I was always a big fan of the authors late husband "tWitch", and was very familiar with and followed their relationship online. Knowing them both from So You Think You Can Dance, the Ellen show, and their personal accounts online I was always a huge fan, not only of dancing as I've danced all my life, but also as a couple and as people individually that shined with such joy and glowed with just genuine love of life. Hearing the tragic news of his death was horrible, but I am so glad and so proud of Allison for taking the meditative route of making a memoir, not only about her husband and how she and her kids would have to continue on without him, but also as a way to get to know her life better even before her marriage and partnership with "tWitch". I absolutely loved this and cried my eyes out! Five Stars!

TW: grief, suicide

This is a tough one to review for me because I feel divided. I know there is drama about this book, but honestly t I haven't paid attention to it. So, my review is based on this book and what I am reading.

I love reading memoirs because celebrities/public figures have the freedom to tell their stories. When I saw that Allison Holker was releasing her book, I was excited to see her get the opportunity to tell her side of the story. She details her story from childhood to adulthood. One thing is that Allison has always worked hard and does the best to provide for herself and her family. Even when she faced hardships she never gave up. When she had her daughter Weslie, that made her work even harder to land gigs that would keep them secure.

The next part of the story focuses on her and Stephen's (Twitch's) relationship; and how they went from acquaintances to friends, to falling in love. It's cute to see how opposite they are and how that ended up bringing them closer together. It was sweet to see their love story and how that bloomed over the years.

Then, it gets tough; focusing on Stephen's behavior changes and the moments before the tragedy. Allison spoke her truth and while you can see that she loved Stephen, I feel like anger is the emotion that comes through. And that is understandable. You see her perspective on coming to terms that her husband is gone and that he chose to leave her and their family.

While those are her opinions and she has every right to her opinions, I did take issue with one thing. Her writing and viewpoints seemed to diminish mental health and the struggles he was facing. It sort of felt like she implied that his struggles couldn't have had that much of an impact and that he simply just chose to end his life. As someone who struggles with mental health issues and has seen those closest to me struggle themselves, I know how powerful they can be and how quickly you can go down a dark path. Stephen never felt like he was strong enough or the hero he wanted to be and I felt that a lack of sympathy and understanding of the impact of what someone who is going through mental health struggles is a bit dismissive and disheartening.

In the end, this woman has to live a life without the person she was supposed to grow old with and their children don't get to have their dad for certain milestones. That is tough for me as a reader so I can't even imagine what they are going through and what they will continue to go through. I hope that writing this book allowed Allison to heal and that she continues to ask for help when she needs it.

Thank you #Netgalley for the copy!

This was a raw recollection of Allison Holkers life. First her interest in dance as a young child and how she needed to work at such a young age to be able to move forward with this passion. Allison has always been a devoted worker, multiple jobs and financially taking care of herself and eventually her family. Though the topics get very deep in this book as you could imagine, it does share what the family left behind experiences and their stages of grief. There is not one right way to process things and Allison shares what she did for her family, both the good and bad.

Starting the book out, I told myself to be unbiased (knew I wouldn't be), because I am a huge tWitch fan and with all the sensationalism around the book release, I felt like I really wasn't interested in what she had to say...based on the media reports. Initially I rolled my eyes. A LOT. Allison talks about herself and praises herself on almost every page. Just how adored she was by whoever, how strong she is, how good she is, how much ambition she has, more so that other people.... I couldn't stand it and it irritated me. BUT as I got deeper into the book...I can also understand... Her husband chose to leave her and their 3 kids. As a wife, the first thing I would think is: what did I do wrong? Was I not good enough? Was I not worth it for him to stay?

Going through that level of self doubt....and as somebody who grew up with a relative who attempted suicide probably 15 times....I can tell you I never felt enough and as an adult that still affects me. How still would I feel if my husband, the love of my life...abandoned me? So if not Allison praising herself, building herself up, patting herself on the back...then who? I actually feel teary writing this, because I truly went into this book with a preconceived notion that I'd hate it and her......

