Probably the most dark and depressing book that LaRocca has written so far. This definitely explores grief, exploitation, and regret in a dark way. I thought the main character was interesting but the introduction of another character towards the end brought the book to a dark place that I was not in the right headspace to read about. I've read all of LaRocca's work up to this point and I'll be a loyal reader always but unfortunately this didn't hit the mark for me.

I tend to really enjoy Eric Larocca's books, he has a way of writing the most offputting things that still makes me want to read even when i'm deeply uncomfortable. My experience with this one was no different. It's short like a lot of their other works but packs so much feeling into those pages.

I really enjoyed the plot & the dark atmosphere they created. I do wish there were trigger warnings at the beginning as there's some animal death/cruelty that i wasn't prepared for, but I got an advanced copy so perhaps they will be added in before publishing.

If you like their past work or the splatterpunk genre in general I say this is a great addition to your reading list.

Ashley Lutin has suffered the death of his wife and the loss of his son at a store. To deal with his guilt and grief, he as altered his physical appearance to reflect the pain he feels inside. He spends time online, interacting with people who feel as if the world would be better off without them, offering them a ritual that attempts to use their desire to die to give them a chance at a rebirth and new life. He meets Jinx online and the two men exchange disturbing secrets before meeting so that Jinx can experience the ritual.

As with all LaRocca books, this transgressive book is unsettling and will create an increasing sense of unease in the reader. This book dives headfirst into grief, loss and self loathing. It's a stellar example of the ability of horror to evoke intense emotions. LaRocca's prose is beautiful even as it describes terrible things.

Thank you NetGalley and publisher for this book.

Oh wow!!! I did not see that plot twist coming!!! This was a first for me by this author but will not be my last! Such a good story!

This is my first book from this author so I wasn't sure what to expect. The summary sounded interesting but it ended up being much darker than I'm used to. Don't get me wrong, I was hooked— I needed to know if he found his son...and then...yeah. Not really for me, but you never know until you read it! This is a good story IF this is the kind of horror you like.

“𝑰𝒇 𝒚𝒐𝒖’𝒓𝒆 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔, 𝒚𝒐𝒖’𝒗𝒆 𝒍𝒊𝒌𝒆𝒍𝒚 𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒍𝒅 𝒘𝒐𝒖𝒍𝒅 𝒃𝒆 𝒂 𝒃𝒆𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒓 𝒑𝒍𝒂𝒄𝒆 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖.”

A single line of text that so many people can relate to. For some, it's just a fleeting thought, but for others, it's much more.

Ashley Lutin is someone who has been forever changed by death after losing his wife to cancer and having his young son abducted. He has created a unique ritual for those who are straddling the bounds of the world of the living and the afterlife--he takes willing participants and temporarily buries them alive. This is the least disturbing thing about this book.

As more of Ashley's story unwinds, the reader can't help but wonder if this "path to understanding" that's he's created will ultimately destroy him in the process. Dark, disturbing, and captivating, this was a compelling story from one of the greats in horror. Thank you to NetGalley and Blackstone Publishing for the early copy. At the time this review was written, this title was set to publish January 28, 2025.

I should have known I was in for a ride when the opening quote of the book is from Poppy Z. Brite lol

I would've loved to have had a few trigger warnings at the beginning. I know content warnings are kind of argued about nowadays, but I would've appreciated knowing a little bit more about the book before diving in. I expected death, I expected horror aspects, of course -- but there was a little more to it than I anticipated.

All that vagueness said.... I enjoyed this. It was a fun ride, with lots of "loathsome" characteristics. I did sometimes want to roll my eyes at how hard the protagonist (and that's a loose term) would malign himself. But ultimately I enjoyed the story and its plot.

If you're a fan of the splatterpunk genre, you'll love this one. Don't miss it!

I will happily eat up any monstrosity Eric LaRocca creates. As someone who has read all of their work, this is one of his strongest pieces. He has a way of conjuring the unimaginable and turning it into pure, disgusting poetry. This book affected me strongly, especially as a new mother, leaving me in tears by the end. I’m very picky with my extreme horror, but this is the type of horror that is also pure literary fiction, akin to Poppy Z. Brite. I love how LaRocca implements their short story roots into this novel, with side stories serving the larger plot. This novel is a literary collage of unimaginable horror. Can’t wait for the next one, keep ‘em coming.

What I wouldn't give to sit down with Eric Larocca and pick his brain...

Honestly his writing continues to get better and better as time goes on. I really ?enjoyed?, not quite sure my feelings because of how screwed up this was, but it was certainly a time. I will forever pickup anything that this man writes. I also love that (to my memory) everything is in first person (which is my preference) so that is also a major plus.

I normally enjoy other books from this author but the consistent sexual deviance in the book took over what was an interesting premise. Just not for me.

Gory, dark, and delightful. A recommended purchase for collections where horror and Larocca's previous titles are popular.

