A definition and an etymology:
<blockquote>civility /sĭ-vĭl′ĭ-tē/, noun.
Courteous behavior; politeness.
A courteous act or utterance.
The state of society in which the relations and duties of a citizen are recognized and obeyed; a state of civilization.
•
civility (n.) late 14c., "status of a citizen," from Old French civilite (14c.), from Latin civilis "relating to a citizen, relating to public life, befitting a citizen; popular, affable, courteous" (see civil). Later especially "good citizenship" (1530s). Also "state of being civilized" (1540s); "behavior proper to civilized persons" (1560s).
The source of civility, then, is the same as the source of citizenship and civilization. All of these are concepts for the state of living together; the implication is, in harmony or at least not at daggers drawn. These concepts then give rise to the precepts that make the concepts concrete...from adjective to noun.</blockquote>

The ideas in this book are very much attempts to concretize the concept of being civil, being a citizen among citizens, to allow and encourage a general state of civility to flourish in wider society. The very best way, in centuries of study on the subject, to effect this change is to begin in one's own self. Applying the principles of civility feels impossible when one sees so little evidence for it outside one's orbit...often enough inside it. The idea of this book is to afford the reader some evidence that this internal work is, in fact, a worthwhile use of time and effort.

I'll tell my own story: I live (involuntarily if you're wondering as well as inalterably for complicated reasons I cannot control) with someone I deeply dislike and look down on, an active alcoholic who possesses no sense of his own affect on others whether drunk or sober. I'm never going to think of someone like that as worthy of respect. However, he is. And applying Author Hudson's definition of forgiveness as regards his behaviors' effects on me:
<blockquote>Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting. It doesn’t mean allowing the same people or types of people to repeatedly harm us. Nor does forgiveness mean sweeping grievances under the rug, failing to confront the hurt in our own souls or confronting others with the hurt they’ve done to us. Forgiveness requires accountability, personal responsibility. It means respecting ourselves and others enough to be honest with them about the harm they may have caused.</blockquote>
...has made a huge difference in how my day-to-day life feels to me. I take accountability for the harms my judgment and anger cause; I offer myself forgiveness; and resolve to do better. Every single time I have applied this principle, I have experienced a positive change in his behavior. It is a process; it has fits and starts; I fail, he fails...but the point remains that, after seven years of angry resentment and much blaming and shaming from me to him, differences are stark and plain when they occur.

I think the fact that they *can* occur in this fraught a situation is proof that the author's point...being civil calls forth better from not only one's self but the others in our civilized orbit...is correct, and her instructional writing is very helpful.

Will it work in all situations? It has in all the situations where I have applied it, from angry, unhappy service providers to rude drunks. I'm pretty sure that's a testimonial to the conscious application of the learning I derived from this read.

It's a pleasant task to follow this erudite woman as she offers her learning to us. The fact is her beginnings in a world governed by manners is an enviably high platform from which to jump into the long, long history of writing on the subject of civility and its applications. I encourage even the most mannerly to engage with this expansion of the need for, and reasons behind, the practice of them in the society we live within.

Unfortunately, I DNF’d this book. I thought I would really enjoy a discourse on civil behavior and how we as a nation (in the US) could be more “civil” to one another after our politics since Trump have divided us and made rabid the far left and far right. However, the reason I DNF’d this book was because I wound up being OFFENDED by something the author wrote. She said something to the effect of “if you have a different opinion than those in my book, don’t bother reaching out to me with it, keep it to yourself/I won’t read/engage with you….” That’s the gist in basically her forward or beginning chapters!
Howwwww can someone who wants to discuss civility start by saying I won’t listen to your opposite opinion and I won’t dialogue with you. To me, that is NOT civil at all! Yes it could be she just has strong personal boundaries and I guess I can respect that to a point. But you are writing a book about civility, which I take to be akin to “can’t we all just get along???” You cannot get along and shut out opposing views and refuse to engage. That’s not civil that’s separatism to the extreme. That’s I CAN BE CIVIL AS LONG AS YOU DONT DISAGREE WITH ME. Which is, not what I was HERE FOR!!!! This one or two sentence proclamation soured her entire book and negated her “wisdom” on civility. I’m surprised that the editor kept it in there! Like are you writing about bringing people together or just spouting some Bs that you think sounds good? Um, yeah as you can see this truly pissed me off. I wanted some kumbiya and instead I got “I’ll be civil with you as long as you agree with me or at least pretend to and keep your mouth shut,” um 😶 nope. That’s NOT CIVIL SPEAK. Therefore I was left with the overwhelming sensation that to read any further would be futile. I don’t jive with quitters or icing out of people you don’t agree with. Absolutely bonkers. So 😡 pissed off by it. I don’t know what else to say other than it triggered me badly.