Then her having to tell Weslie that he had unalived himself?? I have a daughter the same age as Weslie, one who is fiercely protective of her parents and loves us...like we are her world. She has said she cannot exist in a world where we do not exist. To have to imagine ever telling her something like this?? Wooo...guys, my heart broke for Weslie....and for Allison to have to inflict that pain into her daughter....because of Stephen's actions.

No matter how Allison chose to bounce back, walk the red carpet, not post father's day messages....it actually is none of our business. And I say that to myself, because I was judging her, hard! I even unfollowed her, because I only followed her because of Stephen.

I will say though, some things could have been kept private. I didn't like the leap that *SPOILER AHEAD* he could have been concerned that he would do something to his own son... I found that to be quite the leap and quite vile if he has never displayed such behaviour. I also feel like there were many occasions where she could have asked him more questions vs letting his behaviour just continue...if it was indeed as erratic as she describes. There is an undertone that she was very busy, wanting to be successful...she didn't really have time to ask him these questions. The way I interrogate my husband on what he ate for lunch everyday....we are different people....and I was not in their marriage. However as she put the book out for the world, I mean, I am entitle to give my opinion.

She did not give the Boss family a heads up on the book and the claims she make which I don't think was very kind of her....BUT she does not slam the Boss family (minus the one allegation of the leaked comments) in the book. I have great sympathy for the Boss family...and I feel bad for everybody involved, because in the end....Stephen left them to deal with all of this. Yes I know mental health is a disease....but from where she stands....and again, my own experience, she is left picking up all the pieces...while he is resting in peace and being romanticised...while she is being vilified on social media.

It's a bit of a mixed bag for me...I am glad I read it in the end.

Although some heavy topics are discussed throughout this book, I enjoyed getting to read Alison’s story. If you are a fan of her work, I think you will enjoy this one. It also sheds light on the complexity of grief and mental health struggles 🫶

Alison and Twitch were first introduced to me on So you think you can dance. When they became more public figures, it was nice to recognize them and watch their dance videos together on Tiktoc. The way Alison started with her family and siblings, then progressed to her life as a widow with three kids and questions that no one could answer, made her book refreshing to read. My sincere thanks go out to Alison for sharing her heart and being honest.

As a longtime follower of SYTYCD and Allison Holker, I was really excited to read about her life and also get more details about what happened with tWitch. I feel like her account was honest to her and sheds light on the complicated, painful dissonance after someone you love dies by suicide. I appreciated that insight. It was a painful read but definitely recommend if you were interested in their story either before or after tWitch’s death.

Thanks to Harper Select and NetGalley for early access to the book in exchange for my honest opinion. Being granted access the day before publication, I didn't finish the book before it was available, and I took my time reading it, as the emotions conveyed were a lot to handle.
To back up, I grew up dancing - all the styles, all the competitions, teaching lessons, working in a dancewear shop. So I was interested in hearing more about Allison's experience in dance prior to So You Think You Can Dance. I remember watching her move on SYTYCD and being struck with awe. After the intro, the first quarter of the book is about her, following her growing up and on the show. The next quarter of the book is about her relationship with Stephen Twitch Boss, and then the last half follows the aftermath of his death by suicide and how she and their children are working through their feelings and moving forward.
As Allison says, "People have a lot of opinions that they don't hesitate to share about how I should be handling my grief." I don't want to add my voice to that crew, but I do hope that in writing this book she was able to find more peace. Overall, her confusion was the most prevalent message, and I am not sure why she chose to make some of the statements she did. Especially when she says, about talking to her daughter, "I'm constantly reminding her of the power of silence." The dichotomy of that statement being included in a book that, at times, read like a tell-all left me feeling confused.
If you're a SYTYCD fan or a super-fan of hers, you'd probably enjoy this book. But if you are a fan of Twitch, I think you can skip this read. She doesn't hide the "bad" stuff that even she didn't know about when Twitch was alive. I understand she wants to paint a more realistic portrait of him than the loving soul he was on TV and social media, but I don't think this book was the best way to achieve that.

