This is the type of book that sticks with you for the rest of your life. Calling In is part memoir part self help book focusing on how to approach difficult conversations with compassion. This was a very compelling and accessible read that I wish I could give to everyone before they get on social media (or any group setting to be honest).

I really appreciated how raw and honest the author got about her personal life. This book doesn't shy away from hard topics and forces you to sit in some uncomfortable truths and self reflect. I like the way this book is set up with first learning a little bit of the author's experiences with calling out vs. calling in and then stepping into actual tips on how to call someone in. Calling someone out can be a emotional reflex which isn't always going to be the way to build a viable community. "Calling in depends on the rigorous practice of self reflection and critical thinking."

I really appreciated this book and how much it taught me. I look forward to building stronger connections and relationships!

Loretta Ross’s “Calling In” is the handbook that we all need in 2025. She emphasizes the importance of finding common ground, finding unity within movements rather than uniformity, and not reacting out of our trauma. Every chapter is full of absolute gems of advice and guidance, and I truly believe that calling in can be a game changer when it comes to the fight for human rights. I’m so grateful to Simon & Schuster and Net Galley for sending me a digital ARC in exchange for my honest review.

"We can skip the viral shaming and reputational warfare. We can skip the ideological litmus tests that don’t help to build a diverse coalition. Whether persuading another individual or launching an entire cultural movement, real change requires bringing people in."

Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for the eARC! This book was released in the US on February 4th, 2025 by Simon and Schuster.

There’s a moment in Calling In that I can’t forget—when Loretta J. Ross, a rape crisis counselor and survivor herself, receives a letter from a group of incarcerated men asking how not to be rapists. Instead of turning away, she leans in, choosing solidarity over punishment. This choice—to build rather than burn—is at the heart of Ross’s argument: real change requires engagement, not exile.

Drawing from over 50 years of activism, Ross interrogates the limits of call-out culture and the punitive impulses that often fracture movements from within. She examines why we feel the need to be right and how that impulse can stifle growth, warning against the weaponization of power in call-outs—especially when rooted in assumptions of guilt. Yet, this isn’t a book about passivity. Ross doesn’t suggest avoiding confrontation, but rather, being strategic with it. Calling in, she argues, is not about coddling—it’s about choosing to wield power with compassion, to guide rather than discard, to de-escalate instead of humiliate.

Ross grounds her theory in lived experience. Her work deprogramming Floyd Cochran, a former Aryan Nations leader, demonstrates how seeing someone’s perspective—without endorsing it—can be the first step in bringing them over to ours. She also explores how to “kill the cop in your head,” pushing readers to unlearn internalized policing and embrace mistakes as part of the learning process. Throughout, she offers tangible strategies for creating a call-in culture, whether in friendships, workplaces, activist spaces, or moments of personal reckoning.

Her writing is incisive yet deeply compassionate, blending social analysis with hard-earned wisdom. She challenges the notion that ideological purity strengthens movements, arguing instead that shame-driven activism weakens solidarity. Calling In is ultimately a call to resist not just external oppression, but the punitive mindsets that keep us from truly building together. If justice is the goal, Ross reminds us, then grace must be part of the path. For those seeking a less punitive, more transformative way to address harm, this book is absolutely essential.

📖 Read this if you love: abolitionist approaches to justice, movement-building rooted in care, and the works of Mariame Kaba and adrienne maree brown.

🔑 Key Themes: Accountability vs. Punishment, The Ethics of Conflict, Power and Solidarity, Transformative Justice in Activism.

Content / Trigger Warnings: Sexual Assault (minor), Incest (minor), Drug Abuse (minor).

As a human rights activist since the 1970s, Loretta J. Ross has seen firsthand what works and what doesn’t to create lasting change. Now an associate professor at Smith College, Ross has extensive experience supporting victims of sexual assault, pursuing reproductive justice, dismantling white supremacy, and more with diverse groups ranging from the tenants in her building to the National Organization for Women (NOW) — one of the largest feminist organizations in the U.S. “Calling In” provides easy-to-digest strategies for navigating disagreements with both your allies and your opponents. This handbook invites readers to imagine “a world with more joy and forgiveness and less shame and cruelty, a world where people don’t need to feel afraid and can feel empowered to pursue the common good, even if we make mistakes along the way.” Using personal examples, Ross makes a compelling case for why building bridges is the most effective way to solve societal problems.

