Crush reads like a combination of a memoir and someone’s personal commonplace book. It was easy to read and spend time with. I enjoyed the collection of quotes and thoughts on love and friendship, but they didn’t feel part of the story. It’s a particular book that was somehow intimate and intense, but not always genuine. Overall, I was more invested in thinking about the quotes she added from other books instead of the actual plot of the novel, but it was still an interesting read.

3.5 stars, rounded up to 4 stars.

I finished this several hours ago, and let myself stew about how to respond to this. Several hours later, I'm still not sure how to put into words how this made me feel. I'll try. This felt like a memoir, less a novel, more a way to quote books and philosophers and make most of the audience feel amazingly naive and unread. I didn't feel much growth to the main characters, and I really have no idea of the time frame that the story took place in. Yes, the author is smart, erudite, learned. It felt like that needed to be proven every single page.

I actually did enjoy reading this, and am not really sure why. Clearly the author has a deft way of putting words to the page, and many will respond favorably to this. Would I read more from the author? Yes.

I received a complimentary copy of the book from the publisher and NetGalley, and my review is being left freely.

The first half of the book was so well written and the plot carried me along at a quick pace especially the treatment of flirting as a skill injecting an element of fun as a protagonist trait. The second half had a different and almost memoir like tone especially re how the father was written. I actually liked how different the tone of the two “halves” seemed. I read at the same time as the recent New Yorker story by Lauren Groff and the
duo made for some of the best reading of the year.

Where to start? I think I was expecting something different going into this book and that ultimately hindered my enjoyment a little bit.
Seen as Crush is marketed as a novel, I wasn't quite prepared for the format and writing style very much mirroring that of a memoir. While Calhoun's writing is fun to follow along, I struggled to really connect with any of the characters. The story was laced with so many quotes and references that it felt more like an amalgamation of what others thought of love, loss and grief rather than the author's original thoughts, which is odd considering this book is very much (loosely) inspired by her own life.
Still, I could see this book being a sort of catharsis for the author. I, personally, enjoyed the parts about her difficult relationship with her father the most. However, I don't think it dealt with non-monogamy in as deep a way as it could have.

A sometimes confusing story line - is it real or fiction? Making sense of marital roles and feelings. I feel for the wife since it's clear her husband really doesn't know her. She wants to please him. I had a hard time keeping things straight. On the whole not too keen on this read. Sorry.

A few times while reading this I had to ask myself: This is fiction, right?!

This reads like a memoir, so I kept waiting for some stats to be thrown at me, then I remembered that I was reading a novel. What a wonderfully crafted story about the intricacies of opening a marriage when one of the partners is not entirely sold on the idea.

One of the best books I’ve read this year!

Not sure what to say about this one…in a lot of ways I felt confused. While it’s marketed as a work of fiction it’s not quite a novel. It’s told in a more nonfiction/memoir format that makes it hard to remember you’re not reading a full on memoir. By 25% through it felt repetitive and dull and the FMC was grating on me. It just didn’t work for me!

Prevent Intellectualizing and CRUSH by Ada Calhoun

Cover of the book CRUSH by Ada Calhoun used to describe the concept of preventing intellectualization.
It was an unhappy marriage. They lost their spark, argued, and tried an open marriage, which is challenging in even the most secure relationships. It didn’t work. He didn’t attract the desired people; she connected with someone else. Both were upset.

As her connection with the new guy intensified, she researched romantic love versus deep friendship, hoping literature would uncover a justification for her experience and the secret to balance both men. It didn’t because this wasn’t a struggle within a polyamorous relationship. It was the story of a person who had fallen out of love with her partner and in love with someone else and was trying to think her way out of a feelings-based problem.

She was intellectualizing. Intellectualizing is a defense mechanism that uses logic, analysis, rationalization, and overthinking to avoid emotions. In relationships, intellectualizing can lead to overemphasizing and overanalyzing information rather than confronting feelings.

Intellectualization doesn’t solve problems. Instead, it makes things worse long-term by leading to a build-up of unresolved feelings, barring emotional intimacy, impeding living in the moment, and leading to anxiety and depression since feelings are left unprocessed and unresolved.

