Trigger Warnings: Violent, sexually explicit, suicide ideation, death

As far as the splatterpunk genre, this is mild. However, don’t make any mistake, At Dark, I Become Loathsome is not for the faint of heart. Ashley Lutin is a narcissistic, tortured, and miserable soul tormented by the twin losses of his son and wife. To find relief, he offers clients relief from their own suffering through a dark ritual with the intent of saving their lives. “At dark, I become loathsome.” Instead of being a savior, Lutin becomes executioner, presumably to offer the stricken ultimate release. Told from Lutkin’s point of view and his client’s journals, readers will learn about the depraved actions and thoughts of what people hide from the daylight. What Lutin may believe to be benevolence turns out to be a disguise for his own pure egoism and hidden desires.

Listening to the audio version, Andrew Eiden (aka Teddy Hamilton) gives the perfect voice to the suffering and darkness of the characters. Lutkin’s “at dark, I become loathsome” and LaRocca’s title is meant to carry the theme throughout the book but becomes a tiresome, repetitive chant. The book is violent and readers should be wary of picking up At Dark, I Become Loathsome. It is not merely horror, it is psychological terror - sexually explicit and sadistic containing adult themes, suicide ideation, and animal brutality.

Rating: 3 stars!

To fully understand this book, you would have to read this book.. Its dark, twisty, full of absolute terrors. Ashley and his story are a whirlwind of madness.

Thank you NetGalley and Blackstone Publishing for an ARC in exchange for an honest review

Allegedly Ernest Hemingway once described writing as sitting down at the typewriter and bleeding -- and honestly, I can't think of another modern writer who seems to live that philosophy as much as Eric LaRocca. As a writer, LaRocca always lets his intrusive thoughts win; and that means as a reader, you're in for unimaginable amounts of darkness and devastation when you pick up one of his books.

"At dark, I become loathsome." This is a mantra that Ashley Lutin frequently repeats to himself in the depths of his grief. After his wife died of cancer and his son disappeared, Ashley developed a ritual for others who find themselves caught between their wish for death and their desire to live a more fulfilling life. Through this ritual, he meets a man named Jinx, and their connection sends both men down a dark and brutal path towards the possibility of redemption.

At Dark, I Become Loathsome is a pitch-black journey into the tortured soul of a man that has been battered by grief, guilt, trauma, and shame. It's emotionally raw and devastating, full of misery and tragedy and depravity. No other writer is telling stories the way LaRocca does, and stories like his and voices like his are so incredibly important -- as long as you are in a strong enough place mentally to consume them. I feel like I don't always get what LaRocca is trying to convey behind all the shock and awe in his books, but I definitely got it this time; in At Dark, I Become Loathsome, LaRocca is writing at the top of his game. Thank you to Blackstone Publishing for the complimentary reading opportunity.

LaRocca’s ability to relate the grotesque in terms of such beauty never ceases to enthrall me. Reminiscent of surrealists like Lautréamont, Bataille and Cocteau, deeply disturbing and yet redemptive.

Highly recommended.

This is an incredible book that I would not recommend to anyone, ever, without a whole list of content warnings and the knowledge that they are *actually* interested in extreme horror. It's heartbreaking. It's gross. It is also so compelling, an artful and unflinching examination of the worst parts of grief. I don't know if I can say I enjoyed reading it, but I'm certainly not sorry I did.

Eric Larocca writes some of the most heinous, disturbing stories that also somehow wrap you in a warm blanket and hold you close as you read. It is truly a fascinating writing style that always pulls me and demands it to be finished.

Ashley Lutin is going through the motions after his child has been stolen and his wife died from cancer. Believing he can help people, he's developed a ritual of burying a person alive to give them a new lease on life. He hates himself for it, hates his life, but he can't give up though he's tried before. Sharing stories within the story about others finding pleasure in the destruction of others, in the complete breakdown of someone's body and mind, and the question of how can he even be human when he feels like this. It's a story of grief, and pain, and pleasure, and the conviction that you're going to know the right thing to do and then not doing it.

It is a terrifying story and a heartbreaking story and you feel like you're in the coffin waiting for the soil to be removed, for the lid to be opened, for the chance to breathe again. Amazing.

Rating: 1.67 leaves out of 5
-Characters: 1/5
-Story: 1/5
-Writing: 3/5
Genre: horror, lgbt, thriller
-horror: 0/5
-lgbt: 5/5
-thriller: 0/5
Type: Ebook
Worth?: no

I want to first thank Netgalley and the publishers for letting me read this.

First off, gore to me is not horror. That being said I have read Eric's work and he has written some good books. Sadly this one wasn't it. It is a quick read, yes, but it felt so long. I just really didn't vibe with this book.

