This audiobook of At Dark, I Become Loathsome has excellent production values and a talented narrator.
LaRocca's previous book was among my favorite 2024 releases. I was excited to get this. That cover tantalized me for weeks.

This is well-written, lyrical and aprupt by turns, and incorpoates online chats and stories within the story. The main character was off-putting, intentionally. He's been through terrible things and has found dark ways to cope. There's a lot of care taken in establishing his emotional and mental state and the choices he makes.

Many scenes are vivid and disturbing. This will be a major favorite book for some readers. I found it grim and depressing. Some of it was unpleasant for personal reasons. I appreciate the author's skill in creating the kind of book he wanted to write. I'm simply not the audience for this particular novella.

Thank you, Blackstone Publishing | Big Bald for the ALC for consideration. These are solely my own opinions.

My journey with this book began on accident. I requested it because I thought it was a regular arc copy and when I got approved I realized I’d accidentally requested an audiobook. I decided well… I think it might be better just to get this book out of the way and listen to it as soon as possible. So I did. I did not however, expect how enraptured I was going to be by this story. The narrator made me fall in love very much with audiobooks. I had never listened to an audiobook before, but his performance compels you to listen and hold on to every word he says.

I loved the experience that this audiobook gave me. Andrew’s guttural and dark voice lead you deeper and deeper into the psyche of the unusual Ashley Lutin who lost his wife and son and has a very dark past time.

This book is the connection between us and our darkest selves. It’s the still small voice in our heads that tell us to do something we shouldn’t. Ashley listens to this voice and at first, he may not have been the monster he said he was, but that changes as the story goes on. We learn of his darkest desires. His weird obsession with a blog of a man who was in love with his husbands cancer. Ashley’s desire to take his “ritual” further. The darkness of Ashley eventually solidifies into true horror.

The writing is beautifully done. I finished this book in 2 days and I would’ve listened to it in one sitting if that had been a possibility. ‘At Dark, I become Loathsome’ is a horror novel that will grab you by the throat and have your eyebrows raise many times with you wondering, “did I just read that?” …. “Yes.. that is what that says..”.

I also have much to say on the ending, because the ending is… a lot. However, I will not spoil this book. The experience is something that is best when there are no expectations. All I can say is I was very much entertained the entire time I was listening to this story.

If you are interested in reading this please pick up the audiobook. It is that fireside horror story vibe and it’ll keep you fully invested from beginning to end.

Thanks to Netgalley and Blackstone Publishing for this audiobook.

If you have never read any story by Eric Larocca, I would definitely suggest you start with this one. This book is by far his best work to date in my opinion. The ending of this book was chef's kiss and left me wanting to read more of his other works. This story might not be for everyone since it's not horror but splatterpunk meaning it's filled with depraved and disturbing scenes that touches sensitives topics such as religion, grief and sexual perversion.

A must read for fan of extreme/splatterpunk horror.

🎧ALC REVIEW🎧
📚At Dark, I Become Loathsome
🎤Narrated by Andrew Eiden

This novella was totally different than what I was expecting. It is a heartbreaking & honestly very sad story of a man whose almost paralyzed with grief from losing his wife then the disappearance of his beloved son.

The writing is surprisingly beautiful and poetic despite the sad & morbid themes that run through the story. Ashley is riddled with guilt over the disappearance of his son, believing he's responsible. As he struggles to exist in the world, he's also struggling with his feelings over his sexuality.

One night he posts, "If you're reading this, you've likely thought that the world would be a better place without you." I know what you're thinking, he offers himself up to help others end their lives. Not quite, but instead he creates "a ritual" that people can pay for where he assists others like himself, rid & cleanse themselves of the extreme grief & sorrow that they've been carrying around through life.

A young man named Jinx inquires about "the ritual" and agrees to his help. Speaking with him several times, Ashley's attraction to the man increasingly grows & he loathes himself even more because of the thoughts he's having over him. The plot twist that happens next was one I did not see coming. I don't know if I liked it or loathed it to be honest.

The phrase written by the author, "Only through pain can we find healing. Only through death can we find new life," pretty much sums this one up. It's a dark & sorrowful story about the inability to move past grief & sadness.