Througout her long (five decades) career, Loretta Ross has learned how to call people in. She's also done her fair share of calling people out. This book tells some of her stories. It outlines why, when, who, and how we can call in - inviting them into conversation instead of conflict by focusing onred values instead of a desire for punishment
I liked the author's personal stories. She shares triumphs and successes, plus failures and missteps. Her realness encouraged me to practice calling in even if I don't do it perfectly.
While the book contains practical advice, I didn't care for the numerous "us/them" references. The author even said, "Our opponents are simply pimples on the ass of time." I expected a kinder and more compassionate tone to "others," especially from a calling in expert.
I would read this book again and recommend it to others. If contains actionable steps almost anyone can take to prompt empathy, insight, connection, and reconciliation in the workplace, around town, on a college campus, and at home.

Do you want to make the world a better place, but feel like it’s impossible to do so? Do you want to have productive and eye-opening conversations with people at the other end of the political spectrum to show them why they’re supporting a system that ultimately harms them too, yet always find such attempts ending in shouting, accusations, thought-terminating clichés, or broken relationships?

If so, then add CALLING IN to your TBR. Ross has decades of experience dialoguing with white supremacists, racists, and more to build bridges with them and help them change. Written simply, practically, and empathetically, CALLING IN is an incredible resource that follows the steps of great thinkers like Freire and hooks, who believe that change is predicated upon having a great love for humanity.

To make her argument, Ross first lays out clearly why call-out culture is doomed to fail to reform the world. Call-out culture, she writes, may satisfy our instinctive psychological need to be right, but does not really create a safe space in which discomfort and differences of thought, which are necessary to grapple with on the path to change, are allowed. “Tribalism is still tribalism, whether Left or Right,” she says; essentialism is still essentialism.

This is not to say that all call-outs are bad. In fact, calling out is an important strategy to check those with power who are betraying those to whom they should have a responsibility of care. However, most of the time, call-outs are used on people who are much closer to ourselves in terms of thinking and social influence. Potential allies, if you will. As Ross writes:

“Call out culture treats people as competitors for justice rather than partners capable of uniting for a common goal.”

It is “born of an ‘under-reaction to abuse and overreaction to conflict’”. Instead of teaching love and forgiveness, call-out culture promotes unforgiveability, fear (of our past, of our flaws, etc), and mental/intellectual domination.

Ross invites us to look past black-and-white thinking and reflect on the extent to which a person can be an ally. She writes, “There is no one perfect way to be an ally, so we need to approach people with the generosity of radical love instead of scorn.” The battle we are in isn’t against others who are also oppressed under the yoke of hypercapitalism racist patriarchy. Think about it in the way that we would like to be treated for our mistakes. For we are human, and we will inevitably make mistakes. Wouldn’t we all rather be in a community that helps us see where we went wrong yet also gives us the grace and trust to learn?

Learning how to use call-ins is strategic. Ross describes the act of applying a call-in as requesting a “transitional demand” from a potential ally, one of the steps to your “optimal demand” (which is revolution, the dismantling of patriarchy/capitalism, etc). Fortunately, she gives us step-by-step instructions for how to do a call-in:

1. Start with the self.
2. Calibrate the conflict.
3. Approach with love.
4. Accept the reaction.
5. Reach a resolution.

Seems a little nebulous when I write it just like that, but for each step Ross goes into detail about what she means, what questions you can ask yourself/your audience, and all of the options you can have at each step.

Is learning how to call in instead of call out, and creating a call-in culture, easy? Definitely not. Even with Ross’ patience and clear explanations, I know that I will have to reread her book several times to absorb her lessons. It won’t be easy because our society rewards call-outs: think of social media, and the short and savage Tweets/Threads that go viral in hours, rather than relationships that take months, if not years, to develop, change, or heal. And yet I know that calling in is something I want to learn how to do, because it’s more aligned with my vision of a radical and loving future.

There are so many good quotes from the book, but I will leave you with these:

“No one can change without room to grow.”

“This is what calling in seeks to achieve. We seek to replace shame and fear with a sense of joy and purpose.”

Read CALLING IN.

Such a strong message from this memior/handbook/manifesto on how to call in instead of falling into the depths of cancel culture right off the bat when you don't agree with how someone approaches/does something.

This book definitely made me think about how I will approach situations that arise over time.

