Love this book a breath of fresh air! Such good biblical marriage advice. It tells people how to build a closer relationship without having different advice for men and women. Evidence based - the study results were so surprising but make my feelings make sense.

I wish I could give 4.5 stars? The only reason for deducting 0.5 star would be that the digital format was hard for reading the charts, and I found the charts to take awhile to figure out how to read, even with the directions. So, I'd highly recommend a paper copy for this book, even though I typically read digital or listen to audiobooks. I can't wait for my paper copy to arrive, because this is a book I think people will own and refer back to and re-read often! But let's dig into the GOOD stuff now!! This is my favorite evangelical marriage book by far! We have needed something like this for so long, and the Gregoires did a fantastic job of using real research and data to show that not only are these marriage concepts biblically backed, but they are also statistically linked to happier and more fulfilling marriages! I have read and studied and learned about many of these concepts and issues for so long, that I thought I wouldn't find much of anything new in this book... boy, was I wrong haha! I was fascinated by several of the statistics and results, and I love how many of the concepts were described, as well as the helpful examples given. I also really appreciate the important information about abusive relationships, and resources mentioned throughout the book and at the end. This is a phenomenal book, and I feel SO privileged to have been able to read it in advance! Now go get your copy!!

Reshape Your Marriage Story with Healthy, Balanced Principles

The Marriage You Want by Sheila Wray Gregoire and Dr. Keith Gregoire is a guide that speaks directly to couples in all stages of relationship who are yearning for deeper, more fulfilling relationships. This book stands apart from others on the market by not only addressing the common pitfalls and frustrations in marriages but also offering a tangible roadmap towards healing, growth, and authentic connection. It’s a refreshingly candid dive into the realities that so many couples face behind the often struggling masks of "we're fine."

The Gregoires take on difficult topics like s*xual intimacy, emotional connection, and the often-taboo discussions surrounding marital expectations, tackling them with grace and clarity. The opening chapters set the tone by acknowledging that many couples enter marriage without a true understanding of what a healthy relationship looks like.

"Balance

Affection

Responsibility

Emotional Connection

We're going to debunk and strip away the advice that doesn't work and point you to what it takes to truly thrive in marriage. We're going to treat you like whole people who want and need healthy relationships, and that's exactly what you deserve" (Gregoire & Gregoire, 2025, p. 13). Healthy, intimate marriages are healing, empowering, and fun...many simply haven't learned how to build one, especially if the relationship is not longer new and has baggage.

One of the standout aspects of this book is its focus on healing from past unhealthy patterns and redefining what intimacy truly means. The authors skillfully address the hurts many carry from previous experiences—infusing the narrative with vulnerability that resonates deeply. If you’ve ever felt trapped in a cycle of disappointment or disillusionment, you’re not alone. The Gregoires emphasize the importance of breaking generational patterns that often leave couples feeling stuck. Sheila claims that "[y]ou shouldn't prioritize s*x in your marriage. That's pretty wild coming from someone who has dedicated her life to writing books about s*x, isn't it? Well, we've crunched the numbers, and here's a much better idea: Prioritize the ingredients that make for great s*x, not the frequency of intercourse" (Gregoire & Gregoire, 2025, p. 83). Major, influencing voices in the evangelical sphere in the past have asserted that frequency is tantamount to a healthy s*x life. The data and myriad experiences across surveyed participants from across ethnic, cultural, political, denominational, and linguistic borders have overwhelmingly demonstrated that relational safety and intimacy are foundational, and in relationships based on those concepts, the s*xual intimacy and quality take care of themselves (Gregoire & Gregoire, 2025).

What truly sets this book apart is its practical approach to tackling uncomfortable conversations—those that many couples shy away from, such as conflicting desires and the intricacies of emotional labor within partnerships. The authors present each topic thoughtfully, providing tools and scripts that help couples navigate these discussions. There’s a reassuring sense of hope embedded in their words. In Chapter 4: The Passion You Want, the authors discuss p*rn and p*rnographic style of relating per the data they've analyzed, as well as the advice of another advocate in the space of helping men and women heal from past addictions and harmful neurological pathways:

