This was my first experience reading Eric LaRocca's work and I thought the writing was fabulous and really well done. I was very into the story overall and I liked Ashley - he is a complicated character struggling with grief and his own identity but ultimately had a lot of love for his family. I opted to give 3 stars because there were a lot of elements of shock value, body horror, and some animal violence which I am not into, despite usually enjoying the horror genre, so I found some of the book gratuitously disturbing. The book also had a lot of digressions into other stories that I found a little distracting. Overall though, I enjoyed the ride of listening to this book and it absolutely held my interest. I've already recommended it to a few friends who enjoy this type of book and I would like to give some of Eric LaRocca's other works a read.

I listened to this as an audiobook and I wondered if that had an impact on how I felt about the book. I think I would have enjoyed it more if I read it, instead of listened to it, so I think I'll give that a try. I would've loved to see some of the internet chat conversations and excerpts of Ashley's ritual handbook written on a page, rather than read aloud to me. The repetitive reciting of the screen names and things that a reader can usually absorb by glossing over were all read aloud and it was a bit annoying IMO. I'd definitely recommend reading this as a book instead of an audiobook.

Thank you, Netgalley and Blackstone Publishing for the audiobook in exchange for an honest review! <3

#AtDarkIBecomeLoathsome #netgalley

*****Thank you Net Galley for supplying this book in exchange for my honest review*****
I will read anything Eric puts out. The audiobook narration paired with LaRocca’s eerie prose made for one spooky read and a few sleepless nights on my end. Great read!

At Dark, I Become Loathsome by Eric LaRocca
🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
Wow! This is an intense, stressful, creepy and fantastic horror story!
The story focuses on Ashley and the grief and traumas he has gone through in life. Now he is offering a “helping” service to others.
The writing is excellent and it kept me thinking and feeling the whole time! The story is deep, dark and emotional!
Thank you to NetGalley for an audio arc of this amazing book. The narrator was wonderful!
I can’t wait to read more from this author!
*It’s out now, so get your copy!*

I was sadly not able to finish this story.
About a third of the way through, there was a graphic event that felt disturbing to me in it's telling, and I realized that I was not the audience for this book.
Prior to that event, I felt that the grief displayed by the main character was well written and I was interested to see where the story would go. Unfortunately, I did not foresee the even darker and more graphic sexual direction that it took, nor was it in the synopsis (certainly for good reasons).
I will refrain from posting reviews on any other sites since I did not finish.

If this is not a turn-off for you, then by all means proceed.

first things first: the narrator of this audiobook is absolutely wonderful. this kind of novel can be tough to get right in terms of narration, but andrew eiden's work here was balanced, genuine, and probably my favorite part of the entire thing.

this is my first experience an eric larocca novel. his prose can be beautiful, while at other times it can veer into the melodramatic. the repetitive language feels intentional and calculated given the short span of the book. for example, the phrase "at dark i become loathsome" is seen so often that it begins to feels like an incantation, a chant, a way for main character ashley to force himself to believe that he really is this terribly monstrous thing (from what i can tell, he only does one actually bad thing?). in reality, he's just heavily pierced (is that supposed to be scary? he sure seems to think so), weak-willed, and begrudgingly bisexual. it's as if he thinks that playing the part of a loathsome monster will allow him to avoid confronting his actual feelings about who he is and what he's done.

my main issue with this book is that it feels less like a coherent, compelling narrative and more like a vehicle for a handful of the author's story ideas that he didn't have the time or energy to flesh out into their own individual novels. their inclusion doesn't do much other than to add gore and shock value for readers (in terms of gross-out levels, think of chuck palahniuk's "guts") in an otherwise pretty tame read that wants to be darker than it is. this isn't my usual genre, but even i found myself asking "wait, was that it??"
 
thank you to blackstone publishing for the copy of this audiobook on netgalley in exchange for an honest review.

As a self proclaimed Eric LaRocca fan, this has by moved up to top three in the works they have written. It was dark, gruesome, horrifying...but my god was it also beautiful. I finished it in three hours unable to put it down and was engrossed immediately after the first chapter and could not put it down. Eric LaRocca continues to improve in their writing and complex storytelling and the way they navigated grief, trauma, and love through through his writing is beautiful. As long as Eric LaRocca continues to write, I will continue to read his work.

