"How to Be Enough" addresses the roots of perfectionism and offers seven practical shifts to help readers move from self-criticism to focusing on values and enjoying the moment. The book includes examples and exercises to support these changes, aiming to help perfectionists find joy and redirect their standards toward what truly matters.

This was a very inciteful read that offered a lot of good information for the "Type A" person and perfectionist. I am walking away from this book with new ideas on how to implement the things that I have learned using both new to me tools and some tools already at my disposal. I can't say that I won't still have perfectionistic tendencies after reading this, but I am glad to have some ways to redirect those into useful actions.

Thank you NetGalley, St Martins Press, and Ellen Hendrikson for this ARC. All thoughts are my own.

I'm a recovering perfectionist and this book was illuminating in many ways. I appreciated Hendriksen's writing style and I feel like this will be a reference book for me to refer to when my perfectionist tendencies crop up.

This was the book that destroyed my will to touch another self-help title again. I've already had a bad feeling about it when the preface told us we should be relating to Walt Disney and how much he suffered due to his perfectionism because everything in his movies had to be the way he envisioned it - all the while mentioning him overworking his employees to the bone in one off-handed sentence.

No, I do not relate to the cultish attitude towards "suffering geniuses" who climbed to wealth and fame upon backs of millions of nameless workers who aren't getting credit for anything. They're the ones overworked, underpaid, permanently stressed, criticized over every irrelevant detail, easily fired or laid off and never appreciated for their contribution. It's always the person on top - usually a white man - who hoards all the glory. He doesn't need my sympathy on top of all his other gains.

But that's the "myth of great people" and mentality of individual exceptionalism - to tell you to sympathize with Walt Disney and see yourself in him, not sympathize with the worker and their plight under greedy, obsessed tyrants.

To this day we're supposed to look up to figures like Musk, Zuckerberg and Bezos and wish to mimic them, rather than support the people they're exploiting.

But I thought, maybe that's a one-time oversight, maybe the book will get better.

And then I arrived to the passage about Steve Jobs. Another man who made his career and riches upon backs of abused workers. The chapter about him triggered and disgusted me. No, this is not "perfectionism". This is an image of a narcissistic despot.

There is a scene describing him as he was dying of cancer and his daughter came to visit him and his words to her were "you smell like a toilet". Most people when on their deathbed try to reconcile with their family, get a closure on the Earthly matters and if they're religious, be remorseful about their mistakes so they may peacefully pass into the afterlife. Not Steve Jobs. I don't know what he did or didn't believe in, but I got an image of a man who would hurl abuse even with his dying breath.

And then, that is compared to perfectionism and "being strict towards not just yourself, but also others". Sorry, but telling your daughter her perfume stinks like toilet isn't being strict. It's rude and derogatory. It has nothing to do with perfectionism. Is this book for sociopaths? So they can excuse their derision as "oh, it's just my perfectionism!"

At this point I couldn't continue the book. I've put it aside, hoping my feelings toward it would change so I could look at it with a fresh eye, but 1.5 month after the publication date I'm still outraged at the suggestion perfectionists should see themselves in those abusive figures and sympathize with them. Just because someone became rich, famous and successful doesn't justify their callousness, and especially not towards their own family.

There's a difference between "high standards" and "the world revolves around me and must cater to me" attitude.

Even the book title talks about "self-acceptance" and nothing about giving yourself a pass to hurt others, especially deliberately in a way "end justifies the means" or "they're beneath me so they don't deserve any better treatment".

If there's one thing I can't abide in a self-help book is bad advice or glorifying bad attitudes. Self-help is supposed to give us guidance and help us become a better version of ourselves. It's often used by people whose past experiences gave them a distorted sense of reality and who often can't afford a therapist to tell them what's normal and what's abusive or pathological. So presenting abusive behaviors with sympathy and not calling them abuse just because they were committed by people the society perceives as successful and aspirational is perpetuating misinformation and double standards in the society where people on top get a pass for everything, while people on the bottom beat themselves up for "not being good enough" and wondering why don't they get the same credit of sympathy as the former group.

I can't believe nobody called this out. Nobody. That's how deeply runs the double standard in the society that nobody sees anything odd or wrong in it.

Perfectionism isn't about being a tyrant or an egomaniac. And these shouldn't be conflated.

Thank you Netgalley and St. Martin's Essentials for the ARC.

This wasn't very helpful for me. I'm not sure if that's because if I'm in therapy already.
I can say there is some good information in this book. Especially about family life in teh beginning and certain exercises that super helpful (even to me in therapy!). There were certain chapters that turned me off. While perfectionist hold others to their same high standards and we need to be nicer in that regard, there is a chapter that treated us almost like sociopaths who can't empathize with others. That was demanding.
Overall, I think this book can definitely help some people but this was not a book that was really helpful for me.