"s*x with your spouse is not methadone for your s*x addiction because s*x and porn are polar opposites. One says, 'I want to know you,' and the other says, 'I want to use you.' Until you get over the 'I want to use you' part, you'll never see s*x properly or experience real intimacy, and your spouse will keep feeling dehumanized. The key to getting over p*rn is learning to deal with the underlying wounds, fear, and shame that drive you to p*rn, while confronting the feelings of entitlement to s*x that p*rn has fueled. Defeating p*rn takes not just willpower but rather vulnerability and authenticity. Licensed counselor Dr. Andrew Bauman writes frequently about the effects of p*rn, especially on men. He points out that we can't defeat p*rn until we are able to live in authenticity and truth:

Fantasy is an escape from what is real. Whether it be difficult emotions, such as stress, anxiety, or depression, or just the pain that genuine relationship inevitably brings, fantasy relieves those struggles for a moment. While healthy relationships live in the truth, p*rnography helps bolster a life of fantasy that is difficult to undo. Fantasy brings relief but does not bring restoration....For relationships to remain thriving and true, both partners must be committed to voicing complaints, hopes, and desires, and living into what is most true" (Gregoire & Gregoire, 2025, p. 88).

The Marriage You Want is particularly beneficial for couples who are in the trenches of marital struggles and don’t know where to turn. It’s also an invaluable resource for those preparing for marriage, as it lays a robust groundwork for understanding expectations and cultivating mutual respect. Both novice and seasoned couples will find the insights and activities in this book transformative.

For those who have felt the sting of unmet expectations or who resonate with the journey of healing, the Gregoires’ voices will feel like a warm embrace. They encourage readers to learn and practice the principles of building unity, teamwork, friendship, passion, partnership, dependability, understanding, and closeness. They unpack the correct biblical concept of ezer kenegdo and how men and women help sharpen each other, not wear each other down (Gregoire & Gregoire, p. 165-168); they explore how to approach conflict with kindness and curiosity, making sure to prioritize empathy and understanding over being right (Gregoire & Gregoire, p. 171-184); and they explore what trauma is and how, if left unhealed, it incorrectly frames our stories...as "Marc Alan Schelske explains, ' Our stories are the narratives we hold about our own lives. Our stories are the history of the experience, [...] the web of meaning, explanation, and even justification that we've woven around our memories and history'. [...] Due to attachment issues, childhood trauma, abuse, or even just normal hurts and rejections, we've been left feeling like there's something deeply and fundamentally wrong with us. [...] When we don't examine and process our stories, though, they will show up in how we respond to our spouse—becoming sullen, defensive, or aggressive—as we try to hide from what our emotions may be telling us about ourselves" (Gregoire & Gregoire, p. 195).

In a world where marriage often feels like an uphill battle, The Marriage You Want serves as both a guidebook and a beacon of hope. It reminds us that while love is a journey filled with challenges, it can also be a source of true joy and connection. This is a must-read for anyone eager to repair, rebuild, and revitalize their marriage—allowing couples to step into the relationship they’ve always desired, one intentional conversation at a time.

Pick up a copy (and don't forget the study guide, too!) and prepare to transform not just your marriage, but also the legacy you leave for future generations.


References

Gregoire, S.W. & Gregoire, K.R. (2025). The Marriage You Want. Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books.

*Cross-posted on various book review sites. I was part of the launch team for this book and received an early digital copy of this book. My opinions are my own.

Seven months ago I reached out to Sheila asking if she recommended any books on egalitarian marriages.. lo and behold, this book was in the works. And how needed! Sheila and Keith bring truth unflinchingly, and it is such a breath of life. Their work is extensively supported by many other pieces of research and by biblical scholars, plus their own well-designed research study and honest, transparent use of statistics and quantitative analysis. This book invites men and women to work together as partners to create a marriage that both want to live in and enjoy, a partnership that honors God’s design for both individuals as equally valuable, worthy of honor, teamwork, support, affection, and safety. This book practically shows us how to walk in sanctification in the marriage relationship, growing in our emotional maturity, humility, mutual submission, and empowers the reader to experience more of the fullness that God intended for hybrids people He created. This book is spilling with love, practical ideas that are possible to implement, hope for transformation, and is clearly a labor of love by those who have spent years learning to love well. Over and over throughout the book, I found myself shouting, Yes! and cheering for the truths that open prison doors and set captives free. IT IS TIME for marriages everywhere to have a better message to grow by, one grounded in the Word of God, the hope of the Gospel (salvation, healing, deliverance, and freedom are for everyone!), and yes, evidence-based!! Three cheers to Sheila, Keith, Rebecca, and Joanna. Thank you for saying out loud what we’ve wondered might be true. Buy this book, share with a friend or twelve (like I did), and run hard after the marriage you want!

