Exodai

I have binge read this in one day.. (thanks to a fibro flare up and not much else to do).

This memoir. comes with trigger warnings so make sure you read them but is eye opening to say the least yet so gripping. I will be honest and say I skim read through the first about 40% of this book as it was more of a back story from the author was younger etc before the BDSM (being brought up Christian, knowing she was a lesbian but struggling to accept it, failed relationships etc) which I personally felt dragged on a bit.

However once she began talking about her experiences from when she discovered she is ‘submissive’ well that’s when the book kicked in. I went into thinking this was going to be purely explicit encounters of life on the BDSM scene. While that was the case in parts it was so much more.

Elizabeth from a young age just wanted to be loved, she fell fast and hard only to rejected and heartbroken time and time again. Through her journey into BDSM and submittion Elizabeth seeks approval and admiration from her mistresses allowing them to do as they please with her, no matter how Unimaginable and painful. She allowed herself to be tortured to feel love.

Elizabeth finally breaks from the cycle of toxiciry mentally and physically. Using her faith, courage and strength to realise her self worth and finally love herself ❤️

Here’s is my review on “Exodai” by Elizabeth Hackford

Spice: 🌶️🌶️🌶️
Memoir: 📖📖📖📖📖

I typically don’t read memoirs because they tend to be a snooze fest (sorry!) but this one was so beautifully told by Elizabeth.

Elizabeth tries to balance religion and sexuality in a world where there is so much judgement about who you are and who you are “supposed” to be, this memoir overflows with the trials and tribulations of life, love, and self realization through world of BDSM.

This raw and honest telling of one’s life story will definitely impact you in ways that you never thought. Elizabeth has opened her life up for us to devour and quite a meal it was.

“The sense of redemption was palpable. I had discovered myself. I was a “submissive”. A submissive. I loved to be dominated. So profound and joyous was the experience I felt as if I had been born again”

Wow!!!! What a journey. Where to begin?

First let me start by saying this book does have trigger warnings please read them before you begin. Secondly, this book is about a journey of self discovery and not what you expect when you first start reading it.

Elizabeth from a very young age knew she was a lesbian as well as a Christian. She struggled to come to terms with her sexuality and gods approval. She entered into relationships during her adolescence with women who would never be able to offer her the love she so desperately wanted and needed.

When she got into her adulthood she still seeked out unhealthy relationships which brought her into the world of BDSM. In this world she thought she could feel approval and admiration from her mistresses as they inflicted the most unimaginable torture to her. It broke my heart at how much she would endure just to feel she was worthy of their praise and love. She was so desperate to find those emotions, worth and love.

Through years and years of mental and physical toxicity and torture she hits rock bottom still void of the love, approval and worth she wants to feel. Until finally through her continued faith in her Christianity and god she realizes the love and worth she so desperately wants must come from with in. That is when she breaks the dam of her personal and physical torture and finds her self love and worth.

Well done Elizabeth.

Exodai by Elizabeth Hackford
4.4 ✨

What a raw and emotional memoir; I was incapable of putting this down! I had eight-ish books on my currently reading shelf and I always found myself returning to this title. This is not going to be what you think it will be, it’s going to be even better. This account is guttural and truthful beyond imagination. This is the story of a true Submissive, the unending love and dedication required to serve in this role. I found reflections and ripples of myself within this story and this author, which was a surprise to me for a totally different reason than I initially thought. You will not find another author who is willing to be this open and truthful about this part of their life. I feel so lucky to have stumbled across it here on NetGalley! The author’s connection to religion and the struggle with being of a “non-normal” sexuality was heartbreaking and enlightening to see. As a queer woman myself, I felt incredibly understood with the struggle. I’ve always been curious about Tokyo’s very exotic BDSM underworld and this provided me a stunning story of world building on this subject. I really can’t stop shouting from the rooftops how wonderful of a read this was. I want to send my huge gratitude and thanks to the author, publisher, and NetGalley for providing me an eARC to read of this title.

Name of the publication/blog/outlet where your review will be published/posted:
Instagram: @deathparlorart
Netgalley: member since 2020, 97% feedback ratio
Goodreads: www.goodreads.com/deathparlorart
Fable: https://fable.co/jolivia-535967391459
Amazon, Audible, Barnes & Noble, Kobo, etc.: Once published, I will post my reviews to these websites.

