It Gets Better... Except When It Gets Worse is the memoir of Nicole Maines, a transgender woman, activist, and actress.

Nicole has known she was a girl since she was a toddler. In fifth grade, she and her parents sued her school district for not allowing her to use the correct bathroom, which ultimately went to the state Supreme Court becoming a landmark case for the country. She also is known for playing Nia Nal on the TV show Supergirl, the first openly canonical trans superhero on TV.

I hadn't heard of Nicole Maines before reading this book but really enjoyed getting to know her. She has an irreverent sense of humor that did really come across in the book. I think it's so important to read and elevate books by trans authors and to tell trans stories, because no one person has the same experience as anyone else, but there's such power to be found in representation.

The reason this book wasn't 5 stars for me was because I did feel like it lacked a cohesive narrative arc and at times it felt like it was a collection of mini essays, while at other times it felt more like an autobiography.

However, I learned a lot - I also suspect this would be a very entertaining listen on audio, given the author's voice that comes through in her writing style.

3.5⭐️ I didn’t know who Nicole Maines was, but I was sent this memoir and it seemed interesting.

In this book, Maines details the hurdles she (and her family) had to go through when she came out as trans and where she is today.

I enjoyed the book for the most part, because I was curious about her story. What made me give it a lower rating is that it sometimes became repetitive and also since I’ve never seen any of her work I sometimes felt a bit lost.

Overall, a good book. I’m glad I read it.

Nicole Maines as Nia Nal/Dreamer in Supergirl was a revelation in more ways than one, and I have loved following her on Twitter even as that site slides deeper into the abyss. So when I heard she had a memoir, It Gets Better … Except When It Gets Worse, coming out, of course I needed to read it. Thanks to NetGalley and publisher Dial Press for the eARC.

As the introduction establishes, this is Maines’s story, on her terms and in her (ghostwritten) words. Her story had previously been told by Amy Ellis Nutt in Becoming Nicole, which I haven’t read. Maines doesn’t criticize Nutt or that book too much, simply remarking—correctly—that its perspective is different from her own. It Gets Better … Except When It Gets Worse is raw and unvarnished. In sharing her life up to this point, her ambivalence about being thrust into activism amid pursuing her acting, Maines also takes aim at the expectations we (fans, especially queer fans) put on actors and high-profile activists. In a world where we are eternally expecting inspiration porn, Maines steadfastly refuses to give us our fix. Respect.

The first few chapters are achingly familiar to anyone who has read other trans memoirs: Maines realizing she is a girl at a very young age, her parents grappling with this understanding and its implications not only for her but for her twin brother and their entire family. Fortunately, her parents (particularly her mom, from the beginning) are supportive, fighting for Maines’s rights at school—her first brush with fame was as a plaintiff in a case against a Maine school board over bathroom rights—and even moving to send her to a more inclusive school. The fact that Maines’s childhood experience of transition was so tumultuous in spite of continual parental support only serves to highlight how truly awful it must be for trans kids with less supportive families.

Maines came of age in an interesting time for trans rights, as she herself notes in these chapters. In the beginning her mom really has to search even for the vocabulary to describe what Maines is going through, but by the time Maines is graduating high school, transgender has become a household term. It feels like in the last ten years we’ve gone through this whirlwind of rising awareness, tentative acceptance, and now pernicious backlash, and you feel it reading this book. After fighting for her rights in childhood, Maines’s frustration being right back at square one in her adulthood comes across so strongly here.

The most interesting parts of the book for me were towards the end, as Maines discusses breaking into acting and eventually being cast in Supergirl. I didn’t really know much about how she got into acting. She just showed up one day on my TV, a trans actor playing a trans character, and stole my heart. Nia Nal’s evolution on screen, including the trans rights storylines the show played out, were pivotal in helping me understand and accept I am trans; I literally named myself Kara after the show’s main character (I was well chuffed to learn from this book that Maines did something similar in naming herself after a Zoey 101 character).

It isn’t surprising to hear, in her own words, that Maines struggled with imposter syndrome, etc., while she started acting on the show. I applaud her for being honest about it—there are echoes here of what I read in Anna Kendrick’s memoir this summer. Acting is a far more demanding and destabilizing profession than we often know, and social media and celebrity culture has warped our understanding of what the life of the average actor is like. And this is where It Gets Better … Except When It Gets Worse truly gets interesting.

Maines minces no words in her criticism of the toxic segments of Supergirl fandom: specifically, some shippers who take their OTPs way too seriously. She doesn’t play favourites—from Karamel to Supercorp (the latter being my ship, if I have to pick one, but I am actually kind of happy Kara is alone at the end of the series), each ship has a small but vocal contingent who attacked the cast and crew any time the show didn’t seem to be going their way. I remember this well, even if I was always on the outskirts because I don’t venture places like AO3. The Supergirl hashtags were a good place for community for me on Twitter back in those days, especially around conversation about queerness and queer representation—so it sucks that some fans took things way too far.