The Soul of Civility is a thought provoking and insightful non fiction read I enjoyed reading over time. I kept my book in my purse to read with my morning coffee and breaks. There are many concepts Alexandra Hudson addresses such as politeness and civility, drawing information from great thinkers in our history like some classical philosophers. I loved the information though I’m lost many times but does capture my attention as I read slowly. Lots of highlighting and tagging, I really learned a lot reading this.

Thank you to NetGalley and St. Martin's Press for the eGalley to review!

I largely enjoyed this text and I believe that it is one that is severely necessary these days to spark conversation and change. It outlines and proves the differences between civility and politeness, that what many people think is civility isn't actually civility but weaponized respectability politics, and what we can do to make society more civil in its true sense. It calls out the fact that we as a society treat people and relationships as commodities and use "manners" as a means of merely appearing morally good and to show how superior we are to others we see as inferior. Much of what we do and set as rules of our society is arbitrary and harmful.

As stated in the introduction, this book can be read in its entirety or in pieces by its sections as the chapters are self-contained. It is more an essay, a thesis that compiles as many resources as possible to make the argument of what true civility is. Some of it is redundant and feels like fluff for padding because of this, and I think the "if you have ideas or examples that contradict [this] argument, do keep those to yourself. :)" is a bit cheeky and unnecessary (as well as ironic given the repeated notion that civility means listening to others even when you disagree with them). I was also immediately questioning some of the sources included, as they included the fake "Cherokee" "legend" of two inner wolves--something that if there was a bit more research done into it before including it with the other, more credible sources, Alexandra Hudson would have found was claimed to be Inuit before being rebranded to Cherokee, as it was never an indigenous folktale to begin with. And while I appreciated the call-out about how many people in our society like to make their politics their entire identity, there is again some nuance and uneven weight between the different political identities to be--again, ironically--lumping them all together and treating the situation as a black and white issue. Some people make their politics into an identity while others' identities are made into politics.

However, in true civil fashion as described in this book, I continued on to hear out the rest of Hudson's argument. And there are some really important wake-up calls here! Hudson calls this a "humanistic manifesto" and that is certainly the case; I am a humanist myself and there is so much in here I have been trying to express/explain to others that I now have the vocabulary and evidence to help me do. The fact that there are so many sources gathered in one text makes this an invaluable addition to anyone's social studies collection. It may need some ironing out, but I cannot overstate the necessity of a book like this. It's a must-read to help heal our world.

Thank you to the author Alexandra Hudson, publishers St. Martin's Press and SMPI, for an advance digital copy of THE SOUL OF CIVILITY. Thank you also to NetGalley for the widget. All views are mine.

Opening Quote: "Do not do unto others whatever is injurious to yourself. --The Gathas, the Writings of Zarathustra... between 3000 and 2000 BC." (loc.1260)

Opening Quote: "Civility is communicative moral conduct." (loc.3799)

Three (or more) things I loved:

1. I love the focus on distinguishing civility from politeness, where politeness is a collection of superficial behaviors that are mostly demanded as a social requirement of some sort. Whereas civility is behavior informed by deep personal belief, compassion, or justice, to start.

2. I really enjoyed the inclusion of the discussion about Confusionism. Confusion was conflicted, but clearly advocated for emotional stillness and kindness to one's neighbor, as did Lao Tzu.

