stories, bikinis as bathing suits and purses disguised as lunch boxes. Rosie, Penn and all of Claude's siblings wonder and worry at times, but it isn't until Kindergarten when things start to hit a boiling point. Evidently Claude's purse is distracting and the only appropriate bathroom is the one by the nurse's office, and Claude is welcome to change his name and pronouns and wear a dress but otherwise it is just too complicated for Kindergarten. The family somehow navigates this mess together and accepts Claude no matter what he is wearing, things get scary when a playdate at the home of a very homophobic parent turns into harassment and threats of violence, the family decide they are not safe in Wisconsin anymore.

In Seattle the family starts fresh, with Claude registering for school as Poppy, a little girl on the inside and pretty much mostly outside as well. Poppy grows, shines and thrives for four years, meanwhile her brothers struggle a bit in their own ways and Rosie and Penn continue to navigate work and a busy family. When the kids at school finally find out the truth about what is in Poppy's pants, her whole family seem to go crashing down with her, completely at a loss for how to navigate yet another tough situation. In their own ways, each of the family members takes some time to really reflect on what kind of secrets are worth hiding inside, which ones you need to share with the world and which ones are ones you need to protect because they don't belong to you. And sometimes, it takes seeing things in a completely different light to fully understand your own experiences.

This book was SO well written. The author explains in her note at the end that while she does have a child who is transgender, she wrote a fictional story as her daughter's story is not hers to tell. That being said, it was clear that the author had personal experiences with these issues as she handled them so extremely well, even when her characters fumbled. Despite being a story about a big family, all of the characters were very well developed and were quite easy to visualize. It is clear this author has a way of observing human nature and transforming it into writing (much like her character Penn!). I caught glimpses of writing that reminded me of Liane Moriarty who is actually quoted on the front of the book. So if you're a Moriarty fan like me, this might just be the book for you!

Audiobook review:
The narrator was great and the story was as easy to follow as in the written version. people who prefer audiobooks will definitely enjoy this one and it was such a great story that listening to it was a great opportunity to relax and enjoy a good story. Thanks to Netgalley and the publisher for giving me the chance to listen to and review this audiobook!

Sometimes a book just falls into your lap, like the universe knows what you need. I had never heard of this book, and may not have picked it up even if I had. However, it was available to me on NetGalley, so I decided to give it a try.

The narrative style and cadence was captivating. While this story is about a trans child, its really about that child's parents and how they grapple with trying to do right by their child. It's messy and as much as it's full of sadness and missteps, it's also full of so much joy and discovery for the whole family. I think, in some ways, this novel embodies RIng Theory on some level - allowing us to explore and consider and sit with the difficulties of being someone who loves and cares for a trans child, without burdening trans folks or overshadowing their stories. Because the point of Ring Theory is not that people in the outer rings don't have needs, just that those needs shouldn't be dumped on the person in the center.

As I was reading, I started to wonder how the author came to write this story, and I learned that she herself has a trans child, and that she gained notoriety when she started discussing that on the national stage in the 2010s. I appreciate that this story, while fiction, draws from her very real experiences. It does leave me curious about how trans folks - both adults and children - might feel about this story.

I’m glad I came across this book and had the opportunity to read it! It was heartwarming to watch a family try so hard to protect their trans child/sibling. And as a queer person it was affirming to know that even the most loving family can’t protect you from the world, but also that world will always surprise you.

Absolutely BEATIFUL. Loved this book, love the narration, loved the characters. I've been meaning to read this one for a long time, and I'm SO glad I did. It makes you think, makes you laugh, makes you cry. An important story and I'm a better person for having read it.

In a heartwarming tale of love and acceptance, a family grapples with a secret that they never intended to keep. Penn and Rosie, loving parents to five children, find themselves navigating the complexities of their youngest child's identity. Claude, who yearns to be known as Poppy, is a princess and a night fairy at heart. As the family embarks on a journey of self-discovery and acceptance, they face challenges, heartache, and ultimately, find joy in embracing Poppy for who she truly is.

This poignant story beautifully captures the struggles and triumphs of Poppy's fifth-grade year, weaving in elements of fairy tales and social challenges. It highlights the complexities of supporting a queer child and the uncertainties that come with navigating this journey. The author skillfully portrays the family's unwavering love for Poppy while acknowledging the absence of a clear roadmap in such situations.

A progressive book with issues that are not discussed as much as they should be. I think this books is a great start to a more inclusive society and allows the reader to begin to understand the world of LBGTQ. Gender dysmorphia literature is not a genre I have seen much of. Kudos for Laurie Frankel at helping break the barriers placed in front of people.

A story full of feelings. I know that many people are going to identify in some way with that plot. Where it teaches us to accept us as we are. And to accept others in the same way.!! Thanks Netgalley for this amazing ARC title

“Is it always “or”?
Is it never “and”?

