Just Show Up

Big Love. That is what this book is about. Told from the perspectives of a beautifully courageous and faithful woman who is dying of cancer and one of her close friends, this poignant book is gripping and heartbreaking.

Both women discuss what it means to "just show up" when someone in your community is overcome by hardship or tragedy. So often, when a loved one or acquaintance experiences a season of suffering, we can struggle with how to respond. Do we give them space or lean in? How can we avoid saying the wrong things? Kara and Jill answer those questions with the grace and wisdom that comes from walking through it together.

For those of us who have ever wondered how to give or serve during the suffering of another, this books give real-life, tangible examples. A key point is "don't worry about perfection - just show up." When disaster does strike and we are on the receiving end, this book offers ways to foster community, accept help and comfort, and offer grace when words or actions seem insensitive.

I loved this book so much it almost hurts. It felt like I was invited in to this special friendship and given answers to all my questions about what to do when a friend is in crisis. I am BAD at this - absolutely paralyzed in the face of overwhelming need. In "Just Show Up," Kara and Jill took me by the hand and said, essentially, "Everyone feels this way. Here's what to do anyway..." This book is a gracious blend of honest storytelling and practical suggestions. There are pages where I underlined every single word. Thank you Kara and Jill for writing this book. I"m already recommending it to friends.

You may have heard of Kara Tippetts, a woman who tragically died in her thirties of breast cancer, leaving behind a loving husband and four young children. She blogged at Mundane Faithfulness and authored The Hardest Peace, describing her journey. This book is a companion piece, written almost entirely by a close friend of hers, about how to support people when they are going through hard times. It is short, easy to read, and especially useful for its practical tips of how to offer help when someone is suffering. As someone who has been a recipient of help, I found myself nodding at all the suggestions with a hearty amen. The thing that stood out most for me was the reminder that ‘it’s not about you’. So often the temptation when someone is suffering is to make it about you, rather than them, and I was challenged myself at this point when I considered some of my friends who are going through a hard time right now. I was also struck by how beautiful the church can be – the ongoing dedication of the group of friends who gathered round Kara and her family to support them and love them unconditionally was very moving.

Kara Tippets battled cancer for two and a half years. During that time, many friends came around the Tippetts family to support and serve them. Kara is now home in Heaven, but before passing from this life to the next, she and her friend, Jill Lynn Buteyn, wrote a book about walking with a friend through suffering. Kara and Jill loved and served each other well, and their friendship is an example to follow. Their book, Just Show Up, will be a helpful resource to others who are going through a season of suffering with a friend.

It can be difficult to know how to be there for a friend who is suffering. In Just Show Up, Kara and Jill share practical ideas of ways to be there for, and serve, a family in need. They allow the reader a peek into the community that surrounded the Tippetts family during the past three years. They are open about the hard parts and the awkward parts. They share about the tension, the struggles, the insecurities, and the highs and lows. They share honestly about the fact that mistakes were made and that grace was needed.

Just Show Up has a conversational tone, making you feel like you are right there chatting with Kara and Jill as they share about facing hard times of suffering together. They speak to the one who is walking through suffering with a friend as well as to the one who is suffering herself. I especially appreciated the personal stories that were shared from the community of support that surrounded the Tippetts family. It was a beautiful thing to see how the body of Christ can come alongside a suffering member and love them well in their hard season.

Just Show Up is for the one with a friend who is suffering and in need of help and support. It is for the one who wants to be there for a friend in need, but doesn’t know what to do. It is for the one who is chronically ill and is needing guidance regarding her role in friendship when her abilities are limited. This would be a great book for two friends, one who is ill and one who is healthy, to read together as they navigate the awkwardness that comes when friendship is lopsided because one friend simply can’t give much. It would also be a great book for a group of friends to read together as they prepare to show up for a friend in need. I highly recommend this book!

I received an advance copy of Just Show Up from David C. Cook via NetGalley. The book will be available in bookstores on October 1, 2015.

Many of us followed Kara's journey to eternity through her blog Mundane Faithfulness. Unfortunately Kara was well into her battle with cancer when I stumbled upon her blog so I didn't "know" her very long. But I loved her. With all that she was going through personally she still encouraged others and loved on them. She knew what was important and didn't expend her energy on trivial drama.