This is a book I need right now. Trying to navigate liberal spaces can feel like tiptoeing through landmines, and talking to people I wildly disagree with is... difficult. While I don't agree with every single point Ross makes about every single little issue, that's part of the point. The easy thing about social conservativism is that people are expected to conform to a set way of being. The beautiful, but also complicated, thing about liberal ideology is that you have to meet people where they are, and acknowledge that everyone's experiences are different and are therefore going to affect their thinking differently. That's something that no single person can comprehend, and effective community building necessitates effective communication. I feel like Ross does a great job of explaining why "calling people out" often doesn't leave room for growth. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I've been thinking about this balancing act every day for the last two years, and I think Ross does a great job of exploring why certain behaviors aren't solving problems, but might very well be exacerbating them.

As I read this, I kept thinking of Kai Cheng Thom's book "I Hope We Choose Love." Ross is clearly a resilient, empathetic, adaptable person, but she's very clear that those behaviors were cultivated over time, and required a lot of trial and error. Not only is "Calling In" a great resource for people who want to build bridges, but it's also a good resource for how to deal with getting "called out." She address how the fear of being wrong can lead us to get set in our ways and avoid communication, and differentiates between how to differentiate between honest mistakes and intentional harm, and why our responses to those things have to be different in order to make meaningful community change.

I feel like this review could easily turn into me ranting for twelve paragraphs, but I see that a few other people have said that this read more like a memoir than a how-to for them, and I personally disagree. Yes, Ross uses instances from her own life as examples, but she uses those stories as a jumping-off point to talk about all these interconnected issues of self-evaluation and community-mindedness.

If Ross, whose life has been hugely impacted by SA, can build community with serial SAers, then I guess I can eventually talk to my MIL again. Someday. When I've had a chance to practice Ross's suggestions. All this to say, I found this book personally valuable and timely on a large scale. As I listen to people who are scared right now, I see people reacting to their neighbors in increasingly destructive ways. Ross doesn't ask people to set aside their anger, but to recognize which people and conversations WARRANT that anger, and which would be better served by other types of conversations.

tl;dr Good book, highly recommend. I read this as an ARC from NetGalley and would suggest that anyone who's trying to figure out where America goes from here make time for this one.

This should be required reading for high school. Part memoir and part how to, it really shows how to have those hard conversations.

I think I was less than a quarter into this book when I first texted someone about this book telling them that they needed to read it, a process that was repeated multiple times throughout my reading experience. This was excellent and is something I'd consider required reading for all of us who are interested in making change and building bridges.

I actually had the privilege of listening to Loretta Ross as a guest lecturer my first year in college, where she now is a professor. Ross is a powerful public speaker, and I think this book illustrates why - because she not only talks the talk, she walks the walk. Part of this book is a memoir, and Ross has lived a colorful and often complicated and challenging life. She doesn't shy away from moments of ugliness or from sharing her own moments of shame. She doesn't just ask the reader to be vulnerable, she models it herself - and that's at the heart of the practice of calling in.

Calling out is easy, and it's satisfying as hell - but as Ross explains, it isn't a very effective mechanism for actually enacting change most of the time. When people feel attacked, they're not going to change their minds. Calling in is harder, and longer, and requires emotional vulnerability and bravery, but it's also a way to actually build bridges. One of the most interesting concepts I took away from this book was the idea of the 90%, 75%, 50%, 25%, and 0% circle. Ross explains that it's not reasonable or effective to expect people to agree 100% with you. However, there might be many people with whom you agree with on 90% of issues - start there. Find the ways that you are similar with someone, not the ways that you aren't. Don't start with people you have absolutely nothing in common with - you're not going to be productive there. Find your areas of overlap and build off of shared values.

One of the things that I most appreciate about this book is that it's not just theory but also provides real, practical frameworks and solutions. I walked away with multiple new ideas about how to have hard conversations. And I think that's something that so many of us need. The internet loves a witch hunt, and I'm just as guilty of enjoying the drama from the sidelines as the next person. But a witch hunt isn't what's going to save us. If we want to survive together, we NEED each other.

Timely, powerful, practical. I can't recommend this enough.

I received an ARC from the publisher via NetGalley and am voluntarily posting a review.
Someone I follow online read an ARC earlier than I did and recommended this to others in online activist spaces, and I can see why. While call-outs can be warranted (and this book gets into that), far too often, these situations escalate due to misunderstanding people’s intentions.
Ross’ story and how she developed as an activist is compelling and heartbreaking, but I admire how these experiences led her to the teachings she’s passing on as we navigate our own traumas and figure out how to become more compassionate, connected members of society.

I can’t tell if this works better as a memoir than it does as a how-to book or if I’m just autistic.