🎧Let's talk narration: Honestly, if it wasn't for the amazing narration from Andrew Eiden, I'm not sure I would have continued through this entire novella despite the short length. He was totally captivating. Regardless of the dark subject matter, Eiden totally sucked me into Ashley's story & I had to find out how this would end. His performance was amazing as he told the emotional & depressing story. Voicing multiple characters, his talent was beguiling in a weird sort of way. I didn't want to sink into Ashley's world but Eiden's voice work grabbed me & didn't let me go.

I don't think this book is for everyone by any means. I'm not sure I would have even picked it up myself but knowing Eiden was narrating is what drew me to it in the first place. It was haunting & disturbing but the narration kept me going.

Release Date: January 28th, 2025
Content Warnings include: Drug use, loss of a child, loss of a spouse, death by suicide (attempted), animal abuse, depression, anxiety, homophobia, some blood.

Thank you Netgalley, Eric LaRocca and Blackstone Publishing for an advanced copy of the audiobook to review. All thoughts are my own.

#AtDarkIBecomeLoathsome #NetGalley.

10/10 for narrator! he pulled you in the second the story started!

this was such a great story! it was depressing and felt like such a complete novel. the writing was extremly lyrical and it wasnt as grotesque as his other work. so many time my jaw dropped and i just couldnt wait to find out what was going to happen next!

thank u netgalley, eric, and the publisher for this audio

At Dark, I Become Loathsome is a bold and haunting novella that delves into grief, self-loathing, and the complex ways we process trauma. It follows the story of Ashley, a widower burdened by his wife’s death and his son’s disappearance, who devises an unusual ritual to assist those contemplating suicide.

While the premise is intriguing and the prose often lyrical, the execution feels uneven. The story becomes repetitive at times, cycling through Ashley’s inner turmoil in a way that feels redundant rather than revelatory. Despite being classified as horror, the narrative leans more heavily into sadness than genuine fright, making it more of a psychological drama than a chilling tale.

The “story-within-a-story” aspect, or story-ception, adds an interesting layer, but it occasionally disrupts the flow rather than enriching the main narrative.

On a more positive note, the audiobook narrator does a fantastic job, bringing the characters and their emotions to life in a way that elevates the text.

Overall, At Dark, I Become Loathsome is a deeply emotional novella and while it did not entirely live up to its potential, it’s a unique exploration of grief and identity that will resonate with some readers more than others.

I think LaRocca has undeniable talent. The writing is amazing. I did find this to be really repetitive. I also didn’t like the characters. The story also felt really graphic in unnecessary ways. There were several graphic elements that just didn’t work for me.

A very unsettling and depressing read, a man battling his grief and his loss, his descent into the darkness that he believes he deserves.
I was intrigued by the main storyline, but the various mini stories interspersed in between were too gruesome and horrific for my tastes. The morbid fascination with death and disease, the overtly sexual undertones, the mentality of the main character — all points that didn’t really help me enjoy this read more.
I did enjoy the audiobook, the narrator’s voice was very captivating, but the book itself wasn’t my genre of horror.

Overall, the premise is interesting and intriguing. Writing is good, but I found it preachy and repetitive towards the end. If you love unreliable narrators, then you’ll love this.

I found this book really interesting in the way that it explores not only grief, but the experience of those with an “abnormal” psyche of some kind. This is my first Eric Larocca book and it was definitely an experience. This one is definitely the more dark, twisted, and “sick” side of horror, which I really didn’t mind and I think that’s because this genre allows for the exploration of these themes with little to no judgement.

It's been a week and I'm still not entirely sure how I feel about this book. On the one hand, I enjoy reading dark books and I don't mind when things get weird. The weirder the better for me, honestly. I do feel like many of those dark scenes were more for the shock factor than to benefit the story. Like those couple moments we get where the secondary characters are telling the main character a story (the story within a story). It felt long and unnecessary (I lost track of what was really happening/what the point was during the middle of both stories), though I suppose there was no way to incorporate those scenes into the story itself because they were so, so out there...

I do think, personally, I emotionally disconnected from this book from the start simply because our protagonist's missing/dead son has the same name as my daughter... I was scared toward the end we were going to get some detail about what happened to the son that I really didn't want to hear, so I'm glad that wasn't the case.

I feel like Eric LaRocca was trying to say something with this book and the side stories that totally went over my head. Many other reviewers said it was a great portrayal of grief, and while I'm not sure I agree with that, I did find it entertaining for entertainment's sake. And I am still wondering wtf I just read, so that's always a plus!

t Dark, I Become Loathsome, in short, is the story of the dark decent of a grieving husband/father.

