There seems to be no end of discussions regarding “masculinity” and “femininity” in conservative Christendom writ large. It has truly become a major obsession, one much more on account of society and culture than anything coming out of the pages of Scripture. A lot of the arguments tend to center on how much of what we consider gendered characteristics are truly intrinsic to men and women, and how much of them are socially and culturally constructed.

As in all such “nature versus nurture” arguments, the truth of the matter is probably somewhere in-between. But what we all should be able to agree upon is how the construction of masculine sexuality in the modern Western world has been pretty harmful for everyone involved, and it does not have to be this way.

In The Sex Talk You Never Got: Reclaiming the Heart of Masculine Sexuality, Sam Jolman, a “Reformed” Christian and licensed therapist, speaks directly to the hearts of men who have been raised and encultured in modern American sexuality. The message remains consistent for those raised in Christian “purity culture” contexts as well as secular American contexts, because all share in fundamental aspects of misogyny and often distorted pictures of what sexuality should look like for men. He wants to give them the “sex talk” they never received, attempting to find a healthier way forward.

The author speaks of healthy male sexuality as finding awe, wonder, and joy in sexual desire, romance, and sexual union. He forthrightly addresses how shame enters a man’s sexual story, and all too often some kind of sexual abuse as well. He frankly and forthrightly testifies to the misogyny which pervades American masculine perspectives on sexuality, a misogyny almost all American men have absorbed, even if unconsciously, and abundantly manifest in the prevalence of and themes within pornography. He frames this misogyny in terms of contempt, as pointed toward others, even those whom we love, and of course even ourselves.

But he does not just wallow in the problems. He provides a healthy way forward, attested to in terms of both what the Scriptures would make known as well as insights from the world of therapy. He encourages men to seek again a restored innocence and to cultivate the lover within. He encourages men to live within the body and to restore our often broken mind-body connections. He encourages healthy forms of regulating bodily impulses and desires.

Something the author highlights in terms of self-regulation and self-soothing is worth addressing quite explicitly. So many times pornography is discussed in terms of its sexual content and as a form of sexually deviant behavior and as if a man turns to pornography because of a lack of sexual satisfaction in a relationship. The author confesses his own experiences with pornography and also provides a more accurate explanation about why so many men turn to pornography in various circumstances: it is not nearly as much about the sex as it is about the ability to “see” and “consume” the objectified bodies as a way of reinforcing a form of superiority and projecting a kind of contempt on the women, for certain, but also as a form of self-soothing and in order to get a hit of dopamine. This kind of explanation is not designed to minimize the dangers of pornography or its deleterious effects on relationships: instead, it is offered to provide men with a way forward in terms of avoiding it. As long as men are not given the space and tools to regulate their mental, emotional, and physical conditions, and can find healthier ways to self-soothe, they will all the more easily keep falling prey to the temptation to look at pornography. When a man is better able to regulate and self-soothe, the temptation proves less strong. This is not just about pornography; men also often turn to sexual intimacy for self-soothing. This may not be the end of the world on occasion, but as a habit will not work constructively to cultivate relational unity between a man and his wife. In truth, a lot of the difficulty of male sexuality comes from the mental, emotional, and sexual traumas and wounds men have suffered in their youth and as they have grown up. In society and culture men have historically been expected to stuff and suppress, and it is no wonder this has led to all kinds of unhealthy coping behaviors.

Jolman would also have men maintain their separateness in order to share more fully in relational unity, restore their capacity for wonder, and revel in real play in romance and sexuality, not the vicarious version we get as spectators of others.

Do not get too put off by the fact John Eldredge wrote the introduction to this book; the author owes a lot to him, and associating Eldredge with the book will hopefully mean more Christian men might take it seriously than they might otherwise. The author definitely shows his Reformed colors when talking about corruption and sin. Yet the author bridges the worlds of Christian witness and mental health and therapy well. He has worked in consultation with Sheila Wray Gregoire and all of her research into Christian women and their sexuality. This book is not the production of a young, restless, Reformed theobro thumping his chest and glorifying a John Wayne-esque masculinity. This is not an affirmation of “purity culture.” The author by no means blames women or holds women at all responsible; and, as indicated, he is willing to confess and call out the base level of misogyny which all American men are raised in and exposed to no matter how much feminist influence has shaped them.

Instead, this is a highly compelling and important exposition on how men are wounded and greatly harmed in American masculine culture regarding sexuality, and how those men can find healing and wholeness in their sexuality and its expression. To this end I highly, highly recommend this book to both men and women: for men, as a way to give voice to the conflict and struggles you have endured; for women, as a way to better understand the men in your life whom you love.

Now, “men” and “women” are used advisedly; this is probably not a book you want to give to a teenager. But hopefully, in absorbing the messages in this book, you will help heal generational traumas so that your sons and daughters may be able to deal with other struggles instead.