3. I found fascinating the section about Erasmus who lived in the middle ages and wrote The Handbook on Good Manners for Children. The volume focuses heavily on cleanliness, interestingly, and not being disgusting to your guest. This gets past a superficial behavior code and gets at a respect and defense of another's bodily health and sense of humanity.

4. I don't love every sentence of it, but I generally do love the guidelines Hudson provides called "How to Promote Tolerance and Diminish Partisanship" at loc.3740. Number 9 is my favorite:
...Reminders for public figures:
...Say what you mean.

Don’t lie. Ennoble, don’t debase. The test of a true leader is whether their words bring out the best in their audience or the worst. Tyrants inflame. Princes guide.

Don’t use audiences for self-aggrandizement.

Don’t say something just because you think it is what your audience wants to hear. That’s patronizing to them, and not respectful.

Remember you don’t have to have an opinion and speak out on every issue all the time. Embrace silence, and heed Marcus Aurelius’ words: “You always own the option of having no opinion.” (loc. 3763.)

5. Great definition of forgiveness: "Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting. It doesn’t mean allowing the same people or types of people to repeatedly harm us. Nor does forgiveness mean sweeping grievances under the rug, failing to confront the hurt in our own souls or confronting others with the hurt they’ve done to us. Forgiveness requires accountability, personal responsibility. It means respecting ourselves and others enough to be honest with them about the harm they may have caused." (loc. 5190)

Rating: 🫒🫒🫒🫒 olive branch
Recommend? Yes!
Finished: Oct 7 23
Format: Digital arc, Kindle, NetGalley
Read this book if you like:
ℹ️ nonfiction
👨‍🎓 philosophy and ethics
🏙 society and culture
🗣 communication

The Soul of Civility is a thought provoking and insightful non fiction read best digested slowly and read in smaller pieces of time. Alexandra Hudson does a profoundly lovely job of utilizing an approachable writing style to present the reader with ideas that my otherwise be less readily received.

NetGalley ARC app

This wasn’t really up my alley of content, in that I think these were ideas, and options vs actual principles. I don’t really find it appealing when authors on topics like this without actual education on these topics. This kinda also felt very AI written.

We live in a time when civility is sorely absent. This was an interesting and thought-provoking presentation of a topic we need to discuss more so we can resuscitate civility.

Civility: A Cohesive Factor in Society

This book takes a comprehensive look at civility from ancient to modern times and discusses how it affects society. The author draws a comparison between civility and politeness. If I thought about it, I would have said the two words were basically synonymous. However, the author points out the distinction, and it’s important.

Politeness is external. It is a show of good manners. Politeness allows a person to appear tolerant even though politeness can be used to distance oneself from the issue, to be manipulative, and to be condescending. Civility is internal. Civility is a desire to understand another person’s viewpoint, to interact with the person in a way that allows both people to express themselves without vitriol. It is being open to understanding other perspectives.

The author did an excellent job explaining civility from it’s roots in ancient philosophers such as Epictetus to modern thinkers like Martin Luther King whose writings showed the author that there is a moral foundation for civility. However, these were not the only thinkers discussed in the book. One of the things I liked best was the way the author sprinkled quotes from important thinkers throughout the text.

I found this book very helpful in understanding what is wrong and right with interactions between people today. I highly recommend it.

Thanks to the publisher and Net Galley for this review copy.

A really important book about civility ,the author delves in to the concept through history .In today’s political discourse there is so much noise so much rudeness this is the perfect book to learn to how to talk to each other listen to others point of view without becoming rude screaming matches.#netgalley #st.martins

An hour after I finished THE SOUL OF CIVILITY, I ran a quick errand. With the deepened perspective on what it is to be in dialogue with one another regardless of where we come from, I noticed our brusque as well as the gentle, surprised warmth in the moment of transaction, of allowing another car to cut into traffic, the standing aside to let a woman with a baby carriage pass. That is the power of this book in its mind-opening, and heart-changing intelligence with deep discussions ranging from ancient philosophers to present day models such as Dr. Martin Luther King. Throughout the guide, I learned a great deal, including the small and large ways that civility is the undercarriage and support for our wildly different and brilliant individual selves in community. Would that this guide were required reading in our education and spiritual programs! I received a copy of this book and these opinions are my own, unbiased thoughts.

