Choose Your Own Misery: The Office Adventure

Hungover and stuck at a job you hate, will you show up for your big presentation, or duck out with Debby, the HR rep with an FDR fetish? Play the weird lump on your back for office-wide sympathy, or dive into an internet spiral that can only end in "ten kinds of cancer"? Tell someone about the weird genital-fondling that's happening at the crystal healer's, or just accept that this is the best substitute you'll find for love, today...or maybe ever?

From two comedy writers and past contributors to The Onion comes a modern-day tale of woe: the story of your soul-crushing existence. Choosing your own adventure is great when you're a kid, but in the adult world, the only options on offer are endless varieties of misery. In your office adventure there are countless "options," but they rarely end well. It's okay, though. A life of adventure would require so many uncomfortable sleeping situations. Besides, you have dental. Keep reminding yourself about the dental.