Note: Thank you to NetGalley, Skyhorse Publishing, and author Gail Lukasik for the advanced reader copy of this book. What follows is my unbiased review of the book.

Being adopted, I had to take at face value what I was told about my origins until I was old enough to ask questions for myself. Even having met my birthmother, there were still a few surprises when I finally submitted my DNA for testing. I was always told I was German and Irish growing up. Turns out I’m mostly “Eastern European” (which includes Germany), Irish, a slice of Scandanavian, and 12% Ashkenazi Jewish. That was a huge surprise. From what I’ve been able to interpret, I likely had a great-grandparent on my father’s side who was Jewish.

These commercial DNA tests have uncovered many family secrets and hidden identities. In the book What They Never Told Us, Gail Lukasik tells the story of a number of people who have had their identities upended thanks to DNA testing. In some cases, it helped answer questions they had for most of their lives. In others, the results came as a complete shock.

Lukasik herself found out later in life that her racial origins weren’t what she knew, which was detailed in her first book, White Like Her. Part of that story is here as well, with people who were raised white, only to found out they have African-American ancestry. This happened quite a bit due to the racism in this country, just ask Thomas Jefferson’s descendants. In one case, a woman adopted by an African-American family found out that shehad no African ancestry!

When asked, Lukasik protects the identities of those she interviewed. This was important when she deals with the case of 49 (and counting) half-siblings who were conceived with the use of the same sperm donor. The case is very unique, since it was a legitimate sperm donor used quite often in one area. One of those interviewed said they attended high school with one of their half-siblings who was a year ahead of them. They never dated, thankfully, but they were acquainted.

The discussion of what impact these discoveries has on identity is interesting. I learned a lot about the impact of being adopted on identity back in the 1990s and a lot of the disconnect started to make sense to me. That happens here as well, where people knew things were “off” in their families but once the DNA was tested it started making sense. I wasn’t aware that donor sperm were used as early as it was. I thought that was something that began in the 1980s with the first “test tube baby” but unfrozen sperm were used to artificially inseminate women much earlier than that. Doctors often would mix the sperm with the husband’s sperm so there was an idea that he could possibly still be the father, even with a low sperm count. It was thought that this would help him accept the child.

The point is made that the people who make the decision to do this don’t think about the impact on the children that are produced. In many cases, there are health concerns that were unknown to these people. They believed their family health history had to do with the parents who raised them, not knowing that there were more questions there until a DNA test was taken.

I wish a book like What They Never Told Us was around when I was struggling with my identity. My parents loved me, but they didn’t understand the value of being able to look around a room and see people who look like me. It’s something people take for granted. I can remember trying to tell my mother how it felt to be in a room with people who talked about who looked like who and I looked like no one. My mother dismissed this as “not a big deal.” I think reading about other people having this experience as well would have helped her maybe have a better understanding of why it is a big deal.

What They Never Told Us is a well-written look at the consequences of family secrets in light of the advent of commercial DNA testing as well as the fallout that these secrets have. It has the potential to open many eyes in regard to what it’s like to not know the truth of your origins. Lukasik frames the cases very well, providing context and referencing organizations that are out there to help people who find themselves surprised by their DNA results.

I’m so glad I was given the opportunity to read this book. While there has been no question about my parentage (my dna not revealing any secrets) someone very dear to me has had their life turned upside down. None of us made it out unscathed. Reading this given me a lot to think about concerning the conversation.

This was an interesting book that compiled stories from people who discovered that their parentage wasn't what they thought it was. The author tied in her own experience while sharing the experience of others.

Gail Lukasik’s What They Never Told Us is a poignant, thought-provoking exploration of identity, family, and the secrets that shape us. Known for her bestselling memoir White Like Her, Lukasik once again delves into the complexities of race, parentage, and societal norms, this time through the lens of ordinary people who have uncovered extraordinary truths about their past.

The book begins with Lukasik’s own journey, a deeply personal account of grappling with her racial identity after a shocking family revelation. Her openness and vulnerability set the tone for the narratives that follow, creating a connection with readers as they navigate the raw, emotional terrain of hidden histories.