Run date for when the review will be posted/published:
Instagram: Pub Date 23 Sep 2023
Netgalley: today, 20 Aug 2023
Goodreads: today, 20 Aug 2023
Fable: Pub Date 23 Sep 2023
Retailers: Pub Date 23 Sep 2023:

I rarely sign up to read memoirs or biographies these days; It's a little bit like watching the news. The car crash is coming and you can do nothing to stop it. Similarly, the pain and angst in people's lives is so much better in fiction. Close your eyes. It isn't real.

This is very real and yet I am so, so glad I read Exodai. It is everything the blurb promises and so much more. Written with an honesty that is both painful, joyous and witty, this book will live with me for a long time to come.

Oh boy though did I shed tears for the confused troubled childhood of Elizabeth Hackford. I went to an all girls school back in the day, in the UK when we had grammar schools run by the church. I remember the shame and confusion surrounding the topic of sex and sexuality, the endless tussle with a Christian faith. This is written so honestly here I shudder with my own memories..

I won't write spoilers, but Exodai is a voyage of discovery, and transparency of culture, of darkness and of light. Of the deepest of intimacies. Told always with an, often, painful self awareness. It is guileless.

Elizabeth's word bleed out onto the page and we are drawn to this woman, we care for her and root for her peace.
For me, this is not a book about BDSM or sexuality. It is a human narrative echoed the world over. Who are we in the world and who are we to ourselves?

A blistering work.

A beautiful, brave, and unabashedly candid retelling of Hackford's descent into the realm of BDSM.

There are a lot of polarizing subjects in this book: religion, abuse, and a lifestyle choice (BDSM) that most people are unfamiliar with. This will likely be a hard book for readers who don't have some sort of familiarity with BDSM. But for anyone who is or has been in the lifestyle, this book will definitely resonate.

The first half of the book does a great job of capturing the awe, wonder, and exhilaration one feels when discovering the world of BDSM—a frenzied fever dream of erotic decadence. But this book also explores what can happen when two emotionally unstable people practice the intimate and intense forms of power exchange that can be part of the lifestyle.

Raw and riveting. A book of self-discovery and a cautionary tale. One of the best memoirs I've read.

I can't believe I finished this intense and shocking memoir! But it's even harder to believe that Elizabeth wrote such detailed experience in a book. Knowing that it is about bdsm and torture, I'm happy that I finally found something that can scratch my specific itch.
It is not as appropriate to say that I enjoyed this book, but liked the fact that she wrote from how she first know about torture and punishment, finding her sexuality, every relationship she has been through since a young age, her struggle with her faith in God, until she becomes an addict in being tortured and suffered in agony. In the first half of the book, there were several points I found very relatable in my personal experiences and felt like I wanna give her a hug. From when she started being a slave of mistresses, it gets pretty hardcore and insane to me that I found it hard to get through, at the same time hoping that she will wake up soon and get out of this.
It is actually very informative in a way that I now know more about Japanese bdsm and dominatrix, how it relate to self love and the lack of recognition and self-worth from being bullied in the past. The most unexpected part is how she relates it to Christianity, quoting several lines from the bible. Up to the end, it was more than powerful that she ends it with her awakening, reflection and transformation, it was a very brave act of exposing her whole journey to the world.

Exodai by Elizabeth Hendrick is unlike anything I'd ever read before. Described as a "shockingly honest memoir of love, obsession, and torture", the book delivers.

Hendrick gives us a well-articulated narrative of her life, from growing up as a deeply Christian girl scared that her tendency towards females made her evil to a tortured young woman with no self preservation to an independent, emotionally aware individual who has learned to love herself.

As the tortured young woman phase of the narrative takes the most space in this book, I highly encourage reading the trigger warnings prior to picking it up. While I personally found this memoir to be a work of art, it's certainly not for the faint of heart. At several points I found myself nauseous from the pure amount of pain our protagonist was in, but nothing was done cheaply or out of pocket. I found myself consistently right alongside Elizabeth, understanding her choices and feelings even despite the doubts I had about my ability to empathize with who I originally believed to be a pure masochist.

Elizabeth surprises the reader and herself throughout, providing a level of honesty and self awareness that blew me away. I would say to anyone who thinks that they can deal with the trigger warnings: go read this book.

Many thanks to NetGalley and Elizabeth Hendrick for providing me with an ARC in exchange for an honest review!