I began this book with apprehension that I would come across a faux attachment parenting book that ultimately encourages permissive parenting. The author even acknowledges that he is a pastor, but is not writing from a theological perspective. Thankfully that is not the case! This is a well-researched book that carries on from such authors as Dr. Daniel Siegel (The Whole Brained Child) and Jonathan Haidt, author of The Anxious Generation, making the case for consequences over punishment and the importance of apologies. Whereas most of the parenting books I read are divided into toddlers and preschool-aged children or exclusively teens, this is a great crossover of how punishment-free parenting can evolve from toddlerhood through the teen years.

The references that he uses to shore up his research are some of the top parenting experts. I really enjoyed reading how Fogel's parenting mindset fits in with current research. I highly recommend this book for all parents and for all libraries to include in their collection.

Punishment Free Parenting is a fantastic introduction to the world of conscious parenting. It’s a fairly quick read and Jon Fogel is skilled at taking and distilling the neuroscience of brain development into understandable discussions for the modern parent who is interested in doing things differently.

The book is structured into three parts. The first part is devoted to a high level discussion on why we should care, as parents, to consider parenting more consciously— ie why should I discontinue using tools like shame, blame, and other punitive tactics to control my child’s behavior as they grow. This section dives into a high level overview of brain development and how relationship currency is based on connection. It’s based on science, but it’s anything but boring and it doesn’t feel like textbook reading. The second section is about and directed to the parent. In order to parent consciously, we have to be aware of our triggers (and why is it that our kids know instinctively how to step on the lot of them?!). This section is compassionate and kind as it helps the reader to consider how implicit and explicit memories from childhood are subconsciously directing the big reactions we have when we are suddenly triggered by our children. After helping to identify how we can find the root of our reactions, it provides us with tools to practice to help separate from the past and parent in the here and now. The final section is the framework for parenting without punishment. It is the shortest section of them all but it’s an actionable step forward with tools and a scaffold for how to parent (without telling the reader how to parent). You will not find scripts for every parenting moment of hard you will ever face, but you will find in this section the key concepts that can be successfully applied to hard parenting moments throughout your child’s life.

One section that I’d have liked to see is an extended discussion on how parenting changes through each stage of development. There is a playground analogy that describes how a successful boundary may in fact need to be adjusted for age and stage (a safe, fun playground for a 3 year old does not look like a safe fun playground for a 9 year old). It’s not necessary to this book for me to recommend it with gusto, but I’d have loved to see the authors take on how each stage of development has differing needs as they grow— namely a 3yr old needs and attachment to a parent figure looks wildly different than what a 15yr old needs in attachment to a parent. His skill at distilling developmental brain science into laypersons English is admirable and I’d have loved to see this discussion more fleshed out.

While this book is not inherently religious, Jon Fogel is acknowledges he is a pastor, and I love the way he is open about that fact. It’s not a book that someone who is not Christian would feel turned off by the religious overtones throughout — indeed, I do believe it was intended to be a secular book. But, just the admission that he is a pastor will also catch the Christian readers attention and invite deep thought and consideration to a parenting framework that is easily dismissed in some circles of Christianity.

This book is a solid resource for parents and I commend it to you.

I would like to thank Convergent Books and NetGalley for the eARC in exchange for my honest review. All thoughts and opinions are my own.