"The Marriage You Want" is the book I wish I had when my husband and I started having kids.

"The Marriage You Want" uses research on marital satisfaction to help readers understand how to improve their marriage. Rather than teaching about marriage solely based on their interpretation of the Bible, Sheila and Keith Gregoire base their teaching on the principal that "If Jesus is the truth (John 14:16) and God has revealed himself in creation (Rom. 1:20), then what we see in the world that God has made and what we see in Scripture should line up." Essentially, if certain actions, behaviors and attitudes are beneficial in a marriage, then that is because they are aligned with God's will for us. Or, as Jesus says while teaching his disciples how to discern good prophets/teachers from bad: "Every good tree bears good fruit... A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit," (Matt. 7:17-18).

What makes a great marriage? According to the Gregoires' research, it's balance (unity and teamwork), affection (friendship and passion), responsibility (partnership and dependability), and emotional connection (understanding and closeness). Each chapter focuses on what helps improve a specific characteristic (i.e. unity), and what takes away from it- based on their prior research, their most recent surveys (1,370 couples plus an additional 5,000 individuals), and other peer-reviewed studies.

I don't know of any other Christian marriage book that uses research on actual couples as the basis for the author's advice. Instead, the marriage books I read before and after getting married were all based on the author's interpretation of the Bible, and the authors were all white, evangelical men who held complementarian values. As a result, my ideas about marriage revolved around sex (making sure the husband was getting enough that he wouldn't sin), leadership (the man has the final say, but he needs to love his wife), and prioritizing the marital relationship.

These books didn't help with the issues that were causing problems in my marriage, and some made them worse. I felt used during sex and so avoided having it (the idea that sex was for our mutual pleasure was a game changer). My husband spent so much time at his job that he rarely saw the kids and needed to catch up on sleep on the weekends: I was completely overwhelmed with the kids and housework. I talked about what's bothering me with my family and friends far more than my husband. We have a "divide and conquer" approach to managing the household tasks, which has led to us spending most of our days and evenings apart. "The Marriage She Wants" offers clear explanations of what the underlying issues were, and how to improve our relationship.

On first reading, two sections of "The Marriage You Want" that impacted me the most. Chapter Two discusses the "Marriage Hierarchy of Needs", which applies Maslow's hierarchy of needs to marriage. While a mom of two little kids, one with special needs, I spent years living at the bottom of the triangle ("Surviving"), but not realizing why I was struggling so much. The "Hierarchy of Needs" would have given me the concept and words to express what I was going through. At the time, I couldn't identify why I was so frustrated with my husband nor could I articulate what I needed from him. I didn't understand the mental load (discussed more in Chapter 6) nor why I felt overwhelmed when I "worked" fewer hours than him.

The last section of the book is on "Emotional Connection". In reading it, I realized that there are simple steps my husband and I can take to grow closer. Our approach to our day-to-day household tasks and parenting the kids has led to us drifting apart. Of the five levels of intimacy (surface talk, facts, opinions, feelings and vulnerability), we rarely reach the deepest two. The Gregoires offer practical advice on how to improve in this area. I hope to discuss and implement their recommendations with my husband once he has read the book.

I have avidly consumed Sheila Wray Gregoire's work since I was introduced to it: I follow her on Instagram, listen to many of her podcast episodes, and read her books. "The Marriage You Want" is not a remix of her previous work, which focuses on identify harmful teachings in the evangelical world. Instead, it offers ideas on how to create a marriage that is truly a partnership between two different people who have equal worth.

She Deserves Better: Raising Girls to Resist Toxic Teachings on Sex, Self, and Speaking Up is the book I wish my university church leaders had read. I have recommended it to everyone I know who has or works with kids, because it identifies the purity culture teachings that are harmful to girls and women. I think the chapter on consent along is worth the purchase.

"The Great Sex Rescue" is the book I wish I'd read before getting married. Gregoire's discussions on obligation sex have helped me understand my own issues with sex; the evangelical teachings about sex hurt my husband and my sexual relationship far more than they helped.

Now we have "The Marriage You Want", which shows the way to a better future.

