One of the better books I've read about trauma recovery in general. It not only changed my perspective on whether forgiveness is necessary for trauma recovery but also what forgiveness is at all. Rather than accepting or rationalizing the actions, it simply means to have more positive feelings toward the offender and fewer negative feelings. I also found its advice to focus on safety and shame reduction first valuable.

An Empowering Guide to Trauma Recovery on Your Own Terms

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

You Don't Need to Forgive by Amanda Ann Gregory is an incredibly practical and supportive resource for trauma survivors and mental health professionals alike. It tackles the sensitive issue of forgiveness with empathy, emphasizing that forgiveness is a personal choice rather than a requirement for healing. Gregory's approach helps survivors feel validated and empowered, encouraging them to reclaim control over their recovery process.

The book is especially helpful for those who feel alienated by societal pressures around forgiveness. By exploring research and perspectives from a range of experts, Gregory underscores the importance of agency in trauma recovery, presenting "elective forgiveness" as a powerful option without making it an obligation. Her thoughtful discussion and case studies make it clear that healing can take many forms, and no single path fits all. This guide is a breath of fresh air for those seeking practical and compassionate advice on navigating recovery on their terms.

Thanks to Ms Gregory, the publisher and NetGalley for this ARC in exchange for an honest review

I have read heaps of wellbeing and self-help books and I cannot imagine a more important title to add to the literature. Gregory asks that we be more precise in what exactly we mean when we refer to "forgiveness". Shared understanding helps refine conversations while also allowing us to better understand ourselves in relationship to forgiveness. It is a crucial read for those dealing with the trappings of PTSD, or who were just harmed to the extent that they no longer want to relate to, nor have the capacity to care about the one who harmed them. We hear a great deal about forgiveness as the idealistic happy ending, and I do wonder whether this is the variation of fairytale endings that Disney and others have left us with a taste for. Sometimes however, life is more complicated and protecting yourself is more important (i.e. the best kind of happy ending: the one where you save yourself).

The book delivers an incredible depth of research to remind us (using science and research!) that not forgiving is not akin to disposability. Disposability culture that emerged as symptomatic of cancel culture has received some push back from popular writing so we may bring this awareness and read Gregory's book with some discomfort. Stick with it however, because the reward is a profound understanding of the difference between healthy boundaries and disposing of people on a shifting whim. I'm so glad I read it!

The book reads like a permission slip many of us need to addresss the harms for which no lifetime will be able to fix. I think that any work that allows us to be more compassionate with ourselves, and to tend to our softest parts with a care an offense may have denied us, helps us all be better humans. Not forgiving may not last a lifetime, it may only stand for a season in your life. However, this books offers a clinically informed opinion that I think more of us need to hear far more often when it comes to our boundaries: you need not explain a thing, and can arrive at healing however is best for you right now, as well as moving forward. It is a breath of fresh air in existing forgiveness literature.

You don’t need to Forgive by Amanda Ann Gregory LCPC, is indeed a very interesting and informative book which informs readers about Childhood Complex Trauma and PTSD along with the different types of trauma. Some say that with trauma survivors should forgive those that have abused them while others say that there’s no need to forgive them whereas the author says that it’s the survivors choice to forgive them. As a childhood trauma survivor I have taken the Christian way of forgiveness and offering the other cheek. Since reading this book but skipping over certain chapters about anger, shame, religion and social justice as they didn’t affect me. I have accepted that I won’t receive a conscience apology and I’ve chosen not to have anything to do with my siblings as they won’t apologize for bullying me and gaslighting me as they don’t love me as they should as if they actually love me they wouldn’t have done what they did. I recommend this book to those who have abused, the sufferers and their families.

Forgiveness is a fraught topic. In some cultures (e.g. white Christian culture in the U.S.) forgiveness is weaponized against victims. It's framed as something the victim owes the victimizer and requires nothing of the one who caused harm. Thus, it sends yet another message of support for the abuser over the survivor.

However, as this book mentions, people tend to have different views of what forgiveness means and how to go about forgiving someone. The author shares various definitions and explicitly states their definition for this book. It's clear that forgiveness is a choice that may work for some people and not others. Some will focus on forgiveness, some will come by it organically, and others will find it isn't right for them. No one can say what another person's healing journey should entail, and only the person on the journey can say what is right for them.

I couldn't put this book down, and I highly recommend it to everyone. If one has experienced the pressure to forgive or has pressured someone else to forgive, this book is for you. There are reflection questions that can benefit anyone on this topic. This book will change the conversation about forgiveness and encourage people to rethink who they center and why.

As a survivor, I've been told many times and in various ways that I need to forgive the person who harmed me. Some have even said that if I don't forgive an unrepentant abuser, I am worse than she.

This book validates me. It's one I will read again, and even though this copy was provided by NetGalley, I am purchasing my own when it released.

*Thank you NetGalley, for an eARC.

The premise, "You don't have to forgive," is life-affirming. Gregory shares her personal experience of how parental neglect contributed to her trauma and why she sought treatment.

Her premise is that forgiveness should be a choice and that safety must come first. Uncovering the pain and emotions of past trauma is a slow process. A person's lack of safety has caused them to feel lost and without recourse.

The quote from Oprah Winfrey on page 24 gave me pause. She described acceptance, "As giving up hope that the past could be any different." For some, that is the furthest they can go.
Forgiveness has its own timetable and therapies that require it in clinical practice can be unrealistic and dangerous for the client.

Gregory makes excellent points. Each chapter title prepares the reader for the content and shows how varied a definition can be. The questions at the end of chapters helped me understand the material and consider my own assumptions. The final chapter describes and lists 20 therapies. Endnotes contain all the citations from the book's footnotes.

The selected stories and research emphasize how varied each person's experience can be. By making forgiveness an optional goal, a person can concentrate on their own needs and not let the past prevent from living their best life.

SAMSHA's website gives this definition: "The three 'E's of trauma – event, experience, and effects – form a comprehensive framework for understanding the profound impact of traumatic events on individuals."

I highly recommend this book to anyone seeking trauma therapy and exploring their options. I also hope it's adapted into a workbook and a version for younger audiences. Clinicians will find Chapter 3 most useful as it discusses the forgiveness therapy and study methodology. If the reader has difficulty with the concepts, leave it for later. I received an ARC copy for this review.