This book was written by Kara and by Jill Buteyn who went through the day to day battle with her. Titled appropriately, "Just Show Up" it is the story of the joys and heartaches of being in the thick of the battle with a suffering friend. This is a quick read, more like a letter from a friend than a how to book.

It an inspiration to us on how to do this thing called life, and actually BE a true friend to another. I find myself looking inward wondering if *I* am the kind of friend that others can really, truly trust. Am I THERE? Do I show up?

This would be a great read for a group of friends, a Bible study group, or like me, just reading it by yourself. Kara showed us how to live and die with Grace. May we learn from her and carry on. May we truly SHOW UP for one another.

When my son was five years old, he was diagnosed with cancer. In the days and months following his diagnosis, I learned the power of "Just Showing Up." Our family would not have made it through those early months (at least with not with any sanity left) without the wonderful group of people who courageously made themselves available to do specific things for our family -- from listening, to laundry, to childcare, to just sitting and being present. We were fortunate in that we had a person who coordinated everything for us and helped those people who wanted to help but didn't know how to provide support that was truly helpful.

For those who do not have that person, Kara Tippets and Jill Buteyn can provide that same service. This is probably the most helpful, most honest, and most sensitive handbook I have seen on the how-to of Showing Up in the midst of another family's hard. The book is general enough to provide support for any sort of hard that a family is facing while also being specific enough to actually help. This is a must read book. Many of us shy away from entering into difficult times with other people -- and this book shows just how much beauty and joy and came from the painful and challenging act of being there for people who are suffering.

Buy the book, read it, and then put it on your "Keep forever Shelf" to pull out when you are presented with opportunities to be a part of another person's suffering.

It may seem like an awkward situation. Someone you know is gravely ill, perhaps terminal. You want to help but, well, what do you do? Just show up.

Kara Tippets was dying of cancer while she wrote her part of this book. Her good friend, Jill Buteyn, wrote the other part. They share their experiences of living and dying, of supporting and being supported, of just being there.

Buteyn knows that showing up isn't easy, especially when you know that your friend, barring a miracle, will soon die. You feel unqualified. You don't know what to say. You don't know what to do.

Nonetheless, being there is important, she writes. Pray for wisdom and seek guidance, but do show up. She relates many stories and gives suggestions. Saying something, she writes, is better than saying nothing. But she also reminds us what kinds of things not to say. For example, be specific in your help. “I'll pick up the kids for a play date on Tuesday,” rather than, “If you need anything, let me know.”

There are good suggestions for the ill person too. Keep your friends informed. (Kara blogged regularly.) The Tippets had a cooler on their step where meals in disposable dishes could be left without barging into the house. There was also a chalk board near the door indicating whether Kara was up for visitors or not.

Kara wrote a section on what the care professionals call “the ministry of presence.” We can perform ministry by simply showing up and being there for someone. No clever dialog is required. No deep prayer session. Kara noted that she was blessed when Scripture was read to her...without commentary.

This is an excellent book for those who want to help a suffering friend but do not know how to begin. Kara added some thought provoking questions at the end of her entries. Readers are encouraged to engage with others. It need be nothing elaborate. Perhaps just a cup of coffee. I remember a rewarding time when a friend and I sat with a stroke victim from church, giving her husband time away to do some errands. She talked and we listened and all of us were blessed.

This is an excellent book on a difficult subject. I highly recommend it to those who would live well and die well, and to those who would support others in that journey.

Food for thought: “We need each other. God made us to walk with each other.”

I am taking part in a blog tour of this book and you can read other reviews here.
http://litfusegroup.com/author/tippettsbuteyn

My rating: 5/5 stars.

The late Kara Tippets was the author of of The Hardest Peace and blogged faithfully at MundaneFaithfulness.com. Since her death in March, 2015, her husband Jason is parenting their four children and leading the church they founded in Colorado Springs, Colorado.
Jill Lynn Buteyn is the author of Falling for Texas, and inspirational novel, and a recipient of the ACFW Genesis Award. She lives near the beautiful Rocky Mountains with her husband and their two children. You can find out more at Jill-Lynn.com.

David C. Cook, 196 pages. You can purchase a copy here. http://bit.ly/1Guvl0N

I received a complimentary egalley of this book through Litfuse for the purpose of an independent and honest review.

