Not for the faint-hearted, and I can quite see why some readers have hated it. But I found it strangely – and disturbingly – compelling as we watch a toxic relationship between Ida, a writer, and Arnold, a professor, ascend to the heights and descend into madness. A story of obsession and gaslighting, too much alcohol and co-dependency, and very little about love, even though the two constantly refer to their great and overwhelming love. Reading the book is like watching a car crash in slow motion. You want to step in and halt it, but instead have to continue watching the relationship implode. The affair is described in granular detail and the reader is forced to wince at many of the scenes. And yet I couldn’t stop myself being totally drawn into what must be the worst self-destructive relationship imaginable. Formidable writing transcends the deeply troubling narrative.

I am so thankful to Verso Books, Vigdis Hjorth, and Netgalley for granting me advanced access to this galley before publication day. I really enjoyed the dialogue and plot of this book and can’t wait to chat this one up with my friends!

I loved this book and was enthralled with the writing. I loved the character study. Would read more from the author!

This book dives into a chaotic, toxic relationship, packed with jealousy, madness, and violence. The author takes you deep into the darkness, and I couldn't stop reading. The tone is sharp and a bit sarcastic, but the writing tends to repeat itself and feels longer than it needs to be. It highlights how love and reality clash, and how messed up people drag each other down. You can't help but wonder—why can’t they heal each other instead? And why does alcohol seem to help so much?

This was fine but not really what I was in the mood.for at the time. But the cover is super cool and I do love that.

One of the great things about book prizes is that they can highlight authors’ work that you may not otherwise have come across. That was exactly what happened for me when the International Booker longlisted Norwegian writer Vigdis Hjorth’s Is Mother Dead? in 2023.

I didn’t get on with Is Mother Dead? at first but I stuck with it and when it clicked, I was all in. It prompted me to seek out Will and Testament, the book which caused the rift in Hjorth’s family that led to her writing Is Mother Dead? I listened to it on audio which I highly recommend. found both of these books to be suffocating reads, locked inside someone’s tortured mind. Hjorth’s skill at creating this feeling and Barslund’s translation had me marveling at the way the prose pulled me in and would not let me go.

So, when I saw that Hjorth’s 2001 book If Only was coming out in translation (by Barslund again), I knew I had to read it. It didn’t disappoint.

In If Only, we meet Ida, married with two children, she’s living an uneventful life until she meets Arnold. She’s immediately drawn to this older married man to the point of obsession. He initially seems to be more ambivalent or at least more in control, but eventually, they’re both swirling around each other in an intense, physical relationship.

As is perhaps unsurprising, the path from infatuation to obsession often leads to a bad third place, toxicity, a destination filled with deceit, gaslighting, and violence. As a reader, it feels much like listening to a friend or coworker describing a bad relationship with issues that they themselves are blind to but that you can easily see from the outside looking in. I found myself compulsively following along, but also needing to take breaks.

Even though the original book is over twenty years old, you can see the germ of the kind of writing in Hjorth’s more recent works Will and Testament and Is Mother Dead? While fairly conventional at the beginning, as we hurtle recklessly towards the end of If Only, the prose gets looser, less conventional and, to my mind, more interesting.

Hjorth can write a hurt, damaged heart and mind so well. Claustrophobic, intense, and at times difficult, If Only is a powerful warning about how unequal and unhealthy relationships can turn toxic and abusive. This topic never makes for enjoyable reading but, as with Jenny Erpenbeck’s International Booker winner Kairos, Hjorth’s skill carries the reader through. It will be interesting to see whether If Only makes the International Booker longlist in March.

This book was too much for me, it was extremely hard to get through and finish it, and the ending was not even worth it. The main character is creepy and obsessed, she was too much. The book was far too repetitive for my taste, it was making me angry having the same things happen over and over and over.

Thank you to NetGalley, the author, and the publisher for this complimentary ARC in exchange for an honest review!!

I unfortunately honestly could not stomach this one. Came for the Annie Ernaux comparison, left after about 200 pages of vague repetition.

Ida has found her true love—if only Arnold would realize it. She writes letters and makes phone calls, and they meet up to have sex and drink beer, and then she goes back to her husband and he goes back to his wife and she writes more letters and makes more phone calls and dreams of the dizzying possibility of being with Arnold forever. She can't sleep can't eat can't stop talking about Arnold can't understand why he pushes her away can't imagine a life without him.

And then the relationship changes, and things get interesting.

It took me far longer than I expected to read the first half or so of the book—Ida's obsession and desperation are hard to bear. She is so ready to throw away almost everything in her life; not her children, perhaps, but they are relegated to "the children" throughout the book, with no need for names or personalities or dialogue. It is Arnold, Arnold, always Arnold.

When the dynamics shift, we see even more how...well...worthless Arnold is. Boorish and beery, paranoid and jealous and self-centered. Ida sees this too, sometimes; she mollifies and apologizes and changes her behavior and loses sleep and says "yes, yes, yes". She forgets what "no" is, forgets that she once had worth outside this obsessive, codependent, toxic spiral the two of them find themselves in. (Part of me thinks "get out, get out, good grief, Ida, take a look around you" and part of me thinks "well, they deserve each other". Mostly the former, to be fair, but the latter is persistent.)

