Sharcano

After reading SHARCANO (first in a series), I feel as if I've spun in a whirlpool, whipped through a tornado--and endured the end of the planet. Now THAT signifies a thriller. Not for the faint of heart nor the easily offended by profanity and the recalcitrantly politically incorrect--but still don't miss it!

SHHHHHAAAARRRCCCCAAANNOOOOOOO!!!!

yeah, i gave this book five stars, what? they are a different kind of five stars than the five stars i have given, say [book:Wuthering Heights|6185] or [book:Bleak House|31242]. they are more like the kind of five stars i have given to books like [book:Abraham Lincoln: Fuck Lord of the Moon|17622484] and [book:Reamed by Ratatoskr|18209509], where the stars are more about how appreciative i am that this book actually exists than that i am assessing their literary merit or any lasting contribution to humanity. those five stars represent the joy i felt reading this book. although, even then, this was probably more like a 4.5 stars because fun as this was, it was still FOUR HUNDRED AND FIFTEEN PAGES long, which is really long for this kind of thing, and it is only the first book in a trilogy. so, so many more pages to come.

this is in the fine literary-monster-pulp tradition as guy smith's amazing "crab" series (of which i have only read [book:Killer Crabs|970065] and [book:Crabs' Moon|1862605] - must get on the other five), and also vernon d. burns' [book:Double Feature|13858853] and [book:Gods of the Jungle Planet|13367264]. (all books to which i have given five stars, so you are seeing what i am meaning) however, this is neither sexist enough nor racist enough to really be keeping their offensive flame alive, nor is there nearly enough inexplicable sexual intercourse. which kind of ties into the "not sexist enough" part - these female characters have more to do than just act helpless and ask stupid questions while they are on their knees. which is a thumbs-up for libbers, but there is something so time-capsule charming about those guy smith books with their horrible drunk-grandpa giggle-cringe moments. this one is not without cringe, but it's less pervasive.

so, yes, everyone loves sharknado. and sharktopus. and shark polar vortex.

and avalanche sharks oh my god

but my favorite bad shark film has always been bait, in which a tsunami in australia causes a mall and underground parking garage to become flooded and filled with trouble

and the beginning of this book reminded me of that, when a volcano erupts, causing a tsunami which floods the streets of shanghai with shark-infested water, and there is much jaw-snapping at people on rooftops. and we're off.

so a lot of you are probably rolling your eyes at this already, calling it a cheap sharknado rip off. but good people, i entreat you - listen. this is more than just some wind picking up some sharks and tossing them at some aryans. because while it starts out with ho-hum normal shark week sharks, it soon escalates into…LAVA SHARKS

they are sharks and they are made of lava

because fuck you, science!!

and they can get you anywhere, because volcanos start shooting off all across the globe, and lava sharks erupt out of cracks in the ground and getcha even in places where you should be safe from freaking volcanos.

and they are so angry. and hungry.

but never fear, because there are plenty of alpha males at the ready

"I've worked camera on a dozen or so nature shows, Mister Cathcart, I won't slow you down out there," Rick replied with a satisfying and friendly Australian accent, tossing him a wink, but not the good kind that Jessica at the park was throwing around.

"Rick, nice to know you. Question: Let's say we're in the field and you wake up in your tent to find an emperor scorpion on your chest, what do you do?"

"Whatever the fuck it is, I'll brush it off of me and stomp it to shit," Rick replied without hesitation.

"Good answer, you'll do nicely."

take that, lava sharks! prepare for some stomping!

a lot of this book's length is owing to its parade of similes. sometimes there are as many as three similes on a single page. here is a sampling, but by no means a complete record:

-the vehicle would tear through the jet's tail section like his dick through spring breakers

-tossing the squid away like a Raggedy-Ann doll out a car window

-the sight of the Megalodon, like a meat train derailed on the beach

-he would snatch it like a horny teen would snatch a virgin cherry

-like a pile of dung festering in an abandoned outhouse

-like a constipated poodle

-he moved like an inchworm, but with a rocket up its ass

-like he had just shit a hornet's nest

-like a class clown at a helium party

-a hoarse shriek of fright like a drowning horse (see what he did there?)

-He eyeballed the fat, awkward wallet and spread it like a pair of legs on prom night

-like a freaked-out monkey stuck in a tree that he had forgotten to climb down from

-like a teen at Christmas enjoying his first hit of cocaine off an Asian hooker's tit

-like something a clown had shat out

-like grapes with fireworks shoved up inside them

-like an old man with a free fuck coupon to the local whorehouse

-like a professional pants remover

and this really specific one:

-like a giant blob of burning silly putty slamming over and over against a newspaper to retain the image of the latest Calvin and Hobbes adventure.

this book will probably be overlooked when it comes time to distribute the national book awards. but, if you are looking for a book where a giant squid fights a megalodon, only to be trumped by a volcano, new york city gets covered in lava, a lava shark goes right for a lady's boobs, plus sasquatch, plague, satanists, one thousand hilarious gory deaths, instant cauterization, and a fair assessment of a popular movie

"This reminds me of that long ass movie with the two midgets," Trigg recounted. "The one about the ring and all the talkin'?"

you can't do much better than this. and if you can, please drop me a note.

i will leave you with this

Lava sharks jumped up at him from below, snapping at him like little barking Chihuahuas at someone's heels. Except Chihuahuas weren't on fire and flying through the air at you. They would be a very serious threat then.

oh, yes.

look out.

