I would highly recommend this book for anyone with a heartbeat! There are a lot of christian marriage books out there. I know, having been involved in a marriage and family ministry, I’ve read most of them! So how is this book different/better?

When we’re young and encounter various experiences, we start to believe things about God, ourselves, and others that may or may not be true. After years of believing those thoughts we automatically act as if they are true. This book looks at those beliefs and puts into words the pain cycle created from them. Once our pain cycle is set, we don’t even notice we do it anymore, causing pain to ourselves and those around us—which is the opposite of what most of us are trying to do.

While reading this book, my husband got laid off from his job. My pain cycle set in: fear of insecurity, doubts if God REALLY loves me and worry if it will all work out. I normally try to control an outcome by blaming or trying to control my husband (to alleviate my fears). But this book gives the tools to address what’s at the heart of the behavior and deal with that at its source. So instead of blaming or controlling my husband, I controlled my emotions by using the peace cycle learned in this book about telling myself the truth—in this case, insecurity isn’t bad, just out of my comfort zone and past experiences tell me I can trust it will all work out without my having to be upset at my husband.

I have used this new "peace cycle" (the antidote for the pain cycle) in many relationships beyond just my marriage. My co-worker “helped” by doing some of my work, and I was tempted to feel inadequate at my job and say something snarky—I didn’t!

Seriously, if you’re dedicated to becoming more christ-like in your relationships, please read this book. It will change your life if you implement the system. And if you have children, as they watch you use a new healthy way of managing your emotions, this one change can have a huge generational impact!

I couldn’t put this book down! The concepts discussed in The Mindful Marriage will be immensely helpful both in my personal relationships and in my clinical counseling practice. This is a must read and I will definitely be sharing it with friends and family as well as with clients!

“It’s time to grow beyond your pain.” We intrinsically know this, but ‘how’ tends to elude us.

Ron and Nan Deal approach our dilemma with transparency and biblically sound guidance as they challenge us, individually and as couples, to recognize our pain story and our default coping behavior that keeps us stuck in pain cycles and conflict.

Mindful Marriage is strong on application, providing insight, processes, and tools to foster self-regulation and personal change. Enough background on sources of emotional dysregulation, human development, and neurological processing is included to broaden our understanding. I appreciate the focus on anchoring our identity in the love and grace of Jesus.

My favorite exercise, the Humility Shift exercise, reinforces “thinking rightly” by speaking the truth statement aloud. I have found this verbal practice quite effective for myself and in my work with others. When I hear myself say it aloud, my mind reprocesses the statement and assumes I must believe it is true. Equally valuable advice is using the suggested intro phrase: “What I know about me,” as a signal to be honored, indicating that “someone is trying to manage their pain better.”

Since “everyone has a "pain cycle," patterns of reactive behaviors shaped by unresolved emotions,” I highly recommend this book for all of us, regardless of our profession or education. However, The Mindful Marriage won’t just rest on my bookshelf or show up on my recommended reading list. These principles belong in my heart and mind, nurturing relational wellness, because we humans tend to be forgetful learners.

Susan Millsaps, MPH

The Mindful Marriage is a heartfelt guide to building a stronger, more connected partnership by focusing on what truly matters—your shared "usness." Drawing on Restoration Therapy and their own personal and professional journeys, Ron and Nan Deal, along with Terry and Sharon Hargrave, offer practical tools for couples to navigate conflict, heal from pain, and cultivate emotional regulation. This book is a powerful reminder that every relationship holds the potential for growth, peace, and intimacy when partners commit to nurturing their bond. Through relatable stories and transformative insights, the authors encourage readers to shift from reactive patterns to mindful responses. With a blend of wisdom, humility, and hope, The Mindful Marriage equips couples to embrace their struggles as opportunities for deeper love. It’s not just a marriage manual—it’s an invitation to create a relationship that thrives, even in life’s hardest moments. Perfect for anyone longing to bring more trust, love, and connection into their partnership, this book is a must-read for a mindful journey together.

I didn’t get much out of this book honestly. There are stories, which are good, and scripture. They did focus on the brain and how the brain reacts to certain situations which can carry throughout your life. Some of the exercises were hard to read as words overlapped on each other on the app. Maybe it was just too scientific for me.