Andrew Eiden is one of my all time favorite narrators. I am used to hearing him narrate romance novels under his pseudonym Teddy Hamilton, so to say I was pleasantly surprised to hear his voice when I opened up this horror audiobook is an understatement. His voice was oddly comforting given the dark and gruesome content, and I appreciated it. The narration was slightly slow and I think it feels normal paced at around 1.25 - 1.5x speed. I thought Andrew Eiden did a great job reciting Eric LaRocca's poetic prose.

This one seemed to be heavy handed on the poetry, even more so than his previous works - sometimes it was overdone and didnt flow as naturally as it could have. Another aspect that didnt work for me was the over sexualized scenes. I found myself rolling my eyes and grimmacing through those parts. I understand one getting piercings to cope with life's pain, as the main character did, but the depiction of facial piercings being something ugly and horrorfying also didnt work for me.

I felt like this book started off really strong, and was shaping up to be my favorite of LaRocca's, but in the middle, the plot would get lost sometimes in the main characters thoughts and LaRocca's prose. There were parts of the ending that I really liked, but at the same time it felt abrupt.

Thank you Netgalley, Blackstone Publishing - Audiobooks, and Eric LaRocca for the advanced listening copy.

4.5
Eric LaRocca continues to be one of my favorite horror authors and this book is his best yet.
At Dark, I Become Loathsome is a perfect example of what I love about their writing, the way the story is told through different media, the story within the story, and the compelling and deeply unsettling path in takes. with his works I always feel a morbid curiosity that I have to continue to the bitter end.
I listened to the audiobook in one sitting and absolutely devoured it. I couldn't bring myself to put it down. The narrator did a fantastic job of being able to bring the story to life.

*thank you to Netgalley and the publisher for the ALC

4⭐️

First of all this cover?! Amazing!

*TW* Grief, depression, suicidal thoughts, child death, cancer, SA, child abuse, homophobia, plus more

This is a spatter punk that deals with grief and depression. While this book deals with heavy topics (as many spatter punks do) I found the writing very captivating. I was doing this on audio and simply couldn't stop listening.

Even with that being said it was missing something for me to put it in the five star area but I'm honestly not sure what that is.

This was an arc sent to me in exchange for an honest review.

This was absolutely so dreadfully beautiful. It’s so wrong that it’s right. I think one of the most wonderful things about Larocca’s writing is he manages to create something so dark, poetic, so full of grime, yet it’s absolutely beautiful and true if you are willing to see it for what it is. It scratches a place in my brain like no one else does.
This book is about pain, grief, loneliness, lust, acceptance or lack there of, suicidal ideation and so much more.
It’s heavy but oh my god I thinks it’s amazing.
I usually dislike audiobooks but I actually enjoyed this one!
At dark I become loathsome.
Thank you to the publisher and netgalley for the copy!

Feelings evoked by AT DARK I BECOME LOATHSOME by Eric LaRocca —-
Some people take pleasure from other people’s pain, while others feel pain when they see others succeed. Life can be devastating and AT DARK I BECOME LOATHSOME starts off trying to help find a light in the dark.
Few authors can shove horror in your face and make you realize you are looking into a mirror. To me this book feels like a personal essay of someone that you connect with on a deep level, of someone that you wish you could be, or at least bring that persona forward. Sure, the main character Ashley really doesn’t like himself, but how many of us do?
It’s all so honest and raw, unrelenting in its bleak emotion yet beautiful like pearls of blood that spring forth from a razor’s slice.
There are a couple of side stories that are thrown at Ashley, with shock value being the obvious reason. They are descriptive and uncomfortable which is what we are looking for in a LaRocca story.
The overall story arc is one blow after another as Ashley’s story unfolds. Go into this blind as I did and let the sadness bury you alive.
Eric is brilliant at showing us misery and suffering while reminding us to not take anything for granted.
Releasing January 28th

I can't put a simple star rating on this book. Gun to my head, I'd put a 4 on it for my personal experience. However, for those that revel in psychosexual horror that pushes the limits, this would easily be a 5-star read. Those with a weak constitution - maybe don't read it haha.