It's not a pleasant read, and frankly I understand why reviews are so polarized—their dysfunction goes on and on, always unraveling but never quite far enough for respite. I ultimately decided to find it fascinating in that can't-look-away kind of way, but you absolutely have to be in the frame of mind to read about a toxic relationship (one reason it took me so long to finish the book) to find satisfaction here. I'm curious to know what Norwegian critics made of the book when it was first released in 2001.

Thanks to the author and publisher for providing a review copy through NetGalley.

This was a DNF for me and God help me I really tried. I got past the 100 page mark but after the narrator started her obsession again I just couldn't take 200 more pages of this.

There clearly is an audience for books like this. Reminds me of the work of other great writers like Days of Abandonment or Simple Passion but I just do not care for books about women losing their minds over men they don't even really seem to like or care about.

If Only was originally published in Norwegian in 2001, but it could have just as easily been written this year. The themes that Hjorth tackles feel just as relevant today as they were 23 years ago.

In If Only, we are introduced to the toxic relationship between Ida, a writer of radio plays, and Arnold, a German professor. What starts as a a one-sided obsession evolves into a full-blown affair and then terrible relationship. Just when you think it could not get much worse, it does. And then it does again. Honestly, both of these characters are terrible. You are meant to feel for Ida, but it is hard to empathize with her as she continues to make one bad choice after another.

This book is not for the faint of heart. If the toxic relationship in Jenny Erpenbeck's Kairos was hard for you to read, I'd stay away from this one... Compared to Ernaux's A Simple Passion (which I coincidentally read shortly before picking up If Only), this book takes toxicity to the extreme.

And yet...I really enjoyed this book, though "enjoyed" is maybe not quite the word. I was drawn into Ida and Arnold's orbit and couldn't look away even as their relationship became more and more upsetting. The book goes on a little too long and it becomes exhausting after awhile. But Hjorth, translated by Charlotte Barslund, has a keen eye and way of writing about this couple kept me coming back. One of my favorite parts of the novel was her use of repetitions, sometimes events, sometimes phrases. They upend you, make you pause and ask "didn't I already read this?" and perfectly reflect the back and forth of Arnold and Ida's relationship. That said, I'll admit that I sped through the last 10% of the book because I honestly just needed them to be done and gone.

In sum, this is a difficult book and one I wouldn't recommend to everyone. But, if you liked books like Kairos and Liars by Sarah Manguso (and of course Ernaux), I'd add this to your list.

If only by Vigdis Hjorth is the story of women desperate for love.
This womens obsession over one man was disturbing. He treated her so badly I questioned if he actually enjoyed her madness.
This was my first Vigdis Hjorth novel and something must have been lost in translation because this was just ok. On to the next one!

After reading the blurb, I knew that this book was going to be for me. It’s weird it’s real and it’s messy and slightly unhinged. Everything that I love in a good literary fiction book. Thank you for the opportunity to review early will be singing from the rooftops about this book.

If Only follows the story of Ida, a writer, and Arnold, a professor of German, and their twisted, obsessive love story, starting while they were both married to other people. A brief fling at a conference leads to a years-long tumultuous and often abusive relationship, spanning their hometowns, and travels around.

This is a beautifully written and translated, if exceptionally frustrating, book. Which I realize is the point, and Hjorth portrays a toxic relationship with great accuracy, but the repetitive nature of their fights, the cheating, and then passionately declaring love for one another is grating. This is a story of anger and imbalance of power, as well as wanting something that’s terrible for you, which it successfully does, but it could have cut out a few loops of the cycle and still been effective.

I’ve read all of the translations of Hjorth’s novels that Verso has published, and she’s an author whose new releases I always anticipate. It was interesting to read this, one of her older novels, having read more recent works previously. The subject matter was quite different from the others, but the feeling of reading it really reminded me of Is Mother Dead - the sense of claustrophobia inhabiting the mind of someone so obsessive and bent on self-destruction. It’s really well done - the details and specificities of this relationship make it feel tangible, like a living nightmare. I think Is Mother Dead made more interesting interventions (thinking through duty and family, the role of art, and maintaining appearances), whereas I’m not sure I found new insights on marriage, relationships, or gender roles in this one. It’s a difficult and often frustrating read, as it requires the reader to bear witness to a woman persistently making very bad choices, but Hjorth’s angry prose style and mastery of psychological tension elevates it.