But Maines goes even further. On the topic of Dreamer, the original character designed for her, whom she has ported over into the comics and been writing for the past few years, Maines confesses to some frustration with how Dreamer was developed on the show. She wanted a darker, edgier character—and is realizing this in her comic stories (which I haven’t and probably won’t read). For example, there is a notable episode where Dreamer has to take on an anti-trans villain. She nearly kills him, which would be against Supergirl’s code, of course. Maines is like, “Dreamer should have killed him! It makes sense.” And, like, I won’t pretend to agree with that because I happen to like the squeaky-clean approach to justice the CW Supergirl took, in contrast to something like Arrow.

But I love it for Nicole. I love that she sat down to write this book and said, “Fuck being the good girl, the politic one, the nice trans woman. Fuck being inspirational, feel-good, or positive. Things suck right now, and I want to tell everyone why they suck, and I don’t want to pretend I don’t want to be out for blood.” Maines makes it clear: she wants the freedom to be messy. Some of y’all (especially white cis people) might not realize how subversive this is, but anyone belonging to an underrepresented group in media gets it: the pressure to be well behaved, to be “good,” can be overwhelming at times.

I respect this. We want to lionize people, call them trailblazers, simply for existing—or fighting for the barest sliver of human dignity. I want to call Maines inspirational. I feel an affinity for her, even though I’m older and my experience with transition is incredibly different and I am ace whereas she is incredibly horny on main (and I am here for it). Somehow, her attitude and her outlook resonate with me; this book is no exception. Out of respect to her wishes, however, I’m trying my best not to put her on that pedestal.

So instead I want to say this: It Gets Better … Except When It Gets Worse is a messy book. It refuses to be the feel-good memoir you hope for from a young actor or a trans celebrity. While the ingredients are there—the sad, low moments, and the triumphant ones—Maines doesn’t want to assemble them into a satisfying meal. She wants you to feel unbalanced. She does say she wants trans readers to feel seen (and I do), but she is also exhausted by the political upheaval of the last five years, and she will not hold back. I admire this, and I really appreciate this attempt to short-circuit the narratives around actors and activists like herself.

At various points in reading this, I felt entertained, uplifted, triggered, saddened, shocked, and impressed. In that sense, this is a very human book. Nicole Maines is a trans woman, and a lot of this book is about that—but she’s also a young woman in her twenties, at the start of her adult life and her career, shouting into the void, and this book is also about that. There’s more here than just her thoughts on trans rights and trans life, just as there is more to Maines than Dreamer or being trans or being mouthy on Twitter. I love memoirs that contain multitudes.

I was not familiar with Nicole Maines until I received a copy of "It Gets Better... Except When It Gets Worse." The author writes about her struggles, courage and thr joy with finding her authentic self. I will definitely be picking up "Becoming Nicole" to get more of an insight of her early years.

**Thank you Net Galley for an advanced copy in exchange for an honest review.**

It Gets Better . . . Except When It Gets Worse by Nicole Maines is a great coming-of-age memoir of Nicole Maines.
A very honest and open memoir.
That I really enjoyed reading.

Nicole Maines has been through a lot: a childhood as an increasingly out transgender girl, a landmark legal case and adolescent activism, gender-affirming surgery, and an acting career. That's plenty of material for a juicy memoir - but <i>It Gets Better</i>, although it is voice-y and witty and often a fun read, is disorganized and sometimes feels superficial.

Maines devotes the first half of the book to her childhood, particularly her family relationships and the bathroom dramas that led to her legal case. She brings humor and snark to the discussion but keeps the reader very much at arm's length - an understandable impulse given the private nature of the subject, but frustrating in a memoir. The second half of the story, tackling Maines' (still early) adulthood, is more intimate, but scattered and rushed.

Maines has a compelling story and a great voice, but <i>It Gets Better</i> fails to exploit them to full effect. It's an interesting read, but it could have been more. 3.5 stars.

This is a memoir about Nicole Maines’ childhood and her fight for transgender rights. I had never heard of her before, and her story is truly inspirational. She goes into raw detail about what it was like growing up as a trans child, back before Jazz Jennings and other stars went public about their own experiences growing up openly trans in a transphobic society. Maines and her family introduced one of the first lawsuits surrounding Maines’ right to use the bathroom of her actual gender rather than her assigned gender at birth. With all of this came fame and public scrutiny that she did not ask for, nor did she understand at the time. Today, Nicole Maines is a successful actor who still champions the fight for trans rights in an increasingly dangerous sociopolitical environment.