This was a good January read with tips and info that will help even those who aren't perfectionists.

Real Rating: 4.25* of five

I was the youngest child of my parents. My older siblings were more like aunts than siblings...we were two presidencies apart, almost three...and as adolescents lumbered with a toddler they didn't want in their ambit, weren't any more careful of word or deed than one would expect from members of a toxic system at a terrible passage in human life. In other words, not kind, not loving, not supportive. Add that to parents who didn't model those things and...well.

This book understood me.

So much of the world is based on conditionality: if you want this thing/state/privilege, you must give that thing/service. Conditionality and capitalism are deeply intertwined, I venture to suggest inseparably so. One's self-worth in a capitalist system becomes imbued with that transactional conditionality: I'm not working hard enough to deserve this or that bauble. Far worse is the knock-on of that, I'm too "poor" to afford this thing/service so I must be lazy/undeserving/unworthy.

It enters one's bones and imbues all one's relationships: I'm not getting this thing/behavior/feeling I need so I must not deserve it...if I work harder/behave better/give more of this or that resource I have, maybe then I will deserve or even get it.

The internalization of perfectionism is thus complete and the transactional relationship template is frozen into immobility. As are many of us who got this message. We're frozen into immobility because then the desired whatevers *not* being ours makes sense. We don't deserve whatever. Therefore the world makes sense because we don't have it.

A book like this one that makes the pathology plain does a huge service to the sufferer from the condition. It's wonderful to be told plainly and baldly that: "Pretty much every high achieving person experiences a gravitational pull to feel left out. Meaning we reflexively look for signs and signals that tell you you’re being excluded or not wanted." It's a balm to know the roots of this awful paralysis are there in multitudes of us, then be told how that: "What perfectionism neglects to tell us is that getting it right doesn’t make us part of a community." Ultimately, we've bought the bullshit and not the bull himself; we paid for the bull, and now here's a way to get him.

The author is, I suspect, an excellent therapist in practice. In writing she is clear, concise, and manages to be evocative in her phrasemaking. No small feat! I don't tthink this book is for those who struggle to see their own pathologies, there are more effective tools to break walls of denial. I think most readers are some way into the process of denial-busting, but again the <u>best</u> audience for the read are those who already see their perfectionism, have an idea it's a problem, and would like some help building coping strategies for its dismantling.

This book is a wonderfully useful tool for that purpose. I can't offer a full fifth star because there is just that soup&ccedilla;on too little interlinking of strategic implementation: How, after this insight hits home, the reader should look for that and the other one to arise.

As cavils go, it's really pretty minor. As self-help books go, this one belongs on far more bookshelves/Kindles than it doesn't.

As a perfectionist, I thought this was a very interesting and helpful book! I don’t typically read self-help books, but I was drawn to this one and I’m glad I gave it a try. Definitely going to be revisiting this one for reminders down the road.

How to be Enough is a really good book and how perfectionism is so heavily tied to things like anxiety, self esteem and procrastination. It is full of real world examples, tips on how to improve, and thought provoking questions. If you have ever been in CBT you will recognize the concepts but it will be a good refresher. I plan to read again when I need a reminder,

Thank you Netgalley for this EARC in return for MY honest review.

This was a decent read. There was some good information and advice but there were times I felt repeated itself. Still worth a read though

As a long time perfectionist, I struggle with being “enough” in several aspects of my life and in a way, has held me back and led to long periods of procrastination. When I saw How to Be Enough, I knew I had to at least give it a try. Even from a first reading and highlighting A LOT on my kindle, there was so many takeaways to at least start the journey from the crippling parts of perfectionism.

The book is broken down into seven shifts, breaking down on what people thing is a single monolith into smaller aspects that make up the monstrous whole. It’s less about obliterating all the habits at once, but about making one shift at a time, and slowly become more flexible with their perfectionism. It’s finding that healthy middle instead of trying to destroy the perfectionism, which is impossible. Each chapter has some highlighted tips to make a small change.

Dr. Ellen Hendriksen delivers the information in a mostly casual style, not blaming the reader for their past behavior (because harsh wording is probably the worst thing to do in a book appealing to perfectionists). She uses experiences with past clients and some of her own experiences to deliver an authentic and broad look at the perfectionist and how to deconstruct it to improve ourselves. I did enjoy the occasional wit as well.

Side note, the last 30% of the book is footnotes on the kindle version, so the book actually ends at around the 70% mark.

If you feel like perfectionism has held you back, pick this book up!

I thought there was some good information and advice in here although there were times I felt it slightly redundant or long. Still, worth a read for anyone who feels they have perfectionist tendencies.

