This book was a refreshing and honest take on navigating modern relationships without overanalyzing every interaction. Isabelle encourages readers to ditch the therapy speak and stop obsessing over spotting red flags in every relationship, which can sometimes do more harm than good. The book is down to earth, relatable, and offers a balanced perspective, making it a helpful guide for anyone who feels overwhelmed by the current relationship discourse. While the advice is solid and practical, some sections feel a bit repetitive, but overall, it’s an insightful and thought provoking read. It’s a great reminder that not every conflict or misunderstanding is a sign of something toxic, and it’s okay to let go of the constant need for validation.

In "They're Not Gaslighting You", Dr. Isabelle Morley, a clinical psychologist and couples therapist, observes that terms like "gaslighting," "narcissist," and "toxic" are frequently misapplied, often leading to misunderstandings and strained relationships.

The book is incredibly insightful, especially in an era where "therapy speak" dominates social media and daily conversations. These psychological terms have become catch-all labels, sometimes oversimplifying complex human behavior and conflict.

One of the biggest strengths of this book is its balance between psychological insight and practical advice. Also, the writing is engaging and accessible, making complex psychological concepts easy to understand without feeling overwhelming.

Thank you so much to NetGalley, PESI Publishing and Isabelle Morley for the ARC!

[a copy of this book was provided to me by the publisher from netgalley. thank you!]

4.25⭐️

i found this self help book to be very informative as a person with narcissists in my life.

I’ve never highlighted a book as much as They’re Not Gaslighting You: Ditch the Therapy Speak and Stop Hunting for Red Flags in Every Relationship. 

Author Dr. Isabelle Morley gives us a timely book that rejects the reckless proliferation of the following terms: 

Sociopath
Psychopath
Love bomb
Narcissist
Boundaries
Borderline
Toxic
Gaslighting

I dated a woman for two years. Let’s call her Fatima.

In the second half of our relationship, Fatima bombarded me with many of the highly charged and often misused words listed above.

After she dumped me the fifth and final time, I finally pushed back on her barrage of accusations. I said to her, “So, you truly believe I’m a narcissist? Let’s look up the clinical definition of a narcissist and see how I stack up.”

She agreed.

Perplexity wrote:

"To be clinically considered as having Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) according to the DSM-5, an individual must exhibit at least five out of nine specific characteristics. These characteristics, as summarized by the acronym “SPECIAL ME,” include:

Sense of self-importance Exaggerating achievements and expecting to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements.
Preoccupation Being preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
Entitled Having unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with their expectations.
Can only be around people who are important or special Believing that they are “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).
Interpersonally exploitative Taking advantage of others to achieve their own ends.
Arrogant Showing arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.
Lack empathy Being unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
Must be admired Requiring excessive admiration.
Envious Often being envious of others or believing that others are envious of them.

These symptoms must be pervasive, apparent in various social situations, and consistently rigid over time. A qualified healthcare professional typically diagnoses NPD through a clinical interview. The traits should also substantially differ from social norms."

I asked Fatima how many of these nine characteristics I exhibited consistently, pervasively, and in many social situations. She agreed that I was nowhere near five of the nine.

Admittedly, I sometimes exhibited some of these nine characteristics in my intimate relationship with Fatima. I’m certainly guilty of that.

However, to qualify as a true narcissist, you must display at least five of these nine characteristics often and with most people, not just your partner.

To her credit, my ex-girlfriend sheepishly backed down from that accusation, saying, “You’re right, Francis, you’re not a narcissist.”

Later, I would educate her (or, as she would say, “mansplain”) about another of her favorite words: gaslighting. I mansplained by sending her a video clip of renowned couples therapist Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, who explained why standard disagreements and having different perspectives aren’t gaslighting. Soon after explaining that, Mrs. Gottman explains why, in some ways, “everybody is narcissistic.” Watch 6 minutes from 1:35:30 to 1:41:30:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H9kPmiV0B34&t=5730s

After listening to an expert define gaslighting, Fatima apologized for incorrectly using the term. This is what I loved about Fatima: she wouldn’t stubbornly cling to her position when presented with compelling evidence to the contrary. This is a rare trait I cherish.

Narcissists and sociopaths are about 1% of the population, so it’s highly unlikely that all your exes are narcissists and sociopaths.

Still, Fatima flung other popular, misused terms at me. She loved talking about “boundaries” and “red flags.” According to Dr. Morley, my ex “weaponized therapy speak.”  

Dr. Morley writes, “It’s not a new phenomenon for people to use therapy terms casually, even flippantly, to describe themselves or other people. How long have we referred to someone as a ‘psycho’ when they’re acting irrationally or being mean?”

Although weaponized therapy speak isn’t new, it’s ubiquitous nowadays. Dr. Morley’s book sounds the alarm that it’s out of control and dangerous.

Three types of people would benefit from Dr. Morley’s book:

1. People like Fatima: Does someone you know tend to denigrate people using therapy speak? Are they intelligent, rational, and open-minded like Fatima? If so, they must read this book to recalibrate how they use these powerful words.

2. People like me: Are you (or someone you know) accused of being a psychopath, a gaslighter, or a person with OCD?

3. Actual victims: The explosion of use of these powerful words has diluted their meaning. As a result, the real victims of narcissists and sociopaths are now belittled. Their true suffering is minimized when every other person has a sociopath in their life. Their grievances are severe. Let’s not equate our relationship problems with their terror.


