United States Publication: January 21, 2025

Thank you to NetGalley and St. Martin's Press for this advanced reader's copy. In exchange, I am providing an honest review.

Ah, motherhood. Nobody can quite understand it until they have first-hand experience with it. That's proven by Reddy's examination of mostly old, white men who told women what a good mother did and said and shaped the modern culture of motherhood. It's infuriating. As Reddy says in the introduction, "This is....a story about the scientists and social scientists who made our myths about goodness. They're mostly men, their own children raised somewhere off-stage, their examples of parents ones we mostly wouldn't want to follow. Some, like Dr. Spock, remain household names, while the fame of others, like the British psychoanalyst and psychologist John Bowlby and the Canadian American psychologist Mary Ainsworth, has faded a bit, even as their core ideas about what babies need and what it means to be a good mother haunt us still." And the word "haunt" is an accurate adjective. The purpose of Reddy's book is, "to tell the history of our bad ideas about motherhood so we can begin untangle ourselves from their grip. Nothing about our current culture around motherhood is natural or inevitable or unchangeable. When we understand how the structures and policies and culture that constrain us came to be, we can see our way into changing them."

Reddy dedicates each chapter to a myth of good mothering. First, how she saw herself in it while raising her first child, the actual scientist behind the myth - including the personal history of that scientist, which is essential, and how the conclusions that scientist came to impacted mothering both then and now. (Hint: why in the actual hell are we heeding anything old white men - for the most part - have to say about mothering - then or still now?!) In the book's final chapter, she concludes, "The science beneath our ideals for mothers is just so bad. The studies are riddled with errors and bias, sloppy sampling and methodological shortcomings. And even knowing that, it's still so hard sometimes to set those bad ideas aside."

Reddy received her PhD in poetry and considers herself a poet, first and foremost. However, she can really write a thorough non-fiction. Her writing was engaging and almost storytelling in nature. Relating all the social science could have been dry, but through her lens, it wasn't. My rating for the book is slightly lowered because, while it has excellent information and content, it got a bit long and, at points, felt tedious to read. The editing could have been a wee bit tighter in parts. Despite that minor criticism, this is a valuable book, and I will recommend it to every woman/mother I know.

Thanks to NetGalley and the publisher for this ARC.
This was a very interesting and informative story of the author's becoming a mother, feeling absolutely like a failure, and also studying the ways in which society and social science have told us how to be "good mothers" and why this idea is toxic. The author was nearly finished with her PhD when she had her first baby, and it did not at first feel like the magic and stars it is supposed to feel like, and also her baby was not the easiest and she struggled with breastfeeding, crying, sleep deprivation, frustration at her partner that it all fell on her, guilt for liking time to write and work--isn't all this the opposite of how motherhood is supposed to feel? Clearly she was doing it wrong . . .
Well, I definitely recognized the signs of struggle and possibly depression, as I felt much of this myself with my babies. Oh, I did love them! But I have to confess I hated the newborn period most of the time.
This was woven into the history of the men, and a few women, who did the science that "showed" that mothers--and only mothers--were solely made to be sacrificial selfless baby satisfying machines, and if they messed it up their kids were screwed for life--and it could only be their fault. Very interesting to see the author learning about and dealing with this information. If you've ever felt like babies are great but you still want to feel like a person, or work, and have doubts that you are the only person who can love and care for your child properly--this is a great read for you.

I really liked how this book tackled motherhood and its many diverse experiences and expectations. It was a mix of narrative elements and also study data that mixed really well together. I really enjoy reading research and have a psychology background myself so I enjoyed all aspects of this book, but it is research heavy for those who may not often read that type of work.

I loved this book! I could relate to many of the author's experiences with her newborn: the unexpected difficulty of adjusting to the loss of my freedom, the resentment towards my partner because he had less of a caregiving load in the early days, the guilt because I wasn't as happy as society thought I should be. I enjoyed reading about the lives and work of different child care "experts" and I thought the juxtaposition of those sections with the author's personal experience was very effective. Well written and engaging nonfiction.

There has been considerable discussion in society about the nature of mothering and the criteria for being a good mother. The author of this work aims to illuminate the process of mothering and the diverse experiences of mothers. Drawing from her personal journey through motherhood while navigating a PhD program, she offers a candid look at her triumphs and challenges. Alongside sharing her narrative, she delves into the psychological research on maternal interactions, referencing notable figures such as Dr. Spock and Harry Harlow. This dual approach of integrating scholarly research with personal experience provides a comprehensive exploration of the topic. For readers with a keen interest in academic research and historical data on motherhood, this book offers valuable insights. However, those less inclined towards research findings might find it less engaging.

The Good Mother Myth - Unlearning Our Bad Ideas About How to Be a Good Mom by Nancy Reddy is a really fun dive into mothering in the 21st century and how our knowledge of mothering, attachment, and where the concept of being a "good mother" came from. This was a book I really enjoyed reading, as it wove in pieces of Reddy's own experience as a woman and mother in academia, as well as the foundational history of maternal mental health in the lives and research by Harry Harlow, Mary Ainsworth, and John Bowlby.