This Far: My Story of Love, Loss, and Embracing the Light by Allison Holker.

I watched Allison and tWitch on So You Think You Can Dance as well as enjoying the Instagram videos of them dancing so I was drawn to this book. The first 2/3 of the book is Allison’s story from her childhood through Stephan‘s death. Personally, I felt the information she found out about Stephan after his death was his story to tell and he kept it quiet even from her. When you read how they were feeling and why, hopefully it makes people think before they judge. Grief is different for everyone.

Thank you to the author, Harper Select, and NetGalley for the Advanced Reader Copy (ARC) copy of this book and I am voluntarily leaving an honest review.

I watched Allison Holker on DWTS and followed the news around her husband's death, so when her memoir came out, I requested the ARC. This was before I learned about the controversy over the book, but when I got approved, I wanted to follow through with reading it and giving it a chance. Honestly, I'm super torn because I can't imagine the trauma she and her kids have gone through. I want to be sensitive to that because I do know the trolls have gone for her as well. And everyone grieves in different ways. She doesn't need to deal with constant criticism.

However, she did write this memoir and put her story out there. And I'm really struggling with the way she is portraying mental health issues. As someone who has alot of family members including my own children that deal with significant mental health issues, I've learned that mental health issues are an illness and one that is caused by chemical imbalances that no positive self talk and thinking about others and willing it away will cure. His illness was untreated and he died because of that. She said that by writing this book that she would hope that people would think twice about contemplating it because of the trauma the family has to endure. But...is it truly that simple? I feel like if it was, suicide rates wouldn't be so high as they are. Mental illness is multi-faceted and complex and I feel like Holker, maybe having never experienced that herself, doesn't understand that mental illness is an illness, just any physical illness. We don't know what he would have been diagnosed with if he had gotten help. It could have been more than just depression/anxiety. But even some of the things she felt was shocking, seemed normal for a person that struggles with anxiety. For example, she was shocked about some of the topics he wanted for the podcast or some of the searches he did on the internet about fatherhood, but honestly, besides the suicide helpline, none of those are shocking. Like it's natural to think that maybe you aren't the best parent or to have concerns and anxieties about being a good parent, especially if you struggle with depression or anxiety. You could be the best parent in the world and still have doubts because it's how your brain perceives the situations. That's not necessarily a red flag. She also makes some other pretty weighty and disturbing speculations about why he would do this by referencing some of his journal entries...It's speculation and can't be corroborated and will only serve to hurt his family, who also are suffering through this grief. I feel like some editing and discernment about what to share and what to keep private would have served her well. She certainly used discernment when it came to sharing the trauma from her teen years and even said she isn't comfortable sharing what happened to her. You can feel her anger throughout the whole middle to end of this book...I'm wondering if she had written this 10 years from now, how different this memoir would be and if she would have chosen to leave some of this information out.

The memoir was raw and gritty and it did hold my attention as the reader. But I'm left with...I just don't know what to think. It's a unthinkable tragedy that is affecting too many families.

Thanks to #NetGalley and #HarperSelect for the ARC.

I don’t really know how to feel about this book. I usually enjoy autobiographies, but this one… I just had weird feelings during parts of it. It sometimes felt like she was out of touch with reality and not because of grief (although I’m sure that played a part in it), but it almost felt like she was bragging about herself in parts. Like this book was a tell-all to talk about her successes and how she wants to keep being successful even after Twitch passed. Obviously I don’t want her to not be successful and she deserves to tell her side of the story, but it just felt wrong for her to share some of the things she shared. Also, for someone who claims there were no signs that Twitch would eventually unalive himself, I saw so many flags throughout her storytelling. Even if she had done something or said something, maybe it wouldn’t have made a difference, but I just felt like how she acted was so selfish and now she’s using this story to further boost her platform. So I’m torn, but ultimately I do not recommend.