Here are tools to prevent using the defense mechanism of intellectualizing:

Notice Your Thoughts: Be mindful of red-flag behaviors for intellectualizing, like increased research or overanalyzing. Label the situation when you notice yourself engaging in these thought patterns.

Drop Anchor: Pause intellectualizing using the dropping anchor technique. Acknowledge your thoughts and feelings, come into your body, and engage in the here and now.

Talk with Your Feelings: Interview feelings you’ve been avoiding or covering up by intellectualizing. Ask yourself: What am I trying to think my way out of or away from?

Practice New Patterns: Whenever you notice and label your thoughts, drop anchor, and talk with your feelings instead of intellectualizing, you strengthen a new, healthier pattern.

Kind of strange middle ground between fiction and non fiction. So many quotes and references and I couldn’t really relate to the author’s marriage.

Paul suggests to his wife, the unnamed writer and main character of the book, to feel free to kiss other men because he thinks it will enhance their marriage. She’s reluctant at first but has always liked flirting. Thus begins a unique relationship between her husband and her and tests their boundaries. The quotes and references to literary writers throughout this story prove that Ada Calhoun loves books and is obviously very well read. I had to keep checking to confirm that this was in fact fiction and not the author’s memoir. I didn’t love it but did managed to finish the book. Won’t be recommending this to my friends as they are not the audience for it. This ARC was provided by Penguin Group via NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.

I have always been a sucker for books about complicated relationships so this one was right up my alley, I enjoyed this one a lot and will recommend it.

This was a bit difficult because I really feel for the wife in this one. Her husband doesn’t seem to know what he wants but this is a good exploration of a marriage when it gets a bit stale. And also the boundaries we create in relationships. Great ending!

I really didn’t like this one from page one on. I didn’t like the main character and I thought the premise (at least for the first 20%) was silly. Perhaps it evolves later on but I put this one down pretty quickly.

Thank you to NetGalley for providing me an early release in exchange for a fair and honest review

I don’t know how to write an appropriate review. I don’t really consider this a novel, more of a pretentious stringing together of dozens of quotes and thoughts from authors and philosophers. All these thoughts, quotes and “big” words are framed by the story of the author and her husband moving from a traditional relationship to and open marriage and polyamory.
The end is entirely predictable as soon as their adventure began.

The title seems to have nothing to do with the rest of the novel, rather just a tribute to her ability to attract people. So, I can’t recommend this since I have no clarity on what this “essay” with quotes is really about, nor can I believe that readers will find this more satisfying than I did.

Thank you Netgalley. One reviewer called this a book for English majors, but even they might find it hard to muddle through.

Thank you to #NetGalley and #VikingBooks for the opportunity to read and review #Crush prior to its release in late February of 2025.. This is my first encounter with Ada Calhoun and I felt, in many ways, at many times, as if I were reading my own thoughts. This is a writer who obviously loves books and makes ample use of quotes and reference -- across genres, time periods, types of content -- reiterating the written wisdom of a diversity of material from over the ages (under the guise of continuing a deeply romantic and emotional epistolary love affair with an old friend).

I have spent a lifetime collecting the quotes of others -- things I've read and heard over the years - and have held tight to the inherent wisdom that is passed along in great literature (classic and modern). Above all this was a story about love and how precious and priceless it is to fall in love even one (and to co-create/co-parent children) but then sometimes a second opportunity for a deep abiding love may come along. The book speaks to the consequences of choice, the unreliability of emotions (and how making permanent decisions on temporary feelings can be disastrous), and how communication is often fraught with misunderstanding (even under the best attempts).

This was a novel in which I felt I learned so much -- about other books and writers and about the the power of love. I highlighted so many sentences within the book to reread later and was impressed by the real-life love story within the broader story of everyday life, family, routine, friendship, and the role/importance of self-reflection.