I received an advance copy of this book through NetGalley and the author's launch team after pre-ordering the book on Amazon. All opinions are my own.

Book review!
If you read any book on marriage this year, this is the one you need to read.
That's a bold statement, but I will stand by it. This book is all I have hoped to find in a Christian marriage book.
As someone who loves to deep dive study topics, I have deep dived marriage books. I've read every single big name Christian marriage book out there, and have been left more frusterated, more hopeless, more confused and honestly, more angry every single time. What do you mean I can never understand my husband?! It's MY fault if he isn't happy?! I'm not allowed to disagree with him?! Hold up, him putting his own dishes away needs to be praised?! I can't ask for a break or ever say no?! None of this seems right. None of this feels accurate for my relationship. None of this seems like how Jesus treated others. Why?! Why is this the advice given?
Point blank... it's because there was no actual research done for backing in Christian marriage books... until now. And proof of what works and what doesn't really does make a difference. Our marriages should reflect Jesus, they should point others to Him, they should WORK. So the advice we accept should help, not hinder.
The Marriage You Want is FILLED with charts of data explaining the findings of a properly done, thousands of people participating, survey to give a more accurate view as to what helps vs harms a marriage.
Sheila and Keith have broken down this book into 4 simple sections based on the acronym BARE: Balance, Affection, Responsibility and Emotional connection. Each section is filled with practical help to build a marriage that feels like home, to lift the struggle off, and is backed with data showing how each major point changes the overall marriage satisfaction as well as sexual satisfaction in the relationship.
I like data. This book is filled with it! And explains it in a way that makes it easily understood.
To finish, this book makes sense. This advice and truth makes sense. This has the potential to change marriages so that we don't share the same divorce stats in the church as out of it. This is key. You can be happy in your marriage. You can. It's worth it. I want that for you too.

Are you looking for a Christian marriage book but don't want one with gimicks, pat answers, or one that just tells you to do more and be better and pray more, (as if you hadn't already thought of that)?

The Marriage You Want is grounded in peer reviewed research by people who love Jesus and hold their understanding of how we should live out following Him based on His own call in scripture to examine the fruit that is produced to determine the goodness of the tree. For far too long the Christian world has put out books that have rotten fruit, and that is such a shame and not necessary for Bible believers to cling to interpretations that consistently lead to such harm. These authors hold views that look so much more like Jesus, and have evidence to back up what actually produces health and longevity in relationships. It is such a breath of fresh air, and even a big boost in faith.

This book does not have quick fixes, gimicks, or vending machines promises. It is practical, profound, and insightful. They understand trauma, addiction, abuse and manipulation, and do not seek to add more to your plate in an effort for one person to do all of the work and be left with more burdens and disappointment.

I also truly believe it deeply reflects the heart of God in such a meaningful way that your faith will be bolstered and you may even find breakthroughs in your understanding of the way that God tenderly loves and cares for you. He sees you, sees your whole story, and wants to help lift your burdens and not leave you alone and discouraged.

Their take on the heirarchy of needs within marriage was so brilliant and profound- I found it to be such important content for creating strong partnership and understanding with one another that leads to flourishing for the whole family.

I highly recommend this book if you're looking for genuine advice for how to improve your relationship, grow closer in partnership, and gain deeper understanding and respect for your spouse that goes beyond the surface and into deep lasting unity.

Oh how I wish I’d had this book decades ago! It’s a breath of fresh air in a smog filled category. My mind is buzzing with all I learned and will have to unlearn due to toxic belief systems. Thank you, Sheila and Keith, for putting in the work to bring us this refreshing, yet practical book on what a healthy marriage looks like. I thoroughly enjoyed reading every word and will recommend it every chance I get. This really should be the new required reading for couples about to get married.

What an amazing work about marriage with both Scripture and Research to walk through the ways the couples are the most happy in their marriages.

I appreciated the real life anecdotes and ways that both men and women contribute to both problems and solutions. It didn’t demean one gender over the other or even lay the solution on one or the other.

The Marriage You Want

If you’ve read Sheila’s other books this is much like them, but packed in a more positive frame (here’s how to build a healthy marriage) rather than a negative (here’s what’s harmful about a lot of evangelical teaching in the church).

There are truly too many great things about this book for 1 review. I think this read is wonderful for a soon to be married, newly married, or older married couples. Honestly even single friends could benefit from this book as they could look for and try to build a relationship from the get go that is healthy and kind.