“This Far,” received so much negativity in the press so I was somewhat guarded as I read. I was pleasantly surprised throughout most of this story. Allison gives us more than a glimpse into her life, she really takes us on her journey of dance, family, and saying the “quiet parts,” out loud. Her blunt honesty was definitely unique among celebrity memoirs.

Much of the last two chapters were tough to read and I wonder if those thoughts would have been better off unshared. However, I do believe it is her story to share. I also have a much different perspective than I had after only watching news coverage or reading articles with clips from the book. I encourage everyone to read it to form their own thoughts.

WOW. This is a must read on so many levels. She brings humor, love, and vulnerability into this beautiful memoir that touches on so many heavy topics. Being a So You Think You Can Dance watcher in the early days, I knew about her and Twitch, as well as the devastating story of how his life ended.

She touches on the difficulties they faced as a multiracial couple, coming from families without money, being a young, single mom, a mixed family where Stephen raised her child from another relationship as her own, and of course being someone left in the wake of suicide by the person she treasured most. All the uncovering she finds after, and the honesty in which she shares the anger and devastation of the decisions he made as well as reactions from others that portrayed him as a hero were so heartbreaking but heartwarming to see being expressed in this world. I have not been where she has, nor do I ever wish to be close to that, but I can imagine how big a gift this book and her story is to so many people struggling with any part of the struggles she/they went through. My heart breaks for her and her kids, but I am also so so so in awe of the person she is and the way in which she has risen to use this as a way to help others. To make sure Stephen's death was not in vain. To help other should that are hurting feel seen, heard, and heal. Regardless of what kind of experiences you have, go read it because it will give you new perspectives and empathy for anybody you encounter.

May we all be light and love in this world because we have no idea what the other person is going through.

Thank you for this book Allison! One outstanding Q for me was where was Justin the whole of Weslie's life? Hopefully he was present throughout too and a great co-parent despite the distance!

3.5/5 ⭐⭐⭐

I've been wanting to read this, and I've also heard the controversy around it. I definitely have mixed feelings about it, but can see it from both sides.

As far as the actual memoir goes, I thought it was well written and read beautifully. It is so clear that she still holds anger towards everything, and rightfully so. I can't say if I was in her position, I wouldn't still hold emotion or anger either towards things either. As a mother, I couldn't imagine having to deal with the pain of losing your husband, while also still having to raise children who don't fully understand what is happening and grieving yourself. I commend her for her strength, truly.

However, some of the things felt a little too personal, and felt like things I shouldn't be knowing. I definitely think she may of needed more time to work through some things before fully writing this book.

It is definitely a raw, heavy read, especially if this is something you have experienced or been through.

Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for this e-arc in exchange for an honest review.

I watched every season of So You Think You Can Dance from its beginning, so I had followed Allison and loved her dancing and spirit before tWtich’s season and also fell in love with his dancing and personality when his season came later. I loved watching them when they later became a couple. Like so many, I was completely stunned and saddened by his suicide.

This book is a surprisingly honest, deep and well written memoir. The first half is basically the before of his death and the second half is her and her children’s lives after. Yes, she tells some personal things about him, but not gratuitously, and nothing honestly that extreme. I read that his mother is furious that she says he used drugs towards the end and that he may have been s…. abused as a child. That saddened me because she acted as if his being a survivor of that would be shameful. What a sad thing to be furious about. And what is so shameful about struggling with drugs during a deep depression either? Clearly he was in a desperately dark, bad place or he would not have done what he did. Drugs can certainly make things seem darker.

