I'd like to thank Netgalley & especially Caroline Sophia Hamel for a free copy of this book in exchange for an honest review!


CW: Transphobia, Internalized Transphobia, Internalized Biohobia, Suicidal Thoughts, Suggestive Content

4 / 5 Stars

I hope the few people who read my reviews are ready for a wall of text, because I've got a lot to say. So buckle up—let's begin.

Our Main Character:

It’s rare for the protagonist to be my favorite character in a book. Usually, I find myself drawn to the side characters—they tend to be cooler, quirkier, or have more interesting arcs. But not this time. As much as I enjoyed the supporting cast (except for one, who’ll get their own section), it was Veiria who stole my heart completely.

When we first meet Veiria, she’s a sad girl with no memory—adrift, empty, and utterly lost. Fascinatingly, while her past is gone, wiped clean, her depression has stubbornly remained. It clings to her like a second skin, creeping back into her life with slow, inevitable persistence, like a rash that never quite heals. She doesn’t know what she enjoys, doesn’t know what brings her joy—not entirely because she forgot, but because what she has begun to remember only adds to her sorrow. She floats through her days, aimless, struggling to find meaning, direction, anything that feels like purpose.

But then there's Eu. And when she’s with him, everything feels a little less broken. She can pretend. Pretend she’s okay. Pretend her life is something whole and beautiful. Pretend she’s happy.

Her dreams revolve around him—being his wife, raising his children, building a life that is entirely, completely about him. Her imagined future is all he, he, he, and there’s no her in it at all. It’s not about what she wants. It’s not about who she is. Eu becomes her lifeline, her reason for being, the balm for all her unhealed wounds. He is supposed to be the cure. The psalm for her pain.

When she’s alone, the silence is unbearable. She grows restless, watching the clock, counting the seconds until he returns—until she can once again hand him the impossible task of being her purpose, her joy, her everything. She has put all those hopes onto him, projected all her happyness onto him, because she isn't sure how she could possibly even be happy with only herself. Learning to overcome that codepandancy and self hate is a huge part of her arc and it's done very well.

Veiria’s journey is one of deep self-hate, quiet despair, and both internal and external abuse—but more than anything, it’s a story of self-love and independence. It's about clawing her way out of a pit she didn’t dig, about unlearning the lies she was fed about who she’s allowed to be. Yes, being liked is nice. Validation feels good. But in the end, the only person whose opinion truly matters is your own. The only person who needs to love you—really love you—is you.

She learns, painfully and slowly, that she can’t rely on someone else to be her reason for existing. That kind of weight will crush anyone eventually. You have to be the catalyst for your own happiness. You have to learn how to breathe on your own, even when it hurts. Because if your joy depends entirely on someone else, you’ll never be free. You’ll only keep burning yourself out trying to keep a light going that was never yours to carry in the first place.
I was so tempted to quote the last pages—but I won’t. You should go and read it for yourself. <3

Trans & Bi Stuff:

The book also delves into internalized transphobia and internalized biphobia. The latter surfaces in both Veiria and Eu, at least in theory. Personally, I read Eu more as a closeted gay boy grappling with queer thoughts he’s terrified to acknowledge… but that’s probably a conversation for another day.

Veiria, though—her self-hate runs deep. It’s heartbreaking to watch her struggle not only with her identity, but with the way she’s been conditioned to see parts of herself as incompatible. As if she has to choose one identity over the other. As if wanting to love more than one gender means no one will ever take her seriously. The book captures this conflict so well—especially in the moments where she finds herself attracted to a girl and spirals into panic. Because she can’t, right? She can’t. She has to like Eu. That’s the only way she believes she’s allowed to be happy.

But of course, that belief isn’t coming from her—it’s coming from everyone else. From the voices, the norms, the expectations she’s internalized. It’s another part of her life that she’s surrendered to others, another part of herself she’s let people define for her. And it’s crushing. Her happiness becomes conditional—dependent on fitting in, appearing “normal,” being easy to categorize. But the truth is, no matter how much she tries to mold herself into something palatable, there will always be people who hate her for senseless reasons. And by living for their approval, by letting their ignorance shape her sense of self, she’s giving them exactly what they want: control over her joy, her freedom, her individuality.

The other characters:

While I'm sure I'd be able to hit the word limit just by talking about Veiria alone, I should probably at least try to talk about someone else. Like Eu for example. He's the second most important character and he has a very intersting arc. I prefer Veirias, but not because he is less intersting or anything, but rather, because I think a few small changes would have enhanced the way his story concludes way more. Mostly, he's also on a journey to find his own happyness and personhood. While it's very clear that Veiria comes from an abusive background, it's not as clear if - and to what extant - that applies to Eu as well. I would never advocate for someone to put themselves in danger. The closet is a safe space. And people should never be shamed for staying in it for as long as they need. That being said, he too, has allowed the world to tell him who he can and can't be. So watching him slowly defy the his parents, his expectations and the literal world, was very satisfying.

Most of the other characters were also really great. Meren especially loved to come in with words of support and wisdom that made me smile. Her relationship with Veiria was amazing and definitifly what she needed.

Our Antagonist:

So, like I said, everyone was great, except for Noctine. I know how they were supposed to come of, can see what the author was going for, it's just that Noctine does not hit. They don't have enough page time to sell that their good intentions are truly good. And their presense at the climax of the story was so unimportant, they might as well not have been there. I would love to talk about all that I hate about them, but parts are spoilers , so I can't. It's not even that they are the main villain. That's someone else. So they aren't needed. But if they wanted to work, they would have required more pressense, clearer motive and probably more interactions with our squad.


The second half:

This is where the story reaches its emotional and narrative peak, with the fate of the world (and Veiria’s soul, honestly) hanging in the balance. There’s trauma, transformation, catharsis—and a lot of pain. And while I loved the resolution to Veiria’s arc, I wish there had been just one more step. One more beat between the middle and the conclusion. It’s hard to buy that someone so deeply hurting could recover that quickly, even with all the magic and metaphor at play.

Also... there’s one very suggestive chapter that was... there. I’m not quite sure it did what it wanted to do, but I’ll leave it at that to avoid spoilers.

Final Thoughts:

I don’t know if this is my favorite book by Caroline Sophia Hamel, but... it very well could be. It’s a gorgeous, character-driven story full of pain, love, identity, and growth. I got emotional more than once, and that ending will stay with me for a long time.

Would definitely recommend.