If Poppy Z. Brite and Edgar Allen Poe had a love child, Eric Larocca would fit the bill. At Dark, I Become Loathsome is a dark, moody, gravedigger's delight that floats through the mist between depression and death, with enough face piercings to sink a ship.
Ashley Lupin exists in a world of tragic loss. His wife succumbed to cancer. His eight year old son disappeared from a supermarket parking lot while dad searched for his keys.
Nowadays, Ashley's face, nose and ears are laden with metal piercings. His hideous appearance masks the torment in his soul.
Ashley's current occupation involves a ritual to help others "cross over" their depression and regain the will to live. But as the night makes our anti-hero a loathsome creature, the darkness is beginning to sink in, convoluting reality with insanity.
A new client named Jinx will radically change Ashley's occupation with hidden meanings and untold stories. Will Jinx be the answer to Lupin's loss? Or will he become the harbinger to a fate worse than death?
Larocca's work isn't for the squeamish. But fans will appreciate his bloody good splatterpunk styling.
This is my first foray into Larocca's Loathsome world. But it won't be the last.

Thank you NetGalley and Blackstone for sending an e-ARC my way to review.

Eric Larocca is eerily imaginative yet again in their new novel At Dark I Become Loathsome. This one is a gory, gut-wrenching, yet lyrical, exploration of grief. His concepts pull you in, but those profound moments sprinkled throughout get you to stay. This one is definitely a tough read at times, but if you're familiar with Larocca's work, this does not come as a surprise. Check triggers.

I downloaded this and could not stop reading it. What was intended to be "just checking the first few pages" turned out ignoring my responsibilities for an entire day. Our narrator Ashley is monstrous and he knows it. His vulnerability and nonchalance about his life and loss pull the reader in, at least for me. A big question this book asks is; what should we do with monstrous nature that lies within all of us? Eric Larocca doesn't give you an answer, they take you on a journey to answer that question for yourself.

I feel comfortable giving this one a 4/5. My only real reason being the lyrical prose. While it's one of my favorite aspects of the book, it was distracting at times. I found myself on the edge of my seat and feeling the urge to skim some (albeit beautiful) lines. I guess it was just a bit overdone for my taste. Don't let this deter you from picking it up if you can. If this sounds like your kind of book, it probably is.

At Dark I Become Loathsome is a punch to the gut wrapped in a blood-red bow.

The title is a line that Ashley Lutin repeats in his head since his wife died, his son disappeared, he began engaging in massive amounts of body modification and he began trying to help others who are torn between wanting to die and wanting to want to live, which he does by engaging with them in a ritual.

Then it turns. And he meets Jinx, with whom he has a connection of some kind. And nothing is the same.

Oh, y’all. I’ve been reading Larocca for a few years now and he’s getting better and better (honestly, I didn’t much like him at first, so glad I read on.). But this is so, so dark. Know that going in.

“I’m far more invested in misery, heartache and despair than in life itself or the actual act of death.” Well, Ashley, welcome to the right life.

This book is unrelentingly dark. If you're already a fan of Larocca, you are already expecting this.

It's even darker than his other stuff, if you can believe it.

Not quite as earth shattering as Things Have Gotten Worse Since We Last Spoke, but easily my second favorite thing from him, and I've read just about all of his stuff.

Eric Larocca, the only modern horror writer I'm aware of whose name doubles as a trigger warning, has done the unthinkable, he's written something more viscerally upsetting than his debut Things Have Gotten Worse Since We Last Spoke.

In At Dark I Become Loathsome our main character Ashley Lutin, (a glaring reminder that protagonist and hero are two very different literary concepts) buries people alive temporarily to give them a new outlook on life. This starting point, though it is disturbing in concept and portrayal, is the least offensive thing in this book. Readers who make it through this novel will look back with fond nostalgia on the opening of the book when they thought live internments would be the most shocking thing committed to paper here. As more of Ahley's life story is uncovered we find that this nocturnal activities stem from the loss of his wife and his increasingly futile search for his young missing son. This personal tragedy is intertwined with Lutin's feverish fascination with the darkest examples of human immortality and leads him down a twisted path that might just offer some answers about his missing kid but will certainly damage him even further in the process.

While I've previously praised Larocca's shorter fiction, this more traditional (at least in length) shows the author in fine form. He showcases once again his uncanny ability to mingle extremely disturbing content with compulsively readable prose, proving yet again that his skills as a writer extended beyond mere shock value.

This aptly titled work certainly makes one feel something approaching loathsome while also managing to tell a compelling story that begs to be read to the finish.

TW/CW: Language, smoking, drug use, loss of child, death by suicide (attempt), cancer (graphic), animal abuse, animal death (graphic), grieving, mourning, depression, anxiety, homophobia, slur, SA of a child (graphic), blood, gore

*****SPOILERS*****
About the book:
“If you’re reading this, you’ve likely thought that the world would be a better place without you.”