Allison sets the record straight on some things, like explaining that she made his family sign NDAs because they insisted on an open casket viewing for themselves (she had closed casket for the rest of the funeral and chose not to view when it was open) and she was adamant that there was no way people could take photos that could end up getting out and for her children to have the possibility of someday seeing those online when he had shot himself in the head.

She doesn’t hold back that she is still angry with him for leaving her and their children, especially for their kids not to have him. She also makes it clear how much she loved him, what a wonderful husband and father he was, and how much she realized too late that he was hurting desperately and for a long time. She does paint herself as pretty perfect in every way, but I think part of that is a reaction to a year and a half of judgment, criticism and nastiness directed at her as she was trying to deal with extreme grief, legal and financial nightmares, traumatized children and nonstop public scrutiny. Glass houses, people. I can’t imagine how awful any of it would be, but especially when you have to navigate it with paparazzi trying to get photos of your children’s trauma and random strangers saying you’re a horrible person if you post a picture of yourself and your child to your own instagram.

So many books gloss over the hard or unpleasant parts of a story. This felt full and real. I wish the best for her, their children, and his other loved ones. I hope his family can move past blaming his widow for something he did and find some peace.

I read an advance copy of this book via netgalley.

This was a hard read. I was a fan of both Alison and Twitch.
In reading her book I have learned that I really think she should have let more time pass to sit with all the emotions she was having and to try and possibly heal her relationship with his family…while she did say all the wonderful things about him that he seemed to the world..she was mostly angry, understandably so, but just my opinion that maybe she should have let the anger and feelings in her heart settle a bit. And of course it’s my opinion, but as a mother to a son, I would have definitely appreciated knowing ahead of time what those journal entries said before reading about it in a book. That was unfair to his family and must have been heartbreaking to read.

This interesting memoir describes Allison’s early life, dancing, her career path, meeting Stephen, & their life together. His death by suicide, grief, healing, & moving forward are also addressed. I ignored all the criticism surrounding this book, & chose not to judge someone when I haven’t walked in her shoes.
*Thank you @netgalley and @harperselect for this advanced reader copy. Pub date was 2/4/25.

Raw and honest, an unflinching look at Allison's life, the highs and the lows. It made me cry. But also shows that there is light even after the deepest darkness in life.

Thank you Netgalley and Harper Select for the ARC.

There’s obviously going to be people that don’t like it because it is after all a book and we will all have our own thoughts about it. That’s fine. What isn’t fine is saying she doesn’t have a right to tell her story. To say how she felt when he made the choice he did because it was in fact a choice. What isn’t fine is coming at her like she had anything to do with his suicide, like she’s the reason he’s not here, like she didn’t care for him, like she’s an opportunist for writing what she felt she needed to write. When news broke that Stephen committed suicide everyone was so shocked. Why would he do this? He was so happy. He had so much joy. So now here you have her speaking out and saying hey this is what was going on with him and everyone’s mad. Oh she’s profiting from his death. She killed him. His death is suspicious.

It’s not.

Let’s accept no matter what this woman does she will be the villain to a lot of you.

He went to a hotel and put a gun to his head and left behind a wife, three kids, his mother, his brother, and countless other family members and friends. He made a choice I have no doubt he felt he had to make but the reality is he did make a choice. A devastating choice.

The book:

Allison talks a lot about herself, her struggles, how she started dancing, and what that world was like for her. Then about halfway through we got to what happens the night before tWitch dies. She wrote about how he called her and was clearly intoxicated and she was concerned but she didn’t know where he was. They didn’t share locations. Not everyone does. Eventually he made his way home and he just kept saying “I lied, I lied, I lied” which stuck with her because she never knew what he meant he lied about. She still doesn’t know what he meant.

Fast forward to the next day and tWitch takes his older daughter to school. He says to her “I wish I could’ve been your superman.” I want you to imagine being a child and that’s the last thing your parent said to you before they decided to leave this earth KNOWING what they were about to do? This wasn’t a spur of the moment act.

