Eric Larocca, the only modern horror writer I'm aware of whose name doubles as a trigger warning, has done the unthinkable, he's written something more viscerally upsetting than his debut Things Have Gotten Worse Since We Last Spoke.

In At Dark I Become Loathsome our main character Ashley Lutin, (a glaring reminder that protagonist and hero are two very different literary concepts) buries people alive temporarily to give them a new outlook on life. This starting point, though it is disturbing in concept and portrayal, is the least offensive thing in this book. Readers who make it through this novel will look back with fond nostalgia on the opening of the book when they thought live internments would be the most shocking thing committed to paper here. As more of Ahley's life story is uncovered we find that this nocturnal activities stem from the loss of his wife and his increasingly futile search for his young missing son. This personal tragedy is intertwined with Lutin's feverish fascination with the darkest examples of human immortality and leads him down a twisted path that might just offer some answers about his missing kid but will certainly damage him even further in the process.

While I've previously praised Larocca's shorter fiction, this more traditional (at least in length) shows the author in fine form. He showcases once again his uncanny ability to mingle extremely disturbing content with compulsively readable prose, proving yet again that his skills as a writer extended beyond mere shock value.

This aptly titled work certainly makes one feel something approaching loathsome while also managing to tell a compelling story that begs to be read to the finish.

TW/CW: Language, smoking, drug use, loss of child, death by suicide (attempt), cancer (graphic), animal abuse, animal death (graphic), grieving, mourning, depression, anxiety, homophobia, slur, SA of a child (graphic), blood, gore

*****SPOILERS*****
About the book:
“If you’re reading this, you’ve likely thought that the world would be a better place without you.”

A single line of text, glowing in the darkness of the internet. Written by Ashley Lutin, who has often thought the same—and worse—in the years since his wife died and his young son disappeared. But the peace of the grave is not for him—it’s for those he can help. Ashley has constructed a peculiar ritual for those whose desire to die is at war with their yearning to live a better life.

Struggling to overcome his own endless grief, one night Ashley finds connection with Jinx—a potential candidate for Ashley’s next ritual—who spins a tale both revolting and fascinating. Thus begins a relationship that traps the two men in an ever-tightening spiral of painful revelations, where long-hidden secrets are dragged, kicking and screaming, into the light.

Only through pain can we find healing. Only through death can we find new life.
Release Date: January 28th, 2025
Genre: Horror
Pages: - -
Rating: ⭐ ⭐ ⭐

What I Liked:
1. That cover is so good
2. Queer rep
3. The rules of the ritual
4. Fast read

What I Didn't Like:
1. Over-writtened sentances
2. Beautiful sentences that make no sense
3. Saying piercings on the face make you a monster
4. Repetitive
5. Author uses coffin instead of casket
6. Plotholes

Overall Thoughts:
{{Disclaimer: I write my review as I read}}

"SOMETIMES PAIN IS EARNED"

We meet a nameless man who finds people from fourms to bury them and have them be "reborn".

Right off the bat the main character reminded me of the Devil man from The Haunt movie.

Ashley is the characters name who performs these rituals.

I am shocked that Ashley is able to find people willing to be bathed by a stranger in an isolated area.

His wife is dead and he sees her "ghost" in the TV because it happens after he gets a phone call from a man that turns him on.

We get more clues into Ash's long time battle with his sexuality. Afterwards he gets a visit from his son, Bailey in his mom's wedding dress and the level of abuse that Ash had experienced through his own father is revealed when Ash's son says the neighborhood kids ripped the dress and called him what his dad called him too; a word that isn't told to us. You can use your imagination on what that word is.

Through a newspaper article we learned that his his wife, Pema died from breast cancer. A year later Bailey is abducted outside a store.

The detective on the case stops by to show Ash a photo of the hat that was found covered in blood. So now she informs them they'll be looking for a body instead of a missing person. It's also at this point we learn that Ash started getting the piercings after his wife died and then when his son went missing he continued to get more. I wish piercings weren't here by the author as a reminder to people that they are ugly. I don't like that.

Nice to see the return of chats in the author's book, but what is his obsession with stories inside other stores? We can survive on one book we don't need a story in a story in a story. This section was so long and boring and misplaced. Honestly it took me out if the story.

Another insect story....

17 pages of the most mismatched story in the middle of the book via chat format. Wth was that even supposed to be?? I was; lost, confused, bored, annoyed. The story ends with both parties leaving the chat. What's the point?

Ashes dick is hard again. That's 3 times we've had to read about it.
"Before I realize it, I’m on the threshold of an orgasm. I let out an agonized whimper and squirt molten cream across the computer keyboard."
What a yes to be alive so we can read gems like that!

Ash asks if the man read his profile and knows to bring cash when they meet up in three days, but when he get to Ash's profile section talking about the payment it doesn't say an amount.
"Cost for each client varies depending on the length of the procedure and includes both pre-care and aftercare for the ritual."
So how does this man know how much to show up? Actually how would anyone know how much to bring if the price isn't even set until after the ritual is done? Like the woman in the beginning she just pulls out a roll of bills to give to him afterwards but how did he know it was the right amount and how did she know she'd have enough?

Now Ashley believes that the only way to help these people that show up for the ritual should be put out of their mercy and actually just killed.

Make it make sense but Ashley creepily washes these people down with washcloths while they are naked in front of him, but then when the robe is handed to them they have to walk away naked to put the robe on. Why? That seems so weird. Dude is here scrubbing between her legs but when she gets dressed she has to hide away.

Does Ashley think he'd get away with this? He moved her car (no gloves). Has her buried in a casket that can link back to him. And buried her in a robe with his fibers all over it.

Omg I am over hearing about what a monster Ash is just because of his piercings. As though he is the first person to get piercings. He just sounds like the emo kid that keeps talking about different and he's not like other people are.