I’ll list some of my favorite chapter titles, which will give you a flavor of the book’s message:

Chapter 4: Are They Gaslighting You, or Do They Just Disagree?
Chapter 5: Do They Have OCD, or Are They Just Particular?
Chapter 6: Is It a Red Flag, or Are They Just Imperfect?
Chapter 7: Are They a Narcissist, or Did They Just Hurt Your Feelings?
Chapter 9: Are They a Sociopath, or Do They Just Like You Less Than you Like Them?
Chapter 11: Did They Violate Your Boundaries, or Did They Just Not Know How You Felt?

CONCLUSION: Buy this book! 6 stars!

I liked this book! It is interesting to see that sometimes you are your own problem. This book gave some great examples and good ideas and tips on how to better yourself. I enjoyed it!

Thank you to NetGalley, to the author, and to the publisher for this complimentary ARC in exchange for my honest review!!!

It seems like everyone is using therapy speak to pathologize normal human emotions and conflicts. This book is a welcome answer to that, and a good dose of common sense and critical thinking for people who tend to get their information in 30 second video snippets. A good purchase for high school,

They’re Not Gaslighting You is a breath of fresh air in today’s therapy-laden discourse, cutting through the noise with clarity, compassion, and a much-needed reality check. Dr. Isabelle Morley masterfully unpacks the overuse of clinical terminology in everyday relationships, showing how ‘therapy speak’—when misapplied—can do more harm than good. With sharp insight, real-world examples, and a touch of humor, she challenges us to step away from the impulse to diagnose our partners, friends, and exes, and instead embrace the beautiful, messy reality of human connection. This book isn’t just a must-read—it’s a cultural reset, offering a roadmap back to healthier, more authentic relationships. A game-changer for anyone who values nuance, accountability, and real emotional depth.

if you’ve ever had a normal disagreement turn into a full-blown therapy session, this book is for you. In They’re Not Gaslighting You, clinical psychologist and couples therapist Dr. Isabelle Morley takes on the internet’s obsession with “therapy speak” and the way it’s messing with our relationships. These days, every argument gets diagnosed—your friend is “toxic,” your partner has a “personality disorder,” your coworker is “gaslighting” you. But what if we’re just… people? Flawed, emotional, sometimes frustrating, but ultimately trying our best?

the author delivers a much-needed reality check with warmth, humor, and sharp insight. She’s not saying mental health doesn’t matter—far from it. But slapping clinical labels on everyone we struggle with doesn’t actually help us build better relationships. Instead, she encourages us to lean into real communication, messy emotions, and (gasp) giving people the benefit of the doubt. this book is the antidote to social media’s armchair therapy culture. It’s smart, relatable, and a wake-up call for anyone who’s tired of walking on eggshells in their relationships. If you’re ready to stop overanalyzing and start actually connecting, They’re Not Gaslighting You is a must-read.

I really liked this book. The author does a great job of seperating junk science from social media and put reality to the subject and how to deal with real issues.

A book where the title describes exactly what it’s about. Gaslight, borderline, boundaries, trauma, love bombing, dependent, etc etc - these terms used to be confined to therapeutic spaces but now with social media, many people are using it to self-diagnose, psychoanalyze others, or at worst, weaponized it against others. I completely agree with the author that medical diagnoses should be used carefully and accurately, and therapy speak can actually inhibit resolving conflicts in that when you label people, confirmation bias can happen, especially with uncontrolled social media algorithms that show you what you seek. I was glad to see this book being published because I’ve personally had many concerning conversations with others where I felt that my peers were diagnosing others based on terms they learned in therapy when the diagnoses should really be coming from a credentialed professional. While I’m glad that seeking mental help is mostly de-stigmatized, I can see how this can be super problematic especially when this level of personal psychoanalysis or pathologizing precludes someone from working through their problems with others.

Dr. Isabelle Morley writes with a lot of understanding and empathy and breaks down terms and concepts in an easy-to-understand way through different models and examples. In addition to explaining why common therapy terms, this is actually a wonderful book on relationships too.

Morley points out that it used to be that patients would work collaboratively with therapists to find solutions or identify problems but now people are more inclined to seek out therapy to validate their online self-diagnosis. As a couple’s therapist/psychologist, she also has an intimate view in seeing “both sides of the story” and see how one person’s account may not be correct, but she also points out that therapists can also be part of the problem if they validate their client’s diagnosis of others based on the client’s words alone. This book also breaks down the criteria that psychologists use to evaluate and diagnose patients.

Plus, the way this book is structured is amazing. For example, some of the chapter titles:

* Are they gaslighting you or do they just disagree?
* Is it a red flag or are they just imperfect?
* Are they love bombing you or are they just being nice?
* Are they a sociopath or do they just like you less than you like them?

…And so on.

In 2025, let’s agree to keep therapy speak in therapy.

Thank you to PESI Publishing and NetGalley for providing an eARC in exchange for an honest review. All opinions are independently my own.

Such an interesting and, in my opinion, much needed book! It seems everywhere I turn over the past few years I encounter armchair therapist without degrees diagnosing everyone from coworkers to family members to Hollywood celebrities - very often incorrectly and in a way that borders on character assassination. People who have a large ego are branded harmful narcissists, conscientious workers are branded with OCD, introverts are branded as having avoidant personality disorder or sociopaths, and people who disagree with someone may be branded as a gaslighter. Books like this are so helpful because it's important to be able to make thoughtful distinctions about character, intentions, and actions because it's the respectful thing to do and also because it helpful for relationships, whereas the former is harmful. This is an excellent book and I highly recommend it.

This was interesting! I came into this book from a lens of being diagnosed with OCD at a young age and struggling with it severely on and off throughout my life. The book did an excellent job at explaining what OCD actually is and what it isn't (i.e. perfectionism). Also learned a lot about what narcissism, sociopathy, gaslighting, and trigger words mean from a clinical standpoint. It offered some clarity on terms I had seen on social media and why the way they are used there/in common language may be harmful.