A single line of text, glowing in the darkness of the internet. Written by Ashley Lutin, who has often thought the same—and worse—in the years since his wife died and his young son disappeared. But the peace of the grave is not for him—it’s for those he can help. Ashley has constructed a peculiar ritual for those whose desire to die is at war with their yearning to live a better life.

Struggling to overcome his own endless grief, one night Ashley finds connection with Jinx—a potential candidate for Ashley’s next ritual—who spins a tale both revolting and fascinating. Thus begins a relationship that traps the two men in an ever-tightening spiral of painful revelations, where long-hidden secrets are dragged, kicking and screaming, into the light.

Only through pain can we find healing. Only through death can we find new life.
Release Date: January 28th, 2025
Genre: Horror
Pages: - -
Rating: ⭐ ⭐ ⭐

What I Liked:
1. That cover is so good
2. Queer rep
3. The rules of the ritual
4. Fast read

What I Didn't Like:
1. Over-writtened sentances
2. Beautiful sentences that make no sense
3. Saying piercings on the face make you a monster
4. Repetitive
5. Author uses coffin instead of casket
6. Plotholes

Overall Thoughts:
{{Disclaimer: I write my review as I read}}

"SOMETIMES PAIN IS EARNED"

We meet a nameless man who finds people from fourms to bury them and have them be "reborn".

Right off the bat the main character reminded me of the Devil man from The Haunt movie.

Ashley is the characters name who performs these rituals.

I am shocked that Ashley is able to find people willing to be bathed by a stranger in an isolated area.

His wife is dead and he sees her "ghost" in the TV because it happens after he gets a phone call from a man that turns him on.

We get more clues into Ash's long time battle with his sexuality. Afterwards he gets a visit from his son, Bailey in his mom's wedding dress and the level of abuse that Ash had experienced through his own father is revealed when Ash's son says the neighborhood kids ripped the dress and called him what his dad called him too; a word that isn't told to us. You can use your imagination on what that word is.

Through a newspaper article we learned that his his wife, Pema died from breast cancer. A year later Bailey is abducted outside a store.

The detective on the case stops by to show Ash a photo of the hat that was found covered in blood. So now she informs them they'll be looking for a body instead of a missing person. It's also at this point we learn that Ash started getting the piercings after his wife died and then when his son went missing he continued to get more. I wish piercings weren't here by the author as a reminder to people that they are ugly. I don't like that.

Nice to see the return of chats in the author's book, but what is his obsession with stories inside other stores? We can survive on one book we don't need a story in a story in a story. This section was so long and boring and misplaced. Honestly it took me out if the story.

Another insect story....

17 pages of the most mismatched story in the middle of the book via chat format. Wth was that even supposed to be?? I was; lost, confused, bored, annoyed. The story ends with both parties leaving the chat. What's the point?

Ashes dick is hard again. That's 3 times we've had to read about it.
"Before I realize it, I’m on the threshold of an orgasm. I let out an agonized whimper and squirt molten cream across the computer keyboard."
What a yes to be alive so we can read gems like that!

Ash asks if the man read his profile and knows to bring cash when they meet up in three days, but when he get to Ash's profile section talking about the payment it doesn't say an amount.
"Cost for each client varies depending on the length of the procedure and includes both pre-care and aftercare for the ritual."
So how does this man know how much to show up? Actually how would anyone know how much to bring if the price isn't even set until after the ritual is done? Like the woman in the beginning she just pulls out a roll of bills to give to him afterwards but how did he know it was the right amount and how did she know she'd have enough?

Now Ashley believes that the only way to help these people that show up for the ritual should be put out of their mercy and actually just killed.

Make it make sense but Ashley creepily washes these people down with washcloths while they are naked in front of him, but then when the robe is handed to them they have to walk away naked to put the robe on. Why? That seems so weird. Dude is here scrubbing between her legs but when she gets dressed she has to hide away.

Does Ashley think he'd get away with this? He moved her car (no gloves). Has her buried in a casket that can link back to him. And buried her in a robe with his fibers all over it.

Omg I am over hearing about what a monster Ash is just because of his piercings. As though he is the first person to get piercings. He just sounds like the emo kid that keeps talking about different and he's not like other people are.

He ends up going back to get another casket from the funeral and the whole time I was just thinking why wouldn't he go back and get the woman out of the casket he buried her in and just put her in the ground. Why go to all the trouble of trying to get another casket when he already has a casket that's only been in the ground for a few days so it still be okay and she hasn't started really decomposing yet. Just go back and get your casket dude. In the end the funeral director does give him a new casket but then Ash starts questioning how he'll get a new casket every time. At this point I'm like just make your own out of wood.

