He begins the book by sharing an example of how a local police department received a call about how a man’s brother had been missing since January. The vehicle was discovered 6 months later in the parking lot at a major store. In the trash and his personal items, they found his decomposed body. He struggled with depression, loneliness, and addiction. The store is right across from the police station and they never noticed. No had reported him missing for 6 months. The vehicle was there for 170 days. He used this example to covey how men tend to struggle with mental issues and they don’t like to talk to about it.


He shared how masculinity has changed over the years. In the last 150 years, the focus has been on making money and chasing after wealth. Men used to be measured on their farming skills and then industrialization confused men how to be involved as fathers. Men are now measured by their professional achievements. He looked at how men express their loneliness differently than women do and how it can cause men to become more aggressive. He explored how men also go after the idea of the perfect workout body. Instead, we need to become body awareness and we must realize this is a part of our mental awareness. Men tend to avoid going to the doctor until there is a major health issue. He explained how avoided his own health until he had a tore vertebral artery and a stroke that almost ended his life. It took almost 6 months for him to regain fully his strength. This caused him to ask himself what he was running from.


One of the most heartbreaking stories he revealed was about Sammy. He lost his own dad at age 16 years old when his dad walked to his mailbox. He was shot in the chest and killed by his neighbor. His dad confronted his neighbor when he was yelling at his wife and children. He would threaten them and his dad would even call the police on him. This led to Sammy dealing with emotional trauma and he would feel angry about people being bullied at work or even socially and this was causing problems in his engagement. The author was trying to help him in counseling. This story was just one of the powerful stories in this book.

I would recommend this life changing book to anyone who is seeking a book on masculinity. I liked how he wasn’t afraid to discuss sexuality, angry, shame, and much more. He was very knowledge in studying the issues men face and how they have involved and changed over time. I liked how included true and false type questions and the answers with a detail explanation. He enclosed helpful questions readers could answer. This is one of the best books I have read about the issues men face and how to work through the process.




“I received this book free from Globe Pequot for my honest review.”

A lot of the time we recommend books based on their similarity to other titles. What I enjoyed about this book is that it stands alone in its own category of tending to healthier masculinity. It reviews coping skills, interpersonal relationships, challenges that men face today, and importantly, the reckoning that many men are coming to terms with regarding their toxic behaviours (many of which have been at the heart of the #metoo movement). Each chapter takes on a different topic but beyond topical points of interest, the contents of the book are powerful. While reading I found myself making detailed notes to return to, while highlighting the e-version a great deal. Society has rewarded men for adhering to a status quo that benefits them in an outsized manner when compared to others on gender identity spectrums. The book doesn't just speak to straight people, but includes discussions that may be relevant for gay men as well.

The book's strength is in its practical applicability, where someone could pick up the book, select a relevant chapter and find at least one actionable tip or signpost. My favorite chapters about emotional intelligence and the power of self-regulation therein. It is easy to think about emotions in terms of either not having them (or addressing them), or feeling that they're a problem for folks to solve rather than a gift with information that helps make informed decisions and connections. In fact, society might even reward men for seeing their emotions this way amidst "hustle culture" and still gendered expectations we haven't wrest ourselves of. The final chapters of the book had me wishing I owned a copy for my bookshelf, not just one for my preview ahead of its publication.

This was a frustrating read.

I should note that I'm clearly not the target audience: Poulter writes directly to a cis male reader with a certain perspective on the world ... or whom others have deemed the most problematic of men.

I'm left with the sense that Poulter wanted his cake and to eat it, too. On the one hand, he covers a lot of material I can get behind most of it when it comes to tackling toxic forms of masculinity. "True masculinity is showing love, showing compassion, showing all these things that are traditionally not spoken of as masculinity," for instance. At the same time, he goes to extremes to bemoan the backlash against the "modern" man, in which he includes cancel culture ("I'm so pissed off at this cancel culture," he writes, going on to claim that "[boys] are getting unfair treatment and shamed for being male at school" ... oh really?), the destruction of masculinity, the "toxic" label, "male bashing," and so on. He even starts the book off with a quote from a "mother, wife, and daughter who cherishes the men in her life" and despises "this negative notion that men are 'toxic' or 'aggressive'" ... such contradictions abound. I'm guessing his aim was to hoodwink the toxic man into drinking the Kool-Aid.

Poulter also frames his ideal form/s of masculinity in many different ways. We have the characterization I quoted above. We have the "four foundational aspects of being a man," which are "compassion, empathy, enthusiasm, and mentorship." We end with the "five F-bombs" (no joke), which comprise family, finances, friends, future, and forgiveness. The "balanced" masculinity that Poulter aches for toxic men to take on is rather multifarious.

Poulter also has a deeply binary and sexist view of gender, even while he acknowledges queer relationships for his men. This latter bit puzzled me, given the intended readership and how most of them view homosexuality. Anyways, men have masculine and feminine parts, he claims. Yup: that old "getting in touch with your feminine side" whimsy. When he covers attachment theory, it's all about the mother. Again, I feel confused about his ultimate goal here. He may wish to get men on board with his "balanced" masculinity, but will bold claims and exclamation marks (many sentences! end like! this!) win these men over and help them escape their inner "man caves"? I suppose only time will tell ... I look forward to checking in about how this work gets reviewed.