Shopping Survival Guide for Men
Survival Guides for Men series
by Dan Van Oss
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Pub Date Mar 01 2016 | Archive Date Apr 01 2016
Description
A frank and hilarious guide to every man’s
mind-numbing nemesis: Shopping.
Guys: spent one too many Saturdays marooned at The Mall? Rejuvenate your manhood with the Shopping Survival Guide for Men. This indispensable sanity-saver exposes the hidden history and insidious psychology of shopping (Hint: it’s crazy), plus cool-headedly guides you through the treacherous, credit card-melting mazes of:
Shoes: “If you've ever been in the shoe section of any major department store, you now know what the gross national product of Belgium would look like if it consisted of footwear, which, for all I know about Belgium, it does.”
Makeup: “Egyptians used cochineal bugs to make red dye for their lips, and I don’t even care what ‘cochineal' means because the word ‘bugs' is after it.”
Prom Dress Shopping: “Like most men, all you know about prom dresses is that they are more expensive than a good set of tires.”
Fashion Terminology: “Puckered Bodice: A banned professional wrestling move involving a lemon, a folding chair, and a car battery.”
Shopping History: “1687: Isaac Newton develops the law of universal gravity after his wife’s shoe rack collapses on him.”
Melding together the whimsical wit of Douglas Adams, the laugh-out-loud narratives of Dave Barry, and the pop-culture cleverness of James Lileks, Dan Van Oss crafts a fresh and funny guide for any man who’s ever been trapped in the Seventh Circle of Dillard’s.
Learn about the Five Stages of Shopping Grief: “(Stage Four - Depression. That's it. I'm going to die here, right here by this bored-looking, no-armed mannequin with a size zero waist wearing something that looks like it was sneezed out of Barbie's closet.”)
Get tips on how to avoid shopping on Black Friday (“Hit yourself on the head with the Shiatsu Neck Massager with the Kung Fu Grip your wife bought for 75% off at last year's Black Friday sale, and pretend you no longer speak your native language.”)
Identify the “Shopping Bends” (“...where the male body attempts to compensate for the relative drop in logic and bank account levels, and the corresponding increase in estrogen levels, by trying to die.”)
Comical bonus quizzes (“Shoe Brand, Kentucky Derby Horse or Hipster Band Name?”) help you pass the time until you’re asked to haul the bags out to the minivan.
Don’t get dragged to The Mall without it!
Guys: spent one too many Saturdays marooned at The Mall? Rejuvenate your manhood with the Shopping Survival Guide for Men. This indispensable sanity-saver exposes the hidden history and insidious psychology of shopping (Hint: it’s crazy), plus cool-headedly guides you through the treacherous, credit card-melting mazes of:
Shoes: “If you've ever been in the shoe section of any major department store, you now know what the gross national product of Belgium would look like if it consisted of footwear, which, for all I know about Belgium, it does.”
Makeup: “Egyptians used cochineal bugs to make red dye for their lips, and I don’t even care what ‘cochineal' means because the word ‘bugs' is after it.”
Prom Dress Shopping: “Like most men, all you know about prom dresses is that they are more expensive than a good set of tires.”
Fashion Terminology: “Puckered Bodice: A banned professional wrestling move involving a lemon, a folding chair, and a car battery.”
Shopping History: “1687: Isaac Newton develops the law of universal gravity after his wife’s shoe rack collapses on him.”
Melding together the whimsical wit of Douglas Adams, the laugh-out-loud narratives of Dave Barry, and the pop-culture cleverness of James Lileks, Dan Van Oss crafts a fresh and funny guide for any man who’s ever been trapped in the Seventh Circle of Dillard’s.
Learn about the Five Stages of Shopping Grief: “(Stage Four - Depression. That's it. I'm going to die here, right here by this bored-looking, no-armed mannequin with a size zero waist wearing something that looks like it was sneezed out of Barbie's closet.”)