At Dark is lonely. It follows a deeply flawed man who has lost his wife and son in a relatively short amount of time, who runs a Burial Ritual service wherein he buries clients alive for 30 minutes in order to induce, at best, a renewed desire to live. What follows is a perverse and dark dive in to desire, loss, pain, loneliness, and myriad other complex and strangely mixed emotions and subjects that may leave the reader feeling bereft and even upset. Painfully, I saw my own father in the point of view character Ashley, and myself in his missing son. I have never felt so painfully seen, and never have I related so deeply or seen my parent-child experience in a book at this magnitude.

I've been having difficulty putting words to it since I finished it. Spiritually, it feels like a companion to Exquisite Corpse by Poppy Z. Brite, in so many ways: the writing style, the subject matter, the execution, how beautifully but realistically, rawly queer it is. In others, it feels so uniquely itself, so individual, so set apart, it really shines as itself rather than feeling derivative.

As with Exquisite Corpse, At Dark is not for the faint of heart. It is at times graphic and painful, and deals with subject matter a lot of us would rather left in the dark. However, it handles it rawly and in my opinion the only way you should, without minced words and as honestly as possible.

Trigger warnings, if available, should absolutely be utilized. This book is going to live with me for a long time, and it's now one of my favorites.

A HUGE thank you to NetGalley and Blackstone Publishing for this free e-ARC copy in exchange for my honest review. I loved this book beyond words.

As a self proclaimed Eric LaRocca fan, this has by moved up to top three in the works they have written. It was dark, gruesome, horrifying...but my god was it also beautiful. I finished it in three hours unable to put it down and was engrossed immediately after the first chapter and could not put it down. Eric LaRocca continues to improve in their writing and complex storytelling and the way they navigated grief, trauma, and love through through his writing is beautiful. As long as Eric LaRocca continues to write, I will continue to read his work!

Thank you to Netgalley and the publisher for providing an advance copy in exchange for honest feedback.

Maybe LaRocca just isn't for me. Really fought to the end of this one and wish I hadn't. Sometimes just seems like he has eight or nine great ideas but rather than flesh out one, they all make it into one short read.

I did really enjoy this one, I loved how grief was portrayed. I do think that I enjoyed the two little stories within the story a little more than the overarching plot line, but in the end I found it really thought provoking.

Strangely emotional but grotesquely terrifying, as LaRocca usually does. Horrible themes and perversions written about with…style? Its definitely unique, and for the gore lovers.

My first read by Larocca and I was extremely impressed. Will definitely check out his other work

Thanks to NetGalley and the publisher for an ebook copy in exchange for an honest review

I expected something amazing and was still blown away by this book. LaRocca is definitely my second favorite author, but I think he might be getting closer to that number one spot after this!

The plot was intense and interesting, if not a bit bizarre (as I've come to expect from LaRocca). The characters were so realistic, few that there were. The narration, the dialogue, the descriptions, everything was perfectly on point. But the best part, the one thing that will always make this author stand apart from the rest, was the writing. LaRocca knows how to work magic with words. Every time I read something by him, I find myself trying to read faster, pulled in to the story and the language in a way that is absolutely addicting.

Off I go, to somewhat impatiently await the next Eric LaRocca masterpiece. Hats off to you, sir.

Eric LaRocca is one of the most unique horror writers out there, today. The beauty with which he writes the most shocking and disturbing scenes you've ever read pulls you in, even when you want to look away.

"At Dark, I Become Loathsome," is a heavy hitting gut punch to add to LaRocca's growing body of expertly crafted, devastating, work. This story follows a grieving husband and father down a dark path to see just how far he'll go to try and find some sense of wholeness and healing.

The "stories within a story" approach to narrative often misses the mark for me and can feel tedious to try and follow, but it really worked well here. As with most of LaRocca's work, there were some really rough scenes in this book and trigger warnings should definitely be checked before diving in.

I would recommend this book to fans of horror who are looking for a very dark ride, with twists and turns that lead to a destination as bleak as the journey it took to get there.

Holy fuck was this bleak.

Eric LaRocca is on another level with this one and I still don't entirely know how I feel about it. This has all the classic hallmarks of a LaRocca horror book - gore, sex, psychological trauma but there is such an overwhelming blanket of despair and hopelessness draped thrown over it all that, at times, felt almost unbearable to keep reading. You HAVE to be in a proper mental head space to read this one. Ultimately, this is an exploration into loss and grief and true emotional agony that will leave you with so many unanswered questions and ruminating thoughts on loneliness. I think this book was well done but the overarching themes could have been explored a little more thoroughly and it felt like there were too many added extra side stories that took away from the emotional pull of our main character.

Eric Larocca has written a very dark and heavy book dealing with grief.

It's not an easy read, but it's not unenjoyable. There's a reason Larocca won the Bram Stoker Award. Ashley is an unlikeable man, but I still wanted the best for him, and for the grief to pass.

It's a dark, dark word, and sometimes coming into the light is painful.

Thanks to NetGalley and the publishers for the opportunity to read and review this book.