This is a hell of an interesting book! Okay, so when I first saw this I knew I had to read it because of the silly sci-fi expectation, but actually this book surprised me and was far better than I would have thought.

Yes, it could be made into a Syfy channel special, but the book was actually much more complex than most of those films are. Right away I liked the characters, especially Mick and his unusual personality. He will either be the character that female readers love or the one they love to hate, either way, he is certainly unforgettable.

I enjoyed all of the action in this book and especially liked that the author included scientific description to back up his story. This was a lot of fun to read. There is never a boring spot in it and it keeps pace all the way to the end.

The characters worked well together and the dialogue was done well. I appreciated the snark some of the characters displayed and the blend of personalities varied the story line and made it more exciting.

I don't tend to read a lot of books in this genre, but this one made me wonder why. Can't remember the last time I had such fun with a novel.

This review is based on a complimentary copy from Netgalley and the publisher. All opinions are my own.

Sharcano by Jose Prendes is the first book in the Sharkpocalypse Trilogy. I like my science fiction to be farfetched. I figure if I am going to suspend my disbelief, it better be worth it. Sharcano did not disappoint.

“Shark!” Max squealed
“What?”
There is a f*cking shark in that lava!”

I was expecting SyFy Channel's Sharknado meets Snakes on the Plane, but it turned out much better. It was like when I was a kid grabbing paperbacks off the shelf at Lawsons: Cool covers, books I probably shouldn't be reading, and I got to get a paperback copy of the Exorcist without my parents finding out that I was reading that “trash.” Sharcano is better than all that. It is like The Omen meets Jaws. Yes, there are sharks swimming in the lava that is pouring out all over the world. China suffers a tsunami after a sharcano erupts off its coast. Yellowstone turns into a sharcano hot spot. Of course Los Angeles could not be left out either. Lava sharks are on the rampage, and they eat people. As if sharks swimming in the street was not enough, they can jump...really high...like aircraft high.

What happens next throws three groups of people together. Two rednecks from Wyoming searching for Big Foot. A Chinese boy, his grandmother, and a pilot tell the story from China. A priest, who discovers his colleague’s body, a victim of a suicide, joins a marine biologist, a news anchor, and a Chinese-American scientist. There is a whole cast of others in the story too. It’s big like a 1970s disaster movie.

The writing is excellent, far better than a SyFy Channel B-movie. The book will keep your attention. To periodically remind you that you are reading a book of extreme fiction, Prendes hits you with an eruption of similes: The ground opened like a knife cutting hot brownies.

Every once in a while, I am surprised by a book. I was really expecting a heavy dose of camp with Sharcano. The cover has sharks flying out of an erupting volcano at helicopters. I figured I would laugh as much as I did at Adam West's Batman series (Lucky for Batman he had shark repellent in his utility belt). Instead, I was drawn into the story accepting the fiction as I do with a J.G. Ballard novel. Sharcano is a definite break from my usual reading. It also is also a welcome break. I recommend it to anyone looking for a fun break in their reading. I look forward to the next two books in the trilogy.

(Yeah, it is a bit like Snakes on the Plane, too ; ) )

4 1/2 stars for this deliciously and wondrously cheesy B-movie in print form

This book is everything you could expect from a story that involves sharks made of molten magma. It is a classic "end of the world disaster" B-movie in written form.

If you loved the movie "Sharknado," you almost certainly will love this book. Even if you never saw that movie, this is such a delicious guilty pleasure of a read you just can't resist it. All I needed to read was "sharks made of molten magma start erupting from the volcanoes to devour everything and everyone in their way" and I knew this book was for me. If that phrase doesn't conjure up all kinds of wonderfully cheesy possibilities, then this book might not be for you. But if you think that sounds interesting, let me tell you it doesn't even come close to what is in the book itself.

The cheesiness factor is off the scale. When I first started reading, I thought the author might be one of the worst writers ever because he seemed to be working with a thesaurus of corny sayings and using as many of them as he could fit on the page. An early favorite was "The sea life scattered, vacating the area as fast as they could, because they knew the shit was about to hit the fan, even if they didn't know what a 'fan' was." The book is full of gems like that. Eventually I realized the writing had to be intentional to give the book that B-movie feel.

My only criticism is that the book is a little bit long. After the first couple hundred pages or so, I got a little weary of the magma shark attacks (hard to believe, I know) and was ready for the resolution.

I liked this book enough to read it on my smartphone (the screen of which is so small as to make reading less pleasurable). I don't recommend reading it on your phone, but I do recommend that you read it.

So I'll be honest. I requested this book because I thought it would be bad in a way that was kind of funny. It turns out, it's pretty great in a way that's kind of confusing. The characters feel real, and they make you care about them. The story drew me in, and I almost forgot that it was patently ridiculous. Seriously, this book was awesome. I had a good time reading it.