Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for the eARC! This book was released in the US on January 14th, 2025 by Algonquin Books.

Dean Spade’s Love in a Fucked Up World is not a self-help book in the traditional sense—there are no quick fixes or easy affirmations to soothe our romantic woes. Instead, Spade offers something more valuable: a radical reimagining of love and relationships, grounded in activism, accountability, and collective care. This is an anti-self-help book, one that interrogates the myths we’ve been sold about romance and urges us to step off the relationship escalator in favor of something more liberatory.

Spade meticulously deconstructs the cultural scripts that tell us one person should meet all our needs, that romantic love is the pinnacle of human connection, and that marriage and nuclear families are “natural” structures rather than social constructs designed to uphold systems of power. By tracing how these ideas have evolved over time, Spade reveals how they function to isolate us, keeping us tethered to capitalist fantasies of scarcity, consumption, and individualism. The book challenges readers to decenter romance, making space for deeper forms of care and intimacy beyond monogamous or hierarchical partnerships.

What sets this book apart is Spade’s ability to weave together structural analysis with deeply personal reflections and actionable exercises. Self-inquiry prompts throughout the text encourage readers to interrogate their own conditioning, expectations, and attachment patterns. Spade asks hard questions about why we desire what we desire, why the new relationship phase inevitably fades, and how we can move beyond cycles of conflict and punishment into more value-aligned ways of relating.

A particularly striking section examines how capitalism and technology teach us to numb ourselves, ensuring that we neither resist the horrors of the world nor stop chasing the impossible highs that consumer culture promises. In contrast, Spade calls for emotional presence and accountability—not just within romantic relationships but across all forms of intimacy. Through a transformative justice lens, the book offers strategies for conflict resolution, boundary-setting, and navigating consent, even (or especially) when the answer is “maybe.”

Spade’s prose is sharp and urgent, but never detached. The writing is direct, analytical, and deeply reflective, seamlessly blending political critique with relational introspection. Repetition, rhetorical questions, and declarative statements drive home key insights, making the book both intellectually rigorous and emotionally resonant. This is a text that does not just critique existing structures but provides a roadmap for building something better.

Ultimately, Love in a Fucked Up World is a call to action: to unlearn, to resist, and to reimagine love outside the constraints of capitalism, patriarchy, and isolation. It is an invitation to cultivate relationships rooted in interdependence, solidarity, and care—ones that nourish rather than deplete, that liberate rather than confine. Spade doesn’t just ask us to love differently; he challenges us to love in a way that transforms the world itself.

📖 Recommended For: Readers invested in radical relationship models, transformative justice, and the intersections of activism and intimacy; those questioning the romance myth and seeking liberatory approaches to love and connection; fans of adrienne maree brown, bell hooks, and Mia Mingus.

🔑 Key Themes: Decentering Romance, Mutual Aid and Interdependence, The Impact of Capitalism on Intimacy, Transformative Justice in Relationships.

Content / Trigger Warnings: Death of a Parent (minor).

When it comes to being more politically aware and active, we tend to forget about unlearning unhealthy dynamics in our interpersonal relationships. Spade does a fantastic job laying out traps people can fall into regarding relationships in a clear, concise, and offers advice that can be applied in actionable ways. I really highly recommend this book as well as pairing it with Loving Corrections by adrienne maree brown.

I love Dean Spade, and I think this book is fantastic. I think if you're looking for a book oriented towards self-improvement under harsh conditions (racism, sexism, capitalism, homophobia, etc) this is the book for you. Dean Spade does a great job of explaining why we do maladaptive things (because we've learned to be corrupt systems) but how to regain autonomy and heal. I think Dean Spade is a fantastic activist, organizer and all around person, and this book is a real reflection of the strength of community and love.

I'm so grateful for the eARC to read and review this book. Dean Spade's writing is like a salve the world needs (I learned of Spade's work during grad school, and then Mutual Aid was released and I hoped for more from him). Love in a F*cked Up World is what happens when an activist with a strong care ethic, and an awareness of oppressive systems creates a kind of love letter for the rest of us. The book breaks with traditional self-help models that might *tell* you about a relational or relationship topic, but chapter-over-chapter, Spade clicks the pieces of it together to *show* the reader and make it practical.