Whether you yourself live with chronic/terminal illness or you just love someone who does, this book needs to be on your read-list ASAP.

Just Show Up is a beautifully written, heartfelt and practical look at walking through “hard” with a friend. Both Jill’s and Kara’s humor provides much needed levity in a book that begins “Hi. My name is Kara Tippetts, and I may not be alive when you read this book.” In fact, she isn’t – on earth, anyway. Kara won her hard-fought battle with breast cancer in March of this year (2015) and is now with Jesus. She completed her contributions to Just Show Up before her death, and her words carry the added weight of this poignancy, yes, but also reflect once more her delightful and grace-filled personality.

Jill's ability to admit and poke fun at her own fears and comfort zones gave me the freedom to rest in my introverting and acknowledge that growing friendship as an introvert in the middle of “hard” is indeed possible. And not even all that painful, according to Jill. Good news for introvert me. On the flip side of that coin… “The tough-love news is that introverting is not an excuse for avoiding community – although I have attempted to use it as one before.” Uhhh…yeah. Me too. So much easier just to read a book than to show up in the middle of someone else’s pain, isn’t it?

Another thing I loved so much about Just Show Up is how practical it is. We’re not just told to show up – we’re given hints on how to do that. This book is full of ideas that are relatively easy to implement – for you and the person you are serving. Things like putting a cooler on your friend’s front doorstep/porch so people can drop off meals without disrupting rest or family time. Pack an extra lunch for their child while you’re packing your own child’s lunch. And tons more! There’s also a great section about the Christian platitudes we need to stop using (seriously. If you can’t say something besides a platitude, don’t say anything at all.) and who to vent your feelings to versus who to comfort.

Now, I’m not gonna lie to you. Yes, I laughed while reading Just Show Up. But I also ugly-cried a few times. Like as soon as I started reading Kara’s introduction (I’ve already mentioned the first sentence). Every time I read Jill’s thoughts that begin her sections, the raw emotions and reactions she felt as she journeyed through “hard” with Kara, I ugly-cried. But oh my heart, it’s so worth it.

Showing up is not a new concept, but sometimes it feels that way. Something in our culture has told us to pull back, to protect ourselves from hurt, from people, from entering in with one another.

Depending on your personality type, this can be as easy as breathing or as difficult as pulling teeth. I am personally of the former. That being said, this book was very helpful to me because Jill Lynn Buteyn herself is the same way. However, because of Kara Tippetts engaging her in community, Jill has learned and embraces the lifestyle of showing up. If you are not familiar with Kara’s story, she just recently died of cancer but during her fight against cancer, she and her husband who is a pastor were gathered in community with their church in Colorado Springs. Along with the Tippetts and the community that has birthed from Kara’s suffering, there is something of beauty that will go on forever. The pain and suffering has been redeemed when there is a coming together.

Buteyn is the main contributor of each chapter and Kara offers a closing word filled with encouragement and strength. What you are witnessing is not a community but a purity of friendships that many of us long for. One of the strengths of this testimony of friendship is no matter what the pain; no pain is more painful than the next person’s battle. We all struggle with pain and dealing with pain.

Some deal with pain by isolating themselves or addictions but community is the better way but it is also the hard way. There is honesty within these pages that will grip your heart and long to be in the dance.

Quotes that I found inspiring were.

Fear is a lonely companion. Look what I would have missed had I let those whispers of doubts win. I would have been a lonely existence if I had hid myself away, worrying about saying or doing the wrong thing, or if I had held back because Kara and I didn’t have a friendship that spanned year.

Let’s give our people the room for this to be their story. We may have similarities in our stories, but this trial is unique to them. Saying something like “I know how you feel” or “I’ve been through something similar” makes it about us. Saying “I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how hard this is for you” keeps the focus on them.

Curiosity is different from caring. Curiosity wants to know what’s going. Caring wants the person to know they’re not forgotten.

If you are involved in ministry of care, this would be a helpful resource and if you want to witness a community (friendships) that redeems the pain and suffering, you will long to be in the dance.

A Special Thank You to David C. Cook and Netgalley for the ARC and the opportunity to post an honest review.