This book gave me so many actionable tips for reframing perfectionism in my life—in a compassionate, accepting, thoughtful, doable way. I will be returning to reread many highlighted passages in the years to come, and I'm so grateful for Hendriksen's generous approach to scientific self-help. It is changing lives!

This book is excellent for all overthinkers and overachievers! I never would've considered myself a perfectionist, but this book actually taught me that I probably am! I love the tidbits and gems that the author dropped about "just being enough" and realizing your value so that you can be happy within. I'm really working on self care, learning to love myself again, and setting boundaries this year, so I was happy to read this book!

Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for this ARC in exchange for my honest opinion.

In this self-help book about managing one's perfectionism and inner self-critic, Ellen Hendriksen, Ph.D. takes a personal and extremely relatable approach to discovering self-acceptance. I felt as though she was speaking directly to me in conversation as she included anecdotes from her practice as well as her own life, discussing all the of ways perfectionism manifests itself, all of the root causes for perfectionism, and all of the ways we as perfectionists sabotage our own happiness and sense of self-worth.

But rather than take the approach of how to CHANGE one's perfectionism, she gently advises accepting my inner critic as part of my personality, without allowing it to control me. I am the one in control--not my perfectionism. I can still hold high standards for myself and others, but I can also allow myself the freedom to be flawed and vulnerable and authentic in the way I treat myself and relate to others. I do not need to strive to be anything other than who and what I am.

I especially loved how she brought in examples of Fred Rogers and Walt Disney as opposing examples of how perfectionism manifests itself in healthy and unhealthy ways.

Thank you to NetGalley for giving me the opportunity to read this advance copy. I've recommended this book to everyone I know: my children, my friends, my spouse, my life coach. I will definitely be purchasing a physical copy for my bookshelf so that I can continue to consult these wise words that spoke to me so clearly.

**Many thanks to NetGalley, St. Martin's Press, and Ellen Hendriksen for an ARC of this book!**

"Perfectionism doesn't make you feel perfect; it makes you feel inadequate." - Maria Shriver

If you can relate to this sentiment on ANY level...consider this book the wise, warm, and insightful therapy session you didn't know you needed!

In How to Be Enough, author and clinical psychologist Ellen Hendriksen unpacks the root of these tendencies, including how and why they might begin, and why such seemingly self-destructive behavior can easily become a way of life for so many of us. In short, our brain likes to make shortcuts, and when we see hard work leading to a good outcome, it stands to reason that the accolades, appreciation, and admiration that often follows can flood us with dopamine...and it sure feels GOOD to feel good! But this can easily become dangerous when we begin to equate our work or what we do with who we ARE intrinsically...and while this may seem harmless on the surface, the differentiation between who we ARE and what we DO is vital to a healthy self image and to our own happiness in general. After all, if you define yourself by your ability to play the violin and stumble during a public performance...you might let your family and friends down, but you're also letting YOURSELF down...right? And so your brain has one more instance of 'not good enough' to add to your mental inventory...and your inner critic rejoices.

But Hendriksen posits a very interesting theory in this book...as a perfectionist, you aren't going to EVER completely shut that critical inner voice off. So what to do in a world that demands constant production and flawless results, where rest is equated with laziness, and competitively-driven social media bombards us at every turn? Well, there are luckily some tips and tricks you can employ...and this is where Hendriksen's expertise shines. She advocates for self-acceptance...but in a way that is ACTUALLY accessible for those of us who have trouble viewing anything through a lens other than the harsh critic in our minds uses on a daily basis. First off, we need to define and determine our values, which are quite different from our goals or aspirations. What is most important to us, and what gets us out of bed in the morning? THIS is where our focus should be, not on what we do or do not accomplish in any given day. Once we have this foundation, we can then focus not on where we fall short or our pitfalls, but rather living these truths.

So what to do then, when we inevitably fall short of a given goal, or have an embarrassing social interaction that we are STILL reliving hours (or even years) later? This is where the other half of Hendriksen's theory kicks in: we need to learn cognitive flexibility. Rigid rules may run some aspects of our society (and rightfully so!) but there are COUNTLESS incidences in our life where even the tiniest bit of flexibility can mean the difference between a good day and a catastrophic one. If we 'should' our lives away, there's no joy to be had...and there is SO much we are leaving on the table. Reconciling your inner rule book with your core values seems like hard work, and it is...but this is a lifelong journey, with ebbs, flows, and of course...room for flexibility! What I perhaps took away from this book more than anything else was the connection between self esteem and the byproducts of our perfectionism...if we do something bad, we ARE bad. As Hendriksen puts it, "We conflate our screwups with our character. We mistake the inevitable problems of life for personal wrongdoing." When we live with such unflappable, unforgiving rules, it's no WONDER we can fall into the trap of defining ourselves as failures or losers.