This was an impactful memoir that I won’t soon be forgetting! The author has a beautiful ability to combine humor and laugh-out-loud moments alongside the very serious topics of her upbringing as a trans girl and the obstacles she faced—and still faces—revolving around her fight for transgender equality. She is a badass and unapologetically herself, even calling out transphobes and transphobic organizations by name. Maines is also able to incorporate facts and statistics into her memoir without it feeling like a college lecture, which I found very compelling.

Maines goes in-depth about her love of comic books, which is where I got a bit lost. While I am grateful that she shared her passion with the readers, after pages and pages of extreme detail about comics it got rather cumbersome for me, as I do not share this passion. I got to the point where I was skimming paragraphs trying to find where the comic book talk ended and her story began again.

Overall, I absolutely adored this memoir and will be recommending it to my fellow memoir-lovers! This is such an important piece of writing in light of the rising transphobia and transphobic laws in our country. A must-read!

Big thanks to NetGalley and Random House Publishing Group for the gifted ARC!

Nicole Maines gives us a look into her life as one of the faces of transgender activism and life.

I have to say that more transgender people should write memoirs because just like Pageboy, Maines brings a lot more than just her story to the page. She could have just given us a play-by-play of her life, but instead we get snapshots that are broadened with global knowledge and facts. Why repeat information that is out there when she can just refer you to her TedTalk (chuckle) - love this!

It Gets Better isn’t a guide book. It’s written in a conversational style. You can just imagine sitting down for a drink and asking Nicole about her day and this book is what she tells you. (Chuckle…not the whole book at one time.) The chapters are short because they are just pieces of her life that she chooses to share.

Just like life, the hard stuff is there too. Nicole admits that even while writing certain pieces she is depressed. Everything that is out in the world affects her too. Sometimes life is a lot and it’s here. There is also how Nicole just continues to move forward. As she “pushed” her twin out of the way to get born first, she is still pushing ahead working and hoping for a better future for rainbows.

I related to It Gets Better…Just Before It Gets Worse because of my own life struggles - especially this past year. I just keep moving forward. It’s actually comforting to know that I’m not alone and that’s Nicole’s whole point for writing the book. You’re not alone.

Nicole Maines, a transgender woman, became widely known for her involvement in a groundbreaking lawsuit about her right to use the restroom that matched her gender identity at school. Her journey was previously detailed in the book Becoming Nicole, which focused on how her family navigated the challenges surrounding her transition. In this new book, Nicole not only revisits some of those experiences but also shares her own personal perspective. She discusses her role as a transgender superhero in Supergirl, her gender-affirming surgery, the complications that arose, and how these impacted her mental health. Additionally, the book addresses broader topics such as transgender issues, online harassment, politics, and dealing with bigotry.

So many memoirs exist in the world, and with that it can be hard to find ones that truly have something to say. THIS one not only has something to say but what’s said is so freaking important. I absolutely loved this book so much. Nicole is so vulnerable and open in this book about the rollercoaster that has been her life, while using her voice to bring attention to issues that matter so much in our world’s current climate. Her balance of humor and seriousness throughout the retelling of key moments in her life thus far is so beyond well done. The book truly feels like you’re sitting on a couch with her and getting to know all that she’s been through, how she takes life day by day in this messed up world and what she’ll use everything in her power to fight for. Her personality shines through the pages and this book is so hard to put down once you start. Lastly, I’d say one of the biggest lessons someone can learn from this book is to lead with empathy for others and just because you don’t understand someone else’s way of thinking doesn’t give you the right to try and police their bodies.

I read Becoming Nicole by Amy Ellis Nutt quite a few years ago and was moved at how supportive Nicole's parents were of her. However, books about the families of trans people are not the same as hearing from the people who is trans. In IT GETS BETTER...EXCEPT WHEN IT GETS WORSE by Nicole Maines herself is funny, warm, and open. Her frankness and perspective is very welcome and needed, especially now, as trans people are targeted by politically driven agendas. It does get worse and I hope that people will listen to what Nicole has to say; I appreciate her willingness to use her platform as a popular actress to share her story from her perspective.

Great book! I kept seeing this book on goodreads and was really curious. It's a great read that gives you a whole new perspecti ve.

I really enjoyed reading this one. I'm a fan of Nicole from Supergirl and this felt very true to the person we see in interviews, lives and all of the other things. The book seemed to lose its was in the beginning of the second half, not sure how to tell it's story, but it found it's way back again by the end.

Thank you to NetGalley and Random House for the eArc

This was a good book, and I appreciate the author being so open and honest with their experiences. I think it was eye opening to read about trans rights and how people are affected. I think the book was well written and informative!

Thank you to NetGalley, the author, and the publisher for this complimentary ARC in exchange for an honest review!!

A poignant and timely memoir. Maines claims her life and tells the rest of what you might have read about her in either the press or a previous book about the case that made her famous. I was not familiar with her so this was all new to me. It's well written and reflective, even given the relatively short time frame covered. Thanks to netgalley for the ARC. This will speak to many.