One of the points that stood out most to me is when she points out a lot of the message about marriage is that it’s “hard”. I cannot tell you how many times I heard that message from my church and at weddings. I would say that was a key theme in teaching I received- marriage is hard! But marriage wasn’t hard for us- so we tried to tell newly married or engaged people how wonderful it was. But instead of being thankful and praising God, I would sometimes think “hmm, marriage isn’t hard for us, so maybe we aren’t doing it right?” So I really resonated with this teaching:

“Marriage is hard,” we’d phrase it as “Life is hard. But marriage is meant to make it easier!”….

She goes on:

Yes, life is hard. Yes, marriage takes a set of skills that takes time to master. But when you approach your spouse and your marriage with curiosity, and when your spouse does the same, then marriage doesn’t have to be some heavy weight you carry your whole life. Instead, marriage can be the relationship that helps you bear life’s burdens as you run up the hill together.

Throughout the book there is an image of teamwork. I can honestly say that mentality has been so helpful in our marriage. I want to be a good teammate! Here’s what she says about teamwork:

As you read this book, we want to ask you to think of marriage as a team enterprise. You are teammates working toward the same goal. You are partners who need to look out for each other. Imagine having a marriage in which instead of asking, “What can my spouse give me?” you ask, “How can we create the best team ever?”

I threw away most of my Christian Non-Fiction books. They heaped on guilt, shame, and performance mentality—- ESPECIALLY the ones about marriage. This would be one of 2 books about marriage I would actually recommend!

The teaching is practical, but not prescriptive. Because contrary to a lot of church teaching God doesn’t spend a tremendous amount of time explicitly laying out HOW every marriage should look like. Just like our relationship with God is deeply personal and varies from person to person, so does a Godly marriage.

It’s encouraging and challenging- I honestly can’t say any Christian marriage book I read gave me hope. I always felt less than, scared, and guilty.

Definitely recommend!

The Marriage You Want by Sheila Wray Gregoire is a must-read for anyone in marriage. This book is packed with practical, research-backed observations that offer a fresh perspective on common marriage challenges so often overlooked in other Christian marriage books. The authors provide clear, evidence-based guidance while thoughtfully acknowledging that some marriages may not be safe and require professional support. They then direct all readers to valuable resources in the appendix. With its engaging approach, this book delivers practical advice that I’ll be applying immediately in my own marriage. Highly recommended!

If you want to strengthen an already strong marriage, or if your marriage is struggling, or if you're just starting out - this is the book for you!

The Marriage You Want is filled with genuine stories from Keith & Sheila's marriage, such as their heartbreak over the loss of their infant son, how Sheila learned to adapt to life in a smaller community after growing up in a large city, how Keith balanced/balances a his pediatric practice with marriage and family life. There are also stories contributed by those who have written to Bare Marriage.

I appreciate how the personal stories are balanced with evidence based information, stats, peer reviewed studies, and decades long research programs from well respected experts. I recognized the names of many of those referred to, such as Dr. John Gottman, whose books on marriage and relationships are also exceptional.

Just like other books written by Sheila, as well as the other book Keith has co-authored, The Marriage You Want first helps you identify the root issues (I really liked being reminded how important it is to keep asking, "Why?") and then offers practical solutions. Not just solutions in theory, but things that actually work.

The information in this book should interest both women and men. It's not a "men are to blame for everything going wrong," or a "women just need to be more active in the bedroom department" book, either. In fact, it dismantles both of those myths quite handily. It reminds couples they are a team, both equally important and on the same side, pulling together.

It's applicable to marriages of all stages. Even though I've been married for 23 years, I found myself pausing many times while reading to stop and think as what I read hit home. It's also a great book for newlyweds, and is definitely a book I'll be buying to give to my children when they are preparing for marriage, as well.

I had already pre-ordered this book when I was invited to read an advanced copy and give an honest review.

Where was this book when I got married! I have read most of the major Christian books about marriage and I found them either unhelpful or even harmful. This book is full of wise, evidence-based advise and counseling for your marriage. Do you want a mutual, engaging, friendly marriage? Then this is the book for you.

I thought my marriage growing into a team was just a matter of personal preference, or a circumstantial mix of luck and intuition. Turns out it's divine common sense, and Sheila presents this positive message in a delightfully low-pressure and attainable way.