I don't know that I've ever read a self-help non-fiction book QUITE like this before: Hendriksen effortlessly balances her research, anecdotes from her patient's lives (with names changed, of course) with practical advice, and COMPASSION, not to mention a touch of humor. I think part of the reason for this is that as a 'recovering' perfectionist HERSELF, she is quite literally the voice of experience. Hendriksen has had to tackle her own demons, do the work, and has been able to TRULY pay it forward...and what better way for her to live her values than that? The only thing I felt that was missing from this book was a quick sort of summary/reference guide at the end, perhaps one that could be printed and tucked in a wallet or a journal, just as a reminder for those times when the loud and inflexible inner critic sort of drowns out all sounds in the world around you. I also think a supplementary workbook would be EXCELLENT (I know I'd like one!) to help track your progress, although I think the best marker of progress probably has a lot less to do with what you might say and more to do with how you feel...and above all, I can affirm that reading this one made me feel grateful!

Hendriksen mentions the iconic and inimitable Fred Rogers multiple times throughout the book, and despite perfectionist tendencies, it's hard to think of a better exemplar of a man who TRULY lived his values, and helped to broadcast such an important message of self-love and acceptance that the world needs still today. I'll leave you with a quote from Rogers that embodies this book's message in perhaps the perfect way: "The world needs a sense of worth and it will achieve it only by its people feeling that they are worthwhile."

You are worthwhile...and more importantly, you are enough.

4.5 stars

As a clinical psychologist, Hendriksen brings not only professional expertise but also a relatable tone to this book, making it feel like a conversation with a trusted mentor who genuinely understands the inner struggle of “never feeling good enough.” The book’s core strength lies in its structure: Hendriksen introduces seven transformative shifts—such as moving from self-criticism to kindness and from control to authenticity—providing actionable steps without the burden of abandoning high standards altogether. This balanced approach feels attainable and empowering, particularly for readers who have relied on perfectionism as a coping mechanism or a source of self-worth. Hendriksen’s emphasis on cultivating genuine human connection is both poignant and practical, addressing the loneliness and burnout that often accompany perfectionist tendencies.

However, while the book is undeniably insightful, it may not be groundbreaking for those already steeped in self-help literature. Some sections could feel repetitive for seasoned readers of the genre. That said, Hendriksen’s engaging storytelling and compassionate guidance ensure that the material remains fresh and motivational.

For perfectionists, self-critics, and those navigating social anxiety, *How to Be Enough* is a timely reminder that success and self-worth are not mutually exclusive. By breaking down rigid expectations and embracing self-kindness, Hendriksen gives readers the tools to not only accept themselves but thrive in a way that feels sustainable.

Thank you to the publishers and NetGalley for the opportunity to review a temporary digital ARC in exchange for an unbiased review.

Perfectionism is a dangerous game and one so many of us play. I generally don't read a lot of self-help books, but really found Dr. Hendriksen's new book to be informative, easy to digest, and so relatable. If you identify as a perfectionist, she's not suggesting you need to change your entire life around, but does give some helpful advice on how to tame self-criticism, what to do with those thoughts, and the importance of human connection

This book captured my attention from the very start, by contrasting Walt Disney with Fred Rogers -- two of the most influential men in my early childhood! Unfortunately, it lost my interest fairly quickly after I began to notice brief moments of strong language. The language progressed (including multiple uses of F-), and I had to tap out as it was both distracting and unnecessary. I very much appreciated the author's goal, and was appreciative of all the information shared, but ... this one is not for me. Thank you, author and publisher for sharing an advance copy of this title! All opinions are my own.

How To Be Enough by Ellen Hendriksen is one of those rare books that makes me feel like the author can read my mind...and provide some insight into my thoughts/behavior/whatever. It is definitely a book I WISH I could have read thirty (or more?) years ago, as it might have saved me some years of therapy and some $$$ along with providing tools for me to deal with my constant feeling of not being ENOUGH. The author is a psychologist as well as a talented writer, and the book is filled with stories and ideas. Yes, I wish I had read this before I retired --- but, on the bright side, now I have time to take it in and use it to make my life, relationships, etc. better. It's very special. With thanks to St. Martin's Press and NetGalley for providing a copy in exchange for this honest review, this one is definitely a five-star read!

A nice guide on how to stop being so hard on ourselves and realizing that we are already enough despite what that little voice in our head tends to say.

It's a reminder that we don't need to be perfect - and striving for perfection does nothing but cause stress and anxiety and make us feel "less than".

There were lots of insights in the book and I felt several spoke to me personally.