Not So Sorry
Abusers, False Apologies, and the Limits of Forgiveness
by Kaya Oakes
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Pub Date Jul 30 2024 | Archive Date Aug 19 2024
1517 Media | Broadleaf Books
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Description
It's time for a nuanced discussion about forgiveness.
From religious communities to therapeutic spaces, the importance of forgiving those who've wronged us is often enshrined as an unqualified good. But what about horrifying cases of abuse, predatory behavior, or systemic wrong? Too often, when predators or abusers are exposed, the chorus comes immediately: "What about forgiveness?" In these cases, forgiveness places the onus on victims, diminishes real hurt and anger, lets perpetrators off the hook, and prevents justice from being done.
In Not So Sorry, journalist and culture critic Kaya Oakes tackles these questions with intelligence, nuance, and a bit of righteous anger. Ranging effortlessly from Christian theology and world history to psychology and pop culture, Oakes takes us on a whirlwind tour of the many abuses of the concept of forgiveness, including the abuse scandals of the Catholic church, the outing of high-profile abusers like Larry Nassar, and white America's obsession with false narratives of marginalized peoples granting forgiveness to oppressors. Ultimately, Oakes dares us to ask the necessary question: Is it ever better not to forgive?
A Note From the Publisher
- Argues that forgiveness needs to be thought of as a process, not a product, by both individuals and institutions
- Tackles topical subjects such as the #MeToo and #ChurchToo movements as well as ongoing revelations about abuses of power from leaders and institutions
- Written by journalist and cultural critic Kaya Oakes (The Defiant Middle)
Advance Praise
“Kaya Oakes challenges those slippery, PR-constructed apologies that leave us rolling our eyes. But she does more than that. Throughout Not So Sorry, Kaya Oakes listens to the voices of victims, allows us to wrestle with our assumptions, and leads us on a path to restore justice.”
—Rev. Carol Howard, author of Healing Spiritual Wounds: Reconnecting with a Loving God after Experiencing a Hurtful Church, and pastor of Bedford Presbyterian Church
“In Not So Sorry, Kaya Oakes presents a thoughtful meditation on one of Jesus’s most challenging commandments: that we forgive those who have wronged us. With compassion, curiosity, and conviction, Oakes invites us to consider the implications of forgiveness in a fraught age.”
—Michael J. O’Loughlin, author of Hidden Mercy: AIDS, Catholics, and the Untold Stories of Compassion in the Facade of Fear
“Kaya Oakes has long been one of my favorite writers on the religion beat, but I can testify that no work of hers has challenged me like Not So Sorry. When you believe, as I do, that the genius of Christianity is its offer of mercy to even the worst of sinners, it is bracing, and difficult, to be reminded of the limits of forgiveness and the perils of cheap grace. In an age when abuse has been exposed as rampant, and accountability is so rare, Oakes’s call to rethink forgiveness by centering survivors and reminding us of all the ways the powerful use and abuse the language of faith is essential reading.”
—Matthew Sitman, host of the Know Your Enemy podcast
Marketing Plan
- National and online publicity campaign to women's and faith media, news media
- Trade and Christian advertising
- Social media and digital campaign targeting women, social justice, and faith
- Author events
- National and online publicity campaign to women's and faith media, news media
- Trade and Christian advertising
- Social media and digital campaign targeting women, social justice, and faith
- Author events
Available Editions
| EDITION | Other Format |
| ISBN | 9781506486963 |
| PRICE | $28.99 (USD) |
| PAGES | 214 |
Links
Available on NetGalley
Featured Reviews
Pattie F, Reviewer
In Not So Sorry, Kaya Oakes delivers a bold, thought-provoking examination of the concept of forgiveness, challenging the traditional view that it is an unequivocal good. Through a combination of historical analysis, theological insight, and cultural critique, Oakes dissects the ways in which the call to forgive can sometimes exacerbate harm rather than heal it.
Oakes starts by exploring the pervasive presence of forgiveness in various contexts, from religious teachings to therapeutic practices. She effectively argues that the demand for forgiveness, especially in cases of severe abuse and systemic wrongdoing, can unjustly burden victims and shield perpetrators from accountability. This nuanced perspective is a much-needed counterpoint to the often one-dimensional narrative that surrounds forgiveness.
One of the most compelling aspects of Not So Sorry is how Oakes intertwines personal stories with broader cultural phenomena. She illustrates how calls for forgiveness can sideline justice and diminish the experiences of those who have suffered. Oakes also critiques how society, particularly in the United States, romanticizes the notion of marginalized groups forgiving their oppressors, thus perpetuating harmful power dynamics.
Oakes's writing is both accessible and erudite, making complex ideas understandable without oversimplifying them. Her righteous anger is palpable, yet it is balanced with a clear-headed analysis that invites readers to reconsider their own views on forgiveness. By questioning the automatic expectation of forgiveness, Oakes opens up a vital conversation about the real implications of this act.
Not So Sorry is a significant contribution to contemporary discussions about justice, healing, and morality. It challenges readers to think deeply about the ethics of forgiveness and to recognize that, sometimes, withholding forgiveness can be a necessary and justifiable choice. This book is a must-read for anyone interested in the intersections of religion, psychology, and social justice, as well as for those who have grappled with the pressure to forgive in their own lives.