The rest is what we know which is he essentially goes missing. Allison doesn’t want to call the police just because she can’t reach him because he’s always made it clear to her not to call the police because he’s a black man. Enough said. She does end up contacting the police though and they tell her not once but twice that unless it’s been 24 hours…. You know the rest.

Eventually he is located at a hotel. By then he’s gone. He had turned off his location. He didn’t want to be found. He didn’t want to be stopped. He left a note. We the public are not and should not privy to what was in that note.

Due to what’s in the note Allison has a better idea of what was going through his mind, but it really is the bare minimum. She does not and probably will not ever know why he chose to go to that extreme.

Misconceptions:

She made his family sign an NDA. Yes she did. She made everyone sign an NDA because his family wanted people to attend the funeral that she wasn’t familiar with. Some people hadn’t seen him since he was a toddler. She didn’t want pictures of his body leaking. Pictures from the service. His family was understandably upset and demanded everyone sign an NDA if they had to which I think is fair and Allison said okay done. What’s the problem?

In the NDA it states she’s the only on that can benefit from his name or something of that nature. And? How no one realizes that she’s protecting his name and his brand is mind boggling to me. That was his wife. I would’ve done the same thing.

I understand there’s bad blood between the families and unfortunately this will happen with grief. It’s unfortunate. However making her out to be a villain isn’t only inaccurate it is unfair.

Throughout the book it is very clear how angry she is with him. How she can’t see him as a hero when she’s left to pick up the pieces of everything he left behind. Their children that she will have to raise alone. She isn’t comfortable with the narrative in glossing over the fact that he committed suicide and almost romanticizing it because what message will that send to her kids? She has every right to be angry.

She is saying what no one wants to say. He made the wrong choice. He abandoned his family.

Yes he was mentally ill. Yes he felt it was his only option. That doesn’t change the reality that it was the wrong choice. He chose to leave a family behind, a wife that has to tell her kids it’s not their fault, that they’re not the reason that he chose to do this, and to try to piece together the broken hearts of three children that no matter what she does will never be whole again the way they were.

It was also clear to me while I read this book that she hasn’t ever felt this kind of despair and for that I envy her. It is very hard to understand anyone doing this to themselves for someone like Allison who seems to FIGHT through whatever is going on. It has been very hard for her to grasp what would lead someone to do this. She has made it her mission to understand mental illness and what could lead someone to this choice.

There is also all this chatter that she is benefiting financially from this book from what he left behind….. inaccurate. He died without a Will. That means probate. There are several properties that they bought for each child that will now have to be sold. What she inherited is debt and a shattered heart.

Saying what he was going through doesn’t destroy his legacy and shame on anyone saying otherwise because what you’re saying is that what he was going through prior to his suicide destroys his legacy. What you’re saying is that a legacy is destroyed if there is any illness mental or otherwise attached to it. You are saying that his legacy is tarnished because he was struggling before he died. Newsflash: he committed suicide. That makes it clear he was going through a lot.

Allison has a strength that I envy. Her belief in herself, in her strength is relentless and it’s also how Stephen described her. It is no wonder that what people see is someone that is unshakable. However just because she’s not publicly falling apart for the public’s viewing pleasure does not mean she isn’t shattered. She is. She is still human and she has experienced a great loss and will forever have to deal with the fall out and deserves the grace to do it in peace.

bravo Allison.

Stopped @ 55%. My decision to stop reading is more about me as a reader. This book is very emotional as is to be expected, and I decided I needed to stop for a myriad of reasons. I can imagine it took a lot to put the words of these experiences out for all to see even for someone already in the public eye. It's hard to offer feedback on a memoir as the truth is the author's, and it's up to them how it goes. I do wish there was a bit more about Allison's upbringing and time on Dancing with the Stars, SYTYCD, etc. However, I also understand why she chose the direction and focus she did. I may return and finish this down the road, but for right now, I'm pausing. Thanks to NetGalley for the look at this February 2025 release.