Let me start by saying that I believe the pacing and the writing was consistent and engaging. The narration was fantastic and gave the MMC a voice that was filled with emotion. About midway through the book the content was too disturbing for me. I could not finish the rest of the book. I have a difficult time reading about children in certain situations.

Thank you to NetGalley for the audiobook arc copy of this book!

I actually had ended up buying the audiobook and book in person the day before I was approved for the ARC copy since it was approved late, so I ended up already reading this last night. I received the notice I was approved today, and I hadn't written my review yet, so just throwing it out there that I both received and ARC AND bought this in person haha. I was excited for this one and didn't think I was going to be approved.

This book was interesting - it really lured me in, the writing was very good. This felt like an onion with several layers you had to pull back to get to the core of the story.

The subject matter was very unnerving sometimes and I'm not entire sure how to feel about some parts about this. Some parts made me really uncomfortable.

However, this book ultimately left me staring at a wall at the end wondering WTF I just read, and I'm still wondering a whole day later. This is not a bad thing - I'm just processing it - much like the main character is processing his grief.

Anyway, I enjoyed this - I'm partially still trying to understand, but I did enjoy it! I would definitely recommend this one to others - but there is a lengthy amount of triggers, so look out for those. This was my first read from this author, but I will be checking out the rest of their work as I already own a few other books!

Deeply disturbing and thought-provoking, I could not stop listening to At Dark, I Become Loathsome. The narrator truly brought the book to life. I was worried for the chat log scenes, as those can often be difficult to listen to in audiobook format (due to the repeating of usernames), but the narrator pitched his voice to heighten the dialogue and diminish the usernames in a way that made those scenes feel as seamless as typical dialogue. It's a niche book for only those who can stomach its darkest aspects, but definitely a must-read horror novel of the year.

This book is about Ashley Lutin who, whilst in the depths of grief from losing first his wife and then later his son (in more mysterious circumstances), posts on an online board encouraging people to message him if they want 'purification' and a renewed love for life. For them he performs a ritual to help them with depression and suicidal ideation which seems to help, while he battles with is own declining mental health.

I really enjoyed this book, as usual Eric LaRocca creates incredibly unique perspectives and vivid imagery which, while sometimes grotesque, really keep you enthralled the whole time. The audio book was also excellently read and really added to the suspense.

I really liked how chapters presented pieces of newspaper articles, online posts and pieces from his manuscript so we could understand the greater context of what was happening in Lutin's life. It also means we learn about what happened slowly and over time which builds the suspense and makes you wonder how the protagonist is really involved. The inclusion of the stories also creates a disturbing and odd break to the main story and leaves you questioning which parts are true and which are purely fiction. I loved how they were peppered throughout and stood alone being as brutal, and bizarre as the greater story.

Overall a horror story that blends gore, queerness, sex and brutality together in a fantastic way. Eric LaRocca remains one of my auto-buy authors!

Grief does odd things to people. As expected from this Author there is an ending that makes you go huh.. but in a good way. this short book was really interesting and creepy/gross.

Disgusting and beautiful at once. My favorite of LaRocca's work thus far. Bleak and upsetting but still engaging. Ashley is a sympathetic yet imperfect protagonist who puts himself into some very disturbing situations. His story is compelling and haunting, but I also found myself extremely wrapped up in the journeys of minor characters as well. A detour into the lives of another couple (in which one of the partners is battling a terminal illness) almost stole the entire novel for me and elevated the themes of the main narrative. Grateful to Eric for pushing the boundaries of what queer representation can be. Definitely recommend if you want some eroticism and heart mixed in with your splatter and grotesquerie.

📚At Dark, I Become Loathsome by Eric LaRocca

CWs for death of a loved one, cancer, animal cruelty/death (involving dogs), suicidal thoughts, body horror, confinement, claustrophobia, homophobia/biphobia/transphobia, sexual assault, murder, death, and many more

Story: 3/5
Audiobook: 5/5 (narrated by Andrew Eiden)
Length: 4h51min

<b>Rating</b>: ⭐️⭐️⭐️/5

I received an ALC from NetGalley in exchange for an honest review 🖤

I listened to this audiobook during my work commute...I literally had a grimace on my face the entire drive (probably a weird sight for the other commuters). This was equal parts sad and horrific. Grief can be such a horrifying experience in the way that it alters your mind/body/soul, so it naturally fits well into the horror category. I thought this was a worth while read that dealt with some interesting themes. I do wish the end had gone in a different direction, something that would have given it a little bit more of a punch. There were also elements in the middle that I wish had been fleshed out a little more, but can also acknowledge there's only so much you can do with such few pages.