Crush started out seeming like a lighthearted book about someone with a penchant for the intimacy and passion of kissing and flirting, who decides to "live outside the lines" at the encouragement of her artsy musician husband who seems to be seeking his own second bachelorhood, But transforms quickly into the power of nostalgia, the romantic pull of written language, and how intellectual connection can be the single sexiest and most addictive feeling an artist/writer can have. I was so there for that latter component and loved how this novel took chances and landed solidly on love. My recommendation for reading Crush in Feb of 2025 once it hits the shelves (as the novel says) is "ABSOLUTELY!" Thank you Ada Calhoun for this gem!!! Loved it.

"Crush" was, for me, many of the things "All Fours" wanted to be but wasn't. Here we meet a mom in her late 40s with a demanding career as a writer. She has a not-so-successful husband and a demeaning father whose health is in decline. She has a wide circle of close friends and a good but not blissfully happy marriage, too. She wrestles with a variety of possibilities for the next chapter of her life as their only child gets ready to graduate from high school. The reader gets to follow along as she develops a major crush and explores what it might be like to have an open marriage or even to get divorced. The novel is packed with bits of research and literary references about love, flirtation and intimacy. It forces you to think about what you would — or would not — sacrifice for a crush or for the security of a long marriage.

Thanks to Netgalley and Viking for the ebook. Our lead character leads an admirable life, married, great son, lots of work. She’s even close to her parents, including a sometimes troublesome father. Then one day her husband encourages her to seek a relationship out of their marriage. She winds up kissing a few people she meets and it seems to spice up her marriage. Then she starts a long distance emotional affair and nothing seems like it could ever go back to the way it was. Emotional and funny throughout. This is a lovely book.

I had to look at the front cover a few times while reading this to remind myself that it is a novel and not a memoir. It really, really reads like a memoir. So much so that I wonder if it is coded as such in order to protect her family.

This is a book about infidelity vs polyamory, can external partners be used as a way for a couple to grow closer, boundaries, guilt, and falling in love.

Written in first person, the narrator’s husband suggests a slightly open marriage to include kissing. She connects with another man, David, and has what many would call an “emotional affair.” It is messy and hard to read at times, and the main characters come across as pretty selfish and unreasonable. It brings up questions of divorce and what makes a good marriage.

I don’t know much about polyamory, and it is very easy for my to be very judgmental about it. But I think that reading fiction makes us more empathetic, it forces us to see a situation from someone else’s eyes. While this book is well written and interesting at times, it’s hard to root for anyone. It’s none of my business if people want to have a different marriage than I do, that doesn’t threaten me. But the ending, to me, seemed like a persuasive essay in which the reader is trying to be talked into the dissolution of someone’s marriage.

This book breaks the 4th wall, somewhat. Why do we feel the need to create a good guy/bad guy narrative in other people’s marriages? This felt like pulling back the curtain and hearing someone’s 288 page explanation of their marriage. I understand the desire to do this, especially since so many people in our lives feel the need to editorialize.

I was reading with my hand over my eyes and peeking through my fingers.

Maybe go live your life and don’t explain it all to everyone. Maybe be okay with being the villain in someone else’s story.

Despite the rave reviews I have seen, I just didn't enjoy this book and was glad to have it behind me. The main character and David were well-developed, but I never gained a good understanding of Paul or his true motivations. He was pivotal to the storyline, suggesting to the protagonist that she be free to spend time with men outside of their marriage. Initially, he seemed to enjoy hearing about her adventures, but when she developed a serious emotional connection with David, he became unhappy (jealous?). The protagonist was, in turn, unhappy when her husband started seeing other women. It all became a hot mess that ended in divorce, and her being married to David. What did Paul really want from all this?

This is a fascinating look at a marriage and all its possibilities. Paul suggests to his spouse that they have an "open marriage" and she reluctantly agrees though son Nate is 18. She's always loved her husband but desires more foreplay and he'd rather "cut to the chase" immediately. She goes to London for a week to work on a book project about a Victorian novelist and meets up with old friend, Ryan. Then she meets David online and relishes their conversations What's a girl to do? This is an unusual and unique look at marriage and the compromises and problems encountered when one is looking for happiness that begs the question, "Is it greedy to crave human connections?"
Thanks to NetGalley for this ARC!