You are not going to be okay. It's not a particularly revelatory realization when you stand back and consider it. Struggle as you may, the longer we live, the more loss we encounter until eventually meeting our end. Despite what anyone tells you, dignity probably has very little to do with it. If this is news, well, sorry kid. Thems the breaks, as they say. For many, this simple fact becomes cursed knowledge and ignites insanity. For others, it’s loss that breaks them, swallowing them in a blanket of darkness.


Eric LaRocca is an author known for crossing lines. Having a knack for pairing gripping titles with gorgeous covers. In a few short years LaRocca has carved out a distinct corner for themselves on the wonderfully crowded shelf of contemporary horror greats. Their debut novella Things Have Gotten Worse Since We Last Spoke and novel Everything the Darkness Eats along with his short stories establish a reputation for transgressive, dark horror.


If the sophomore slump is a thing to believe(I don't) LaRocca skirts it delivering a triumphant, unique, obsidian jewel of a novel with a relentless, clear sighted tone and vision. At Dark, I Become Loathsome wants to infect you like a bad idea. It wants to crawl under your skin and flay you open to reveal what a disgusting thing you really are. Many authors aim for humanity's darkest impulses but LaRocca writes to kill. They invite you with their repetitious, poetic refrains, and measured philosophical ruminations to take part in the circus or revulsion reminding you of every bad idea, cruel thought, or any secret part of you that might let the darkness win.


Ashley Lutin is a loathsome thing. Struggling to cope with the death of his wife to cancer and loss of his kidnapped son, he has taken to an unusual vocation. Lurking online in forums, he finds the suicidal and aids them in a fake death ritual that includes being buried alive among other things. His clients find the experience liberating, akin to a rebirth. Try as he may to convince himself he remains on earth for this project and that it is doing some good, Ashley cannot fight the intrusive thoughts that worm into his brain like a sickness every night. Ashley repeats the refrain, “At dark, I become loathsome,” as he ruminates on how meaningless life truly is. Death is the end in Ashley’s mind, he takes no comfort in an afterlife and many pages are spent with him raging at the indignity that once he dies, there will be no reunion with loved ones. “Heaven is a dark room… There’s nothing for us there.” This thought, taken from one of the many bleak and disturbing stories Ashley ruminates on, is his reason to keep living. It’s not that he wants to, but he’s too afraid of the death he so dearly craves.


Ashley has good angels of course, hallucinatory memories of his dead wife and son try to steer back from the loathsome brink, but Ashley is too far gone. He’s transformed by his grief, literally, modifying his body and face with piercings and surgeries until strangers are uncomfortable with his appearance. As his hope of being reunited with his lost son diminishes, Ashley sinks further. Soon he entertains harming people, justifying it to himself as setting them free.


At Dark, I Become Loathsome is preoccupied with the way a person can be changed by environment, people, and experience. Ashley’s loathsome face is a manifestation of these things, his pain, his rage, the fucked up stories he reads online, the weird clients he deals with day in and day out that want death and are desperately looking for something to stay their hand. What’s most interesting to me about this book is the way Ashley’s pain makes him vulnerable to bad actors, but also the way he seizes on other’s pain and the way his rage and self loathing distorts that all and turns it into something horrifying. Ashley is a queer man, closeted and having spent a chunk of his life in a seemingly loving, genuine, heteronormative relationship and the psychology of a closeted queer man is rarely so intimately explored. Intentional or not, much of the way the internet brings the worst of the world to our fingertips and mind comes up in this book a lot as Ashley is multiple times presented with debaucherous stories seen online that further meld his warped psychology.


Cancer becomes a recurring symbol, as some secret twisted part of us, eating away until we're unrecognizable and lost.

Beneath the ruminations on death, the lack of an afterlife, and the sinister things people are capable of is a character unwilling to accept himself. This is less about grief and more about the corrupting influence of self-pity and more importantly, self loathing. Cruelty can be infectious, often, like a cancer, that disease is made by the host it destroys.


A book like Loathsome pushes readers to the limits. In enduring it you’re forced to see the wonder in the hideous, the way beauty can be grotesque, and the humanity in monsters. You’re forced to wrestle with the pitless void that exists within you and every living person. Good horror requires empathy, but it's truly special to get something so unwaveringly honest with subjects this bleak. Catharsis isn't all Loathsome has to offer. If you are brave enough to gaze into the abyss, you might come out the other end knowing yourself better. For the uninitiated, transgressive stories present a challenge, but for those of us that can't get enough, it's like a ritual, an exorcism. Like I said at the top, we're not going to be okay, but compassion, especially towards ourselves, might be the only thing to help us through. For that, you must know yourself.


Do not become loathsome.

I absolutely loved this book. I really liked LaRocca’s first one, but I think this one is even better. It’s such an intense, unsettling look at grief and self-loathing, and it really sticks with you. LaRocca has a way of making emotional horror feel as visceral as physical horror, and this story lingers long after you put it down. The writing is beautiful but also really brutal at times. I honestly can’t wait to see what he writes next because he just keeps getting better.