3.5 stars. There are some really good parts of this book. The author wants to be very kind, and he is. I guess you're not going to change people by yelling at them or telling them that they're wrong. It just felt a little...i don't know. Too emotional? Too touchy-feely?

The author is a Christian but doesn't quite talk about faith entirely - does it shape his worldview? Yes, I think so, but he circumvents it at times.

It's not a home run, but it's a good attempt.

Wow! Phenomenal book! I was only halfway through it when I preordered it so I could read it again and digest it a little more once it came out. This is the book every man needs to read. It is compassionate while not pulling any punches. It tenderly addresses the heart of every man while also calling men to courageously step out to be who they were meant to be. I will gladly be sharing this title with anyone who will listen to me!

"The Sex Talk You Never Got" by Sam Jolman, is an eye-opening and deeply insightful book that I wish I had as a young adult. Jolman masterfully bridges the gap between what society tells us about male sexuality and the authentic, often neglected realities. Through personal stories and expert psychological insights, he offers a compassionate guide to understanding and embracing one’s sexual identity. This book provides much-needed clarity and encouragement, fostering a healthier and more empathetic conversation about male sexuality. It’s a must-read for anyone looking to reclaim the heart of their sexual self. Loved it!

This book belongs aside Jay Stringer's <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/39987490-unwanted">Unwanted</a> and Zachary Wagner's <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/121103516-non-toxic-masculinity">Non-Toxic Masculinity</a> as refreshing new books on a Christian pyschology/spirituality of masculine sexuality in a post-#MeToo, post-purity culture milieu. In this book, we see the insightful and attentive tenderness of Jolman as Christian counselor, seeking to walk with men in a self-discovery of oft-silenced sexuality.

His portrayal of the "madness of being oversexualized yet sexually undernurtured" through examples and stories helps to realize the depth to which our stories of shame have shaped our actions in the world. He shines light into the ways contempt and envy lead to perceiving sexual pleasure as a drive rather than a desire, and how this destroys the essence of healthy sexuality. Jolman's is a call to playfulness, to awe, to seeing beauty, to innocence, to kindness.

I was a bit surprised by some of his language at first ("get laid", "being a dick", "bullshit"), but I think it works with his (probably mostly millenial) audience. It took him awhile to gain my trust, and the first half of the conclusion seemed especially weak, but the book is definitely worth a read for guys wanting to think more deeply about living fully into God's goodness. It went straight into my best reads of 2024 list.

Jolman's approach to sexual purity is especially refreshing in a culture that seems to find no meaning in the act of sex or in sexual relationships. He frequently discusses and attempts to redefine the concept of beauty from a Christian perspective. If we are unable to experience beauty and awe in our lives, then we are unlikely to experience a fulfilling sex life with our spouse or view the opposite sex in a way that is appropriate and pure.

I thought this was a good synthesis of John Eldredge's view of masculinity and Sheila Wray Gregoire's view of healthy sexuality, two things which don't frequently overlap.

Awkward. Secretive. Hard to understand. These are ways that Christians, including myself might describe their conversations on important sexual topics. But author Sam Jolman is hoping to change the way we think about and interact with our sexuality in his new book "The Sex Talk You Never Got."

Written from the author's perspective as a therapist, Jolman unpacks some of the most sensitive sexual problems faced by Christians to provide us with the "sex talk" that we never received from our parents. Jolman is engaging and provides numerous examples to illustrate important concepts like beauty, awe, and purity. The book is written to be approachable rather than condemning, focusing on the root of sexual sins and how to receive forgiveness rather than simply providing a practical layer of advice that would serve to cover our problems.

Jolman's approach to sexual purity is especially refreshing in a culture that seems to find no meaning in the act of sex or in sexual relationships. He frequently discusses and attempts to redefine the concept of beauty from a Christian perspective. If we are unable to experience beauty and awe in our lives, then we are unlikely to experience a fulfilling sex life with our spouse or view the opposite sex in a way that is appropriate and pure.

While I do not have many criticisms of the book, the complex nature of the subject would be best served to have a richer diversity of sources, as a few authors tend to be quoted quite frequently as one gets deeper into the book. I also believe that profanity used by the author was unnecessary and distracting. In addition to these aforementioned academic criticisms, a more detailed section on how a struggling Christian could receive therapy or counseling might be helpful and relevant to laying the groundwork to sexual purity.

Reading this book provided me with a sense of hope that God truly could speak into my life and overcome areas of pain, guilt, and difficulty related to sexuality that have been hard for me to deal with. Approaching one's sexuality -- and life as a whole -- with a greater sense of awe and beauty is a worthwhile goal that brings us closer to God and enhances an authentic masculinity truly needed in men today.