I listened to this on audio...10/1o would recommend, but listening to Teddy Hamilton/Andrew Eiden narrated a horror book was definitely a new experience!

Thank you, NetGalley, for the ALC copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.

This story was sick, gross, and messed up in so many ways! I LOVED it! 😂
At its core, it is an LGBTQ+ grief story but done in such a visceral way.
I am not usually a fan of short stories, but as far as they go this one didnt feel very rushed which is usually my biggest issue with them. I didn't love the ending, though, which is why it's getting 3 stars from me.

I would classify At Dark I Become Loathsome as splatterpunk horror. Those familiar with Eric LaRocca’s work will already expect the level of gratuitous violence and disturbing themes present here, and this book is no exception.

At its core, this is a harrowing descent into madness where a father spiraling after the death of his wife and the kidnapping of his son. Haunted by their voices, he crafts a grotesque "ritual" for suicidal individuals, offering them what he calls a "fake death." His own self perception, marked by his descriptions of his body and numerous facial piercings, paints him as someone who already sees himself as monstrous. By the end, that perception has become reality.

Despite the graphic nature of the story, LaRocca’s writing is stunning, lyrical, evocative, and deeply unsettling. The ambiguous ending lingers, leaving room for interpretation of the narrator's growth (?) in the best way. This is not a book for the faint of heart, nor would I recommend it to newcomers to LaRocca’s work. But for those who know what they’re getting into, this is a visceral, gut-wrenching, and beautifully horrifying read.

I loved this book and I love Eric LaRocca's writting style. I am so appreciative for this AAC. I don't think you need me to tell you to make sure you keep publishing this man's work!

TW/CW: Language, smoking, drug use, loss of child, death by suicide (attempt), cancer (graphic), animal abuse, animal death (graphic), grieving, mourning, depression, anxiety, homophobia, slur, SA of a child (graphic), blood, gore

*****SPOILERS*****
About the book:
“If you’re reading this, you’ve likely thought that the world would be a better place without you.”

A single line of text, glowing in the darkness of the internet. Written by Ashley Lutin, who has often thought the same—and worse—in the years since his wife died and his young son disappeared. But the peace of the grave is not for him—it’s for those he can help. Ashley has constructed a peculiar ritual for those whose desire to die is at war with their yearning to live a better life.

Struggling to overcome his own endless grief, one night Ashley finds connection with Jinx—a potential candidate for Ashley’s next ritual—who spins a tale both revolting and fascinating. Thus begins a relationship that traps the two men in an ever-tightening spiral of painful revelations, where long-hidden secrets are dragged, kicking and screaming, into the light.

Only through pain can we find healing. Only through death can we find new life.
Release Date: January 28th, 2025
Genre: Horror
Pages: - -
Rating: ⭐ ⭐ ⭐

What I Liked:
1. That cover is so good
2. Queer rep
3. The rules of the ritual
4. Fast read

What I Didn't Like:
1. Over-writtened sentances
2. Beautiful sentences that make no sense
3. Saying piercings on the face make you a monster
4. Repetitive
5. Author uses coffin instead of casket
6. Plotholes

Overall Thoughts:
{{Disclaimer: I write my review as I read}}

"SOMETIMES PAIN IS EARNED"

We meet a nameless man who finds people from fourms to bury them and have them be "reborn".

Right off the bat the main character reminded me of the Devil man from The Haunt movie.

Ashley is the characters name who performs these rituals.

I am shocked that Ashley is able to find people willing to be bathed by a stranger in an isolated area.

His wife is dead and he sees her "ghost" in the TV because it happens after he gets a phone call from a man that turns him on.

We get more clues into Ash's long time battle with his sexuality. Afterwards he gets a visit from his son, Bailey in his mom's wedding dress and the level of abuse that Ash had experienced through his own father is revealed when Ash's son says the neighborhood kids ripped the dress and called him what his dad called him too; a word that isn't told to us. You can use your imagination on what that word is.

Through a newspaper article we learned that his his wife, Pema died from breast cancer. A year later Bailey is abducted outside a store.

The detective on the case stops by to show Ash a photo of the hat that was found covered in blood. So now she informs them they'll be looking for a body instead of a missing person. It's also at this point we learn that Ash started getting the piercings after his wife died and then when his son went missing he continued to get more. I wish piercings weren't here by the author as a reminder to people that they are ugly. I don't like that.