Another story in the middle of the book we're at now. Cool. This is the story from the man that you read about earlier that has the blog. The blog was about how he gets turned on when his husband is diagnosed with colon cancer.

Tandy and Victor's story is just paragraph upon paragraph of Tandy talking about how he wants to pound his husband every second of the day now that he has cancer. Pretty repetitive. There is even a disturbing section where Tandy describes how he would be turned on by Victor if he got so thin as though he were a Holocaust Survivor. So yeah.....

Ashley meets Jinx, the new person to want to be buried and he also tells a dog story that ends in abuse.

Ashley starts talking to Jinx and even mentions his wife dying and son that is missing. He shows Jinx a photo of Bailey dressed up in a wedding dress but he was bothered by Bailey dressing up in women's clothing and had even one time called him a faggot, so why would Ashley had taken a photo of him dressed up? Seemed a little out of place for how Ashley reacted to Bailey dressing up to snap a photo of something you don't want want to remember that your kid does.

Jinx says he's the one that took Baily, which duh who didn't see that coming? So after this shocking admission Jinx slams the lid shut and rather than opening the casket to question him more Ash just buries him all the while questioning if he should then unbury him to question him further. Why wouldn't you have questioned him right when he said that? Who would want to spend 30 minutes thinking this dude was the one that possibly took him?

How did Jinx find and know that Ashley was Baily's father via Internet? It's not like he had his name on the forums.

Omg Jinx is literally telling Ashley that he took his son but rather than wait the story out of why and how Ashley just starts beating him and then immediately beating him so badly he can't even stay conscious. Let him talk if you want answers. Don't beat someone when they are talking. You beat someone who isn't talking!

Jinx sexually abused Baily and he talks about what he did to him. Then Jinx brings up the story in the chatroom and asks if Ashley got off on it. Ashley actually answers yes to this while talking to the man that raped his son and is in the middle of talking about the abuse. Just why dude why. What kind of parent would react in that way?

After beating him he leaves him in the school house bleeding out and tries to save the lady he buried alive. Of course she is dead. And we don't know if he returns to Jinx or turns himself in for murdering this lady.

I just remembered that when Ashley asked him to right some wrongs the only thing he had remorse for was the dog not what had happened to Baily. In Jinx' mind Baily didn't even make to the level of remorse of a dog.

Final Thoughts:
Say one of the biggest issues I have with the author's writing is that there's a lot of things that sound pretty, but make no sense. You definitely has a way with words but some things your left scratching your head like what did that even mean?
"I study the lines crisscrossing my palm— the wrinkles, the curves, the small forms carrying my spirit on an invisible conveyor belt I didn’t ask to ride."

I do find it a little offensive that to the author piercings make a person so hideous. As a person with many face piercings I didn't like that about Ash. It's like saying that the author thinks they are what makes people ugly and I found that odd.

So much of the authors writing almost always feels like it repeats itself;
• Grief
• Sexual restraints
• Insects
• Stories inside stories inside stories
• Repetitive sentances throughout book

I didn't like that the author kept using coffin when it's actually a casket that Ash was getting. Coffins have six sides and caskets have four sides which are what standard Funeral Home cell is a casket.

Speaking of caskets you also have to suspend your disbelief that Ash is able to pick up a casket and put it in a hole, removal from the hole, drag it back to the van, put it in the van, all while it's over a hundred and some pounds to 200lbs. I mean that's a lot. Oh and he digs a hole on site too.

Every story from this author seems to have some kind of obscene sexual undertone to it. I can't tell if he's trying to channel Dennis Cooper or if the author is trying too hard to come off shocking. Every book I have read from him so far has had the same two undertones; it's grief and sex. I would love to read something new from this author. Something that doesn't always come across as the same two subjects. Like Donnie Darko says;
"There are other things that need to be taken into account here, like the whole spectrum of human emotion. You can't just lump everything into these two categories and then just deny everything else."

This book started off so so good and I was enjoying myself but the countless stories inside stories and same undertone of books from the author just came of repetitive. If you've read one Eric LaRocca book you've pretty much read them all.

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Thanks to Netgalley and Blackstone Publishing for this advanced ebook. All thoughts and opinions are my own.

5+ stars

No matter what I write here it will not do this book justice. It is one of the most beautiful and heart wrenching books I’ve ever read. LaRocca’s prose is unmatched. I’ve read most of his books by now, and without a doubt this one blows them all away.

I dont know what else to write, I’m at a loss for words.

I really wanted to like this one. Yes, Mr Larocca is an excellent writer, but this one didn’t have the impact of most of his short fiction. The extreme horror elements seem to only be there to flesh out what really could be an effective short story. And what the heck is a “small pack of cigarettes “?

Thank you to Netgalley for the ARC!

Unfortunately didn't get to finish this. The writing just felt over done to me, I think his author really sings in short form, and drawn out the work just kind of struggles to fill the page.