Get tips on how to avoid shopping on Black Friday (“Hit yourself on the head with the Shiatsu Neck Massager with the Kung Fu Grip your wife bought for 75% off at last year's Black Friday sale, and pretend you no longer speak your native language.”)
Identify the “Shopping Bends” (“...where the male body attempts to compensate for the relative drop in logic and bank account levels, and the corresponding increase in estrogen levels, by trying to die.”)
Comical bonus quizzes (“Shoe Brand, Kentucky Derby Horse or Hipster Band Name?”) help you pass the time until you’re asked to haul the bags out to the minivan.
Don’t get dragged to The Mall without it!
Advance Praise
Laugh out loud fun!
A cleverly written (very, very funny) book. The writing is witty and funny. Mr. Van Oss approaches an every day topic with humor and laugh out loud moments. I highly recommend to readers of all genres to brighten your day. It was so fun I actually read it twice in one day! 5 stars all the way!
In one word, hysterical.
I chuckled and outright laughed my way through this book, and even read selected passages aloud to my husband – who, lucky for me, doesn’t mind shopping at all. It’s humorous - well, OK … it’s downright funny – with abundant use of double-meaning words, and even made-up words. If you have friends or family where the husband would do almost anything to get out of going shopping, but gets dragged along anyway (to carry the bags and ‘watch the purse’, among other things), this would make an excellent fun gift – both the husband and wife will see shopping in a whole different light.
Absolutely hilarious!
"Hilarious" is a word that makes me cringe. It brings to my mind comedy clubs filled with anything but laughter and films where the only funny thing about them is how you were duped into paying to see them. And yet, what other word can I use to describe the Shopping Survival Guide for Men? I read it on an airplane, which was embarrassing as it caused no end of concerned looks by those sitting next to me. How could I not chuckle or, indeed, laugh out at Van Oss' cheeky factoids and over-the-top criticism of shopping malls? He has so much fun with gender stereotypes (and I honestly felt that men came out worse), that one can't help but laugh at his irreverent humor and, well, hilarious observations.
Funny, funny, funny!
At some points you may have to put the book down until you stop giggling like a school girl because it is just that funny. I read this out loud to my husband and we laughed the entire time. This book is so funny and it is funny because it accurately describes the shopping that we all do to one extent or another. This book is hilarious.
A cleverly written (very, very funny) book. The writing is witty and funny. Mr. Van Oss approaches an every day topic with humor and laugh out loud moments. I highly recommend to readers of all genres to brighten your day. It was so fun I actually read it twice in one day! 5 stars all the way!
In one word, hysterical.
I chuckled and outright laughed my way through this book, and even read selected passages aloud to my husband – who, lucky for me, doesn’t mind shopping at all. It’s humorous - well, OK … it’s downright funny – with abundant use of double-meaning words, and even made-up words. If you have friends or family where the husband would do almost anything to get out of going shopping, but gets dragged along anyway (to carry the bags and ‘watch the purse’, among other things), this would make an excellent fun gift – both the husband and wife will see shopping in a whole different light.
Absolutely hilarious!
"Hilarious" is a word that makes me cringe. It brings to my mind comedy clubs filled with anything but laughter and films where the only funny thing about them is how you were duped into paying to see them. And yet, what other word can I use to describe the Shopping Survival Guide for Men? I read it on an airplane, which was embarrassing as it caused no end of concerned looks by those sitting next to me. How could I not chuckle or, indeed, laugh out at Van Oss' cheeky factoids and over-the-top criticism of shopping malls? He has so much fun with gender stereotypes (and I honestly felt that men came out worse), that one can't help but laugh at his irreverent humor and, well, hilarious observations.
Funny, funny, funny!
At some points you may have to put the book down until you stop giggling like a school girl because it is just that funny. I read this out loud to my husband and we laughed the entire time. This book is so funny and it is funny because it accurately describes the shopping that we all do to one extent or another. This book is hilarious.
Available Editions
| EDITION | Ebook |
| ISBN | 9781311819574 |
| PRICE | $2.99 (USD) |
Average rating from 5 members
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