Still Life

This book gave me access into another human being's personal space, and it allowed me to see the struggles, the unrest and stirring that overwhelm a person battling depression. It was hard reading it. On one hand, it was hard to see Gillian (who felt like a character trying to rise to the surface from the bottom of a very, very deep, dark ocean) fighting her illness. It was hard to see her draw within the confines of her bed, unable to engage in everyday activities, distancing herself from her husband and children. On the other hand, it was hard to wrap my mind around what this really means. I don't completely understand depression, so this was eye-opening, but it left me, funnily enough, encouraged in my faith and daily walk with God.

Gillian knew she was dealing with depression, but she didn't know how serious it was until she called a TV commercial number, got face to face with a psychiatrist, and eventually, after a few failed attempts, she found Melanie, a psychiatrist who helped her face her new life.

I love how open she was about her turmoil. She didn't try to preach us the things we know about God. She didn't try to dismiss this. She spoke like someone who's walked through the valley of depression. Everyone going through a hard season of life can so easily relate to her. I loved how she didn't spiritualize. This is such a refreshing thing. No, she didn't dismiss God, but she clearly stated that sometimes, God seemed far and hard to reach, but she knew that through it all He was present. It was so encouraging to read her words about God, and they had more weight knowing they came from a person who struggled to keep her mind clear and focused.

I also liked the applicable strategies she talks about in the book. Melanie (her paid friend, as she calls her) gave her tips on how to handle life. One task at a time. This was so good, and who doesn't need that reminder? She tells of her narrating to herself her tasks and actions to keep herself grounded and present. Throughout the book was open about her relationship with the husband. As a pastor's wife, she felt the pressure to be the perfect image, but this idea crumpled every time she was put down by her gnawing depression. I also liked how she took turns in presenting how her children were influenced by her illness. She and her husband have four daughters, two of them with Down syndrome, and the youngest of them is adopted from Ukraine. She had difficulties in bonding with her youngest daughter, who is also autistic. She also writes about her relationship with her parents and siblings, and tells a bit about her family history, trying to piece together info that might give her a clue about her illness.

The book reads a bit like a story, like a novel. You keep turning the pages to see what happens next, will there be a breakthrough? You rejoice when she has a good day, you empathize when the days are not so good. But by the time you reach the end of the book, you are encouraged to walk forward in the Light that was present in her life all along, and promised to never leave you, nor forsake you.

“I stand on the edge of a cliff in my own bedroom.”

This powerful image opens Still Life. It sets the stage for what is to come. Marchenko guides readers through her story with clarity and grace. She is at times brutally honest, such as when she declares that “depression comes and goes as it pleases, and like a victim in a domestic abuse situation, I assume I’m at fault. Something is wrong with me.” Her ability to evoke the feelings (or lack thereof) felt by someone in the throes of a depressive episode is both reassuring to the reader who also struggles with depression, as well as edifying to readers who love someone with depression but have never experienced it themselves.

A memoir about depression can easily slide into an uncomfortable morass of self-pity but Marchenko avoids this. Instead, she offers up her very private struggles with honesty and bravery. And through all this, she points back to God.

Any Christian who deals with depression knows the pain of being told “just pray about it” or “God will heal you” or “depression is a sin problem”. Marchenko herself is a pastor’s wife, and it is enlightening to read about their relationship behind closed doors. Mr. Marchenko, despite his very human feelings of pain and anger, continually shows his wife grace and forgiveness.

In the last 1/2 of the memoir, Marchenko describes how she found her way back into relationship with God. She cites scripture when she begins to use Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to help her recover, specifically 2 Corinthians 10:5 where Paul says “We take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” She doesn’t sanitize or beautify the process. There are no claims of “I just prayed and God magically healed me.” No…she is candid and honest about the fact that she still has many days where the best she can do is help the kids get ready for school before falling back into bed. She is real about the stumbles and setbacks. But all the while, she is growing and fighting for restoration.

I, too, have wrestled the beast of major depressive disorder for my entire adult life. Reading Still Life was cathartic for me. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so understood or so hopeful. Not only did I leave the book feeling hope, I also learned a lot about how to approach God with this pain I carry. I have a gameplan.

I am so grateful to Gillian for sharing her heart in all of it’s messiness with all who will listen (or read). This book should be required reading for all Christians because depression is real and the typical Christian response is often not healthy or helpful. If you or someone you love fights depression, read this. Highlight it. Take notes. And take hold of your life and your Jesus.

If you are experiencing a medical emergency, are in danger, or are feeling suicidal, call 911 immediately. Suicide Hotline: 800-784-2433. Immediate Medical Assistance: 911. Crisis Call Center: 800-273-8255 or text ANSWER to 839863.

I received a digital copy of Still Life courtesy of InterVarsity Press. All thoughts and opinions are my own.

This was hard to read but very honest about the struggle of depression, especially for Believers.

This book will break your heart. I thought of so many loved ones who live with the everyday challenges brought on by mental illnesses. Gillian knew she'd suffered through bouts of postpartum depression, but it only seemed to be getting worse and the episodes were staying around longer and longer. She's painfully transparent in her telling. She shares about her guilt over not being able to mother as she would like. She talks about her relationship with her pastor/husband, and how he tries to help her but struggles to understand. She explains what she's working through in her counseling sessions. All while maintaining a writing and speaking career. I understand much more about what individuals struggling with depression go through because of the author's honesty in this book.

"Still Life" talked about one woman's journey through depression. I thought the book was very raw and honest. Gillian explored all the reasons for her depression...family history, biochemical, post-partum, and the stress of taking care of two children with special needs. She went into great detail about how depression affected her life and that of her family. She was very honest about how she felt and I felt that I could easily relate to her. She made such good points in the book, with the overall theme that even though living with depression made for a difficult and challenging life, that it was still life. Her story was not wrapped up in a nice, tidy bow. Gillian made it clear that she still struggled and that her recovery will be a life long process.

Rating: 5 out of 5

This book was given to me by Intervarsity Press and NetGalley in exchange for a review.

Blog link: https://godsgirl4life2.wordpress.com/2016/12/01/still-life-by-gillian-marchenko/