He ends up going back to get another casket from the funeral and the whole time I was just thinking why wouldn't he go back and get the woman out of the casket he buried her in and just put her in the ground. Why go to all the trouble of trying to get another casket when he already has a casket that's only been in the ground for a few days so it still be okay and she hasn't started really decomposing yet. Just go back and get your casket dude. In the end the funeral director does give him a new casket but then Ash starts questioning how he'll get a new casket every time. At this point I'm like just make your own out of wood.

Another story in the middle of the book we're at now. Cool. This is the story from the man that you read about earlier that has the blog. The blog was about how he gets turned on when his husband is diagnosed with colon cancer.

Tandy and Victor's story is just paragraph upon paragraph of Tandy talking about how he wants to pound his husband every second of the day now that he has cancer. Pretty repetitive. There is even a disturbing section where Tandy describes how he would be turned on by Victor if he got so thin as though he were a Holocaust Survivor. So yeah.....

Ashley meets Jinx, the new person to want to be buried and he also tells a dog story that ends in abuse.

Ashley starts talking to Jinx and even mentions his wife dying and son that is missing. He shows Jinx a photo of Bailey dressed up in a wedding dress but he was bothered by Bailey dressing up in women's clothing and had even one time called him a faggot, so why would Ashley had taken a photo of him dressed up? Seemed a little out of place for how Ashley reacted to Bailey dressing up to snap a photo of something you don't want want to remember that your kid does.

Jinx says he's the one that took Baily, which duh who didn't see that coming? So after this shocking admission Jinx slams the lid shut and rather than opening the casket to question him more Ash just buries him all the while questioning if he should then unbury him to question him further. Why wouldn't you have questioned him right when he said that? Who would want to spend 30 minutes thinking this dude was the one that possibly took him?

How did Jinx find and know that Ashley was Baily's father via Internet? It's not like he had his name on the forums.

Omg Jinx is literally telling Ashley that he took his son but rather than wait the story out of why and how Ashley just starts beating him and then immediately beating him so badly he can't even stay conscious. Let him talk if you want answers. Don't beat someone when they are talking. You beat someone who isn't talking!

Jinx sexually abused Baily and he talks about what he did to him. Then Jinx brings up the story in the chatroom and asks if Ashley got off on it. Ashley actually answers yes to this while talking to the man that raped his son and is in the middle of talking about the abuse. Just why dude why. What kind of parent would react in that way?

After beating him he leaves him in the school house bleeding out and tries to save the lady he buried alive. Of course she is dead. And we don't know if he returns to Jinx or turns himself in for murdering this lady.

I just remembered that when Ashley asked him to right some wrongs the only thing he had remorse for was the dog not what had happened to Baily. In Jinx' mind Baily didn't even make to the level of remorse of a dog.

Final Thoughts:
Say one of the biggest issues I have with the author's writing is that there's a lot of things that sound pretty, but make no sense. You definitely has a way with words but some things your left scratching your head like what did that even mean?
"I study the lines crisscrossing my palm— the wrinkles, the curves, the small forms carrying my spirit on an invisible conveyor belt I didn’t ask to ride."

I do find it a little offensive that to the author piercings make a person so hideous. As a person with many face piercings I didn't like that about Ash. It's like saying that the author thinks they are what makes people ugly and I found that odd.

So much of the authors writing almost always feels like it repeats itself;
• Grief
• Sexual restraints
• Insects
• Stories inside stories inside stories
• Repetitive sentances throughout book

I didn't like that the author kept using coffin when it's actually a casket that Ash was getting. Coffins have six sides and caskets have four sides which are what standard Funeral Home cell is a casket.

Speaking of caskets you also have to suspend your disbelief that Ash is able to pick up a casket and put it in a hole, removal from the hole, drag it back to the van, put it in the van, all while it's over a hundred and some pounds to 200lbs. I mean that's a lot. Oh and he digs a hole on site too.

Every story from this author seems to have some kind of obscene sexual undertone to it. I can't tell if he's trying to channel Dennis Cooper or if the author is trying too hard to come off shocking. Every book I have read from him so far has had the same two undertones; it's grief and sex. I would love to read something new from this author. Something that doesn't always come across as the same two subjects. Like Donnie Darko says;
"There are other things that need to be taken into account here, like the whole spectrum of human emotion. You can't just lump everything into these two categories and then just deny everything else."

This book started off so so good and I was enjoying myself but the countless stories inside stories and same undertone of books from the author just came of repetitive. If you've read one Eric LaRocca book you've pretty much read them all.

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Thanks to Netgalley and Blackstone Publishing for this advanced ebook. All thoughts and opinions are my own.

5+ stars

No matter what I write here it will not do this book justice. It is one of the most beautiful and heart wrenching books I’ve ever read. LaRocca’s prose is unmatched. I’ve read most of his books by now, and without a doubt this one blows them all away.

I dont know what else to write, I’m at a loss for words.

I really wanted to like this one. Yes, Mr Larocca is an excellent writer, but this one didn’t have the impact of most of his short fiction. The extreme horror elements seem to only be there to flesh out what really could be an effective short story. And what the heck is a “small pack of cigarettes “?

Thank you to Netgalley for the ARC!

Unfortunately didn't get to finish this. The writing just felt over done to me, I think his author really sings in short form, and drawn out the work just kind of struggles to fill the page.

an absolute tour-de-force of abject terror, eroticism, and revulsion. larocca revisits the same disorienting power dynamics present in his earlier works and builds a truly horrific tale of depravity and sexual perversion. the metanarrative structure nestles other little nuggets of horror that were so jarring and uncomfortable in the best ways. plus, that ending? the last ten or so pages had me on the edge of my seat. larocca is truly a visionary of capturing the human monster.