I did struggle with some of the conclusions Reddy came to in her judgments towards the pioneers in the field of maternal mental health and developmental psychology. As a student of psychology and a Masters level therapist who specializes in maternal mental health, there is so much richness to be gained in reading the works of these early researchers. I felt a bit defensive in Reddy equating the personal lives of Harlow, Ainsworth, Bowlby, and Margaret Mead to their work. I don't think this is the right way to go about "debunking" what makes a good mother, as it feels like taking a low road, versus a high road supported by research. Although I agree that some of their methods may not be the most ideal in today's standards, I would also point out that most research that is foundational would not be IRB approved today - the greatest example being Stanley Milgram's experiment with obedience. Much of the criticism about the early research is based in their personal lives, which I would definitely point out was also a product of the times. Men were not as involved in childrearing in the 1950s, and we need to remember to view things through a more holistic lense than just pointing fingers and saying this is wrong because it's not up today's standards.

I definitely found myself engaged in hearing about Reddy's musings about her own experiences and comparing herself to the wives of the great researchers of the past. I think that there is, however, a lot of reading between the lines and assuming she knew how these women were feeling about putting their careers on hold. I would imagine this comes from a greater bias from the author, who has pursued her own career alongside motherhood, versus taking a step back to fully immerse herself in one role. I definitely found myself cringing at the author's idealization of Margaret Mead, a serial cheater in her marriages and a woman who hid her sexuality from her daughter, as some great pioneer and mother who could do it all. I can, of course, see the benefit in creating a community to raise your child in, but in all reality Mead was absent in regular life. Is that really what we should aspire to be like?

I do think this book may be hard to read for a certain subset of women. There is an ease at which motherhood came about for Reddy, especially in her telling of wanting a second child and essentially getting one without much strife. For many women this may not be possible, their husband/partner is not on-board and puts up a greater resistance, etc. and it can be a bit annoying to read about a woman who has been able to have a successful career and family life. If you can read this book with a grain of salt, remembering that Reddy is not a student of psychology or research, but a poet and writer, I think you will find yourself entertained!

Thank you to NetGalley, St. Martin's Press, and the author Nancy Reddy for an ARC of The Good Mother Myth in exchange for an honest review!

The Good Mother Myth weaves the long web of how the idea of what being a "good" mother means. From psychoanalyst's to authors to your mother in law, people for decades have had the advice for new mothers on how to raise their new baby. Nancy Reddy describes throughout the book just how important it is to understand ourselves when we become mothers. In most cases this advice came from people who did not or could not become mothers, or who were even giving advice to their readers and raising their own children completely differently. The book is interesting and jumps back and forth from the authors own motherhood journey to the advice given to mothers all over the world, human and animal. In the end we must remember that raising children is complex, and we still do not have the "right" answers.

I really enjoyed this book. As a parent of 2 young kids desperately trying to get a better handle on parenting, this was the prefect read. Thank you Net galley.

Reading this was a picture into the motherhood experience. If you are looking for a book to read that will give context to the challenges and triumphs of motherhood, I would recommend The Good Mother Myth. Backed by research and anecdotal evidence that I can corroborate Reddy inspired a changed outlook on motherhood not characterized by perfection, judgement, and criticism. Though the research is very present it is not solely responsible for the outcomes posited by Reddy.

Reddy shared personal accounts of perceived shortcoming and judgements of many mothers encounter. These personal accounts resonated with my own experiences of motherhood and working through my own biases and societal pressures that I was not aware existed until my own mothering experience.

This book was a welcomed friend and reminder to mothers to be kind to self and to be aware of the dangers of the myths of motherhood. Overall the book was an enjoyable read that I would recommend to those who are desire, experiencing, or have experienced motherhood.

This was a great read. It was very well thoughtful and it covered all of the topics in this book very well. I would definitely recommend this book!

This book had many interesting stories throughout. I loved the personal anecdotes by the author, it added a lot to the story. I think that they really added to the story and made it more personal. However, I did struggle at the end where the author started talking about a desire and drive for a second child. I have no problem with people having multiple children, however, it was borderline preaching that if we didn’t have the desire to have more than one child, we were less than. There is nothing I hate more than being told I need more than one child, or I’m broken for not wanting more than one. Up until this point in the book, I really enjoyed it, and appreciated the research that the author provided. There was plenty of scientific information used to add merit to her own feelings, and it was done in a thoughtful way. There’s plenty of useful information in this book that I think it is a worthwhile read, I would just with the ending didn’t fall apart the way it did.

Thank you, NetGalley, for an ARC of this AMAZING book!
As a teacher, I have learned about so many of these theories and psychologist/psychoanalysts. I absolutely LOVED how the author sarcastically took apart these theories created by men on what a “good mother” was.
The sarcasm was hilarious, but the deeper meaning hit home as a mother myself. We need to give ourselves grace way more often.
I highly recommend this to all moms who ever doubt they are a “ good” mother.

