The First Man

Shane

Do you want to know what it means to live like me?

It means being forced not to look at him, not to touch him, not to be left alone in the same room as him.

Not to seek him out. Not to want him.

Not to love him.

Do you know how it feels to spend your entire life pretending to be someone else? Do you know what it’s like to love someone who doesn’t want to be loved?

I’ll tell you how it feels.

It feels as if you’re living in constant torment: you know which path you should follow, but you also know that, if you follow that path, you can never turn back.

And I can’t do that to him.

Every day I come back, because I know that he’s waiting for me.

Every day I promise him that he will never have to live without me.

Andy

Do you know what it means to live like me?

It means being forced not to touch him, not to kiss him, not to be able to leave the room while he’s still in it.

Not to breathe him in, not to lust after him.

Not to love him.

Do you know how it feels to spend your entire life pretending to be someone else? Do you know what it’s like to love the only person you’re not allowed to love?

I’ll tell you how it works.

You can’t seem to feel anything other than him; when you walk away, you know that you’re turning your back on the only thing that’s good in your life.

Yet you still walk away.

Every day I leave, knowing that he will be standing there, watching.

Every day I ask him to promise me that I will never have to live without him.