I realize that as a straight, white, CIS female I'm privileged. However, having trans family members this book struck a cord with me. I'm grateful to Nicole being brave and tenacious enough to share her story with the world.

Back like 9 years ago I read the book Becoming Nicole: The Transformation of an American Family by Amy Ellis Nutt. I liked it, but I found myself wanting it to be more about Nicole’s perspective on her transition rather than being mainly focused on the parents’ POV. So I was so excited when I learned about this book and the fact that Nicole Maines was going to be sharing her story from her point of view.

Watching interviews with Nicole shows off her lively personality and sense of humor. I feel like the writing in this book really captured her voice. There are so many asides and little jokes that made it feel unique and not just like some generic writing. While a lot of the book is fun, there are plenty of serious moments as well when speaking about bigotry and the struggles that she personally faced with legal battles and discrimination. She also makes sure to share facts about the wider trans community and acknowledge her privilege when it comes to certain advantages she had.

One part of the book that I really appreciated was when Nicole was talking about her time being on Supergirl and feeling let down by how some fans crossed the line when campaigning for their ship. She discussed how she felt like people were brushing aside the queer representation that was actually on the show in favor of hoping different queer rep would come. It just felt like something I haven’t seen an actress discuss quite as in depth, especially when she was talking about how she felt betrayed at times when fans would call her out specifically as a queer person saying that she needed to do more. But she also made sure to mention that it wasn’t everyone and there were plenty of fans who engaged with shipping in a positive way. I just love discussions of fandom, and this was a very interesting angle.

There are some parts of Nicole’s earlier years that feel a bit glossed over, but she mentions that they were covered more in depth in Amy Ellis Nutt’s book. So readers who haven’t picked up that book might feel like they’re missing out on the full context. But overall I think this is a really engaging memoir about growing up, transitioning, fighting for change, and figuring out what you want to do with your life.

Nicole Maines had her happy life, but it never lasts, right? Nicole tells her story of finding her true self and the fight for that self in a way that is humorous and very honest. This is a wonderful, and unique look on finding happiness in this world.

It's been days of me attempting to write this review but I can't put into words how much I loved this book without making a whole ass brain dump essay, so you know what that's what you're going to get.

I've been a fan of Nicole's since supergirl, and beyond her acting & activism I'm honestly just a major fan of her sense of humour, which shines through brilliantly on every page. I genuinely laughed out loud and read sections to my wife because, as always, Miss Maines did not come to play. I can't wait to share some of these quotes more widely when the book is released.

This is the most highlighted book I've ever read, so so much of what Nicole said about the state of the world, queer and trans rights and experiences, and her own feelings through her journey, resonated with me. I felt honoured to read so much of what she has been through in her life and how becoming a public family felt to her and how it effected their family dynamic. To know that she felt imposter syndrome and like the 'trailblazer' descriptor didn't fit after everything. Self described as a private person Nicole still shared such raw vulnerability in every page, and it was an honour to get to read it.

I wish I could put a book like this in front of people, transphobes and allies alike, because getting to read the actual events of someone's life and how it made them feel, the frustration and anxiety and pain, I really do think it would open some peoples eyes and make them see things differently. And as well as Nicole's own experiences, she includes many facts, figures, legislation, and resources.

I LOVED the discussion of trans representation in media. About how Dreamer was the first trans person in the arrowverse, and for a lot of people, the first trans person they saw on TV. The pressure to make sure Nia was 'good' representation was huge. But what does good mean? Taylor Swift clean, or accurate and messy and three dimensional? How 'evil' can a queer character be without making people think every queer person is evil, do we have to make all our queer characters good guys to ensure we don't further tarnish our reputation to those looking for any kindling to the fire? I agree with Nicole that Nia should have just killed the transphobic cunt, we love a messy well rounded bitch that stands her ground and we know he deserved it. I hope as time goes on we get to see more and more representation across all ends of the good/evil spectrum.

I had the pleasure of meeting Nicole at a few cons in the past, and I was happy to see her voice came through so clearly on the page, I can't wait for more people to read this because I know it will be beloved.

And remember, we are all in the middle of our stories, there is no happy ending, only the journey. May we all find as many joyful sidequests along the way as possible 💗

This was an engaging, fast read detailing Nicole Maines's childhood, adolescence, and acting career. She writes with her own very distinct voice, which makes it feel like her story is being vocally told to you as you are reading. Her recountings of significant life events make it easy to read between the lines and pick up on all of the trauma and emotions that may not have been explicitly listed out. I also appreciated how every chapter is very short, which makes it easy to pause, take breaks, or digest the previous chapter. I would recommend this book to anyone looking for an impactful example of someone telling their own story exactly the way they want to.