Curious as to why no one has claimed their UK lotto winnings from you? Why no one wants to call about the box of cash valued at Seven million five hundred thousand DollarsUS (7,500,000.00 Dollars)? Why is no one responding to your PASSIONATE REQUEST FOR JOINT MUTUAL INVESTMENTS BENEFITS?

Every day, it seems, we get heart-breaking emails like this one:

"I see know reasons why you are been so skeptical about your bank draft presently in our custody."

Scammers… we can tell you why. Allow us to be frank (while telling you why you shouldn’t be Dickson Marble, diplomatic Agent Texas (TX) Base, or BRIGADIER General Nana Joseph donkor of the Presidential Special Initiative).

It’s your English. Your English is … bad. Inaccurate. Ungrammatical. Inappropriate. You’ll never swindle anyone out of their $59 wire transfer fee if your letter sounds like it was written by a drunken third grader.

"English for Scammers" analyzes common mistakes, drawn from genuine correspondence, and tells you how to improve your writing so that it is appropriate for standard business letters written in English.

Topics include:
• Proper forms of address
• Openings and closings
• HOW MANY CAPITAL LETTERS ARE TOO MANY
• Spelling
• Punctuation and capitalization
• Basic grammatical constructions
• Common sentence patterns
• Tone and register
• When it is advisable to refer to your esophageal cancer; your religious faith; your charitable intentions; your connections with the UN, plane crash victims, and dead lottery winners; and more

Use "English for Scammers" to hone your 419 letters – or even to write honest, clear, direct business correspondence. The choice, dear readers, is yours.