In many ways, this book disturbed me, repulsed me, and made me want to stop reading—and it is clearly intentionl. Yet, LaRocca is such an excellent writer that I wanted to keep going, to see what gorgeous, disgusting line would follow next. This novel enraptured me. Even though it's over, I feel its pull on me, the heavy pit it left in my gut. The experience of reading this was a dark, magical feat by a gifted author.

Thank you to Eric LaRocca, NetGalley, and Blackstone publishing for providing me an audiobook Arc of this novel in exchange for an honest review.

Larocca has such a dark and unique voice. His tales are both beautiful and grotesque, twisted and engaging at the same time. Since he burst onto the scene a few years ago he hasn't let up. It's nice to see him mature and grow as a writer and I look forward to many more works from him. A must read author for sure. I will read whatever this guy puts out there.

LaRocca makes these 4+ Stars look easy.

Thank you to the publisher and to Net Galley for providing me with an audio arc of this title.

At Dark, I Become Loathsome is a book which explores the darkest thoughts and actions of humans and how grief can permanently alter people. Please read the trigger warnings before reading this book. This is not gory or spooky horror, but psychologically grotesque horror.
We follow a psychopathic main character who, after losing his family, turns to harming others. The book opens with the main character performing a live burial service for clients. I found this to be an interesting concept. I though the ways in which he views the world and his actions were well written, as well as the guilt he feels towards his late family. This central plot of the story (the burials and his grief) was interesting and well done. However, there are also sections within this book that are basically mini stories that the main character is hearing. These sections felt out of place and introduced a sadistic plotline which is all too common for LaRocca. This is the sixth title I have read by LaRocca, and I am getting tired of the reoccurring theme of sadism. It is purposefully uncomfortable and used to explores the darkest human actions, I understand this. But, after having seen this theme in several LaRocca titles, they are losing their impact. Instead of being crucial to this title, the sadism read as pure torture porn. I will use this information to be far more discerning about what I picked up from LaRocca in the future.

Eric LaRocca’s At Dark, I Become Loathsome is an experience unlike any other—a novel that both captivated and unsettled me, pushing me far beyond my comfort zone. It’s a story steeped in pain, darkness, and the rawest parts of human existence, and while I found it masterfully written, it was also deeply challenging and, at times, deeply unpleasant to read.

The novel follows Ashley Lutin, a man drowning in grief after the loss of his wife and the disappearance of his child. Ashley copes by creating a grim ritual meant for those on the edge of life and death—people who want to die but secretly yearn for a second chance. This ritual is not a path of healing or comfort but one of brutal self-confrontation, forcing participants to endure the kind of suffering that reveals truths they might rather keep buried.

When Ashley meets Jinx, a stranger who agrees to undertake the ritual, their lives collide in a storm of guilt, trauma, and revelation. What follows is a descent into a nightmarish reality where boundaries blur—between life and death, salvation and damnation, and perhaps most disturbingly, love and destruction.

What stands out most about LaRocca’s writing is how unflinchingly he portrays these dark themes. While the rest of the book doesn’t quite reach the brilliance of its opening chapter, it remains a haunting and worthwhile read. The prose is hauntingly beautiful, almost lyrical, which contrasts sharply with the horror and depravity of the subject matter. That contrast is part of what makes the book so uncomfortable—it’s hard to look away even when the content becomes almost unbearable.

Listening to this book in audiobook was difficult at times, for the graphic nature of some scenes but also because of the format. There’s a particular chapter, told entirely through text messages, that was especially complicated to follow in audio form. While the story itself was gripping, the format made it challenging to fully grasp the nuance and pacing of the exchanges, pulling me briefly out. It’s one section where I think the written format might have worked better for clarity.

This is not an easy book to listen to and it’s certainly not for everyone. It felt like LaRocca was intentionally pushing me to the brink, asking me to confront the ugliest parts of human existence, both in the story and within myself. It’s the kind of book that leaves you drained but also introspective, forcing you to wrestle with uncomfortable questions long after you’ve finished it.

I can’t say I enjoyed reading At Dark, I Become Loathsome in the traditional sense, but I absolutely respect and admire what LaRocca has achieved here. It’s a book that dares to go to places most authors wouldn’t, and while it left me shaken, it’s a story I won’t forget anytime soon. If you’re willing to be challenged—emotionally, psychologically, and morally—then this is a novel that will take you to the edge and hold you there.