Nice to see the return of chats in the author's book, but what is his obsession with stories inside other stores? We can survive on one book we don't need a story in a story in a story. This section was so long and boring and misplaced. Honestly it took me out if the story.

Another insect story....

17 pages of the most mismatched story in the middle of the book via chat format. Wth was that even supposed to be?? I was; lost, confused, bored, annoyed. The story ends with both parties leaving the chat. What's the point?

Ashes dick is hard again. That's 3 times we've had to read about it.
"Before I realize it, I’m on the threshold of an orgasm. I let out an agonized whimper and squirt molten cream across the computer keyboard."
What a yes to be alive so we can read gems like that!

Ash asks if the man read his profile and knows to bring cash when they meet up in three days, but when he get to Ash's profile section talking about the payment it doesn't say an amount.
"Cost for each client varies depending on the length of the procedure and includes both pre-care and aftercare for the ritual."
So how does this man know how much to show up? Actually how would anyone know how much to bring if the price isn't even set until after the ritual is done? Like the woman in the beginning she just pulls out a roll of bills to give to him afterwards but how did he know it was the right amount and how did she know she'd have enough?

Now Ashley believes that the only way to help these people that show up for the ritual should be put out of their mercy and actually just killed.

Make it make sense but Ashley creepily washes these people down with washcloths while they are naked in front of him, but then when the robe is handed to them they have to walk away naked to put the robe on. Why? That seems so weird. Dude is here scrubbing between her legs but when she gets dressed she has to hide away.

Does Ashley think he'd get away with this? He moved her car (no gloves). Has her buried in a casket that can link back to him. And buried her in a robe with his fibers all over it.

Omg I am over hearing about what a monster Ash is just because of his piercings. As though he is the first person to get piercings. He just sounds like the emo kid that keeps talking about different and he's not like other people are.

He ends up going back to get another casket from the funeral and the whole time I was just thinking why wouldn't he go back and get the woman out of the casket he buried her in and just put her in the ground. Why go to all the trouble of trying to get another casket when he already has a casket that's only been in the ground for a few days so it still be okay and she hasn't started really decomposing yet. Just go back and get your casket dude. In the end the funeral director does give him a new casket but then Ash starts questioning how he'll get a new casket every time. At this point I'm like just make your own out of wood.

Another story in the middle of the book we're at now. Cool. This is the story from the man that you read about earlier that has the blog. The blog was about how he gets turned on when his husband is diagnosed with colon cancer.

Tandy and Victor's story is just paragraph upon paragraph of Tandy talking about how he wants to pound his husband every second of the day now that he has cancer. Pretty repetitive. There is even a disturbing section where Tandy describes how he would be turned on by Victor if he got so thin as though he were a Holocaust Survivor. So yeah.....

Ashley meets Jinx, the new person to want to be buried and he also tells a dog story that ends in abuse.

Ashley starts talking to Jinx and even mentions his wife dying and son that is missing. He shows Jinx a photo of Bailey dressed up in a wedding dress but he was bothered by Bailey dressing up in women's clothing and had even one time called him a faggot, so why would Ashley had taken a photo of him dressed up? Seemed a little out of place for how Ashley reacted to Bailey dressing up to snap a photo of something you don't want want to remember that your kid does.

Jinx says he's the one that took Baily, which duh who didn't see that coming? So after this shocking admission Jinx slams the lid shut and rather than opening the casket to question him more Ash just buries him all the while questioning if he should then unbury him to question him further. Why wouldn't you have questioned him right when he said that? Who would want to spend 30 minutes thinking this dude was the one that possibly took him?

How did Jinx find and know that Ashley was Baily's father via Internet? It's not like he had his name on the forums.

Omg Jinx is literally telling Ashley that he took his son but rather than wait the story out of why and how Ashley just starts beating him and then immediately beating him so badly he can't even stay conscious. Let him talk if you want answers. Don't beat someone when they are talking. You beat someone who isn't talking!

Jinx sexually abused Baily and he talks about what he did to him. Then Jinx brings up the story in the chatroom and asks if Ashley got off on it. Ashley actually answers yes to this while talking to the man that raped his son and is in the middle of talking about the abuse. Just why dude why. What kind of parent would react in that way?

