Selfie by Amy Lane is a long novel with much of the trademarked emotional writing style of Ms. Lane. It’s
also a departure from many of her novels with a focus on unresolved grief.
Conner is a movie and television actor who has recently joined the cast of a shifter series being shot on
location in Bluewater Bay, Washington state. Conner believes himself to be firmly closeted in order to
preserve his career. He was advised not to come out by Jilly, his agent, who tells him he’s not a big
enough star to handle the negative reaction such a revelation would cause. Nevertheless, for 10 years,
Conner has had a partner, Vinnie, who is also an actor but has fallen into the black hole of drug and
alcohol addiction as well as sex addiction with other partners. Conner regularly pulls Vinnie out to rehab
but Vinnie slides back. Then, tragically, Vinnie was killed in an accident with a drunk driver.
Everyone’s grief is different. In Conner’s case, he has been unable to function but is dragged out of his
bed by Jilly and firmly told he has to take this part in the TV show. Conner puts on his charming persona
that has him interacting amiably with fans and costars, earning him a reputation for being a good guy.
He is still mired in deep depression, however, and unwilling to see a doctor or take medication due to
his mistrust of the profession and pharmaceutics that destroyed Vinnie.
When Conner arrives in Washington his assigned driver is Noah, who is gay and eventually they begin a
relationship. Noah has the patience of a saint. Not only does he allow Conner to wallow in his grief, he
accepts the fact that Conner has regular conversations with Vinnie and won’t make a move without
Vinnie’s approval. Yes, Vinnie is dead and Conner knows it but he has become dependent on this
hallucination.
Noah is part black, part native American. Conner appears to be a blond Anglo, although there is an
interesting twist on his cultural heritage at the end. I’m not sure it makes much difference to the story
coming so late in the narrative but it’s included. Race is never an issue in the book as the focus is on
being LGBT and whether or not to come out.
Conner’s delusions of a continuing relationship with Vinnie evolve into his fascination with an island that
Conner believes he can swim to, despite the lethally cold water. Until he swims to the island, which
becomes a personification of Vinnie in Conner’s mind, and says goodbye he can’t put Vinnie’s
manifestation to rest. Conner’s obsession with Vinnie and the island takes a turn toward something
much more sinister. I’ll say no more for fear of giving something away.
So, there are three people in the relationship: Noah, Conner, and Vinnie’s ghostly presence that Conner
can’t let go of. In order to reach an HEA with flesh and blood Noah, Conner is going to have to let go of
his fixation with Vinnie’s continued presence in Conner’s mind. Noah’s patience begins to run thin. Even
with the help of family and friends this may be more than Noah can accomplish.
I have to admit that at times I began to tire of Conner and his continuing mania, but let me tell you that
it is totally worth it to stick with the story because when the pace picks up it REALLY picks up. Ms. Lane
has a way of bringing the reader to the edge of a character’s temperament and change the pace just
enough to draw you in deeper. It’s a master class in writing angst with just enough tenderness to
balance it out.
I loved this story. The main characters were amazingly well developed and the secondary characters
were so critical to the story that it’s mistake to consider them secondary, other than to make it clear
who the story is really about. The plot is easy to follow, even when it takes unexpected turns and shifts