Exceptional Bordering On Transcendental, With A Few Flaws. If you, like me, read David French's 2020 book Divided We Fall and were utterly *terrified* of just how real its scenarios sounded (particularly given that one of them later began to become true)... you need to read this book. If you, like me, read James A. Morone's 2020 book (indeed, published just days before French's) Republic of Wrath and saw that despite the paranoia and fearmongering of today's media, punditry, and even citizenry, the US has always had a great deal of heat and vitriol in its civil discourse (and in fact was far worse in earlier periods of our shared history) - but that doesn't mean our particular era isn't pretty damn bad itself... you need to read this book. If you, like me, simply observe and even discuss politics with a "pox on all your houses" attitude as an independent thinker aligned with no particular group... you need to read this book. And if you, like me, genuinely wish for a return to a more civil era - if there ever actually was one, in fact rather than in nostalgia - ... you need to read this book.

Quite simply, Hudson here does for the topic of civility what Morone did for overall vitriol in American politics or Radley Balko did for the rise of the Police State in America in his 2012 book Rise of the Warrior Cop - and that is, bring a relatively full historical examination of the topic, beginning with the most ancient of texts known to humanity and bringing it all the way to the exact context we see as this book is released to the public in the next few days after I write this review. She even manages to look at the topic *globally*, incorporating thoughts on civility from several different major and influential civilizations over the course of history - and not just Western, but also at least some Eastern thinking as well. Along the way, we do in fact see some of the "usual suspects" such as perhaps Erasmus, St. Augustine, Voltaire, CS Lewis, MLK Jr, and Gandhi. But we even see other thinkers such as Thoreau, Emerson, and many others - including cutting edge thinkers such as Scott Alexander of SlateStarCodex.com. It is within this particular examination of the entire breadth of history, along with (mostly) strong applications of each, that this particular text truly stands out from the pack.

And yet, there are in fact a couple of issues, which may or may not be particularly *big* issues, but one of which was at minimum enough to deduct a star, at least based on my own "subtractive method" / "objective-ish" reasoning I strive to maintain within my own reviews. The star deduction coming from the overall dearth of a bibliography, despite such deep and wide examinations and despite having so many references it almost seemed as though there were a popup with some relevant quote on nearly every page! While Hudson has already disagreed with me on this on Twitter at the time I write this review, I maintain that for nonfiction works, particularly works such as this that reference oh so much, I expect to see a much larger bibliography. Even with the discussion in other recent reviews of perhaps revising my target down closer to 20% rather than 25-30%, the fact that this book contains less than 10% bibliography is still rather disappointing.

The other issue is nearly one more of style, but also raises a potential allegation of bigotry: Hudson's emphasis that civility requires looking people in the eyes. Despite Autistics in particular being well known for not really being able to do this due to our particular neurodivergence. But perhaps Hudson, despite her clear knowledge in other subjects, was not aware of this. It is possible, and I'll not clearly condemn her as a bigot due to Hanlon's Razor.

But again, the overall biggest point here, and the reason you *need* to read this book despite its specks of flaws: This truly is an exceptional, bordering on transcendental, examination of the history and nature of civility, with plenty of real-world applications that are sorely needed - and truly challenging for even the most committed of us. This is one of those books that is going to challenge you to be better in ways that few outside the overtly religious texts manage to do, and it is one that is largely going to leave you with a smile even as it calls you out. Very much recommended.

"The Soul of Civility" by Alexandra Hudson is a thought-provoking book that addresses the crucial topic of civility in today's divided world. Hudson's exploration of the difference between politeness and true civility is insightful, and her examination of historical and philosophical perspectives on the subject adds depth to the narrative.

One of the book's strengths is its emphasis on personal responsibility. Hudson encourages readers to reflect on their own actions and behaviors, emphasizing that change begins with individual choices. The idea that we can control ourselves and our reactions in a divisive society is an empowering message.

Hudson's personal experiences working in the federal government during a politically charged period provide a relevant backdrop for her arguments, and her call for a robust public discourse is timely and important.