I am a mom of four and was just amazed at this book from start to finish! I loved the different perspectives it brings to the table! It was such a great book.

Overall, an entertaining and thoughtful read, but I feel like it could've benefitted from a more analytical approach at certain points. The author's degree is in poetry, and when she starts discussing scientific studies, it certainly shows. As much as I enjoyed this book, I felt that Reddy's arguments would've been a lot more compelling if she was willing to look a little more at the science behind the studies she was debunking instead going straight to ad hominem arguments against the people who ran the studies. For example, at one point, Reddy brings up a theory, and then goes "but the person who created this was a Nazi, so we can ignore their research altogether" and never discusses it again. Taking a bit more time to discuss why the studies were flawed and poorly constructed in the first place would've been useful.

That being said, I still enjoyed reading this. Reddy makes some great points about the underlying issues with attachment theory, and the parts of the book where she discusses her own experiences with motherhood were particularly compelling and intriguing. I think that this book doesn't quite work as a comprehensive takedown of attachment theory, but it does function well as one woman exploring her particular thoughts and feelings on the concept.

I approached reading The Good Mother Myth: Unlearning Our Bad Ideas About How to Be a Good Mom with trepidation -- I have chosen not to become a mother and wondered whether I would relate to this book.

I am so thankful that my curiosity overruled caution because what I learned from this book is that despite not being a parent, I have still absorbed so many of the ideas and theories about what being a "good mother" means that Nancy Reddy systematically dismantles. Reddy problematizes the study design of psychological experiments from Harlow's cloth and wire monkey experiments and Bowlby's and Ainsworth's work on attachment theory while interweaving stories from her own life about the impact of those studies on the culture that surrounds motherhood in the United States.

The message that comes through loud and clear in this book is that unquestioning devotion to the idea of a primary caregiver (most often a mother) who has to figure out motherhood with limited support while making it all look easy causes harm to all of us because it keeps us separate from one another instead of supporting each other in community. I think this is an important message for us all to hear.

I am a huge fan of Nancy Reddy's poems, and I also loved this book. It's an excellent combination of reporting, research, and personal experience. The book is cogent and eloquent. And a much needed corrective to so many of our prevailing narratives about motherhood.

The Good Mother Myth offers a deep dive into attachment theory and the nuances of mothering, but it may not be the most accessible read for new mothers. While the book offers valuable insights backed by science, it’s more likely to resonate with seasoned mothers who have a bit more experience under their belts.

As a mother of three (ages 9, 5, and 3), I found much to appreciate in the book’s breakdown of Bowlby’s attachment theory. His research, while groundbreaking, is also flawed in its biases, and it’s refreshing to see those ideas challenged and reassessed. The science behind attachment and infant care is undeniably important, but the book occasionally delves so deeply into the research that it risks alienating those not as familiar with the language of psychology and developmental science. For a new mom, these dense sections might feel overwhelming, rather than illuminating.

One of the aspects of the book that I found concerning, is the challenging breastfeeding experience. While breastfeeding is undoubtedly a personal journey, the book’s discussion of it occasionally feels fraught with failure or hardship, questioning the book’s tone, which can unintentionally add stress. It’s important to acknowledge that every mother’s breastfeeding journey is different, and while the book does offer valuable insights, it might discourage some from even attempting breastfeeding due to the implications of it’s extreme difficulty.

Despite these concerns, there are many beautiful, affirming moments. The book’s reminder that motherhood is about connection, learning from mistakes, and repairing those mistakes with love is one that will resonate with moms of all stages. The sentiment that love carries us through—through the struggles and the triumphs—is a universal truth that shines throughout the pages.

In conclusion, while The Good Mother Myth offers valuable scientific insights and challenges traditional parenting notions, its depth and sometimes daunting language may make it more suitable for experienced mothers rather than new ones. The scientific focus can feel overwhelming, but its ultimate message of love and connection is a reassuring balm for any mother navigating the journey of raising children.

The Good Mother Myth was a 5 star read for me and I have recommended it to multiple people already. Adding to my shelf of must-discuss-with-friends books.

Reading this book brought me back to the time of when I had my first baby. Of course I read Dr. Spock, but within this book there were many other doctors and writers that Ms. Reddy refers to. I can remember the days when as much as I wanted a child I felt I couldn’t do anything right.

As you read on Ms Reddy even compares motherhood with the impending birth of an orangutan that was being born. The way the mother orangutan is with her baby the loving care she takes of her baby, while Ms. Reddy struggles trying to figure out how to keep up with her studies and take care of her child.

I’d recommend this book to anyone who is thinking of having a child while they continue to have a life or anyone who is already pregnant or have given birth. Reading the different styles of child rearing from these various doctors and their spouses was interesting. There was so much to take in.

Thank you NetGalley and Ms. Reddy for an interesting read.

Thank you St. Martin's Press and NetGalley for the ARC!

This book was stunning. As a mom of a toddler, this one hits me so hard where I am in my life. I love the personal narratives blended in with the historical research of motherhood. I think every man needs to read this to just get a taste of what motherhood is like.

Thank you again for the ARC!