Each story in the collection is a journey of discovery, heartbreak, and resilience. The individuals featured in these accounts uncover secrets about their parentage, race, or ethnicity that shatter their understanding of themselves and their families. Lukasik approaches each narrative with empathy and respect, weaving in social and historical context that enriches the reader’s understanding of why these secrets were kept in the first place.

What sets this book apart is its blend of personal narratives with broader social history. Lukasik explores how attitudes toward adoption, infertility, donor conception, and racial passing—shaped by pre- and post-WWII societal norms—created a culture of secrecy. This historical backdrop adds depth to the individual stories, illuminating the systemic forces that influenced deeply personal decisions.

The writing is both accessible and deeply evocative, capturing the emotional complexity of each tale while maintaining the pacing and intrigue of a mystery novel. Readers will find themselves drawn into the twists and turns of these discoveries, from how the secrets were uncovered to the often bittersweet outcomes of the search for biological roots.

Ultimately, What They Never Told Us asks profound questions: Who are we without the stories we’ve been told about ourselves? What does it mean to belong? Lukasik does not offer easy answers but instead provides a space for reflection, making this book as intellectually engaging as it is emotionally resonant.

This is a must-read for fans of memoirs and narrative non-fiction, especially those interested in themes of family, race, and identity. It will particularly appeal to readers of Dani Shapiro’s Inheritance or Lisa Brennan-Jobs’ Small Fry. Searingly honest and beautifully crafted, What They Never Told Us is a testament to the power of truth and the resilience of the human spirit.

interesting set of discussions of families and secrets with very interesting contetn, although at times it feels disjointed. 3.5 stars, rounded up.

I was adopted as a child and while I've made contact with my biological mother, my biological father and half siblings know nothing of my existence. Because of this, I was able to relate to a lot of these stories, and it also provided me many resources to look into to find my biological father. It also made me feel 'normal' for feeling the way I do about my birth and all of the secrets. I did feel like sometimes the stories within the parts jumped around a bit, but I still really liked the book due to the content.

I found the stories in this book to be interesting. Sadly they are far from unique. Cases like these are becoming more common as DNA testing is made more affordable and genealogy as a whole becomes easier to access.
One thing I would like to know is how the discovery impacted people and their families afterward, but for many the discovery is too recent to really expand on.
I did appreciate the author's decision to protect anonymity when requested. She treated each story and its teller with respect and acknowledged how difficult the potential fallout may be.
I would suggest this book to anyone who is interested in genetic genealogy. It is a fascinating look at how families are formed, secrets and all.
My thanks to the author, publisher, and NetGalley for an advance copy of this book.

As someone who was told their mom had a child before me she placed for adoption, I find stories like Lukasik's interesting. I read and write a lot about adoption and finding birth families. This book was so well researched and I enjoyed how the chapters broke into concise sections and topics. Thanks to NetGalley for the ARC. I highly suggest this to families to read.

This book has some interesting stories about those who discover they were adopted, or that their births were the result of AI treatment. The former stories were more engaging than the latter. An adopted woman raised black discovers her biological parents were white. An adopted policeman learns his biological father was in prison for murder. An adopted Italian-American doctor finds out he had a black biological parent. (Apparently it was common practice during certain time periods to place biracial babies with Italian families. Then darker skin colors could be passed off as olive.)

Author Gail Lukasik does a pretty good job of balancing the needs of individuals to know their true biological background, with the needs of mothers and fathers to keep such information secret for one reason or another. Yet I'm still not totally convinced that not knowing such secrets, or being taken away from a biological mother, causes permanent psychological damage. I'm afraid many such stories by those who didn't know such secrets sound self-absorbed and self-pitying. Not the ones in this book, mind you, but many others in articles and memoirs, such as "Inheritance: A Memoir of Genealogy, Paternity, and Love" by Dani Shapiro.

There is great emphasis in this book on the need to be with one's "tribe", as well as in the need to find someone who looks like one does. But not everyone needs such things. By the third decade of life, it's common to have developed a strong independent identity, independent of one's parents and others. Moreover, not everyone who discovers later in life that their ethnic background isn't what they were told as a child gets terribly upset about the matter. How truly important is ethnicity, race and DNA? Those things are only as important as someone wants to make them.