I loved the first four chapters of this book. The subtitle, “How to Start Making Change with Those You’d Rather Cancel,” immediately raised my hackles as someone who’s been a leftist on the internet, but Ross expected that. She’s upfront about how some callouts/cancellations are justified, and she’s not trying to sneak in any centrist propaganda about how “we can disagree on fundamental moral principles and still be friends”.

She’s just also spent enough time in offline leftist spaces to be exhausted by how we are constantly wasting our energy on people who agree with us about 90% of what matters.

I’d propose “How to Build a Coalition with People who Annoy You” or “How to Leave the Door Open for People to Surprise You, Maybe” as more accurate subtitles.

The theme of letting people surprise you is especially strong in the first four chapters of this book, which are the chapters in which Ross shares how she’s come to understand the practice of calling in and some examples of when calling in changed her life. She doesn’t propose that we leave the door open for bad actors to continue to harm us or suggest that mastering calling in will allow us to salvage every relationship. She just says that sometimes, when people say they want to do better, they actually follow through.

For Ross, this included Prisoners Against Rape, a group of men who had been convicted of rape and wanted to do better; a man fleeing the white supremacist group he’d helped build; members of her immediate family; and most importantly, herself.

The last four chapters are where Ross describes how to call someone in, and those are the chapters where she loses me a bit.

Chapter five says to start with yourself because it’s hard to have productive conversations if you’re tangled up in your own triggers. For this, she recommends talking to your support system, using your coping skills, and getting therapy. I think the IDEA of starting with yourself is a good one, but I do not think this chapter actually offers any helpful advice.

Chapter six is the actual “how to call someone in” chapter, which outlines the 5 steps (start with the self, calibrate the conflict, approach with love, accept the reaction, reach a resolution) and describes how Ross might use them to call in an attendee at a workshop she’s giving. I would have loved additional examples, especially examples that are more likely to actually apply to the average reader. A few worksheet pages with prompts to let readers write out their own version of a call-in would be especially helpful here.

Chapter seven fully disappeared from my memory overnight, but looking back, it basically just reaffirms that calling people in isn’t always the right option. Sometimes it’s better to say nothing; sometimes it’s better to call the person out. This chapter also has some information directed at managers and leaders about how to “create a culture of calling in” at work or in groups.

Chapter eight is the best of the second half. It describes what to do when you’re called in and what making amends actually looks like. Again, it would have really benefitted from more diverse examples and a few practice prompts.

Overall, I’m glad I read this book, but I don’t know that I learned anything about calling in from it. I did learn a lot about Ross, who I admire immensely.

Loretta J. Ross’s Calling In: A Radical Approach to Long-Term Anti-Racism is a profoundly insightful and transformative book that reshapes how we think about addressing racism and fostering more inclusive, accountable communities. Ross, a renowned activist and scholar, introduces a powerful alternative to the often divisive and punitive culture of “calling out” by advocating for the practice of “calling in.” This approach, rooted in empathy, dialogue, and understanding, offers a path toward meaningful, long-term change.

What makes Calling In stand out is its focus on building relationships and opening up space for growth rather than creating walls of division. Ross challenges readers to engage with people who hold different views and to guide them toward understanding and change through compassion rather than judgment. This is a refreshing shift from the prevailing rhetoric of shame and cancellation that can often block constructive dialogue.

Ross’s writing is both accessible and deeply thoughtful, making complex ideas about race, power, and privilege understandable without oversimplifying them. She blends personal stories, historical context, and practical strategies to create a book that feels both grounded and visionary. Whether you're a longtime activist or someone just beginning to explore anti-racism work, Calling In provides a roadmap for moving forward with intention and care.

One of the most compelling aspects of the book is its emphasis on actionable tools. Ross equips readers with concrete strategies for having difficult conversations, managing emotions in tense moments, and holding each other accountable without resorting to anger or alienation. Her message is clear: change is possible through patience, empathy, and the willingness to engage in difficult but necessary conversations.

At a time when the world feels more polarized than ever, Calling In offers a hopeful and practical solution for fostering understanding across divides. Ross reminds us that progress comes not from perfection, but from consistent, thoughtful effort. She also emphasizes that we are all on this journey together, making her message both inclusive and deeply empowering.

In conclusion, Calling In is a must-read for anyone committed to long-term anti-racism work. It provides a transformative approach to building a more just and equitable world, grounded in love, patience, and the belief that we can all grow and evolve. Ross’s compassionate and empowering voice is a beacon for those looking to make a positive impact through inclusive, thoughtful engagement. This book is not just a call to action; it’s a guide to creating lasting, meaningful change in our communities.