The books central themes run the fairly ordinary gamut of relationship acumen: communication, boundaries, romance, and more. It's the Spade-esque (yes, it's a thing! lol) twist on it that makes this book so good: safety as a foundation, building healthy interdependent relationships that are boundaries unto themselves, seeking safety within ourselves and how that affects our relationships, and rather than wax philosophical about self-esteem, Spade shows readers that a healthy sense of self is fundamental for all of our relationships.

Some points to note: the chart with the safe haven and secure base details is amazing as is this quote: ""Safe haven" and "secure base" are names of experiences we can cultivate not types of people we need to find". I mean come ON! How mind-blowing is that? How many self-help books take chapters to explain what Spade summarizes in one line (citing the influence of author David Richo). Another quote for those wondering "should I check this book out though?" Yes, yes you should: "Other people are not vending machines built to deliver the experiences and feelings we want. Instead, they are our practice partners for developing our capacities to feel, listen, and relate. When we have more relationships to practice in, we are less likely to inhabit a scarcity mindset and be harsh with any one person who isn't able to meet us in the exact way we had hoped". Another highlight was the delineation of "fictions about romance" as well as the de-escalation process for our expectations. Anyone who has worked in customer service knows there are de-escalation processes for dealing with customers but Spade takes that capitalist bent and gives it back to us in a beautiful form.

It's these snippets that leave me feeling like the round of podcasters who might feature this book include: We Can Do Hard Things and/or Dr. Nicole LePera's podcast.

There is an intentionality that Spade notes we need to bring to all of our relationships. It demystifies the oft cited line that "relationships take work". Usually, it's just nebulously applied to whatever unpleasant thing someone might be experiencing. He sits the reader down with what that means and why "hard work" is actually just a misnomer for "being as kind as possible to ourselves and others by knowing what we want and being able to talk about that". Many people still balk or bristle at the idea of polyamory and non-monogamous relationships but you can see in this book, how the ethics of it when lived consensually gift those of us in consciously monogamous relationships a manifold remedy for codependence.

I'm so glad I got to read this book. Thank you to the publisher and Spade!

As a wounded activist and healer, there's really no question that even my most effective activism is influenced by how I build relationships and the remnants of my past experience.

So, I decided to dive in to Dean Spade's "Love in a F*cked-Up World" with a little anxiety, a little trepidation, and also a little "Is this really for me?" given I'm older and less interested in the idea of "relationships" these days.

"Love in a F*ucked-Up World" was for me and is for anyone who wants to make the world a better place but would benefit from a reminder that "being the change" also applies on the homefront.

Spade is associate professor of law at Seattle University School of Law, a lifelong activist and educator who also penned "Mutual Aid" and "Normal Life: Administrative Violence, Critical Trans Politics, and the Limits of Law."

Here, Spade challenges us to be the change we want to see in the world - not just out in the world but also in our closest connections.

I've often wondered if my woundedness hasn't had a strong impact on my own activism, my sometimes (okay, frequent) awkward relational skills inconsistent with my own personal politics of liberation, resistance, and equity. Spade leans into this beautifully and fuels one's decision that, in fact, our interpersonal actions can't be separated from our politics and/or activism. Spade asserts that many activist projects and resistance groups fall apart because of this - people treat each other poorly, intentionally and unintentionally living out cultural myths that we are fed about dating, relationships, and roles.

Spade dares to ask "How do we divest from the idea that one romantic partner will be the solution to all our problems?" How do we bring our best selves and our best thinking about freedom and justice into our desires for healing and connection?"

Spade has some thoughts about it and they are remarkable, challenging, bold, and yet also clear, concise, and actionable. Spade weaves together a tapestry of storytelling, truth-telling, actionable steps, and social insight into a collection that is refreshingly bold, clear, and empowering.

For those willing to really change the world and vulnerably willing to look internally, Spade has crafted the ultimate guide to raising hell and building healthier relationships for who we are, who we want to be, and the world we want to live in.