This book begins with a somber greeting: "Hi. My name is Kara Tippetts, and I may not be alive when you read this book. I hope so, but I don’t know. That decision is in the hands of the Author of my life—His name is Jesus. I trust Him with every ounce of who I am."

With these words, Tippetts begins this book with hope, that even when she does not know what to do, what to say, or what to answer, just showing up is already a blessing in itself. It is also a step of humility to come as we are to say: "I'm here. I may not have the answers, but I'm here." With "Just Show Up" as her principle of perseverance through the ups and downs, and especially the suffering moments of life, cancer patient Tippetts shows us what perseverance means amid the pains and sorrows of life. Tippetts died on March 22, 2015, but not without touching the lives of many. Through this book, her life continues to influence many even after her death. Written with Jill Lynn Buteyn, author of inspirational novel, Falling for Texas, this book is an honest down to earth retelling of the struggles through the tough times of life by simply walking together and being present for each other.

It all began when the Tippetts's family went to Colorado to plant a Church. Buteyn joined that Church and the friendship with Tippetts blossomed. Tippetts was an extrovert while Buteyn an introvert. They knew each other for only six months but their friendship seemed like an eternity. Both are mothers together. They were not afraid of sharing their pains and joys. They cried together, laughed together, and wrote this book together. They shared "big love" together. Instead of promising perfect answers, they supplied honest ones. Instead of simply writing a book to give us a laundry list of do's and don'ts, they issue readers a challenge to "start showing up" for the people we love. The two basic questions are:

Ask WHO is the one suffering and in need of us showing up.
Ask ourselves about any fears of anxieties preventing us from showing up.

Gently, the authors show us how to overcome the fears of showing up. They keep contrasting it with the tendency to do things perfectly. Those who insist on perfection will never take the plunge. Those who are more interested in doing things together, regardless, are those more willing to try. In showing up for one another, readers learn that silence is not something to be uncomfortable about. Just being present includes creative ways like using the concentric circles approach to be together. The ones suffering the most stay in the center of the ring. The ones who feel they are relatively least in pain and suffering at that time move to the fringes, but always staying connected. Friends do one thing best: Being there for one another. Friends learn to be humble to receive and to be generous to give. Friendships may change from struggle to struggle, but we should never gossip or minimize the reality of each struggle. For every situation is unique. Beware of insecurity which can damage relationships. Whether it is going through the ups and downs, dealing with future plans, suffering is made more bearable when people show up for one another. This is the beauty of community.

It takes a dying person to teach many of us how to live. It takes one who has struggled through immense pain to be able to speak with some authority about the importance of showing up. This book is not some kind of a self-help book to boost up our ego in order to overcome our problems and issues of life. Neither is it a manual that contains lots of do's and don'ts that supply steps to overcome our mountains. It is simply a guide to encourage us to be there for one another. Whether friends or family, close or distant, as long as we are people, we all have the capacity to show up. In pastoral care, one of the most important things is to remember the gift of presence. Far too often, especially in an Internet and social media era, we condense our words into abbreviations and send out inspirational quips. The problem lies in that "problem-solving" mentality behind all of these actions.

Tippetts and Buteyn have shown us a different and a more honest way of sharing our lives. It means simply being ready, being comfortable, and being courageous to be who we are and to show up for one another. The words and wisdom in this book is small enough to wipe the smallest tear and big enough to hug the biggest fear.

Rating: 4.5 stars of 5.

conrade This book is provided to me courtesy of David C. Cook Publishers and NetGalley in exchange for an honest review. All opinions offered above are mine unless otherwise stated or implied.

Kara Tippetts does it again. She writes this book with her friend Jill Buteyn about what it looks like to walk with a friend through serious "hard." While Buteyn does most of the writing, Tippetts adds her voice to the end of each chapter. I read this book in about 24 hours. Kara's story is so compelling, that as a reader, I found myself wanting to be a part of her circle of friendship. To walk with her through the hard even though I know what the ending will be.

Buteyn and Tippetts provide the reader with a first hand account of what it looks like to walk with someone who is suffering, from both sides of the experience. The share the mistakes, the successes, and the "I'll do this better next time" moments. Their story is one that makes you hold your breath as you wait for the next moment, and even though this book does not specifically set out to share major details of Kara's story, you feel the emotion of the authors in each and every word written on the page.