After beating him he leaves him in the school house bleeding out and tries to save the lady he buried alive. Of course she is dead. And we don't know if he returns to Jinx or turns himself in for murdering this lady.

I just remembered that when Ashley asked him to right some wrongs the only thing he had remorse for was the dog not what had happened to Baily. In Jinx' mind Baily didn't even make to the level of remorse of a dog.

Final Thoughts:
Say one of the biggest issues I have with the author's writing is that there's a lot of things that sound pretty, but make no sense. You definitely has a way with words but some things your left scratching your head like what did that even mean?
"I study the lines crisscrossing my palm— the wrinkles, the curves, the small forms carrying my spirit on an invisible conveyor belt I didn’t ask to ride."

I do find it a little offensive that to the author piercings make a person so hideous. As a person with many face piercings I didn't like that about Ash. It's like saying that the author thinks they are what makes people ugly and I found that odd.

So much of the authors writing almost always feels like it repeats itself;
• Grief
• Sexual restraints
• Insects
• Stories inside stories inside stories
• Repetitive sentances throughout book

I didn't like that the author kept using coffin when it's actually a casket that Ash was getting. Coffins have six sides and caskets have four sides which are what standard Funeral Home cell is a casket.

Speaking of caskets you also have to suspend your disbelief that Ash is able to pick up a casket and put it in a hole, removal from the hole, drag it back to the van, put it in the van, all while it's over a hundred and some pounds to 200lbs. I mean that's a lot. Oh and he digs a hole on site too.

Every story from this author seems to have some kind of obscene sexual undertone to it. I can't tell if he's trying to channel Dennis Cooper or if the author is trying too hard to come off shocking. Every book I have read from him so far has had the same two undertones; it's grief and sex. I would love to read something new from this author. Something that doesn't always come across as the same two subjects. Like Donnie Darko says;
"There are other things that need to be taken into account here, like the whole spectrum of human emotion. You can't just lump everything into these two categories and then just deny everything else."

This book started off so so good and I was enjoying myself but the countless stories inside stories and same undertone of books from the author just came of repetitive. If you've read one Eric LaRocca book you've pretty much read them all.

IG | Blog

Thanks to Netgalley and Blackstone Publishing for this advanced ebook. All thoughts and opinions are my own.

This pulled me in from the very first page, like a horrible nightmare... but in a good way. LaRocca is an evocative writer (and I adore his titles) and this felt more approachable to a wider audience than his previous work.

A wild, macabre, perverse look at grief and self-loathing. There are moments in this book that have remained with me, images that haven’t left my minds eye, and a short story that made my skin crawl. If the absolute atrocities of horror are your cup of tea, then prepare for your cup to runneth over with this one.

The narrator was incredible. The cadence of his voice really addd to the terror within the story.

This is the second work I've read by Eric LaRocca. At the heart of this, it's a story about grief. A deep grief that is full of shame and regret, it feels almost palpable at times in LaRocca's prose.

LaRocca does have a unique way of writing and brings in queer representation that is not often seen in horror works. It made me compelled to keep reading about how the main character moves through life after losing his wife and son. The opening really drew me in.

There are two stories within the main plot, both of which took me out of the story. One, I can see how it is connected to the main plot, but the other is still lost on me. With these, plus a long chat conversation, it feels like these were almost added to pad the page count and offer some cheap shock value. I am a huge horror fan, but having depraved situations added without substance, it rings hollow for me.

This is definitely splatterpunk, so be sure to check trigger warnings before diving in, if that could potentially be an issue. While I did have some issues with subplots, there was an interesting story being told.

I'd like to thank NetGalley and Blackstone Publishing for a copy of this book in exchange for my honest review.

Wow, the author takes some deep dark topics and subjects and sits alone with you in the dark with them.

What I love about Eric LaRocca is that they don't shy away, never hesitate - even with really tough, disturbing topics. In this one, we dig into depression, suicide ideation, and grief. We explore the fear and wonder of death and ,sometimes, it's tough to read but it's alluring. I love that this isn't one story but a story with many small stories, each from different people, layered into the story seamlessly. You can feel each story is tied to the person and each one was shocking and thought-provoking.

I did this as an audio and the narrator was SO good! 100% the dark was creepier even more for the narrator and the little moments of sped up narration and slight whispers at times. Sucked me in and held me. Disturbing but in the best, soul-touching way.

A huge thank you to the author and publisher for providing an e-ARC via Netgalley. This does not affect my opinion regarding the book.