Loretta J. Ross seems like an incredible person. All the wonderful things she has done in the face of so much ugly in the world. She tries to see the best in people even when they don't deserve it. This is a well written book about her life and career. Such an important book even though some the story tended to drag in places. Good book overall.

Where was this book before the 2024 election?! It’s a must-read for anyone who wants to navigate difficult conversations with empathy and clarity. Instead of rushing to cancel individuals who post problematic things online, we should strive to foster understanding and encourage positive change. Many harmful or ignorant remarks stem from a lack of knowledge rather than malice, and this book provides a thoughtful approach to bridging those gaps.

I particularly loved the author’s three-question method for assessing conflict and intention:
1. **Have I or someone else been wronged in this situation?**
2. **Was I wronged intentionally?**
3. **Am I certain it was intentional and not a result of ignorance, stupidity, or miscommunication?**

These questions are simple yet profound, guiding readers to pause and reflect before reacting, which is a skill we desperately need in our polarized world.

During the 2024 election, abortion rights were on the ballot in my state, and I found myself locked in heated online debates. I was fighting for my life—pouring energy into convincing people to protect these fundamental rights. But what I eventually realized was that many of these individuals weren’t intentionally dismissing others’ rights; they were living in silos, disconnected from perspectives outside their own. This book would have been invaluable to help reframe my approach and recognize the deeper barriers to understanding.

The personal story woven throughout the book, especially Loretta’s journey, adds so much depth and relatability. Her life was both fascinating and heartbreaking. No teenager should endure the trials she faced, but those experiences forged her into the remarkable activist she became. Her resilience and commitment to creating change are incredibly inspiring and serve as a reminder that even the most difficult experiences can fuel meaningful advocacy.

This book is not just a guide; it’s a call to action for compassion, education, and deliberate communication in the face of divisive issues.

Thank you NetGalley for the ARC that allowed me to make this review.

This book is full of very, very important ideas that should be taught to everyone in every walk of life. To turn away potential allies is to lose the war. Ross has compiled a wonderful mindset that absolutely everyone can learn from. Even if someone were to disagree with her political standings, they should agree that any common goal they share is worth working together for. If you want something, you cannot obtain it by refusing to work with those who don't agree with you 100%.
The charm of this book can be found in the excerpts of Ross' life that really speak to her ideas. The strongest points are followed up by a real-life example from her activism work. As a survivor myself, the first story really hit home for me. To hear that someone who committed such atrocities can turn around and change gives me so much hope for the world. This, again, perpetuates the importance of the words in this book. To find hope in a book such as this is so rare in a world where nihilism is prevalent among a mjority of people. While some parts of the book feel over explained, I can say that the ideas expressed are important to read nonetheless.
If you're looking for a book that supplies ideas leaning towards hope, team work, and positive ideals, this is the book for you.

In Calling In Loretta Ross describes a way of approaching accountability and creating change in the world. In her work she describes calling in as opposed to calling out as a way to build change both in the world and within people. She describes her ideas well and makes sense of it within the world as it is and how it should be. In many ways I think this work will be helpful for organizers and people working to reach others to understand how they can bring people within to their change-making work. I have been thinking about her points since first reading this book and will be interested in continuing to hear more from Ross in the future. Overall, I would recommend this book. Thank you to Netgalley and Simon and Schuster for a digital copy of this book. All opinions are my own.

Ross' Calling In offers a powerful alternative to the divisiveness of cancel culture, instead advocating for the practice of "calling in", or, a more compassionate, restorative approach to addressing harm and conflict. I love how Ross blends together a memoir, guide, AND manifesto with this one, drawing on her extensive career in social justice to illustrate why "call ins" should be the new norm (and how call ins actually foster understanding and change, something that cancel culture does not necessarily achieve).

Her tone throughout, while assertive, is wholly empathetic, offering readers a nuanced understanding of how to constructively handle disagreements. With love and compassion as the foundation, Ross encourages activists to engage with others and help them to recognize and correct their actions.

Considering the amount of work my school's district is doing with restorative justice and Dr. Bettina Love, Ross' Calling In is an essential, if not perfect, read.

A radical reimagining of what justice, dialogue, and reconciliation can look like in a confusing time.

(I received a free digital copy of this book from NetGalley in exchange for an honest review)

Absolutely should be required reading. I loved this and feel like I have been trying to focus on dialogues and seeking understanding more as I get older. I think everyone should read this.