—STEPHEN SONDHEIM, INTO THE WOODS

Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)

—WALT WHITMAN, “SONG OF MYSELF”

This is how Laurie Frankel starts her novel and this is the whole essence of this book. Its a story about a little boy who wants to grow up and be a little girl. Its about his/her parents who love him/her just as he/she is. About his/her brothers who only cares about his/her happiness. What this book taught me more than anything else is that its time we started thinking about persons instead of their gender. Its equally okay to let a girl wear pants as it is to let boys wear skirts. Clothes and jewelllery do not make your identity. They are just tools to accentuate your uniqueness.
I have always thought that limiting one’s oppurtunities just because of being a girl was unfair but I have never thought of the flip side. A girl wearing pants and being a working mom or doing things only men used to has always been criticised and a lot of discussions have been there regarding womens rights but at the same time the reverse of a boy doing things only a girl used to do has been termed as unacceptable by these same people who raise their voices for equality. It just goes on to show that gender does not make or break a person.
The narration was also lovely imbued with the perfect amount of emotions required to keep the listener hooked
This was such a mindblowingly wonderful and insightful novel that it would be crime if you missed it.

What a beautiful contemporary story. One of my top books this year. My heart is swollen. A rare 5-star

“No one will know who you’re supposed to be.”
“No one ever does.”

A family has a secret, but not one they really want to keep. It’s just never the right time or place. They’re not ashamed of their secret, they love their secret unconditionally. But when does a secret turn into a lie?

Penn and Rosie have five children. They’re incredibly accepting and loving parents to all of them, but their youngest is different. Claude isn’t really Claude. Claude wants to be a princess. Well, Claude is a princess. And a night fairy. Claude is actually Poppy. And when you’re five years old, it’s easy to start out fresh somewhere else where no one ever knew that Claude existed so that Poppy can just be Poppy. But what happens when everyone finds out about Claude?

This book follows the family through Poppy’s fifth grade year. During that, there are fairy tales, social challenges, joy, heartache, and acceptance.

I really enjoyed this book. I went into it not knowing anything about it, but I was delightfully surprised by its premise. It shows that no matter how accepting you are of your queer child, you don’t magically understand which step is the right one to take. There is no real right answer. There are only options.
I’m not sure that using Thailand as a vehicle for finally speaking to a trans adult about Rosie’s trans child was the optimal choice. It didn’t seem like a last minute decision by the author though, at least.
I really wanted to jump into the book and give Poppy a hug. I’m really happy with the ending. It felt like the end of a good 90s/00s live action Disney Channel movie.

I would recommend this book to teachers, mentors, and other adults who regularly interact with children who already have some background knowledge about trans individuals. If you read this with little to no background about trans people, some of the terminology could be overwhelming despite how much the author tries to make it simple to understand.
Thank you to Netgalley for providing me with the audiobook.

Rosie & Penn have the family situation most people dream of. Rosie is a doctor and Penn a writer. Someone is always home with their five kids in a great house in a nice neighborhood. They have friends and family and an easy, relatively uncomplicated life.....until one day the youngest of their boys, Claude, shares that when he grows up, he wants to be a girl. Suddenly, even with the most competent, supportive parents at the helm, life for the whole family becomes a lot less black and white.

I thought this book took a very interesting, grounded approach to what is still a pretty misunderstood topic. I think people tend to believe that there are basically two kinds of parents for trans kids: (1) Those who allow their children to begin to transition (especially this young) are these uber liberal carefree parents who just allow the kids to run with their feelings without boundaries and (2) People who don't support their kids, who tell their kids it's a phase and to get over it, and are just heartless. This book walks right down the line in the middle and demonstrates the struggles that even supportive, well educated, balanced parents can run into. I loved the way the author shared Rosie's back and forth between her opinion as a physician and a parent. I loved the way this was sometimes in opposition to her husband's opinions. I loved that the author did not shy away from the consequences of both allowing Claude to be Poppy and those of allowing him to experience how difficult that can be.

I did find a couple things to be kind of incredulous. For example, I understand where she was going with the Thailand thing but I think there are so many practical issues that would make that next to impossible. I also didn't love that Rosie- for all her attempts to really understand her child- seemed to be very unaware of her own behavior. There were dozens of times during the novel that she has to leave work early, come in late, not come in at all, then take several days off all of a sudden, but then when her boss has a conversation about it she denies it and essentially says she's a model employee. The boss definitely had a couple unreasonable asks, but the point about her attendance was valid and when Rosie flat out denies it, it kind of makes the whole conversation kind of silly when I think the point was probably that it's difficult to balance work life and home life.

Overall, I really enjoyed this one and I think that it would give people so much to think about if they were willing to read it. I would love for this to reach people who maybe aren't super supportive of the trans community but are willing to try to understand. I sincerely believe it would help people understand the day-to-day reality in the way that Amy Ellis Nutt's "Becoming Nicole" does. Highly recommended.