However, I'm giving this book a 3-star rating because while the message is valuable and the exploration of civility is thought-provoking, the writing style and organization can be a bit dense and academic at times. Some readers may find it challenging to engage with the material, and the book may benefit from a more accessible approach.

In conclusion, "The Soul of Civility" offers valuable insights into the importance of civility in our society and the need for personal responsibility in fostering change. Alexandra Hudson's perspective is thought-provoking, but the book's dense writing style may pose a challenge for some readers, affecting its overall accessibility and impact.

I found this guide helpful after attending a party where political discourse was anything but civil. The author distinguishes between superficial politeness and genuine civility, in which differences of opinion are discussed robustly, while valuing other persons and perspectives. Recommended!

A deep and thorough dive into history's civility and how it's changed over the years, from Socrates, to Thomas Edison, to even today. So much information on what it means and how to actually do it from one who really, really, really knows her stuff, and yet you don't feel like it's overwhelming. Learning as you go on how civility - a respect for the personhood and dignity of others - a simple and yet profound notion that seems to be missing in today's society. We all could really use a healthy dose of this, so grab this book, and walk it out!
*I received a copy of this book from NetGalley. This review is my own opinion*

This turned out to be a much more enjoyable book than I was expecting. I’ve long lived by the teachings of those two wise philosophers, William S. Preston Esq. and "Ted" Theodore Logan (aka Bill and Ted): “Be excellent to each other, and party on, dudes.” As I started reading, my immediate reaction was that this was just a very long-winded way of saying the same thing.

To my surprise, it turned out to be a thought-provoking and inspiring read. I lost count of the number of passages I marked for later meditation. The opening is the weakest part of the book, emphasizing that civility has been a concern for humanity for centuries. For as long as we’ve had civilization, we’ve had people complaining that others don’t live up to their standards. But that’s not a reason to shrug it off. We can do better - and, given the state of politics today, we must.

Hudson distinguishes between two very different concepts: civility and politeness. She stresses that politeness, etiquette and the like are all about outward appearance, and are often designed to be exclusionary. As her experience in DC showed, politeness can easily be weaponized to make others feel small and inadequate. Civility, on the other hand, is about a genuine desire to engage with others, benefit them, even if - or especially if - this involves self-sacrifice. It’s about working for the common good, rather than one’s own aims, and it’s about being open to other perspectives, even if we disagree with them.

Throughout the book, Hudson gives clear, simple guidelines on how to live a more civil life. Most importantly, she teaches us how to transcend politics and rebuild a community that includes people of very different backgrounds and outlooks. This can be as simple as not refusing an invitation to dinner even if you’d rather watch TV, not replying to an email or a social media post when you’re angry, or just spending time sitting on your porch with your neighbors.

If I have one quibble with the book, it’s the constant etymological asides. Hudson loves to tell us about the derivation of modern words from classical Greek and Latin, which was interesting at first but soon became repetitious.

It’s a longish read, but I’d recommend it for anyone who feels, as I do, that the world would be a better place if we could all just get along. Hudson shows us that this isn’t just a wishy-washy pipe dream - it’s achievable, if we all choose to be excellent to each other.

Now, party on, dudes!

Disclaimer: I received a free copy from the publisher in return for an honest review.

The Soul of Civility by Alexandra Hudson is a master course on how a fundamental respect and appreciation for the personhood of others allows us to thrive in community with one another. By providing readers with an in depth history of civility as the foundational building block of society, Hudson makes the argument that civility is the lifeline of human life. She points out of the ways we have failed one another, all of the ways we use one another to get our needs met, and all of the ways we intentionally or unintentionally use politeness as a means of manipulation and control.

I really appreciated her vast exploration of the ways common decency, courtesy, and politeness have been used as a mean of disarming folx in the margins and how this has caused harm within many of our intersectional communities. Her take on what healing requires using the philosphical reflections of thought leaders was interesting to read and really thought provoking.

This is a great read for those who want to learn more about how we can lead a peaceful coexistence with our fellow human beings who may or may not have very different experiences than us.

Thank you to the author and publisher for the e-arc copy!