If Only, originally published in 2001 and only now translated into english by Charlotte Barslund is less a book I read and more an exercise in endurance I didn’t realize I had signed up for. Hjorth drops hints very early on, tiny red flags for me to collect over and over until my hands are not enough and I drop all the red flags and reach sobbing into my back pocket to wave a tiny white flag of surrender. The novel centers around Ida and Arnold, told from Ida’s perspective. Ida is in her 20s and spends two decades of her life obsessing over Arnold and his various needs and demands. There is a very telling line at the beginning of the novel, where Ida sits watching her younger self at a train station. She says, “I, your mature self, was many years away. At a railway station twenty years too late.” There are a few moments like this scattered throughout the book, moments where Ida speaks to the realization of a deeply suppressed common sense and sense of self. Hjorth writes in cyclical patterns figuratively and literally. Fights happen over and over again with small details changed, names changed, locations changed but they’re still happening over and over. The more Ida loses herself in her relationship -- or rather loses herself in relation to Arnold, the more she repeats statements over and over. It is as if the repetition of the various injuries and humiliations he has caused will finally cause her to leave. It never happens. Or rather, it happens very slowly. While reading If Only I kept asking myself why am I still reading this? I think a big part of it is that I’d never read a book about this sort of unraveling before, the only one that comes to mind as similar is Fates and Furies by Lauren Groff. If Only is deeply unsettling, depressing, and enraging but also groundbreaking in the way that only the best novels are: Hjorth manages to excavate the ugliness of human experience without flinching while focusing on two deeply unlikeable and selfish people. Arnold, the balding professor who sleeps with his younger students and thinks his genius should be world renowned; and Ida, the imperfect victim who all but abandons her children, friends, and family to live two decades literally on her knees for Arnold. If Only is an emotionally excruciating read to get through. There were many points where I became physically nauseous and filled with the bile I had just read. But as Hjorth writes, nearing the end of this saga: I can’t do this anymore, she thinks. It has to end, she thinks. It can’t go on, I can’t live the rest of my life like this, she thinks. She thinks and she’s right. It ends.

Could not relate to these dislikeable characters and hated the stuttered, alternately diving deep then skimming the shallow waters prose. Seemed to be rushed but could sense there wasn't going to be much development as the novel works its course. Not for me - DNF'd at 6%.
This honest review is given with thanks to NetGalley and the publisher for this book.

DNF at 15%

The writing style and tone is just not for me. Looking at other review, it doesn't seem like either will change if given more time so I am choosing to move on.

Whew!!!
….Catching my breath….
….This incredibly well written story exhausted and depleted my reserves….

“If Only” by Vigdis Hjorth, Norwegian author, has written a sensational ‘nails-on-a-chalkboard’ novel that is so provocative….(causing or eliciting a strong or passionate reaction) ….
of a story where readers will either react with a fight or flight response to the sensory
stimuli — similar to anxiety disorders ….
Some readers won’t make it to the end — they’ll bolt if the repetitive emotional pain, lust, love, obsession, intrigue, annoyance, intensity, becomes too exasperating, and just plain maddening!

That said…. I not only finished this novel (taking the endurance challenge)….but I also gave up primetime sleep to do so.

Like a devastating car crash that one can’t stop looking at …. (just a bit longer) …. “If Only” …. in all it’s obsessive, arousing, titillating, salacious, zestfulness …..
It’s also a story about a woman and man …. who are both ….
kinda….
bananas!
They both have a few screws loose…
However … the author does a brilliant job examining obsessive love fixation.
This ‘in-your-face’ novel isn’t a comfy read by any means …. but its writing is honest… leaving me with great respect for Vigdis Hjorth.
Hjorth’s talent is off-the-chart brilliant, creative, imaginative, and astute > at the highest level.

A few excerpts…
“You can be aware of your capacity for love before you meet your beloved. Sense your potential for passion before you experience passion itself”.

“She smiles and drinks her wine and he sits down next to her on the sofa and again he touches her cheek and then he kisses her. They undress, they have sex. He comes. He rolls onto his side and smiles:
I need a break, he says. They drink more wine. He calls her Kjersti once, but it doesn’t matter. He laughs as he says: You’re not supposed to do that, are you? He asks about her husband, about her marriage, she is honest. She is heading for a divorce. He for his part, says: I can’t handle another breakup”.

“If only it could have stayed this way. If only the state could be frozen and preserved forever, if only she could’ve gone through her life consumed by this imagined, love and then met him twenty years later”.

With great esteem, respect, admiration for such unique skills….I rate this book the full 5 stars!

P. S. The book cover is awesome!!!!

If Ernaux wrote Ferrante’s The Days of Abandonment on speed.

Hjorth lets intrusive thoughts win over female rage and depressed woman moving to create a desire-driven novel of fever dream questions that pulverize mental stability into insecure drivel that somehow forms a song so violent all you want is out of the novel.

My issue with Hjorth’s work is how cyclical her prose and themes move. Her thoughts and sentences chase each other in a dizzying whirlwind that it’s almost like getting a migraine from overthinking.

I’ve always been one for feel-bad books and this tops my feel-bad book of the year. It’s tough and no fun to get through, hitting a rush of relief by the end that it stuck the landing, stuck with me, and still, I am exhausted.

I don’t think I’ll recover because I’ve been here before. Imagine losing your first love, but it echoes in auditorium-eternity that it’s stitched into your DNA. It’s EHS with the pain. It’s the loss of losses, love at first loss.